A Wedding

Love perseveres. I heard this today from the minister as my friend Stephanie stood at the alter with her betrothed, Luke, after 10-1/2 years of dating.

Ten and a half years ago, in the era of Dawn, Dawn, and Steph with our babies 1,2,3,4,5, and 6 years old, the three of us were out when Steph met Luke. He is 10 years younger than Steph and she patiently waited and truly persevered through his growing up.

"The brides side, please" I state as I take my seat to watch this wedding that is finally happening.

I'm not fond of weddings. I'm just going to put that out there.

But, I am happy to be at this one.

The minister asks everyone to rise [the wedding march begins] and I see Stephanie walking in the sunshine truly looking beautiful and beaming for this day she has desperately wanted for so many years.

I'm holding my breath to not cry, happy her magical day has finally come and it is perfectly her. Every detail.

She desperately loves Luke. Loves him so much she endured him not being what he should be for all those years. She persevered because she loves him.

She says her vows, her promise of forever. God and I know she will try.

I can't imagine any more being able to love one person so much that I will ever experience my own wedding day.

I am broken. I am either not capable or my time has passed.

I have taken a dating detox sabbatical for the last five months. If I do things differently, what will change in my life?  A quest I am testing.

So far really good behavior is not paying off.

My morals have been strong. A multi millionaire 100x over is in hot pursuit for a "relationship." My gosh how my life could be significantly different if money satisfied my soul. Don't think I didn't entertain money over morals. He boldly asks, I say no. He asks if I am surprised that he asked? My answer again is a simple "no." Did I know his professional approach was going to turn in this direction, yes. I saw it coming.

I want my soul to sing. I don't want endless money as a price to tolerate a shallow person when I loathe shopping anyway.

I'm holding my breath. I can't even smile at Stephanie as her happy gaze lingers across her guests. If I smile, the tears will come.

How lucky she is to be so happy in love on her wedding day. To say vows to the one she knows so well, loves so much, that she promises forever.

A wedding, the one she has dreamed of for 10-1/2 years. Congratulations Stephanie & Luke.

Steph, your love and perseverance has paid off.

I hope I get my own wedding day, someday.

Roadtrip to Indiana

Almost 2-1/2 years since Keith died, Brooke is wanting to go to her dad's grave.

I will start by saying, I am so glad that milestone trip is behind us. I don't like Indiana. I don't enjoy the six hour drive to her dad's home town. I don't want to spend a weekend, where there already isn't enough time in the day to do everything I need to do and accomplish to spend two full days to visit a grave.

But, this isn't about me.

The sun was shining we played our favorite music on the iPod and sang most of the way there. Shopped, cha-ching. Went to a new restaurant, always fun. Loved the huge jacuzzi in our hotel room, a wonderful way to wake up in the morning.

Then faced what we came for. We took a happy birthday balloon, a letter Brooke wrote to her daddy and a picture that we taped to his grave, and she lit a cupcake to recognize what would have been his 51st birthday.

"May I have some alone time?"  Brooke asked and she sat on the ground while I walked away. My heart broke for my little girl sitting at her daddy's grave crying.

Moments continue to happen that I am not prepared for. Moments that don't seem real even as they are happening.

She fell asleep crying in the car we began our trip back home in silence.

I was relieved when she woke up happy. The grief, tears, and sadness slept off.

In Brooke's transition with her new hair style and needing new clothes she asked if we could go shopping again on the way home. We hit the jackpot at a shopping outlet.

Why not? 

My daughter is changing from a little girl to a young woman. She wanted to shed the hairstyle she has had since she was little and wants a new wardrobe to match her new teen style.

Sometimes in life we need a fresh and new start.

After 2 years we faced the dreaded visit to her daddy's grave and now it's behind us. I believe it was a very necessary step in Brooke's healing process and in typical this-mom fashion, we made the most of the roadtrip to Indiana.

Tax Season Blues

I am a "the beginning of February" tax filer. $how me the money!

Not this year.  This tax season started off the 1st of April writing a note to my accountant apologizing for procrastinating; however, I owe much this year (for the first time ever) and now I will be late filing. So please add the late filing fee to my mucho grande tax total that I will owe. I'm estimating $3-4K.

You see in 2012 I made a couple big decisions to have tax withheld on a few pretty substantial things.

In 2012, my thoughts were I will pay when I am working again.

Well, it's time to pay.

My account leaves a message for me to call him.  I'm in Indiana taking Brooke to her dad's grave. While it's already not a great weekend, let's just get the pain out of the way. 

"What do I owe?"

"The government owe's me?!"  He happily explains my taxes were looking pretty grim until he added everything up from my claims, to tax write-offs, to donations/contributions.

I would like my tax return e-filed so the government pays me a quickly as possible. :)

Thank you, Jesus!

Talk about being blessed and protected. This girl is covered in grace!

An Amazing Advocate

Even as I feel this perfect storm is ending, we still have an occassional shower.

A tough morning happens and in a mommy's promise to make something happen another trip to the ER is needed. 

I find comfort in Brooke's behavior is trauma related. Her actions are one of a little girl who has opened pandora's box of her daddy's suicide and two years later is asking questions and believes there has to be more to the reason he chose this way out. She needs to find logic and is learning a very hard lesson that sometimes life doesn't give us answers. Sometimes there is no logic.

She wants closure.

Last night we went online and found a nice hotel.  My musts:  A quality hotel, white comforters (even though it won't be used, the dark multi-colored ones just feel extra, extra dirty), a convenient breakfast buffet, an indoor pool and jacuzzi.

I also found a room with a jacuzzi. Bonus points.

A trip to Indiana this morning to see her daddy's grave isn't on the best things to do list, so I need to make everything else about this weekend fun.

Tomorrow would have been her dad's 51st birthday. She wants to take roses and we will let off balloons with notes attached. Sending messages to heaven, at least in her heart.

I know my daughters behavior is trauma related, but it is comforting to have the best of every specialist I can find confirm that.

Our counselor stays in constant contact by phone, text, and who doesn't watch the clock during one-hour sessions, shakes her head and repeatedly says that I am an amazing advocate for my daughter.

I continue to pull every team and person imaginable into our situation to get my daughter every ounce of help that is out there.

I push ahead and make others respond and bend to helping her.

I have brainstormed, jumped over every obstacle, and pursued what is our next step.

I am my child's advocate.

My daughters mind and health does not have a cost. I am willing to drown in financial fee's, but God hasn't allowed that to happen.

Another bill came yesterday. One service totalled $8200 and we have no medical insurance. Everything is self pay. What do I owe?  Nothing. We were approved for 100% charity.

I work full-time without benefits and bring in too much for assistance. Charity?  I didn't know it existed! Who am I to question grace and mercy? Over $12,000 in costs I have initiated in the last 50 days have been wrote off. Completely unexpected. Unbelievably grateful.

I am so thankful for the silver linings in this storm that as I advocate for my daughter the financial burden won't drown me.

You see, it is me that has an amazing advocate. A very loving and protecting God who has shown me time and again during this perfect storm that He is here and this storm will not consume me.

I Graduated

After 4-1/2 years of one course at a time, I finally graduated.

My last course ended several weeks ago in the midst of March and I'm watching the mail daily for my diploma to arrive, though I walk the end of June.

Four and a half years becomes a hard habit to break and I still feel as if I have an assignment due.

Nope!  All I have now is guilt-free time to read for pleasure.

Today I was in our church library and when asked if I could be helped ... "Yes, I do need some assistance. Do you have any books by the author Michelle McKinney Hammond?"

Tonight I can't wait to climb in bed with my book.

To read for guilty pleasure. Guilt-free. To stretch and grow my mind in a different kind of way.

The Right Time to Die

In my logical mind, I know that God already knows the number of our days before we were conceived. The day we will be born and the day we will die.

In my emotional mind, in the face of death the world feels as if everything is out of control and God is desperately sought and pleaded with to make sense of a tragedy, which is pretty much anything in my mind beyond natural old age.

Grief. Loss. Both of my daughters dads.

How do I comfort my daughter who's dad committed suicide that God knew. The date was written, God is still in control.

How do I comfort my daughter who's dad is dying of ALS Lou Gehrig's that the disease didn't happen by accident. God knows.

I needed reminded.

I'm reading the book I'd Rather Be Laughing, when a chapter catches my attention titled, The Right Time to Die.  Marilyn Meberg writes:

I'd like to discuss a couple of other issues with death. One of them is the idea of premature death. Because Ken was fifty when he died. I have often thought and even said his death was premature. Actually, as you probably already know, that this is an unbiblical concept. There is no such thing as premature death. Job 14:5 states "Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and set limits he cannot exceed."

And Psalms 139:16 says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." 

I find that realization comforting. In fact, it could be a cheer-up thought. To recognize God's sovereign determining of the number of days each of us is to have on earth relieves me of nagging questions like, "If I had just done this, eaten that, stayed home, not stayed home ..."

This is not some kind of Christian fatalism in which we assume it doesn't matter if we take health and safety precautions.  On the contrary, Scripture says our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit, and we must respect them as well as do our part in preserving them.  But tension is released in me as I remember that the number of my days is in His hands and not mine.

Based on Scripture, then, I can say that God did not intend for Ken to stay on earth one day longer than he did.  Based on Scripture, he did not die prematurely. He was ushered into God's presences at exactly the time God had chosen for him.

I've captured this reminder for me with my girls, when I need logic to override emotion as Eric's death is close.

I've captured this for my girls, for when the date of my own earthly departure happens, to remind them all of my days were ordained for me before I came to be. 

Premature death is an earthly concept. A concept very difficult to remember when emotions are raw.

God is Distant, It's Time To Get Out of the Waiting Room!

I woke up this morning so refreshed and realized it was the first night in well over a month that I have slept through the night.

Not once did I wake up, let alone my typical 5-6 times.

Normal to many. A pleasant and welcomed success to me. Refreshed.

I'm still sitting still and God feels very distant. I pray, but I feel like my lifeline has been severed. There is a familiar comfort with this pattern in my life. In the midst of turmoil, I feel God is in my presence at all times. What I've learned through life lessons and experience is He is my Comforter in times of need and trouble. I've learned to sit still and plug into God when the storms rage.

As the storm calms, God always feels distant. I pray, but I cannot find him. I used to feel panic and did not understand, but I've learned that the worst part of the storm is over and while I have learned to be comfortable setting still, it's a sign it's time to get out of the waiting room.

I think I have figured this dynamic out and I cannot wait someday to have this conversation with my holy God.

God feels a million miles away and as I call him, I cannot find him. I know He is there, but I am familiar with the gentle nudging that I'm out of harms way.

Storms are scary and highly uncomfortable. A perfect storm shakes the earth beneath me and will test my endurance and my patience. I often believe it is meant to test my faith, but what it always does is it secures it. It sharpens it. It rejuvenates it. It takes me to the very place where I am in constant and direct connection with God.

After my storms, I am stronger.

What is meant to hurt me, strengthens me. What is meant to take me out mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and financially is simply an opportunity for God to show His power and protection in many silver lining ways.

God is distant, it's time for me to get out of the waiting room!

Feng Shui

My last service at the spa was a pedicure to welcome spring and sandal season.

I confess, I don't readily bond with salon chatty personalities. I don't care for idle conversation, I prefer to enjoy a service in polite silence; however, the woman that performed my pedicure and I bonded on a mutual level quickly.

Casual conversation put it out there, I have two teenage daughters 13 and 17 and I know that she has a boyfriend of one year and he has a 14 year old daughter. We agreed that the early teen years are rough.

We also spoke about feng shui and colors. I shared the colors of my home, that my walls are chocolate brown, my fireplace accent wall is red and my decor accent color is bone.

Honestly, I don't remember how it happened, but she was looking down in the pedicure process, lifted her head up and said, "I know this is going to seem weird and I don't know why I feel like I have to say this, but you need to change the color of your red wall in your living room."

Okay, that was odd and random.

She explained that red can be felt as restless and anger. That I need to change the color of the wall for Brooke's feng shui and that I should let Brooke help me in this project.

I have little to no knowledge of feng shui so I did a little research. What I learned was there are five elements of feng shui:  Fire, earth, metal, water, and wood. 

I am the fire element, red. Red color is the strongest feng shui color representation of the fire feng shui element. The fire element is passion and high energy.

To those who are not of the fire element, it can bring restlessness, bursts of anger and over stimulation.

The look on her face and the lack of her own understanding as the woman said "I don't know why I feel like I have to say this ..." was intervention by someone and I have a deep level of respect for genuine and authentic intervention that makes no sense.

The message was communicated and I understand.

The red color of my fireplace accent wall will be changed this weekend to a calmer, happier feng shui color.

Brooke is excited to help me in this project.

80 Minute Four Hand Massage

I haven't had any time off from my girls since before Christmas.

Beg. Borrow. Steal.

Time.

My only escape was to take a day off work, unpaid, and slip away while my girls were at school  As soon as they left, I jumped in my car and drove 2 hours away to a beautiful day spa I had already done a walk-thru on. I'm willing to pay, but it has to be top of the line.

I love being in the best of the best resort spa and day spa's. I am eternally grateful for customer service excellence, I appreciate every well thought out detail to make their spa a heavenly retreat, and I applaud stellar, competent, and unique technique from each individual that provides a service.

"I will take a Mimosa, please." My spa day begins slipping into this tranquil tub.

The are magical feminine healing powers in tying up my hair, letting the most plush robe I have ever had on slip off as I eased into a liquid cocoon.
After soaking in bath oils with a Mimosa in hand I lost myself in an 80-minute Four-Handed Massage (that's right, 2 people/4 hands massaging for 80 minutes. Absolutely the BEST massage in my life!). Sara, the female had amazing technique. Pure success in my mind as I love new experiences. Michael, the male was early 20's and the size of a bear with bear-size, strong hands. The two together for 80 minutes was a dynamic duo.  My bows & congrats. Well done!

Last but not least, a pedicure to welcome spring/sandal season.

Ahhhh ... Spa-la-la a much needed day away.

The March From H---

This month as been nothing short of an absolute nightmare.

I have dealt with two trips to ER for suicide ideation, wrestled a knife out of my child's hand, learned adult friends have been made on XBOX live and kept secret from me, worked with the police, sat through an FBI interview, endless therapist appointments, learned of severe separation anxiety, dealt with theft, anger, depression, a presence, my child in a 7-day intensive therapy program, the flu twice, safety proofed my home, insomnia, and last but not least, because that couldn't be enough, let's add head lice.

Head lice. My 1st experience ever with this. Yes, on the outside I was calm, soft spoken, and reassuring through the washing/combing process of my child's hair. On the inside, I was running around with my hair on fire in panic begging God to calm my spirit because I was about to freak out and climb out of my skin!

That is the high level, tip of the iceberg overview.

Many details fall beneath this ugly surface in addition to senseless other situations from a car breaking down, torn contacts, to the pieces of a treasured relationship smashed to hell even further, my girls struggling in their relationship and so on.

All this in one month.

No help. At all. While maintaining a new job. The hours I don't work, I don't get paid. No health insurance and the medical costs are adding up so fast, I no longer cared.

Goodbye March. This perfect storm tried to consume me ... it didn't work.

Headaches. Chest pain. Eye twitching. The results of my stress.

In the midst of life in turmoil, blessings came.

I knew the storm would pass, but each day brought it's own new element and their weight combined together was beyond uncomfortable.

The storm has died down after 30 days and 30 nights.

The storm was big, but my God is bigger.

Spring is ready to break through this extra long winter and sunshine always follows a storm.

Sunshine, I welcome you and your much needed vitamin D!