Tuesday, February 26, 2013

"Lord, Please Keep Them Safe"

Mariah came home from her dad's with another box of treasures.

I honestly cannot imagine going through my pictures, slowly passing them to my daughters, knowing I was going to die soon.

When Mariah says, "My dad gave me more things" I can feel the weight of pressure on my chest as I hold my breath afraid to breathe not knowing how she will handle sharing with me gifts he gave her that were so important to him.

A tin box full of pictures of him and I before we were married, when we were married, together with me pregnant, with Mariah as a baby, and a prayer.

On the back of our family picture, just the three of us, Mariah had to be maybe 5 months old, he wrote, "The two most important loves of my life. Lord, please keep them safe and secure in your loving arms."

Written and dated 9/4/97, three months after our divorce.

Sometimes I can't help but cry.

I look at the pictures and they seem a lifetime ago. I look at the picture of a young girl who is so different than who I am today and there are so many things I wish I could tell her. There would be no words to prepare her for what the next 20 years would look like, all that would happen, how she would change, but that she would be okay.

I don't know how little time Eric has left and my heart breaks for him how he must feel handing our daughter pictures and momentos of his life that he treasured so much.

He tells Mariah to show his nurse how pretty your mom is. I knew he was always proud of me and that he still likes to introduce me as Mariah's mom (his ex-wife).

Eric & me one year before we were married ... a lifetime ago.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Forgive With No Strings Attached

What do you do when an apology never comes? 

My soul soul stays in unrest until I choose to release it.

Freedom is not contingent upon receiving an apology from the one who has hurt you. Instead, forgiveness leads to freedom and healing.

Forgiving isn't forgetting, it is simply not allowing the other person to continue hurting you.

What hurt are you carrying around in your heart?

Move beyond it. Free your heart. Free your mind.

Forgive with no strings attached.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Readers

After two years of not being able to focus at close range or read small print with my contacts in, I made the huge acceptance leap and bought a pair of chic readers.

I say acceptance, because I am no longer fighting the fact that age is affecting my eyesight.

Laughingly, I say the next time a 20'something or a 30'something gets flirty, I'm pulling my readers out and only hours later, I put my theory to the test.  My girls and I go out for the evening to see STOMP at our local performing arts theater, when a group of guys late teens and early 20's were rudely breaking their necks staring at us only three seats away. Mariah insisted it was me they were staring at.

I'm jumping up and down inside excited to test my theory of I'm older than you think. I pulled my readers out and put them on down low (as instructed) to read the program.  Mariah is mortified and says, "Mom, they make you look old!"  Perfect, that is exactly what I am going for!

It didn't hinder our group of onlookers, but I did feel a bit empowered that I have found a great buzzkill for the younger generation.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Instant Boyfriend

During a conversation I was having with Eric, Mariah's dad, he asked, "Is Mike still harassing Mariah?"

"Oh no, let me explain ..." and I squashed his concerns.

Mike was Mariah's first real boyfriend she dated for 1-1/2 years. She ended the relationship with him last summer and broke his heart.

She has another she is crazy about.

A few weeks ago, they had a moment in the hallway at high school and they came back to our house to talk. There had been hard feelings on Mike's end from being hurt, but because they still care about each other they agreed to stay best friends.

Friends that kiss.

Mariah enjoys this instant boyfriend relationship. Enjoys the adoration, feeling cherished, kissed, but not commited.

Five days in a row Mike was at our house.

She received two bouquets and ice cream outside our front door when he wasn't here.

He texts, he calls. Mariah explains to him she doesn't want a relationship, he pulls out all the stops and says he wants to be involved in church with her, which was an issue when they were dating. She yells in text, "Stop bothering me! Stop texting me!"

He panics and tries harder.

Poor Mike. I call Mariah out and tell her to not play this game with him, he is emotional, and it's not fair.

"Eric, Mike is not harassing Mariah ..."I explain.  I know he is worried and feels powerless to do anything, but I assure him that I am on it. If it was harassment, I personally would end it.

Valentine's Day comes. Mike and Mariah went on a nice date, he bought her a camo shirt & hat for their bonfire/mudding field party last night that everyone from high school went to.

Mike is a Senior and such a good looking boy. Mike & Mariah are a popular "couple" in high school (another perk Mariah likes) and many are happy to see them together ... besides Mike's girlfriend he just broke up with the day after he kissed my Mariah again.

It is for Mariah to make her own decisions in life. It is for me to get on her and teach her to play nicely when she isn't playing a fair game with a boy who genuinely loves her.

Instant boyfriend.

I don't know where she gets this from.




Thursday, February 14, 2013

Card, Candy & Flowers

Traditional Valentines Day gifts in an untraditional way.

A card from my grandmother. Pink roses and a best girlfriend lunch with Christin. White tulips from Faye and a box of chocolates from my brother.  All the bases were covered that made this Valentine's Day with no expectations into one where I just felt happy for the people in my life that always make such a difference.

The best part of my day was the burst-out-loud gut laugh with Christin.  Let me back up and tell you how I prepared for today for my girls ...

Weeks ago, Christin, gave me the idea to surprise my girls at school. I was excited about changing the day up a bit for them and bought GIANT Valentine Day cards 3'x2' and a large red heart full of chocolates for each of them.

This is Mariah's last Valentines with her dad, so I called Eric in preparation and asked if he wanted his name on the card and wanted the surprise from both of us, he was pleased. The card was signed:

"We love you so much!
Mommy & Daddy"


Finally, my plan was executed once they both left for school. Before going into the office, I drove to the middle school, then the high school dropping off their tokens of love in the office so they would be called down out of their classes with a fun surprise waiting for them.

I was excited. I could only imagine how pleased they would both be.

Mariah text "thanks for the card & chocolate."  Brooke, nothing.

At 4:00 p.m. I called home to give instructions on starting dinner, I asked Mariah if she like her surprise, "Yah, thanks. Ummmm ... about this weekend, can I ..." she goes on listing her weekend plans. I call Brooke's cell and asked about her day. She said "thanks for the card and chocolates."

Christin is across from me and can hear the conversations.  I hang up and say, "Brats! They are spoiled brats!"  She bursts out laughing and said they are just used to me doing so much for them, but that I will probably snap when I get home feeling so unappreciated.  I could feel my let-down of the surprise complement the reality of now they are both on my nerves and could sense I could just snap.

All I could do was laugh.

A good and hearty gut laugh at the ridiculousness of my constant efforts and their too-used-to appreciation. Honestly, it was the best laugh in ages.

Let's just say, I walked in the door at 5:30 p.m. and there on the counter sat dinner that Mariah forgot to put in the oven that had been at 400 degrees for 1-1/2 hours.

Thank goodness for girlfriends. How thoughtful of my brother.

Often it is a combination of the most unlikely people that really make a Valentine's Day special.

Happy Valentine's Day

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Umbrella/Singing in the Rain

 
Middle School Talent Show
presented on stage
in Theater
 
Not just a regular school talent show, but our township talent show. A community where parents invest in their children and the standards are high.
 
The audience was full and I held my breath when the first act was a group of kids with down syndrome singing and dancing on stage. I was braced for the reaction of the student body, but what they did was they sang along, clapped to the beat of the song and cheered as if they were their biggest fans.
 
The acts were amazing. Dancers. Singers, solo, in duets, or in groups of three. Violinists. Pianists. Boy bands that felt as if you were at a rock concert, the student student body when wild! Exceptional performers, not at home talent. Two little baton twirlers came out and I smiled with little expectation. These girls stole the show!  They twirled, flipped, they rolled spinning batons on their bodies while they danced, the juggled and twirled three batons while dancing. I've never seen anything like it.
 
My Brooke's act was about to happen and I was breathless with anticipation, excitement, and nerves. 
 
In Brooke fashion, she assumes everything will pull together with little effort. She went to tryouts without a single practice with her friend she was doing a duet with. The music she downloaded onto a cd for their tryout performance didn't work.
 
Only half the students that tried out actually made the talent show and I thought her music not working would have been their easy out.
 
They made it.
 
They came together at tryouts for the first time and sang a cappella. I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but they had to have the correct music submitted at school the morning after tryouts if they wanted to stand a chance to make it into the show. There was no time and I didn't know how to help, so I prayed for Divine Intervention.
 
The staff loved it so much, they said they would find and handle the music for them and they did. Thank you, God!
 
Brooke and her friend took to stage and called themselves The Drizzles. Her friend started singing the first verse of Umbrella, then Brooke sang her verse of Singing in the Rain. Back to Umbrella, they sang a couple versus together, and broke back and forth with Glee's blended version of Umbrella/Singing in the Rain.
 
They did such a good job and Brooke kept breaking out into a huge smile as friends from the audience were shouting, "We love you, Brooke!" 
 
The evening turned out sensational. Brooke learned that by participating in this production she made many friends and kids she wasn't friends with congratulated her on a job well done.
 
I still stand amazed at the performances and the student bodies applause and genuine support of every single performance, even the few that weren't above par. 
 
"Singing In The Rain / Umbrella"(feat. Gwyneth Paltrow)
(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Yeah, Holly
(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Good girl gone bad
(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Take three...action!
(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Woah!

You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
May be in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby, 'cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
'Cause I...

I'm singin' in the rain (We'll shine together)
Just singin' in the rain (We'll be forever)
What a glorious feeling (Be a friend)
And I'm happy again (Stick it out 'til the end)
I'm laughing at clouds (More than ever)
So dark, up above (We'll share each other)
I'm singin', singin' in the rain (Umbrella)
You can stand under my umbrella (Ella, ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella, ella, eh eh eh eh eh eh)

These fancy things
Will never come in between
You're part of my entity
Here for infinity
When the world has took its part
When the world has dealt its cards
If the hand is hard
Together we'll mend your heart
'Cause I...

I'm singin' in the rain (We'll shine together)
Just singin' in the rain (We'll be forever)
What a glorious feeling (Be a friend)
And I'm happy again (Stick it out 'til the end)
I'm laughing at clouds (More than ever)
So dark, up above (We'll share each other)
I'm singin', singin' in the rain (Umbrella)

You can stand under my umbrella (Umbrella)
Ella, ella, eh eh eh (Just singin' in the rain)
Under my umbrella (What a glorious feeling)
Ella, ella, eh eh eh (And I'm happy again)
Under my umbrella (I'm laughing at clouds)
Ella, ella, eh eh eh (So dark, up above)
Under my umbrella (I'm singin')
Ella, ella, eh eh eh eh eh eh (Singin' in the rain...)

It's rainin', rainin'
Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin'
Baby, come here to me
Come here to me
It's rainin', rainin'
Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin' (More than ever)
Baby, come here to me
Come here to me

It's rainin', rainin' (I'm singin' in the rain)
Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin' (Just singin' in the rain)
Baby, come here to me (What a glorious feeling)
Come here to me (And I'm happy again)
It's rainin', rainin' (I'm laughing at cluods)
Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin' (So dark, up above)
Baby, come here to me (The sun's in my heart)
And I'm ready for love

My umbrella, my umbrella
My umbrella, my umbrella


 
 
 


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Vibes and Invisible Radars

The universe is going crazy. Well, at least the men are.

I go through phases, I always have. My spirit is unsettled and I go a bit buck wild, then I settle down. That's where I am right now, calm and settled.

There must be a hormone that is put off when a female is comfortable not wanting a relationship, men smell it a mile away.  All of a sudden they start talking relationships.

I have had two separate marriage discussions this week and it's almost annoying. Me, a female says,"I'm not interested in being in a relationship at all right now." A guy hears, a challenge.

I'm back up to four men. I don't collect men, I enjoy them when I have windows of spare time, then keep them at arms length.

Honestly, I'm exhausted.

I'm giving 110% in my new career, which calls for overtime hours. I am in my final course to graduation, which takes my academic attention at least four nights a week. I have a home to maintain and teen daughters to be with. I'm too tired for a relationship.

It's winter anyway, the perfect blah time of year to focus on a new career with six weeks left until I graduate. Mariah's dad, Eric, is in the back of my mind, too. We have a major tragedy we are about to face again dead on.

The way I see it, I'm hibernating and focusing until spring gets here, then outdoor fun begins, hello summer!

While I enjoy the men in my life and appreciate their charming qualities, their constant attention, and dashingly over the top good looks, nothing clicks in my mind that I want anything called a relationship. Anxiety over the subject in general goes quickly from sweet to annoying.

I think tonight I am just exhausted and aggravated. One pours out his heart tonight saying "I love you" and very confidant he will have a ring on my finger in three months. It's not even close to happening. It bothers me that I wish my heart swooned over those promises.

When I was young and desperately wanted to be married, I must have put off a desperate vibe and men sensed it.

I guess the trick is to just not care and an invisible radar goes out to every hunter in the wild that there is an challenge on the loose. A gazelle that has no intention of being trapped.

Tomorrow is another day, I could change my mind completely.



Sunday, February 3, 2013

"Could You Do Something?" Part 2

There seems to be a wide range of reaction and emotion from my initial "Could You Do Something?" post, specifically on Facebook.

While some seem to feel my reaction is harsh and not quite believable, I do have the praise and absolute support from every female who currently has little ones or teenagers in their homes. Well, from the females who have similar high standards maintaining their homes and have a job.

My home is a reflection of me. I like it clean, organized, clutter-free, well put together, calm, and a smoothly run household as our place of refuge. All the work is on me though.

My daughters have two areas of responsibility, their rooms and their bathroom.

Guess the three disasters in my house. I wish my home was two levels so I wouldn't have to look at those three rooms at all.

Yesterday, I taught Brooke a helpful trick.  Febreeze.

When your room looks like a tornado hit it, it doesn't have to smell like one, too.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

"Could You Do Something?"


After an exhausting week of working O.T., maintaining course work, and running a home I asked Brooke to clean her room, clean their bathroom, and take the recyclables out today.
 
She says, "Could you do something?"
 
That is the 2nd time I've heard that comment in a couple of weeks so YES, I did do something ... I created the following list that will be her full responsibility starting Monday for 1 week and I am going to park my ass on the couch and watch tv every night after work ...
 

MORNING

·         Make bed

·         Get ready for school/work

·         Make sure all lunches are packed and food put away

·         Wash down all countertops

·         Put everything in appropriate places in the bathroom

EVENING

·         Make dinner, serve, and clean up

o   Load and run the dishwasher

·         Wash down kitchen

o   Countertops, stove, refrigerator, dining room table, microwave

·         Make sure the house is picked up before you go to bed

DAILY/WEEKLY MAINTENANCE

·         Go through the house and make a grocery/products list and go grocery shopping

o   Plan meals for the week

o   Haul groceries in and put it away

·         Constantly check food supply to make sure we haven’t run out of necessary food items for lunches

·         Sweep floors every other day

·         Maintain laundry being wash, at least 4 loads a week + towels

o   Divide our clothes into 3 piles, per person out of the dryer, lay out flat and take everyone’s items to their rooms

o   Fold towels and put away

·         Load, wash and put dishes away every day

·         Trash goes out Friday morning

o   Drag the trash can back up the driveway, nobody else notices it

·         Grab the mail every day and sort through bills

·         Check water supply 2x per week

·         Wash floors 1x per week

·         Vacuum 2x per week

·         Change bedding 1x per week

·         Wash bathrooms 1x per week; however, wipe down and maintain during the week

·         Dust everything 1x per week

·         Make sure all the shoes are not gathering at the front/back door

o   Sweep up the dirt

·         Drop off recyclables 1x per week

·         Plan “Technology-free” family night for Thursday evenings

·         The driveway is covered in snow

o   You may need to shovel a couple of times per day

o   Salt

·         Run through the car was at least 2x per week and keep the car clean

·         Don’t forget to check and make sure we are not running out of bread, milk, juice, and water

·         Every day know what you are making for dinner that evening and make sure you have all necessary items

·         Make sure there is always plenty of fresh fruit in the house

·         Make sure there is chocolate stashed somewhere for PMS

·         Make sure the lunch snacks aren’t being eaten at home for breakfast or in the evenings, otherwise there is nothing good to put in lunches

·         Go to work/school

·         Maintain all homework assignments

·         Try to find time for fun
 
Nothing like walk a week in my shoes to answer her question best! 
 
P.S. Don't forget to go to Grammy & Papa's house to check their mail and water their plants, too.