Happy

Today I am happy.

My relationship with Billy ended 2 months ago.

I say it ended, because a dear friend made the comment to me that for the last two months, I have said we are separated. Separated is temporary. It was my hope our separation would be temporary.

Everyone in my life knows I love Billy. I deeply loved him and I still do.

When you deeply love someone in the purest way, you keep of a piece of them in tucked away in a special place in your heart forever.

I gave myself two months. 

Know what your heart can handle and handle with care.  “In a relationship” is now off Facebook and our pictures are down.  A conversation I can handle now. 

I filled my months with sitting still and fun.

Time heals. So does having every one of your senses come “alive” again!

It involves quite possibly the most beautiful man I have ever met. Did I say sexy, smart, and stimulating? I’m beaming!

In fact, I find myself walking around smiling a lot.

There are no guarantees in life to me beyond the fact that God is God and I unconditionally love my daughters.

There are definitely no guarantees with men.

I am completely okay if he is Mr. Right Now.  Right now I am being filled with magical words and magical emotions. He is a gift.

Today is Billy’s 43^rd birthday and today doesn’t hurt at all.

Today I am happy.

1/2 of a Birthday Present

For Mariah’s 16^th birthday last weekend, my ex-husband, his wife and I planned a luau.  We spent the evening shopping together, and hosted a luau celebration with both sides of our families.

When it came to Mariah’s expensive birthday gift, we split that too. 

Brooke asks “Mom, who are you going to split my birthday gift with?”  In fear she won’t get the same quality gifts her sister does. 

I promise her that she will always receive the same financial amount of gifts that her sister gets.  Brooke’s dad passed away 8 months ago.

Brooke’s 12^th birthday is in two months. 

She is excited.  My heart hurts. 

Her first birthday without her daddy. 

Keith always went overboard on birthdays, holidays and never brought Brooke home from his weekend with her without a present. 

Gifts were his love language.

Ensuring Brooke gets the same quality gifts as her big sister, she asks again “Mom, who are you going to split my birthday gift with?”  She needs an answer.  She wants an answer.

Do not cry, I yell in my own mind.  My chest hurts.  Tears want to surface.

“Brookie, I am going to split your birthday gifts with your daddy.  I will pay for ½ your gift and the other ½ will come out of daddy’s social security.” 

Brooke smiles.  Satisfaction.  I believe that was the exact answer she was hoping for.

I think of Brooke’s upcoming birthday in November and I think I have figured out the PERFECT birthday gift that will bring incredible happiness to her heart!

It will be from her mommy & daddy.

Impossible

adjective

1. not possible
2. unable to be done, performed, effected
3. not to be done with any degree of reason
4. utter impracticable

In the natural, impossible is not a word we often say.

It is a thought.  An adjective that has been planted deep in our minds that we accept.

An impossible situation.  An impossible plan. A roadblock.

Contrary to reason. Hopeless. Unachievable. Unattainable. Inconceivable.

NOT a definition of my God. J

God has no limitations …. and he is in the business of miracles.  

Know who to turn to when impossible presents itself.

16 Candles

Happy birthday, happy birthday, baby
Oh, I love you so

Sixteen candles make a lovely light
But not as bright as your eyes tonight
Blow out the candles, make your wish come true
For I'll be wishing that you love me, too

You're only sixteen
But you're my teenage queen
You're the prettiest, loveliest girl I've ever seen

Sixteen candles in my heart will glow
For ever and ever for I love you so

My Mariah turned 16 years old.

My life forever changed on August 20, 1995.  I will also say it was the most painful day of my life. Natural labor. On accident.

I remember distinctly her being placed in my arms and knowing life has forever changed, but I didn’t really understand how much so at that point in my life.

I also didn’t know unconditional love until I held it. 

Fast forward …

My beautiful baby girl is now 16 years old. 

Even though she celebrated 16 wonderful years with a fabulous luau … a 16^th birthday isn’t complete without 16 Candles by the Crests being played.  Make a wish baby girl!

Sixteen candles in my heart will glow
For ever and ever for I love you so

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

Blessings

I received an award on behalf of our corporate office for a 44% increase in the 2010 United Way Campaign for Summit County and a personal “thank you” from Mrs. Brennan.  A campaign I agree to spearhead on an every-other-year basis. When Ed say’s I have to do the campaign, it means he needs it to be successful.  I give him successful then I say, “I’m not doing it next year!”  He smiles and lets me off the hook. Next year I’m off the hook.  J

The ladies from the American Heart Association Go Red for Women, my favorite event of the year, asked if I would be in their Macy’s photo for 2012 in Akron Lifestyle magazine.  A photo shoot I am looking forward to!

An unexpected $48 check from my insurance company arrived, a refund on my other car with the multi-policy discount, thanks to my new car.

A $50 Visa gift card arrived from Direct Energy, a “please come back” thank you.

Purchasing raffle items at Best Buy for a work event = $4.10 per gallon with Giant Eagle Fuel Perks (to me this is driving for 3 weeks for FREE!) as well as a $50 Best Buy complimentary gift card for selecting the one key item.

Mileage for business trips = extra income.

Krispy Kreme donates 500 FREE doughnuts for a work event that turns into 600 FREE doughnuts, then added yet an extra dozen = 612 FREE doughnuts.

The toilet in my girl’s bathroom had a running leak in the back of the tank.  The sound of the running water was annoying, but it could have waited to be fixed.  My dad did his best to fix it, but it was so old that it broke.  My dad felt bad and replaced it with a new & feminine toilet = free.

Blessings showered on me from many bizarre directions.  Sounds very nice, huh?

I recently read as long as you stay in prayer, you will receive blessings.

I am thankful for these blessings, but these are not the things I am praying for. 

An Amazing Summer!

Brooke and I were saying our "prayers & happy thoughts" this week as I was about to kiss her goodnight. 

Saying her prayers she said, "Thank you God for such an amazing summer ..." she went on for a while and said, "Amen."

I watched her and thought about her prayer, Brooke thanking God for such an amazing summer.  I silently thanked God for being such an amazing God.

Brooke's daddy has been dead for 7 months now.  Not only is she happy and well-adjusted, she is "thankful" to God and has enjoyed her summer immensely. 

Brooke has been covered in love and prayers, so much so that she is still happy after a life-changing tragedy.

Healing. Grace. Love.

When tragedy happens and you need miracle ... thank God that He is in the business of miracles!

Her Daddy's Presence

A couple of weeks ago, Brooke and I stopped by my parent’s new condo.  They had their friends over visiting so we stayed for a short time talking.

Somehow we got onto the subject of sharing stories of strange happenings once a family or loved one has passed.

Stories that give you goose bumps.

We were about to leave and I wanted to share the story of the light in Brooke’s bedroom the day we buried her daddy.

I asked my mom to take Brooke outside, so she couldn’t hear.  My fear was if she heard it, she would be afraid to sleep in her room.

I share my experience, we say our goodbye’s and we head home.

In the car Brooke was furious with me. Feeling I wasn’t being honest with her about something causing her to leave the room. I explain to her that some conversations are not for her to hear.  She was very upset with me and she wouldn’t drop the subject.

In frustration, I told her it was a story about her daddy.  That sometimes I feel his presence. 

She point blank says, “I feel his presence, too!” 

I am caught off guard.  I ask her, “What do you mean you feel his presence?”

Brooke said, “I smell him in my room sometimes.” Whoa, I ask her why she never told me this before?  We are a no-secrets household! 

Brooke shares with me that it has happened only a couple of times where she will have a really good dream and wakes up happy to the smell his cologne filling her room. 

She said that if you smell his ruby ring hard enough, you can smell him, but that the smell in her room is much stronger like he is right there.

My heart hurts for her that she smells his ring to smell her daddy.

She said she isn’t afraid at all, that it makes her feel good. 

I’m glad she finds comfort in this. 

I admit, sometimes it rattles my nerves.

It's ok to not be ok

A perfect title for today.  It’s okay to not be okay. 

Today would have been Karen & Berg’s 3^rd anniversary.  Three years ago today, 8-8-08 we were sipping champagne preparing for her wedding ceremony.  Today, a day of heartache for my dear friend, Berg died only months ago after a battle with pancreatic cancer. 

A week ago, I drove to the beach to spend time with her. She is healing on the shores of a beautiful beach. Sitting still. We talked for hours. Knowing today was just around the corner.

Oh, how special days linger in our hearts with the sense of dread approaching that fills us with emptiness and pain.

Today, another dear friend has a loved one facing medical testing and a series of scans to determine if all the cancer was removed from surgery last week as pathology results come in from lymph nodes that were removed.

Hearts are not okay today and it is okay to not be okay.

an inspirational entry about not pretending

"Is everything ok, Al?" My twin sister asked. "You seem kinda blue."

My first instinct was to feign a smile and pretend like everything was just fine. But deep down, I really wasn't, though I couldn't really put my finger on why. All I knew was in that moment, I felt anxious about many things in my uncertain twenty-something life: what direction my career would take, where I would live, whether I would get that job I applied for, if I would ever fall in love with that "right" person, and much more. As I struggled to give my sister an honest answer, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "It's okay to not be okay all the time."

It is okay...to not be okay.

Sometimes we think being a strong Christian means we have to be happy and cheerful all the time. While it is true that God gives us supernatural portions of joy when we know Him personally, there are times in life we will experience moments, days, even seasons of difficulty, pain, anguish, suffering and trials of many kinds. The Scriptures give us more than enough evidence of this fact: just read the Psalms, or study the lives of Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Paul, Jesus or any other major figure in the Bible. They didn't live lives free from suffering or struggle, but they endured and persevered through them by the grace and strength of their God.

Here are a few things that can help us through our 'not okay' moments of life:

Pour our Heart out to God

Learn to be Vulnerable

Have the Courage to Cry.

Persevere through the Valley.

We all have times of feeling less than our best. But God doesn't want us to run away from it or shove it under the rug like its nothing. It is often in this 'not ok' place that God is doing a deeper work within us. He allows moments of moaning, groaning, suffering, struggling, trials and tears to achieve His higher purposes.

So let me say it one more time: It is okay to not be okay, today. May you have the willingness to pour your heart out to God, the humility to be vulnerable in front of your loved ones, the courage to cry a river of tears, the strength to persevere through the valley and the hope that God will bring you through!

Last Baby Tooth

There are milestones between childhood and the teen years that define our babies are growing up.

Bodies change as hormone take on a form of their own. Growth spurts happen and our little ones are not as short as they once were. 

Last night my Brooke lost her last baby tooth. 

A bittersweet moment.  Two thoughts flood my mind; this is the last time I get to play the role of the tooth fairy, to which Brooke tried to negotiate what a “last tooth” rate should be and that there isn’t much left that defines her as a little girl.

Brooke negotiated a bit too high on what she feels is a fair rate and preferred that I mind as well hand over the cash now.  No way! 

Last night was my last night to be the tooth fairy.  For one last time she had to go to bed excited at not knowing how much $$$ she would receive in the morning and have to wake up to find out.

My littlest one’s last baby tooth. 

My last moment of being a tooth fairy. 

A bittersweet moment for me.

A New Car and a Road Trip!

I always do something for myself around my birthday.  I’m not sure why? 

This year, my Mariah is turning 16 years old and it is time to have a 2^nd car in the family.  Turning 41 years old, I feel it should be sporty and fun simply on the grounds that I can!

I order a fun and sporty car.  Only found out-of-state, shipped in, with a sport package slapped onto it upon arrival. 

One would think that would be enough, but then I have a dear friend summoning me to join her at the beach for a little rest & relaxation, girlfriend style!

I need a getaway.  To the beach. No kids.  No men.  Just sunshine, a few drinks, the beach, laughter and girlfriend time!

I text my ETA to Karen, she says she will be waiting for me “in the land of I don’t give a flip!”  That is exactly where I want to visit.

I ask her to chill me a glass of “it’s all about me!”  She assured me she has purchased every bottle to drink on the island.  Champagne and cake await my arrival.  She has everything covered, girlfriends do!  

The shack she said she leased ocean front on Carolina Beach, NC was not at all a shack!  Now I can stop worrying about her.

I arrived to champagne cork popping, a beautiful spread of appetizers and my bedroom set up with an agenda titled “dreamy days off” with birthday gifts galore!

I have arrived!

Days spent smelling the salty air and splashing our feet it the ocean as we walked along the beach talking and picking up sea shells.

Nights spent dining and listening to live music under the stars. The Reggae band was the best!!

I like to run away sometimes.

It only takes a couple of days with a dear friend in the sunshine to rejuvenate in a very busy life.

I hope my girls each have their own special place or girlfriends to run to someday ... everyone needs a beach getaway.