So Ready for 2015!

I have been ready for 2015 for two years!

I don't like to admit I am slightly superstitious, but I dreaded the year 2013 simply because of the 13. Friday the 13th's are creepy days and Saturday the 14th's are odd days. That is exactly how I have felt about 2013 and 2014. Creepy and odd.

Even though great things happened!

I like the number 15, 16, 17, 18 and all the numbers that go up. Breakthrough is coming.

In 2014 I lost 20 lbs.  Adjusting to the days getting darker earlier and being less active outdoors, I gained two lbs. back which was frustrating.

Officially, this morning ... [the drum roll, please], I have lost that two lbs!

A clean and healthy start. No pressure needed to shed holiday gained weight!

My 2015 will start with David and I taking rock climbing lessons, a new hobby we want to try. We will begin spring with our bikes 100% ready embracing biking season from the start. We have passes to try some cardio gym classes. We are registered for Warrior Dash in August, a reminder as we are physically active all spring/summer that endurance training will make our stats during Warrior Dash all the better.

A clean start, a new beginning, a new year. I am so ready for a LOT of changes.

I am so ready for 2015!

Christmas Blessings & Vacation

In a blur of Christmas activity, I reflect back and say, "Whew!"

It was a different kind of a Christmas in so many ways.

While the rescue mission tapped into every ounce of multi-tasking and coordinating I had in me, which pretty much took all my energy from the month long events and things I enjoy for my personal Christmas season, I hold on to my highlight moments.

In the midst of Christmas chaos, David swept me away for a wonderful, fun-filled and adventurous out of town, surprise getaway. We went to Nashville!

We stayed at the breathtaking Opryland Resort, which was walking through flawless Christmas gardens and decor everywhere we went.. We sat 4th row and absolutely loved the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular at The Grand Ole Opry. Enjoyed a life size nativity & outdoor lights, dined in An Underwater Dining Adventure, went to ICE! A 15 degree ice museum with 2 million lbs of colored ice sculptures in Twas the Night Before Christmas. Went out to country music clubs in downtown Nashville and listened to some pretty awesome bands and both of us are officially wildly crazy about a band called Eskimo Brothers! Toured the Country Music HOF, drove and spent part of the day at David's properties and rode on the Tail of the Dragon (Rt. 129) on the way home. I laughed as he gripped the passenger door handle as I took the sharp curves and when his head was out the window nauseous needing fresh air! 

Passing through Ashville, NC, only minutes from the beautiful Biltmore Estate, we whisked off the highway and stopped to see the outside of the estate in all its Christmas glory. But, they wouldn't let us drive through without a ticket.  It was already 6:30 p.m., we still had an 8-hour drive home and we both had to work the next day. David handed me $50 and said, "Buy us tickets so we can see the house." I came outside heartsick, in order to drive on the property, it would cost $89 per person.  

David insisted.  We were here, let's take advantage of every moment. Sparing no expense we went in to get buy tickets to only find out the next tour isn't until 10:00 p.m.!! So close, we couldn't make it happen.  Maybe another Christmas.

It was a fun-filled adventure and a perfect holiday getaway!

I hadn't realized until the middle of Christmas that everything felt so normal ...  

This was the first Christmas (in 4 years) since Brooke's dad died that she was excited for Christmas and happy Christmas day.

This was the first Christmas in 18 years that I have not shared my daughters with their dads. Both of their dads have passed away and every Christmas for the last 18 years I would juggle our family, their family and share the day. I didn't have to share this year.

David was with us. A family night Christmas Eve and waking up together as a family. 

I did my usual turning on Christmas tree lights, soft Christmas music, put on a pot of coffee, put breakfast in the oven, took a shower and was ready for everyone to wake up.

Christmas spent with family in normal Christmas routine. Everyone healthy, happy and present, minus my sweet little boy, Sammy Blue.

Sammy Blue had a gift in his Christmas stocking this year. A light blue sparkle photo album that included every picture we ever took of him. A memory album.

After it was said and done David pulled me in his arms and said, "Christmas was perfect."

And it was.

Something Pretty Amazing

David is planning something pretty amazing, a 3-day surprise getaway for me. Us.

No clues. Just what styles of clothes I need to pack.

He is jumping up and down inside ready to burst like a boy at Christmas, but all he will say is, "the best day ever is about to happen!"  He happens to say this every day.

I have never seen him this excited about anything. He has a calm disposition pretty much about everything and last night he was slap-happy and playful in excitement.

All I want is to be in the car driving out of town with him.

I feel as if stress knots are waiting patiently to release the farther we get away.

Different destinations, perfectly executed on an I'm certain tight itinerary that will be calculated down to the minute and mile.

Think I'm kidding?  Round-trip, including all perfectly coordinated destination stops = 1228 miles.

He can plan, calculate and keep us on a schedule that keeps him in balance.  I will be glowing in delight being the mindless passenger to whom all things have been created for.

Thrilled I do not have to make a single decision.

Rested in being swooped along on a magical vacation created for me.

Us.

Lost in him.

Three days together.

A Picturesque Christmasy Day In My Heart

Sometimes I reflect and go back in curiosity to read what I posted I was doing one year ago.

I do comparisons as a check-point system that reflect change and continual growth. I cross reference where am I now versus where was I then and internally rate it to ensure life continues to move in the direction I passionately want for my life. 

Spiritually, I am in a much better place. Studying for lessons to share daily in the rescue mission, the teacher always learns the most. 

Although, reflecting back to one year ago today, I am sad to read I was much more vocal about God, but maybe that's because He comes up in my every day conversations in the mission. I pour myself out there; rather, than a voice on the world wide web.

I long for a picturesque Christmasy day in the form of a breathtaking winter wonderland outside that paints the picture of what the Christmas season should look like. Eyes-turned-to-heaven request will go up today. 

I have yet to slow down, become nestled in my home and turn on the Lifetime channel for an afternoon of Christmas movies and baking Christmas cookies.

I desperately miss my Sammy Blue. My heart longs and aches for my sweet, handsome, little boy.

One year ago, a few days later, I laughingly shared a glimpse of my friend Laurie (we no longer work together). I miss her and need to make plans to see her.

In the absolutely busyness of life keeping up with all my responsibilities and providing everyone's needs, I need to refresh myself and embrace this Christmas season in my heart. 

Check-point systems are good, because they bring to light where we are and allow necessary change to get back on the right track versus heading down a continued path in the wrong direction. 


A PICTURESQUE CHRISTMASY DAY - December 14, 2013

It's a winter wonderland outside and the snow is coming down in giant soft snowflakes. The roads are covered in snow [not really safe for driving], I'm certain the stores are packed with Christmas shoppers, and I am nestled in my house on a picturesque Christmasy day.

Thank you Lifetime Channel for hosting one Christmas movie after another. My tree is lit, my home decorated, and plenty of holiday sweets to complement a hot pot of coffee.

Mariah is off having fun with girlfriends, Brooke is playing out in the snow, David is shopping, and Sammy Blue is sleeping peacefully. I'm cherishing all things quiet.

I am rich.

I have everything that money cannot buy ... my family, good health, a heart so full of love, a comfortable and warm home, and food we enjoy. Our needs are always met, our wants always attainable. I have peace, laughter, and want for nothing. I'm a very blessed girl. 

My life isn't perfect, but I have learned to be more than content in most all circumstances. 

Love is a choice I make and a quest that has been my driving factor in life. Happiness and gratefulness is the outlook that I focus on. Hope are my dreams tucked away safely in the compass of my heart leading me in this journey through life, and faith is my foundation for all things. 

To every one who reads my blog, locally and in countries all around this world, I wish you a very Merry Christmas. 

May your heart be filled with peace no matter what is going on in your life. Contentedness and a grateful heart for all you do have. Happiness and laughter. Faith in our very present God, hope in your heart, and love.

May you quiet your heart in the busyness of holiday hustle-n-bustle, keep Christmas in perspective, and remember exactly what the world is celebrating in less than two weeks, the birth of Jesus Christ. 

Tuck this away in your heart ... there is one thing this Christmas you can cling to, it is the guarantee of happily ever after as long as you believe in Him.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. - John 14:6 NIV

Who is this God that sent his Son to us two thousand years ago? Who is this Jesus you must know to get to God in heaven?  Meet my God in 2014.

Merry Christmas

 

Unraveling My Adult Nervous System

Sammy's death + PMS + the approaching anniversary of Brooke's dads suicide next week = Brooke has the uncanny ability to unravel my adult nervous system.

Brooke has a clear idea of how she wants the world to be operated around her, specifically by me and has an intolerance when I disagree and do not bend to her emotional needs and whims.

Channeling these highly emotional impulses (some she can control and some she cannot) is exhausting from my perspective and I find myself daydreaming of the day when both of my girls are out of my home and independent adults.

I fantasize of an always clean home and food that I buy that will be in the refrigerator until I decide consume it (not eaten in mass quantities for sport eating/boredom sake).

I dream of the meals I want to make and enjoy, not the neutral meals to keep all household members happy.

I think of the household and personal hygiene products lasting three times longer than they currently do now.

Laundry drastically reduced.

To have clean towels.

I chuckle to myself inside when I think of the culture shock my girls will go through when they have to buy all their entitled products they currently use unsparingly when they actually have to buy them with their own money.

I'm still a few years away from this, but I smile inside knowing their day is coming and so is mine.

With current emotions raging I find chocolate still brings a smile to the distraught, threats continue hold power over the things they really want I control and I still have the power to say, "Go to bed right now!"

To all those who say, "You will miss them when they are out!"  No. I'm a happy independent person and will enjoy seeing them when I want to and coming home to living they way I want to live without two all-consuming tornadoes underfoot.

I Don't Want a Sterile Home

Putting my cup down I instantly think, Sammy may bump it. I forget.

Turning around in every room I am consciously aware he may be behind me. He isn't.

Walking through room in the dark I keep a close eye out for my little furry bundle who stays close to me. Reality is a painful reminder.

Throwing trash in the trash can my eyes glance to check water/food levels. Nothing is there.

I had a little boy who would follow me everywhere and I was always consciously aware of his presence forming countless habits and routines. That no longer exist.

My knee-jerk reaction to all things for sanity sake is to wildly clean and organize my home, but it already feels empty. To clean to would be to remove traces of his soft fur that says this was his home. It would be erasing what is left of him and suddenly I don't want a sterile home.

I can't take his Christmas stocking down from the fireplace. Not this Christmas.

I want to feel him warm in my arms, smell his kitty scent, feel his warm furry head against my lips and face, hear his happiness purr and him squeak in delight talking to me. I want to feel him press his head back against my face craving more kisses. I even want to feel him push away from me when he has had enough snuggle-time.

I couldn't love him any more than I did and I miss my Sammy Blue.

*Daddy's favorite photo of Sammy Blue ...

Sammy Blue

Last night at 7:00 p.m. with mommy, daddy, sissy & sissy in the private room kissing Sammy Blue, holding him, telling him, "I love you's, you are such a good boy, you are very handsome Sammy Blue, handsome like daddy and I am going to miss you ..." Sammy Blue went to sleep.

Our hearts broke.

Each of us loved and cherished Sammy beyond measure. We adored him, gave him a 14 month little life of a million kisses, snuggles and love.

He was a beloved baby to all of us and suddenly our home feels very empty.

Sammy Blue wasn't a pet, he was a member of our family.

I was not at all prepared for last night to happen. I hoped a prayed every day we were one day closer to his healing and rebounding good health. I never anticipated his little death to hurt this bad.

I confess, I am not an animal lover. I never have been.  I've had many pets through the years, liked some and did not like others. Never bonded with any and only had pets for my daughters sake.

Sammy was our laughter, unconditional love, adoration and snuggles. He was all things perfectly routine, such a sweet boy, never messed with or damaged anything, met me at the door every day, was the 1st little snuggle for me every morning, talked to me in squeaks, and had a cuteness about him that caused him to be kissed to death each day.

He was the perfect complement to our family and gave the grand title of daddy to David in our home. He was our 1st baby together. Researched, picked as a family together, I was not about to let him die overnight while we were sleeping, alone.

Together as a family, we each took our private, alone time with him, thanks to David's guidance.

He was so sick and we did everything we knew. His veterinarian had come to the end of his own knowledge as to what was so wrong with Sammy.

Sammy kept staring off into space, sick. Moments before he was put to sleep, he turned his head, looked at me and lifted his paw. Mommy always held his little paw, it was how I put him to sleep when he was a kitten.

My heart broke.

Our home feels empty.

Someone very important is no longer here.

Sammy Blue was one of my *perfects* in life. I thanked God countless times for him and I hope he greets me in heaven at the door as he did every day in our home.

We love you, Sammy Blue. You are such a good boy! You are a very handsome boy, handsome like daddy.

<3 <3 <3 <3

Thanks, God!

Some moments happen in life, the world seems to slow down and I become so aware of the beautiful picture in front of me ...

Tonight is Wednesday night date night. Dinner was our typical healthy with a super yummy sugar cookie for dessert. The kitchen cleaned up, a candle lit in Christmas scent, the lights turned off but for the Christmas tree glowing softly in the corner and the warmth of the fire in the fireplace creating the perfect touch of ambiance as we anxiously turned on the 2nd to the last episode ever of Sons of Anarchy.

Have I said a million times, "I love Wednesday nights!"  I do.

Brooke comes out of her room with an electric keyboard and she wants to play for us two songs she has learned.

She sits on the ottoman and her fingers struggle to play the keys.

David listens and I know he is capturing the tune in his head and he goes over and sits so naturally next to her and plays the tune she is wanting to play.

They are both laughing trying to out play one another, but as time slows and my awareness is heightened, I see my little girl trying to learn to do something musical she is passionate about and David slides right next to her to show her, teach her, poke fun with her and they laugh together playing music.

I captured this happy moment in my heart, the many ways he fills a role in both my daughters lives.

I see the patient and loving man that he is. Time invested in my daughters. The way he provides so well for all of us.

I see my little girls heart that has healed so much this year and she loves David. He is the bar set high that she compares others to.

She needs him.

They both love music and watching them compete and play the keyboard together brings lots of laughs and I think of how far we have come learning to be a family. Broken from tragedy to healing and a new life together.

There is something so incredibly sexy about watching him play the piano. It's a side of him I am just learning. Another talent revealed.

Thanks, God!  Know whom to thank.

I am SO Hot!

I am SO hot!  

No, no ... not in the narcissist kind of way, I am hot flashing!! 

Once I had heard if you are highly physically active hot flashes will stop. The last I had a hot flash was the end of last winter. Due to a very physically active summer, all flashes have stopped until about two weeks ago.  

It's kind of like an internal thermometer that gauges I need to get moving. 

I want to move. I want to feel my muscles burn. I like to sweat. 

What I don't like is being anywhere and inconveniently breaking into a sweat, needing to shed layers of clothing, rolling down car windows for fresh cool air because I feel as if I have ran the Monument steps when I haven't! 

My muscles ache anyway from lack of intense use.  

I would rather have these internal triggers than not and be complacent. 

I would rather my muscles ache than the scales gain. 

I would rather hot flash young and handle it like a champ than hot flash old and suffer. 

You see, I have an internal gauge (hormones & muscles) that will let me know when my maximum heart rate has been reached. No need for high tech gadgets when my undeniable internal system craftily created by God says, "Get moving or sweat anyway!" 

I am comfortable, then raging hot, suffocating and sweating. Peel everything off and in two minutes the flash is over I am suddenly cold from being under dressed. Repeat. Repeat.  

When I flash I feel a little overly emotional and suddenly I want to cry about something. Anything. Pick a topic.  

Doing a bit of research to understand all this, WebMD says, "It's like PMS, only amped up -- crying jags, happy happies, cranky crankies. These are common in women around the time of menopause. And if you had bad PMS, the hormonal changes that happen during this time may cause even bigger mood swings."

When I feel like I want to cry, instead of talking about the topic that pops in my mind first, I consciously have to let the moment pass to see if there is validity to it once the amped-up emotions cool off. 

Understanding all this empowers me to beat all that is going on creating havoc inside me. As a girl who is stimulated by challenge, I accept this fate and am set to conquer this internal chaos to the best of my ability. 

Predicaments

Life is full of predicaments and I have learned through the decades results are 100% better to go to the throne instead of the phone.

I look back at my search for significance and laugh with a humorous God that he plopped me right smack in the middle of incredible needs at the rescue mission.

Often I feel unqualified for this front of the battle line role and guilty at my rants often feeling overwhelmed.

Add in unexpected expenses on a nonprofit income. 

Sammy Blue is getting sick again and the cost of his vet office visit and needed medications, I do not have.  

When I say I hand things to God, I really do. One would think He is my husband because we spend so much time together and I put most everything on Him. 

It  is a prayer, but it's not a prayer, which almost always makes the best prayer. The familiar said out loud in frustration, "You are going to have to handle this, I do not have it." 

Scary isn't it. Not a holy prayer with head bowed and eloquent words for presentation, best results kind of prayer. 

Shorty after, my mom called saying she wants to give me my Christmas gift money early so I can buy exactly what I want and she will wrap it for Christmas.  Not getting paid until this coming Monday, I felt guilty but knew that my Christmas money could buffer the cost until I get paid.

It has to be done, Sammy is sick.

It's aggravating to me to work so hard and financially struggle.

David texts me that he is going to pick Sammy up from the vet so I don't have to getting off work late.

I come home to him fixing my fireplace to get it working again and Sammy home. David paid Sammy Blue's vet bill and refuses to let me pay him back.

God provided through David. 

David and I united as one. Him financially blessed, me broke but a significance seeking God girl. 

A perfect match, complements of God.

I always have everything I need. God is an amazing provider. 

When I feel unqualified at the rescue mission, I think of all the unqualified's in the Bible. God's power is made perfect in weakness and I am most often on the weak end desperately seeking God's intervention. 

When I don't have and need, God provides.

Some days I can't look far ahead into a future I cannot see, I have to keep my eyes on today. One day at a time.

When I feel the pressure of a quickly approaching holiday season, I remember the gifts we had when money was plenty and I have to step back out of others holiday shopping hustle-n-bustle and keep Christmas in perspective. 

Jesus birth. 

Black Friday ad's everywhere, my mailbox and email blowing up with shopping savings discounts and the malls packed with consumers entertaining themselves in mindless shopping for 'stuff' not even needed.  

Consumerism gone wild. 

A shift is happening in my perspectives. 

God's power is made perfect in weakness. Less me, more God. 

This is a MUCH better position then more me, less God. 

Yesterday, I was doing devotions in Proverbs for dinner guests and residents before the meal and we read ...

"The rich are wise in their own eyes; 

one who is poor and discerning sees how deluded they are."

- Proverbs 28:11

Do not be jealous of the rich, money may be all they have.

God reminding me and the population He has placed under my care that faith is far better than riches.

Freaking Fashion Model

I prefer to wear a natural finger nail look for several reasons:

#1:  Chipped nail polish looks awful.

B:   Fashion magazines and celebrities always sport a natural nail look.

Choo choo train:   What a waste of money.

A few weeks ago I splurged to get my nails done for date night. What I really needed was my cuticles cleaned up by a professional and I wanted to sport a brazen red on my nails for a different look.

It was fun.

It was a girlie.

I'm ready to shed the red.

Shellac can be picked off as an alternative to going back into a salon and paying to have it removed (again, a waste of money). And I managed in curiosity to see if I could pick it off to lift a slight corner and with an easy pull, half the nail polish lifted off my finger nail in one easy piece.

You can't stop when something this great happens (saving money & time going back to a salon).

Here I am, driving to church today with the nail polish completely pulled off of one of my nails when Brooke notices and I agree and said out loud, "I know, I look like ghetto trash."  That was probably a bit harsh, but I'm still the girl who doesn't wear colored nail polish so I don't look chipped.

Brooke quickly defends me and passionately says, "Mom!  You drive a sporty car that nobody else has and are a freaking fashion model, you are not ghetto trash!"  [World, stop!]

Stop!  At "freaking fashion model."  Let me savor this sweet moment.

By no means am I a fashion model. More like comfort queen and over-wearer of my few favorite outfits.

I am casual jean wearing with a tendency toward sexy tops, a natural finger nail look, with simple princess cut diamond earrings kind of girl with long, flowing dark curly locks.

A more casual, classic look.

I am flattered my high school daughter thinks I am a freaking fashion model.

Sexy & Smoldering

Etched in tattoos.

Strong athletic body.

Highly intelligent.

A blend of G.Q. meets Buckle.

Perfectionist extraordinaire.

That new edgy mustache goatee.

He is sexy & smoldering.

Freddie

Freddie was happy.

Freddie & Frederica

Once upon a time a very health conscious and fitness extraordinaire boy text he had gone out to eat with his daughter and ate a large pasta entree, had two beverages, finished her meal and then had ice cream. I replied, "Whoaaaaa! Freddie Fat Ass!"

Thus began Freddie.

Then came Frederica.

Freddie likes ice cream.

Frederica likes all things chocolate.

On Wednesday night date night, during our show I asked him if he would like, "Ice cream? Cake? Iced Tea?" Freddie's eyes flew open and in excited school boy expression he said, "You have ice cream cake?!"

"No. I said I have ice cream, cake, iced tea."

"You said ice cream and cake together without the and."  Heart break is written all over him.

Tonight is date night. Without kids.

Freddie won't be heartbroken.

A Frame of Mind

Date nights are special moments etched out in the week of quality one-on-one time.

Wednesday nights are at-home date nights all-inclusive with dinner together (candles for ambiance) and cuddled up next to each other watching Sons of Anarchy.

It may sound basic to some, but I assure you it isn't.

Date night is a frame of mind.

It is a wistful craving, a euphoria of the heart.

It is the crescendo of my week.

It is normalcy with special touches always added. Whether it be a new dinner entree, a side dish, a beverage or a dessert, I strive to experience something new and enhanced with him. I love his notice of all things new.

Seldom do I have anything new to wear, but I strive to make sure I am put together.

To me it would be a certain death the day he would walk through the door and I wouldn't care. The day I wouldn't care what I looked like, what my home looked like or what he thought.

I love loving him. I love liking him and I love being in love with him.

All three make a very important difference.

Awesome Responsibility

A hospital representative came to the rescue mission to introduce me to her successor, because we are near and dear to her heart, she wants to ensure he continues in her footsteps as well as meeting me.

It became one of those tours where fascination opens the minds eye because he had never seen or known about a men's homeless shelter and a meal ministry that feeds the poor.

I can always gauge their interest by their questions and his were transparent. He wanted to know all sorts of details.

This makes it fun for me when I can be raw and truthful about the mission versus the polished, sweet and high-level overview that most people prefer.  I like answering the questions that fascinate people.

He inquisitively asked substance abuse in this population ... how I handle those situations.

He asked about the guys living in the homeless shelter ... how did they get there ... was I afraid?  Not. At. All.

He asked about the homeless dinner guests ... their lifestyle ... interesting questions kept coming.

Genuine intrigue makes tours more entertaining.

He became fascinated with my role.

All that goes on every day, the extreme needs that are met, this population of people I provide for and my reactions to their random behaviors.

So much happens every day. So many extreme needs that comes at me in every direction. I impact peoples lives daily.

I provide absolute needed human necessities.

They come to me as if I am their minister, I hear their broken stories and they believe I am their liaison to God. It is an incredible responsibility.

I instruct, lead and direct poor performers to do the work.

I am a mom to the boys who have no parents and are lost. I care for them when they are sick, encourage them and become their safe place.

These are the ones that matter to me.

This group does not include the 350+ workers and volunteers that come through my kitchen every month, all who need something from me, coming at me all day, every day.

I am run to the battle line.

I am front line in feeding the poor, hungry and broken.

I am 6-days per week.

I am also the least paid in the mission and zero benefits.

I am frustrated that in all my awesome responsibility I can barely make ends meet and health insurance is another job away.

5 Seconds

I was thrilled when David text asking if I wanted to go hiking or biking. 

The weather this week is going to bottom out in the 30's with rain and in all his multi-symptoming misery, he gave me what I wanted/needed, an afternoon doing what we do.

Yayyy! I was jumping up and down in my mind excited for an afternoon of adventure and exercise with him.

Knowing I love new experiences, he specifically chose a place I had never been, all-inclusive with a river, trees and hiking trails.

Romance bursts in my mind, because I am a girl.  

I am a relationship, love-oriented, romantic.

He is a results-achieving male.

A man's version of hiking ... find her beautiful trails with water to make her happy, walk fast, increase heart rate, and ask after hiking 5 miles up a steep hill of wet leaves, "Want to race to the top (5 more miles)?" 

Me: "No. Go ahead, I will catch up with you." 

David: "I thought you wanted a workout?" 

His idea of a hike is intense workout. For the record, I know he doesn't get his best intense workouts with me. That he prefers to go faster and harder. When we bike he likes to ride at 16 mph, I prefer 10.

This was after his recent comment of my lagging behind, "Are you getting tired?" 

I'm thinking ... as long as I love doing physical activity with him and never, ever complain, I deserve more words of affirmations on being a super-trooper versus the obvious pointed out.

Quickly, I go to in my mind how differently men and women are wired. Physically, in our thoughts and actions. We have been wired differently from the very beginning on purpose.

I immediately think the thought ... if I was a few years younger than him and in incredible shape, he would still have much better endurance than me. Guys are just made that way and he is already in tip-top shape. I'm confident I would lag behind anyway. 

My idea of a hike is walking new trails I've never seen, admiring nature and spending quality time in a romantic setting holding hands with him while increasing my heart rate. It is a blend of outdoors, walking and romance.

These are the thoughts flowing through my mind and I thought I need to gently tell him what I am really needing to make this moment perfect ... "I like to hike with you and hold your hand." 

He heard criticism and felt as if I dumped the first load of hot coals over his head. 

Translation:  [I can't even guess how it sounded to him. I'm certain his perspective and version of yesterday would verify how differently men and women see the same situation, but I don't have his version to share here. Although it would probably make a funny blog post.].  

He replies, "I picked out a new trail I knew you would like with water. It's cold out so my hands are in my pockets and I constantly need a kleenex."

Men are achievement oriented.

Women are relationship love oriented.

He achieved his goal giving me the exercise he knows I long for in a setting I would love.

I want all that PLUS him to take 5 seconds to want to pull me in his arms, kiss me and tell me he loves me.

Today Begins a New Day

I am convinced I thrive in sunshine, nature and outdoor activity.

Put me near water and something in me triggers the feel of vacation. On a biking adventure, the burn in my muscles, the appreciation of nature and an afternoon away with just David and I is the ultimate stress reliever.

Biking was our new hobby this summer and with appropriate bikes purchased, necessary gadgets added, our momentum was on the upswing as we found our niche on biking adventures.

Twenty pounds less and holding, momentum high inside I am screaming, "Noooooooooo!" at a long winter quickly approaching, cold weather and it being dark far too early.

Before the unravel of all my hard work, as my body aches for hours of outdoor physical activity, I simply have got to figure out how to keep my momentum high and enter the next stage of health and fitness.

There is something about wearing little clothing and sweating that strengthens the core of my mind.

I want this next level.

I want to fine-tune what I have started and be at a significantly better place when spring arrives.

Today begins a new day.

Egalitarianism Contradiction

My name is Dawn and I am an egalitarianism contradiction.

I am reading along in my book when a description WHACKS! my attention.

The gist of it is, I insist on an egalitarian relationship where we both have equal authority, yet I contradict egalitarianism by expecting him to lead our relationship.

It's all very confusing, but it makes perfect sense.

My reality is, I am both mom and dad. I have both full responsibility as the provider and the caretaker in my home. I don't get half of life's responsibility, nor do I have the financial safety net of a partner to pick up the pieces should I not do well.  I get full-fledged both responsibilities without a break or a crutch. Times that by 18+ years.

Honestly, I would love to watch a movie with certain people playing both my roles in life endlessly and see how they would truly do. Making it work isn't an option, but it changes a person.

By rights, I have full authority.

By my beliefs, I have old-fashioned values.

I often tease David and let him know he is the boss because I let him be the boss, to which he says he isn't the boss if I allow him to be.

I recognize he has a natural male desire to lead our relationship. And sometimes I patiently wait a 1/2 a second then take the lead in areas that are important to me.

It's confusing because I live in a world where I believe one way, but I live another because it isn't an option.

Time fine-tunes well-honed skills.

Insight and discernment recognizes the invisible battle.

Date Night

I am completely enamored with David. I still get butterflies and as aggressively affectionate and openly loving and affectionate as we are, once in a while I look at him, watch him and get momentarily school-girl crush shy.

Moments like this hit me often, then I tell myself he is mine, touch him! Kiss him! Feel his muscles! Admire his sexy & smoldering looks! Respect this raw masculine, all-inclusive package that is my perfect.

Breathe him in.

This is me loving, cherishing and admiring him.

I love scruff and David's new facial hair is resurrecting primal arousal in me. I believe he thinks I am over exaggerating, but there is an invisible magnetic pull that draws me in and I want to feel his scruff on my lips and cheeks. I feel like a cat marking my territory and leaving my scent, but its just me inflamed with him.

I'm off the subject here: Date night.

Yesterday was fun and a bit different for me. We had a Saturday night date planned so I went shopping to find something new to wear, so he doesn't always have see me in my habitually familiar clothes and got my nails done (I never get my nails done).

It all felt so feminine to do a little something extra in seeking his attentions eye.

We had a relaxed dinner at home and met some friends at a comedy club to watch the Naughty Hypnotist.

I love being with the most handsome man in the room.

He is mine.

To be next to him, his arm casually across my leg, laughing and being out fills something in me that I don't ever have a need to seek for.

I share these details because I am blessed.

I appreciate all these details to the fullest because I don't take any of it for granted.

To be silent is complacent. Complacency is being pleased with my situation without awareness of potential danger.

Think of all the little things that present themselves daily; commercials, movies, music, social media to side track time and attention. The little subtle thoughts, messages that pique curiosity that take eyes off what is important and fills countless seconds, minutes and maybe hours of attention and before you know it, the subtle things you didn't intend to choose have become subtle thoughts and choices planted in our minds that turn the ship.

Because life is becoming more filled with the subtle's that seek to destroy, I love what is most important to me and I keep my eyes on exactly that.

I'm feeling A.D.D. this morning.

Date nights, quality time. Home or out.

That's the variety that I like.

Date night at home is Wednesday night, our designated night of the week to have dinner together and watch Sons of Anarchy.

The thrill of his birthday surprise date night that was a crescendo in my mind. Many details planned behind the scenes to pull of a grand production to emulate and surpass in love. And an upcoming OSU vs. Michigan game means another crescendo is coming. And, I LOVE, bask in, and strive for crescendos!

I am a pretty simple girl in a growing complicated world with my eyes on exactly what I love and what is most important.

Date nights are a love language.

A Funny God

Yesterday, I had to face a situation that quite honestly unnerved me to my core.

My hands started shaking as if my sugar was crashing, in the car driving my throat started constricting and I am looking to see what I have in case I get sick.

I volleyed in my mind, do I sent out an all-alert, Facebook prayer warrior request and decided not to.

It's you and me God.

Driving, I sent up serious, rapid-fire prayers for mercy, grace and protection. I am walking into an unstable situation that was out of my control.

I questioned again do I send a prayer warrior request to Facebook with some pretty strong faith-based friends.

Good grief, I am running late and this van in front of me is driving under the speed limit.  I have no room to pass and my attention is now on this white van.

Who is this slow driver?!

Guardian Protection Services

A very funny God!

I am a signs girl. As I sat and waited to face what I truly dreaded, my thoughts went back to my sign while driving and it did calm me.

My situation ended in my favor.

Later, out of curiosity I Google'd Guardian Protection Services to see where they were located. The nearest location is two hours away.

Breaking Bad ... Habits

When Brooke's dad was alive and we were together (15 years ago) I had a bad habit of calling him names and often said rude and nasty comments out loud.

Because he couldn't hear me, I would. He couldn't hear out of one ear and I am certain he didn't hear well out of his good ear.

I would call him names in close proximity and he would turn to me and say, "What did you say?" No idea I was blasting him.

I learned to argue tough early on and I am certain being a single mom all these years and working in professional arenas with intelligent physicians and executives, I learned to stand my ground like a rock and argue like a man. Liking words and being as descriptive as possible, I can put my thoughts together and hit a bulls eye target a million miles away with 100% accuracy.

It took me a while after Brooke's dad and I separated to break the bad habit of out-loud, name-calling, because my next relationship wasn't deaf. I often found myself cringing [Oh crap, he heard that!].

Fast forward to 44 years old, being a single mom for 18+ years and what I have is decades of well-honed arguing skills.

Communication is key in a loving relationship and I found this awesome book that love and respect must be unconditional.

God created men and women differently. We are wired differently and communication is the biggest challenge when we are wired to think differently, feel differently, hear differently, look at things differently and speak a different language.

Women tend to be relationship (love)-oriented and men tend to be achievement (respect)-oriented.

He speaks a "respect language" and us girls speak a "love language."

Neither are wrong, just different.

It all funnels down to this ...

WITHOUT LOVE, SHE REACTS WITHOUT RESPECT.

WITHOUT RESPECT, HE REACTS WITHOUT LOVE.

We were made differently on purpose to become whole together.

Love is a choice. I choose to speak his respect language.

I have a lot of work ahead of me to learn to speak his respect language. It is like learning to speak a foreign language when all I have spoken for four decades is English.

This journey is important to me, because he is important to me and so is love.

Unlimited Possibilities

It sounds significant, but you would be surprised to know the little things that are significant to me.

Let me explain ... I have always been that mom that secretly loves when school starts. I love the school routine where my girls go to bed early and when they are not eating me out of house and home while being human tornadoes.

I love mornings to myself and I don't get them in the summer.

Guess what I haven't had since Mariah graduated last May? Mornings to myself!

Our new routine is Brooke walks out the door for school and five minutes later, Mariah wakes up.

Mariah has been working a kiosk job at the mall, her work hours are later in the day. It feels the same when she was a baby, the moment my feet would hit the floor, her eyes would fly open. Never a moment to myself. Now, Mariah has a new job. Working days = up and out early right behind Brooke. Thank you, Jesus!

And I have taken a vacation day today.

Rose-colored Glasses

It was an autumn picturesque day.

The sun was shining in grand splendor, the sky as blue as it could be. The leaves on the trees complementing God's creation in vivid color.

The reds deep and rich, the yellow/golden trees vibrant and the orange trees bursting in an I-am-autumn kind of way. It was all so much to take in and every where I looked I was in awe.

Midday, realizing I was wearing sunglasses, I took them off to see their true colors. To see them more magnificent.

While it was still a pretty autumn day, it wasn't nearly as brilliant with the lenses of my sunglasses removed.

Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.

I couldn't get over the difference between pretty and picturesque. The duller version versus the vibrant. I hadn't seen the colors as they truly were because my lenses enhanced so well and it made me feel bad that I what I thought I was seeing and loving, I wasn't.

Truly, it was seeing through the cliche of rose-colored glasses.

My perspective had been enhanced.

My mindset in the way of looking at the scenes in front of me provided me a different attitude and an angle of seeing colors differently. From ordinary to extraordinary.

It was more the shock that it never occurred to me as I was taking everything in in awe, that I wasn't seeing things as they really were.

So, I put my sunglasses back on.

I choose to see colors more brightly. I prefer to see colors through rose-colored glasses for enhancing sake. I want to see life in vibrant colors versus ordinary.

Rose-colored glasses is a perspective much like our perspective and lenses we choose to see things in life.