My Blog into a Book ... For My Girls

When Brooke's dad died six years ago, I worried if anything happened to me, they may forget the little details of our lives, so I began this blog.

I laugh when I remember so vividly wondering, will I have enough to say and write about?

Life provides countless memories and endless stories. It captures funny moments, falling in love, broken hearts, friendship, family, tragedy and triumph.

After six years, I've often feared, what if something happened to this blog site? What if it goes down and I lose all these memories? So for Christmas, I turned this blog into a book ... for my girls.

It took days. I'm guessing about seven hours of cleaning up spacing and reducing photo sizes condensing their books into the final 762 pages!!

I learned that Mariah follows my blog almost daily. I had no idea.

I learned Brooke was curious about my blog, but never knew the website.

Brooke shared with me yesterday there were so many things she didn't remember. So many things that she didn't know. I knew that. She was a little girl, just turning 11 when her dad passed. That is why I captured her memories. So one day, now she is older, she knows I did everything in my mommy powers to cover and protect her.

This blog is for my girls. It is our lives raw and real. It is me as a mom, but me as a woman as well.

I don't want them ever to forget and to always knows I love them and did my very best.

Glam-ma!

I am going to be a grandma, thank you God!

These words are so wonderful to say and it was a terribly hard secret to keep until Christmas Day.

My Mariah is 8-weeks pregnant. My grandbaby (so surreal) is developing and it has been a joy going to their first doctors appointment, seeing her nauseous (only because it is such a symptom of being pregnant), her being exhausted, and eating like crazy because she never feels full.

Oh, the joys of pregnancy!

I loved being pregnant. Watching my daughter experience this new season in life is a whole new season in life for me, too. And, I am so ready.

Some grandmas are wrinkled and clad in polyester, I still have no wrinkles or crows feet and still live for adventure.

This Grandma is a Glam-ma and I fully intend to take what can seem as a being a grandma as ordinary to extraordinary!

Due Date:  August 7, 2017

A Time of Reflection

It's Christmas Eve and I get to do devotions to everyone who walks through our doors hungry. I get to tell them about Jesus birth, the very reason the world is about to celebrate Christmas Day. This is a moment that lasts between 5-10 minutes and I send prayers up to God I convey what He wants these hearts to hear.

It all goes by so fast. Hopes and dreams and preparation and voila it's Christmas Eve morning.

Excitement is in the air and all the final touches are about to unfold in family, food, and celebration.

Ahhhhh ... the end of 2016. Goodbye, farewell, so glad you are almost completely over.

Keeping my eyes on my blessings, I think of my daughter's beautiful wedding and the gift of seeing her life happy and so in love with her husband and me, blessed with a son-in-law.

I look across my home and I see a beautiful new living room set that I waited far too many years to get. New carpet that refresh's my home and the gift of a new bathroom that complements the rest of my house.

In the beginning of winter and snow, I am so grateful for my Jeep Grand Cherokee that makes it like a champ up my driveway. And, for that automatic start button that warms is a most wonderful touch.

Mariah's marriage opened more space in my home and I am loving my new office/prayer room that has afforded me space to work from home one day a week.

This home was bought as a temporary transition over 13 years ago. Every year I have believed it wouldn't be much longer. Transformed, room by room, and much labor in my yard that blooms so beautifully each summer, this home has transformed into a perfect reflection of me. Comfortable and perfect, I decided to stay and refinance.

Saving a small fortune each month, I am excited to begin a remodel of my kitchen and dining room.

Sweet little Maximus, the new furry little addition to our family and home. Happy, playful, with the sweetest little disposition, Max is an absolute purr box!

Finn has a whole new purpose now, to watch over Max. It took a bit of adjusting, but he has taken a paternal role with him and he isn't as lonely throughout the day. He has definitely stayed off of Piggy, his stuff animal he used to spend all day on!

This next year Brooke also turns 18, I am on the homestretch.

New favorite places, a new hobby that occupies my time and my eyes set on goals I have let go of far too long. I am welcoming 2017 with open arms, hopes and dreams.

A grand production is about to begin, Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

New Bathroom Reveal

My new fixtures in and put up, my mom and dad home for Christmas, all my family came over for the reveal of my beautiful new Christmas bathroom!

Ohhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh!

I call it my Christmas bathroom because it is my gift from Jeremy & Mariah and my mom and dad.

So beautiful and so perfect, I find myself standing in the doorway several times a day in awe at the pieces parts, colors and themes that pulled together far better than I originally imagined.

6 Years Post Suicide

Six years later I am still dealing with the aftermath of my daughters dad's suicide before Christmas.

I say that because the aftermath does indeed linger for those who were directly affected by such a selfish act during a bad season of life for him that has become lifelong hurt for everyone else.

Truly, I am grateful it is six years later on this awful suicide anniversary date.

This is the first year I am fine and grief doesn't wear on me like a heavy blanket. I acknowledge this date and am on stand-by for Brooke should she need me, it's been on the back of my mind keeping an eye on her as this date is filled with tragic memories.

Keith actually died on December 17th, but his body was found on the 19th so the Health Department has his death date the 19th. I recognize it the 17th.

Brooke and I went for a delicious dinner at a new restaurant we have never been to, then as the Christmas music filled the car, we drove looking at Christmas lights. I always do little things in celebration without saying why, so if/when they ask, I can say this is how we did something special that day.

I look back over the last six years filled with pain for our daughter and every little detail I've had to endure because of him and all I see is a scar. The wound is healed, the pain has passed, but I see a scar that said a deep wound happened, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

Time heals.

Alex took today off work to spend the day with Brooke to make it special. She is excited for today. A day with him because the thoughtful act does make her feel special.

We've made it through another December 19th.

Time with my Son-in-Law

I have truly been blessed with the most amazing son-in-law. His faith, character and integrity as a man and as a husband to my daughter far surpasses them all.

For my Christmas gift, Jeremy completely remodeled my bathroom. I've had the awesome gift of time spent with him over the last couple of weeks as he made every detail perfect and we spend evenings having dinners together and visiting with them both.

Calm and patient, Jeremy is steadfast and secure with a rock solid foundation. Truly, God first, his faith defines him. It is all the difference.

As a husband to my daughter, he is everything he is supposed to be sprinkled with unbelievable patience and love. I admire his character and love and respect our relationship as son-in-law and mother-in-law.

My daughter is truly blessed beyond measure.

A Daughters Admiration

"I was talking about you today," Brooke shared.

She told me her co-worker was telling her how she wished her mom felt beautiful, when Brooke said, "I think my mom knows she is beautiful, but I don't think she realizes how beautiful everyone else thinks she is."

How thoughtful, I thanked her.

Then she thanked me for taking care of myself and always putting myself together. She appreciates that I am not a fat and frumpy mom like the other kids moms in high school.

It is nice to hear.

Total Transformations

There are a few total transformations happening I am so excited about!

The first is the main bathroom in my house which was dated when I bought my home 13 years ago and the only room that hasn't been gutted, until now.

It started off as a Christmas gift request. I asked my son-in-law, Jeremy, if he would put in a new floor in my bathroom as my Christmas gift. He happily agreed and when he came to look at the project, he recommended we rip out the dated vanity and tile off the walls.

Yes, tile on the wall. It is awful and I've hated it all these years.

Jeremy's recommendation with the nice floor I am putting in is to do it right. The walls came down, everything ripped out and thus begins the total transformation.

The ceiling refinished, the walls made beautifully smooth, the flooring absolutely perfect, a new vanity, and then he asks a question I didn't know how to answer ... "Do you want the old woodwork put up or use the off white baseboards your dad gave me to use?

I was caught between I don't like the old woodwork, but it matches the rest of the house. Not sure if the off white will look okay. I defer to my talented son-in-love. He picked up new woodwork and brought over several choices of stain color. We changed it all together.

The new woodwork he chose, the color I chose, and the different way he put it up is absolutely PERFECT! Who knew woodwork could change the entire look and complete a room so well!

It's time. Those old miscellaneous mismatch towels used all these years, will be trashed. Fluffy, new towels that match will finish off and complement the new look.

The second is something entirely new to me as of days ago I've been entertaining for a while, a new interest for me I am shifting my focus on. More to come of that!

A Break in the Clouds

Finally, a break in the clouds.

A deer was hit by an oncoming truck and literally flew in the air and into my Jeep. Some things in life are extra strange and I do call a buck air born flying at me strange! Five weeks later ... I just picked up my Jeep yesterday. So grateful to have it back.

Holidays in a rescue mission is pure madness. Everything falls into my office, from all of Ohio wanting to volunteer feeding the homeless during the holidays, the missions gala which is the largest fundraiser of the year adding another production between Thanksgiving and Christmas, massive food donations, increased clothing donations, working holidays and making these special, and weather turning into winter brings its own laundry list of needs for the population I work with. Cold weather brings in rodents and the mission became infested (30 mice caught in just one day unraveled me) with mice, we always battle bed begs and theft. Fed up I asked for tons of mouse traps and I went to the Humane Society and found the perfect cat for the mission, The Great Catsby. He is a mouser and friendly. Holidays also add high emotions in the mission and bad attitudes which is all day wear and tear. Add pulling off Thanksgiving at home and Christmas shopping, I find myself tapping into little things to bring me a sense of Christmas spirit and balance.

Max is adjusting to his new home with us, Finn isn't attacking him as much and I have lot of photo frames knocked over due to eight little paws that now race through my home. Having two cats is far different than the calmness of one. 

Balancing finances for Christmas is always a stretch, I closed on refinancing my home yesterday at a lower interest rate brings much relief. 

A break in the clouds.

I find myself regaining balance in little things from turning on the Hallmark channel for Christmas movies, Christmas music in the car, having special treats in the house, cleaning my house, reading my books and lots of conversations with God.

I go non-stop multi-tasking all day, every day working endlessly to make everyone's world easy at the cost of excessive weight of responsibility on my shoulders from other peoples issues with no end in sight.

What is unnecessary stress in my life and what life stresses do I need to push through? 

I am reassessing and shifting and I see bright blue skies!