I had an epiphany this week in regards to my relationship with Bobby.
While watching a romantic comedy with Brooke a scene played where a boy stood at the alter with his lifelong love. Standing in place of the groom during the rehearsal, when he had to make up the grooms vows. Words that really came from his heart.
Words of love that came from him that should have been the grooms own words. Words that hit a direct target in the heart of the bride-to-be and the realization washed over her who really loved her most ... not her betrothed, but her best friend.
It was a wonderfully romantic scene and in that moment, I had an epiphany.
I felt a moment of revelation and insight into my relationship with Bobby that left me feeling free, empowered, and ready to move on in life without him.
I'm cured!
Besides the fact that he has been a rock in my life for the last 5 years, besides the fact that I admire him as a most amazing man, besides the fact that I respect him above all others ... he and I butt heads like crazy!
We feely snap at one another and take unspoken time outs for weeks and sometimes months at a time. We both have strong personalities and besides all the wonderful feelings of undeniable chemistry, genuine friendship, and caring, we feel comfortable aggravating each other knowing there won't be long-term effects.
This week I was aggravated with him and my epiphany put me over the moon. I felt suddenly better and free in my own heart that often betrays me when it comes to him.
Everything is great.
I feel freeeeeeeeeeeee.
I am driving downtown today in my car going through an intersection, when I see a dark SUV coming at me from my left at the very same time! My mind starts to panic and I quickly glance at the light to make sure I had the green light and I did when I see the goofball in the SUV coming at me waving to me.
It was my goofball. In an undercover vehicle.
Aggravation instantly dissolved.
Knowing it was him shattered my newfound and embraced epiphany into a million pieces.
Tonight we talked. Not a thing has changed in our world.
Other than I nagged and insisted that he needs to go to the doctor.
I love that I love him in a way that just won't dissolve.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Touched By An Angel
I found out yesterday that my grandmother had been in the hospital this past week and I called her.
After bringing me up-to-speed with her condition, Grandma said, "I saw an angel."
She had my undivided attention!
She told me how she was sleeping and felt a touch on her shoulder. When she opened her eyes a very tall, beautiful woman, an angel was standing next to her with giant bright white wings.
My mind raced with a million questions. She said it only lasted a matter of seconds, but her wings were so large and bright. I asked her when this happened, she said Friday.
For the record, my grandmother is not crazy. Her behavior has been colorful by choice in the past, but her mind is super sharp. She told the nurses and they assured her either she was close to death or she was going to be fine. My grandmother is fine now, after a week of dehydration and severe flu symptoms and she gets to go home today.
I had chills when she was sharing her story, for reasons beyond her sharing she was touched by an angel.
Let me back up a bit ... Friday I was driving to the store and I felt a moment of feeling really unsettled. I said a quick prayer of safety for my girls, my home, my mom & dad on their vacation, and for my grandmother, "she is alone, put your angels with her, and keep her safe."
It's one thing to pray for supernatural safety in blind faith, it's another to realize your specific prayer may have become a manifestation. There is a whole new awareness with that, an understanding of the power of prayer at a deeper level.
I wonder if she was close to death and the angel was already there.
I wonder if her end of time on earth is near.
I wonder if it was the 6th sense of a granddaughter that sensed her grandmother needed a prayer states away.
After bringing me up-to-speed with her condition, Grandma said, "I saw an angel."
She had my undivided attention!
She told me how she was sleeping and felt a touch on her shoulder. When she opened her eyes a very tall, beautiful woman, an angel was standing next to her with giant bright white wings.
My mind raced with a million questions. She said it only lasted a matter of seconds, but her wings were so large and bright. I asked her when this happened, she said Friday.
For the record, my grandmother is not crazy. Her behavior has been colorful by choice in the past, but her mind is super sharp. She told the nurses and they assured her either she was close to death or she was going to be fine. My grandmother is fine now, after a week of dehydration and severe flu symptoms and she gets to go home today.
I had chills when she was sharing her story, for reasons beyond her sharing she was touched by an angel.
Let me back up a bit ... Friday I was driving to the store and I felt a moment of feeling really unsettled. I said a quick prayer of safety for my girls, my home, my mom & dad on their vacation, and for my grandmother, "she is alone, put your angels with her, and keep her safe."
It's one thing to pray for supernatural safety in blind faith, it's another to realize your specific prayer may have become a manifestation. There is a whole new awareness with that, an understanding of the power of prayer at a deeper level.
I wonder if she was close to death and the angel was already there.
I wonder if her end of time on earth is near.
I wonder if it was the 6th sense of a granddaughter that sensed her grandmother needed a prayer states away.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A Gazelle
The universe is active, guys are in hot pursuit.
A funny conversation with a too hot for his own good, dangerously sexy player, says to me that he is a lion and I am his prey. Okay, I'm smiling and I'm going to play. I'm about to text him that I cannot be caught because I am a gazelle, except I'm not 100% how to spell gazelle. Is it with an a, e or i?
A quick Google search brings up a couple of links verifying the spelling, but it is the Urban Dictionary link that catches my attention:
Oh my gosh, I am a gazelle.
This explains my panic with my 30 year old friend who wants to be a part of my life.
I was being coy with the player today, refusing to easily give into his tempting pursuit. I didn't realize that the very animal known for running at high speeds to out run its predator has also been labeled as one of us who run from permanency in relationships.
A gazelle is a softer term then being called a black widow though, which was the term I used to hear a lot 10 years ago.
Neither are terms I'm happy with. I wish I had the gene in me that made me happy and content to simply settle and be happy with someone.
You would think the older you get one would want to settle down, but it's actually the opposite. The older I get the less I could imagine anyone trespassing on my freedom.
This is making my heart sad tonight.
Maybe, someday, there will be one who is completely available and we will both want forever together. I'm really hoping.
A funny conversation with a too hot for his own good, dangerously sexy player, says to me that he is a lion and I am his prey. Okay, I'm smiling and I'm going to play. I'm about to text him that I cannot be caught because I am a gazelle, except I'm not 100% how to spell gazelle. Is it with an a, e or i?
A quick Google search brings up a couple of links verifying the spelling, but it is the Urban Dictionary link that catches my attention:
Oh my gosh, I am a gazelle.
This explains my panic with my 30 year old friend who wants to be a part of my life.
I was being coy with the player today, refusing to easily give into his tempting pursuit. I didn't realize that the very animal known for running at high speeds to out run its predator has also been labeled as one of us who run from permanency in relationships.
A gazelle is a softer term then being called a black widow though, which was the term I used to hear a lot 10 years ago.
Neither are terms I'm happy with. I wish I had the gene in me that made me happy and content to simply settle and be happy with someone.
You would think the older you get one would want to settle down, but it's actually the opposite. The older I get the less I could imagine anyone trespassing on my freedom.
This is making my heart sad tonight.
Maybe, someday, there will be one who is completely available and we will both want forever together. I'm really hoping.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Daily Details In a Window Front View
Imagine ... sharing a NYC chic office space with a best girlfriend, desks facing each other right next to GIANT windows overlooking downtown. The perfect office. The very best view. A best girlfriend. Work and girlfriend time combined.
Welcome to my world.
It was Christin that called me last autumn asking if I was ready to work again. There was a new position with a rapidly growing company that my career experience had prepared me for. She planted the seed and the executive team was excited to meet me before I interviewed and here I am.
Every day facing a best friend in a stunning office, working while sharing details of our lives with each other. You know, the stuff girls talk about. Purging our minds, our thoughts, and feelings over every subject, no topic off limits.
It's been an exhausting week. Giving 110% mentally to my new role with unlimited opportunities. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. Business travel. It's Friday night and I am completely spent.
I can't help but think how blessed I am.
Challenged. Stimulated. Career girl.
It's the daily details in a window front view with a best friend that makes everything perfect.
Welcome to my world.
It was Christin that called me last autumn asking if I was ready to work again. There was a new position with a rapidly growing company that my career experience had prepared me for. She planted the seed and the executive team was excited to meet me before I interviewed and here I am.
Every day facing a best friend in a stunning office, working while sharing details of our lives with each other. You know, the stuff girls talk about. Purging our minds, our thoughts, and feelings over every subject, no topic off limits.
It's been an exhausting week. Giving 110% mentally to my new role with unlimited opportunities. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. Business travel. It's Friday night and I am completely spent.
I can't help but think how blessed I am.
Challenged. Stimulated. Career girl.
It's the daily details in a window front view with a best friend that makes everything perfect.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Unbribable
Brooke is unbribable.
Grandma used to pay her $1 up to a couple of dollars to taste a new food when she was little. It worked after much begging and financial bargaining, but Brooke soon realized that Grandma would pay a good amount for her to simply try a new food. She is a hardcore negotiator.
That wasn't the way I was raised.
Now that Brooke has her own income from social security, you cannot pay her $20 - $50 to try a new food. She doesn't care about your money, she has her own. "No thanks, I don't need your money." Poor Mariah would eat dog food for $5 I'm betting.
Tonight, when we went out for dinner I asked Brooke to please take a bite and try steamed broccali.
"What will you give me?" Here we go.
"What do you want?" I put the ball in her court.
She wanted a free day off school. No, she just had one she won in a bargain.
We sat their for 5 minutes brainstorming what would be a fair award in Brooke's mind worthy enough of tasting the broccali. The broccali is getting cold by the minute.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass. No, she doesn't mind doing chores.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass when her and Mariah have a running list of chores. No, she would feel bad Mariah doing the work by herself.
There was nothing left ot bargain with, but my trump card ... the get out of church free pass ... but that will be offered and dangled like a golden carrot for the ultimate bribe under my terms and conditions.
We simply could not come up with anything tempting to her, so she just ate the broccali on the grounds that when we do come up with a good reward, she has already ate the price.
Unbribable. Spoiled. Brat.
Grandma used to pay her $1 up to a couple of dollars to taste a new food when she was little. It worked after much begging and financial bargaining, but Brooke soon realized that Grandma would pay a good amount for her to simply try a new food. She is a hardcore negotiator.
That wasn't the way I was raised.
Now that Brooke has her own income from social security, you cannot pay her $20 - $50 to try a new food. She doesn't care about your money, she has her own. "No thanks, I don't need your money." Poor Mariah would eat dog food for $5 I'm betting.
Tonight, when we went out for dinner I asked Brooke to please take a bite and try steamed broccali.
"What will you give me?" Here we go.
"What do you want?" I put the ball in her court.
She wanted a free day off school. No, she just had one she won in a bargain.
We sat their for 5 minutes brainstorming what would be a fair award in Brooke's mind worthy enough of tasting the broccali. The broccali is getting cold by the minute.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass. No, she doesn't mind doing chores.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass when her and Mariah have a running list of chores. No, she would feel bad Mariah doing the work by herself.
There was nothing left ot bargain with, but my trump card ... the get out of church free pass ... but that will be offered and dangled like a golden carrot for the ultimate bribe under my terms and conditions.
We simply could not come up with anything tempting to her, so she just ate the broccali on the grounds that when we do come up with a good reward, she has already ate the price.
Unbribable. Spoiled. Brat.
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Moment of Feeling Complete
In this life I have chased after sensationalism, fun, passion, romance, thrill, adrenaline, and every other adjective that makes me happy and feel alive.
I am guilty of loving adventure, creating OMGosh moments, and running on exhaustion in the name of fun and entertainment. I have a million memories that make me smile and I'm betting I win a prize at the end of my life for living a life thoroughly enjoyed and well lived.
Still, the moment of feeling complete is the most *magical* of them all.
When the one I love so much pulls me into his arms and kisses me, I desperately want time to stop and the world to slip away. It's him.
His voice. His scent. The one I love.
My heart heals and feels complete just being in his presence. From empty to full at the sound of his voice. I couldn't stay, I had to get back to work ... he was already in my head the moment his voice, arms, and lips pulled me in. He said it and knew it.
God knew exactly what He was doing when he said, "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
The moment of feeling complete.
Nothing compares to it.
I am guilty of loving adventure, creating OMGosh moments, and running on exhaustion in the name of fun and entertainment. I have a million memories that make me smile and I'm betting I win a prize at the end of my life for living a life thoroughly enjoyed and well lived.
Still, the moment of feeling complete is the most *magical* of them all.
When the one I love so much pulls me into his arms and kisses me, I desperately want time to stop and the world to slip away. It's him.
His voice. His scent. The one I love.
My heart heals and feels complete just being in his presence. From empty to full at the sound of his voice. I couldn't stay, I had to get back to work ... he was already in my head the moment his voice, arms, and lips pulled me in. He said it and knew it.
God knew exactly what He was doing when he said, "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
The moment of feeling complete.
Nothing compares to it.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Certain Conversations
After Keith's death, I couldn't talk about him or the situation for three months without crying. It was a welcome relief the day I was aware that I spoke about him in a normal manner and was okay.
I am in this very place, again.
Lou Gehrig's (ALS) is consuming Eric (my Mariah's dad). It's been a month since my last phone conversation with him that his wife, Kirsten, had to take over and translate. Now when he speaks, I have to walk to him very close and pay close attention to his words.
Lou Gehrig's is ruthless and brutal. Eric's quality of life is gone.
I've had a lot of opportunities to see and chat with him lately and he always has a smile on his face.
Mariah has said he has become very difficult to everyone but her (I know its because he loves her most in life). The disease does that, but every single time I have been there he smiles and happily chats with me.
I'm the ex-wife.
We met when I was 17 years old, he was 19. We went from being teens out of high school, to married, having Mariah, divorced, to learning how through the years to be really good at team parenting.
Nothing is accident and everything has a purpose. He and I together created Mariah who is an exceptional, beyond all others, amazing young woman. She is the very best of her dad and I.
I see him suffering in pain. I see his diaphragm weakening and he struggles to communicate as well as breathe with respiratory failure consuming him.
He always seems pleasantly pleased when I am there, smiles alot, and talks to me. I do my usual best to stay upbeat and happy in his presence, he struggles with laughing and he seems to enjoy my brief visits.
I pray for his peace. I pray that my daughter leaves no words left unsaid.
I'm not sure now how much time is left for him, he made the decision to not go on respiratory support and I respect that.
I'm thankful Eric and I let bygones be bygones. Though Mariah knows we team parent together better than anyone else I know, in his last days she knows we are friends.
There are certain conversations that bring tears that are no longer controllable.
At the mention of Eric, I see him in my mind struggling to breathe, in pain, and with a smile on his face. I see the heartache of my daughter and I know shortly what the future will bring and how her heart is going to break in an unconceivable way. I see both of my daughters dad's deaths, both tragic. Both of my daughter's future without their dad's they will both desperately miss and need there.
If you ask me about Eric, know that tears come with my reply.
I am in this very place, again.
Lou Gehrig's (ALS) is consuming Eric (my Mariah's dad). It's been a month since my last phone conversation with him that his wife, Kirsten, had to take over and translate. Now when he speaks, I have to walk to him very close and pay close attention to his words.
Lou Gehrig's is ruthless and brutal. Eric's quality of life is gone.
I've had a lot of opportunities to see and chat with him lately and he always has a smile on his face.
Mariah has said he has become very difficult to everyone but her (I know its because he loves her most in life). The disease does that, but every single time I have been there he smiles and happily chats with me.
I'm the ex-wife.
We met when I was 17 years old, he was 19. We went from being teens out of high school, to married, having Mariah, divorced, to learning how through the years to be really good at team parenting.
Nothing is accident and everything has a purpose. He and I together created Mariah who is an exceptional, beyond all others, amazing young woman. She is the very best of her dad and I.
I see him suffering in pain. I see his diaphragm weakening and he struggles to communicate as well as breathe with respiratory failure consuming him.
He always seems pleasantly pleased when I am there, smiles alot, and talks to me. I do my usual best to stay upbeat and happy in his presence, he struggles with laughing and he seems to enjoy my brief visits.
I pray for his peace. I pray that my daughter leaves no words left unsaid.
I'm not sure now how much time is left for him, he made the decision to not go on respiratory support and I respect that.
I'm thankful Eric and I let bygones be bygones. Though Mariah knows we team parent together better than anyone else I know, in his last days she knows we are friends.
There are certain conversations that bring tears that are no longer controllable.
At the mention of Eric, I see him in my mind struggling to breathe, in pain, and with a smile on his face. I see the heartache of my daughter and I know shortly what the future will bring and how her heart is going to break in an unconceivable way. I see both of my daughters dad's deaths, both tragic. Both of my daughter's future without their dad's they will both desperately miss and need there.
If you ask me about Eric, know that tears come with my reply.
The Coolest Kid Ever
"Good morning, Brookie, how did you sleep, sweetheart?" A familiar morning greeting. Both my girls ask me every morning in their 1st sentence of the day how I slept, because they really want to state how their night sleep went. I'm not sure where they got this? Maybe I used to ask them when they were little and didn't realize it. Now it is part of our daily routine.
Brooke contemplates, "Mom, I'm really jealous of you. You have something I will never have." In my mind, I am embracing this sweet moment and she continues, "I will never have the coolest kid ever."
Why did I allow her first minute of being awake think that she didn't have sharp wits about her?
"Really? Wow, I'm really lucky" is my only reply.
As she walks away triumphantly, she says, "and she's humble, too." [Referring to herself}
Okay, Brooke is awake.
Caffeine, kick in.
Brooke contemplates, "Mom, I'm really jealous of you. You have something I will never have." In my mind, I am embracing this sweet moment and she continues, "I will never have the coolest kid ever."
Why did I allow her first minute of being awake think that she didn't have sharp wits about her?
"Really? Wow, I'm really lucky" is my only reply.
As she walks away triumphantly, she says, "and she's humble, too." [Referring to herself}
Okay, Brooke is awake.
Caffeine, kick in.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Brooke Is Asking Questions
I was pleasantly surprised to hear Brooke wanted to leave the house yesterday. She said its been a while and could we go to Friendly's? It is a place of good memories with her dad.
After Keith's death we were not allowed to drive past or go there, my gosh, it had to be for 6 months.
Brooke is happy and wants to share and talk. She shares with me her and her dad's routine at Friendly's of how they would order their food, put lots of dollars into the machine with the claw that grabs stuffed animals (her dad truly was the champ at that game), then eat ice cream after their meal.
Brooke and I get our booth when she starts asking questions.
What were the last last words I said to him? I remember like it was yesterday.
I shared with her my last conversation with him was on December 5, 2010. That I called him and my very first words to him were, "I am very worried about your extreme weight loss. I'm not sure if you are terminally ill or on drugs, but something is really wrong and I am concerned about Brooke with you ..." I let her know that I told him he could see her whenever he wanted, but no more overnight visits until he & Debbie stopped the drama and I laid down the ground rules. Keith agreed, thought it was best, and thanked me.
It was a good conversation, between friends that share a daughter. I did a lot of praying before the conversation took place and it went better than I could have imagined.
A couple of days later was the last time Brooke saw him alive.
True to his word, he picked her up for a few hours, took her to the animal shelter where they held and played with kittens & dogs, took her for ice cream, and brought her home.
For the first time in many months she had a wonderful time with her daddy and I was relieved to see her come home happy. I shared with Brooke yesterday that I called him and left a voicemail after that visit thanking him for showing you such a nice afternoon, that you had a wonderful time with him.
Brooke says to me, "Please don't start crying." Two years later I still can't talk about this without remembering every vivid detail.
She asked what was found in his body. She wanted to know about the drugs. I was honest and told her what the coroner (whom was a friend of mine that liked me from my Doctors Hostpital days) shared with me. He was a wealth of information and I was able to confirm his supplemental uses. I was also able to ask two million questions about everything from the scene to the autopsy report. He called me a few times to "check" on me.
She asked about the autopsy report and I told her I shredded it. Never would I want her or Mariah to find it by accident and read the details. I had dry heaves after reading it and was very disturbed until it was out of my home the next day and through the shreder.
Brooke said someday she wants to request a copy. Someday, as an adult, that will be her decision, but I don't recommend it.
I made a decision to be 100% honest with her December 19, 2010 between the very moment I told her her dad had died and she asked how ... suicide. Then, how did he do it?
We talk when she is ready to talk.
All little girls want their daddy's to be a hero. The first year after his death, he had a hero status in her conversations ... I let her cling to that. We talk only fondly of his good and fun qualities, but she remembers the drama and the dysfunction. I don't say anything and she lets me know in her way and her time she remembers.
She hasn't forgotten anything.
After Keith's death we were not allowed to drive past or go there, my gosh, it had to be for 6 months.
Brooke is happy and wants to share and talk. She shares with me her and her dad's routine at Friendly's of how they would order their food, put lots of dollars into the machine with the claw that grabs stuffed animals (her dad truly was the champ at that game), then eat ice cream after their meal.
Brooke and I get our booth when she starts asking questions.
What were the last last words I said to him? I remember like it was yesterday.
I shared with her my last conversation with him was on December 5, 2010. That I called him and my very first words to him were, "I am very worried about your extreme weight loss. I'm not sure if you are terminally ill or on drugs, but something is really wrong and I am concerned about Brooke with you ..." I let her know that I told him he could see her whenever he wanted, but no more overnight visits until he & Debbie stopped the drama and I laid down the ground rules. Keith agreed, thought it was best, and thanked me.
It was a good conversation, between friends that share a daughter. I did a lot of praying before the conversation took place and it went better than I could have imagined.
A couple of days later was the last time Brooke saw him alive.
True to his word, he picked her up for a few hours, took her to the animal shelter where they held and played with kittens & dogs, took her for ice cream, and brought her home.
For the first time in many months she had a wonderful time with her daddy and I was relieved to see her come home happy. I shared with Brooke yesterday that I called him and left a voicemail after that visit thanking him for showing you such a nice afternoon, that you had a wonderful time with him.
Brooke says to me, "Please don't start crying." Two years later I still can't talk about this without remembering every vivid detail.
She asked what was found in his body. She wanted to know about the drugs. I was honest and told her what the coroner (whom was a friend of mine that liked me from my Doctors Hostpital days) shared with me. He was a wealth of information and I was able to confirm his supplemental uses. I was also able to ask two million questions about everything from the scene to the autopsy report. He called me a few times to "check" on me.
She asked about the autopsy report and I told her I shredded it. Never would I want her or Mariah to find it by accident and read the details. I had dry heaves after reading it and was very disturbed until it was out of my home the next day and through the shreder.
Brooke said someday she wants to request a copy. Someday, as an adult, that will be her decision, but I don't recommend it.
I made a decision to be 100% honest with her December 19, 2010 between the very moment I told her her dad had died and she asked how ... suicide. Then, how did he do it?
We talk when she is ready to talk.
All little girls want their daddy's to be a hero. The first year after his death, he had a hero status in her conversations ... I let her cling to that. We talk only fondly of his good and fun qualities, but she remembers the drama and the dysfunction. I don't say anything and she lets me know in her way and her time she remembers.
She hasn't forgotten anything.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
A 17 Year Old Spankin'
Thanks to Facebook, I saw my17 year old Mariah's post this afternoon, "So trying to walk out on the ice today probably wasn't one of my smartest ideas lol." She was at her dad's house which is on a lake.
I post: "MARIAH!"
She responds: "It's fine lol I was holding into the boat, I caught myself before my whole body went in."
Me: "DO NOT do that again ... or mommy WILL spank you!"
Her: "hahaha okayyyy. That is if u can catch me (;"
Funny. She's right, I could never catch her, but I will catch her off guard.
"Brooke, let's go, we're going to Eric's house because I'm going to spank Mariah." Brooke was an excited box full of chatter the whole way over there.
The more I thought about her recent stunt of climbing on an overhang two stories high, then testing the ice on a lake ... really??
Brooke is going on and on how smart mom's are and to never mess with a mom ... a million thoughts are going through my mind: My daughter is testing ice on a lake? What is she thinking? My "DO NOT do that again" holds the same power as "Thou shalt not!" She thinks she is too old for me to spank her? I have to leave a reminder in her memory for the next time she tests unsafe boundaries which feels like a new pattern for her.
Mariah is in her room at Eric's, I tell him what she did, and that I'm going to spank her. He laughs. Mariah comes down, she had a package she ordered on line delivered to our home that I gave her and while I was hugging her, we were cheek to cheek in a loving embrace I'm explaining to her how unsafe the ice is, how if she slipped in she may not know where the hole is to get back out, and that's how you drowned. She is listening to me in a warm embrace and promises she won't do it again and I kiss her cheek.
Mariah turns around to hug Brooke goodbye when, WHACK!!!! I cracked her on the butt!
She turns and looks at me stunned, wide-eyed, like she was 5 years old again.
Very seriously I say, "I don't have to catch you and you are never too old for mommy to spank. I meant when I said stay off the ice!" I can see her emotions going from stunned to her feelings being hurt. Just like when she was little.
I hugged her and told her I love her, but to not do that again.
I can count on one hand how many times I have spanked her in life, she is such a good girl.
I mean it when I say there is no place that they could go that I wouldn't go after them and they are never too old for a spankin'.
The next time she wants to be a daredevil and tests a questionably unsafe boundary, I hope she remembers that I am not beyond driving to her and spanking her ... and I hope she thinks twice.
I post: "MARIAH!"
She responds: "It's fine lol I was holding into the boat, I caught myself before my whole body went in."
Me: "DO NOT do that again ... or mommy WILL spank you!"
Her: "hahaha okayyyy. That is if u can catch me (;"
Funny. She's right, I could never catch her, but I will catch her off guard.
"Brooke, let's go, we're going to Eric's house because I'm going to spank Mariah." Brooke was an excited box full of chatter the whole way over there.
The more I thought about her recent stunt of climbing on an overhang two stories high, then testing the ice on a lake ... really??
Brooke is going on and on how smart mom's are and to never mess with a mom ... a million thoughts are going through my mind: My daughter is testing ice on a lake? What is she thinking? My "DO NOT do that again" holds the same power as "Thou shalt not!" She thinks she is too old for me to spank her? I have to leave a reminder in her memory for the next time she tests unsafe boundaries which feels like a new pattern for her.
Mariah is in her room at Eric's, I tell him what she did, and that I'm going to spank her. He laughs. Mariah comes down, she had a package she ordered on line delivered to our home that I gave her and while I was hugging her, we were cheek to cheek in a loving embrace I'm explaining to her how unsafe the ice is, how if she slipped in she may not know where the hole is to get back out, and that's how you drowned. She is listening to me in a warm embrace and promises she won't do it again and I kiss her cheek.
Mariah turns around to hug Brooke goodbye when, WHACK!!!! I cracked her on the butt!
She turns and looks at me stunned, wide-eyed, like she was 5 years old again.
Very seriously I say, "I don't have to catch you and you are never too old for mommy to spank. I meant when I said stay off the ice!" I can see her emotions going from stunned to her feelings being hurt. Just like when she was little.
I hugged her and told her I love her, but to not do that again.
I can count on one hand how many times I have spanked her in life, she is such a good girl.
I mean it when I say there is no place that they could go that I wouldn't go after them and they are never too old for a spankin'.
The next time she wants to be a daredevil and tests a questionably unsafe boundary, I hope she remembers that I am not beyond driving to her and spanking her ... and I hope she thinks twice.
Friday, January 11, 2013
5 Years
Last night I had a girl moment where I just wanted to snuggle up to Bobby, listen to his voice, hear his heartbeat, and feel his lips against my forehead. To fall apart in the arms of my rock in life.
It was late.
So, I snuggled up with a soft blanket and called him. That familiar voice is like a healing balm. After a minute he asked why I was calling so late to just talk? I said I just wanted him to talk to me. [Translation: Please do all the talking and let me just lay here and listen.] He reminds me it is him I am talking to and asks me what is going on. I held my breath to hold in the tears ... he asks if I'm biting my lip ... I roll my eyes and say "no." He asks if I just rolled my eyes ... I really did, but I think I told him "no." He thinks he knows me so well.
The knowing, the familiar was my undoing and I cried.
It has been a long and stressful week, I am multi-symptoming feeling awful, the car Mariah drives broke down, and I cried through telling him why I just needed to hear his voice.
He said knowingly, "Your tank is empty?"
When your young, love is romance, dreams, marriage, babies and a lifetime ahead of you. When your older it becomes, I couldn't imagine him not in my life. It becomes so unconditional that nothing or nobody changes it.
He is so important in my life.
Bobby and I just recognized our 5 years together. We've been a lot of things to each other over the five years and I'm sure his ears bleed every time I feel the need to tell him how special he is to me.
I'm laughing now, because I don't hold back. I freely share my heart and tell him how special, wonderful, and amazing he is. He has learned that I have to say my thoughts out loud and express my heart so "I" feel better.
We talk hypothetically of being married someday and I hope we do.
I couldn't imagine ever marrying another. Taking vows in front of a holy God with a huge piece of my heart completely missing. So many opportunities come and go in my life.
Maybe he is my problem.
5 years. Our unique relationship.
... and I couldn't imagine it any other way.
It was late.
So, I snuggled up with a soft blanket and called him. That familiar voice is like a healing balm. After a minute he asked why I was calling so late to just talk? I said I just wanted him to talk to me. [Translation: Please do all the talking and let me just lay here and listen.] He reminds me it is him I am talking to and asks me what is going on. I held my breath to hold in the tears ... he asks if I'm biting my lip ... I roll my eyes and say "no." He asks if I just rolled my eyes ... I really did, but I think I told him "no." He thinks he knows me so well.
The knowing, the familiar was my undoing and I cried.
It has been a long and stressful week, I am multi-symptoming feeling awful, the car Mariah drives broke down, and I cried through telling him why I just needed to hear his voice.
He said knowingly, "Your tank is empty?"
When your young, love is romance, dreams, marriage, babies and a lifetime ahead of you. When your older it becomes, I couldn't imagine him not in my life. It becomes so unconditional that nothing or nobody changes it.
He is so important in my life.
Bobby and I just recognized our 5 years together. We've been a lot of things to each other over the five years and I'm sure his ears bleed every time I feel the need to tell him how special he is to me.
I'm laughing now, because I don't hold back. I freely share my heart and tell him how special, wonderful, and amazing he is. He has learned that I have to say my thoughts out loud and express my heart so "I" feel better.
We talk hypothetically of being married someday and I hope we do.
I couldn't imagine ever marrying another. Taking vows in front of a holy God with a huge piece of my heart completely missing. So many opportunities come and go in my life.
Maybe he is my problem.
5 years. Our unique relationship.
... and I couldn't imagine it any other way.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Fun Is All I Agree To
I really did have fun!
Last night, I found myself sitting in a nice wine bar (obviously the hot new place to go to), full of people, really good live music, trying a pink Moscato that has quickly become a fast new favorite in the company of a verrrry good looking 30 year old guy.
Smart, fun, funny, owns his own home, has two beautiful twin daughters, and graduates with a PhD this year. It all still feels very "off" for me. We have history so I understand conversation from past and present, and he is still trying so hard to impress me.
After a bzillion references to my "boyfriend" I finally say that relationship is over. I give him credit, he masked his glad-to-finally-here-that expression and quickly zoned in on a running list of all the places he wants "us" to go to and roadtrips to take. I think he dropped a beach vacation in there, too!
I admit I like his zest for fun in life. Always on the go doing fun activities and full of let's do this next plans. Reminds me of me in my 20's and 30's.
I had a problem with our age difference 11 years ago and even though he is definitely in a better place in life now I still feel the same way.
I laugh to myself. He is so goodlooking, why on earth isn't he interested in someone his age? Too attractive for his own good, not at all a player, and loves family life. He tells me that only a few times in life did he ever feel a part of being a family and that was when we dated years ago before I sent him on his way when he came over saying he quit college so we could be a family. Eleven years and a PhD later, he is still the same boy crazy about me.
I'm voicing feeling like a creeper being with a much younger guy to my friend Dawn. She said, "What 42 year old wouldn't want a super hot and successful 30 year old guy still in love with them after all these years?" Good point.
Yesterday afternoon he wanted to go ice skating. "No thanks!" Doesn't he understand that if I fall, it's gonna hurt for a week? Ohhhhh to be young again.
I've always taken the lead in life in relationships, dragging others to one fun thing after another. Maybe I will let him take the lead and open myself up to having fun again.
Worse case scenario, I stay and feel young.
Fun. That is all that I agree to.
Last night, I found myself sitting in a nice wine bar (obviously the hot new place to go to), full of people, really good live music, trying a pink Moscato that has quickly become a fast new favorite in the company of a verrrry good looking 30 year old guy.
Smart, fun, funny, owns his own home, has two beautiful twin daughters, and graduates with a PhD this year. It all still feels very "off" for me. We have history so I understand conversation from past and present, and he is still trying so hard to impress me.
After a bzillion references to my "boyfriend" I finally say that relationship is over. I give him credit, he masked his glad-to-finally-here-that expression and quickly zoned in on a running list of all the places he wants "us" to go to and roadtrips to take. I think he dropped a beach vacation in there, too!
I admit I like his zest for fun in life. Always on the go doing fun activities and full of let's do this next plans. Reminds me of me in my 20's and 30's.
I had a problem with our age difference 11 years ago and even though he is definitely in a better place in life now I still feel the same way.
I laugh to myself. He is so goodlooking, why on earth isn't he interested in someone his age? Too attractive for his own good, not at all a player, and loves family life. He tells me that only a few times in life did he ever feel a part of being a family and that was when we dated years ago before I sent him on his way when he came over saying he quit college so we could be a family. Eleven years and a PhD later, he is still the same boy crazy about me.
I'm voicing feeling like a creeper being with a much younger guy to my friend Dawn. She said, "What 42 year old wouldn't want a super hot and successful 30 year old guy still in love with them after all these years?" Good point.
Yesterday afternoon he wanted to go ice skating. "No thanks!" Doesn't he understand that if I fall, it's gonna hurt for a week? Ohhhhh to be young again.
I've always taken the lead in life in relationships, dragging others to one fun thing after another. Maybe I will let him take the lead and open myself up to having fun again.
Worse case scenario, I stay and feel young.
Fun. That is all that I agree to.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
*Technology-Free* Family Night
New Year's resolutions are like rules, they are made to be broken.
In our home we have welcomed 2013 with a new tradition ... one evening a week we will be *technology-free* for family night and part of that fun will be my girls learning how to cook dinner with me.
With two teenage daughters, this announcement was met with the onset of panic and tears, which only made the need for this type of family evening even stronger.
It went easier than anticipated and Brooke said she enjoyed our evening together.
Here's the rules: No phone, television, ipods, XBOX, Wii or music. The three of us have to spend the evening together.
It feels kind of like the power went out at home, but we have lights.
I'm not sure why the sound of technology-free one night a weeks sounds so difficult, we have become such an entertained generation. I like back-to-the-basics. It is the complement of modern technology meets old-fashioned way of doing things.
It's the best of both worlds.
In our home we have welcomed 2013 with a new tradition ... one evening a week we will be *technology-free* for family night and part of that fun will be my girls learning how to cook dinner with me.
With two teenage daughters, this announcement was met with the onset of panic and tears, which only made the need for this type of family evening even stronger.
It went easier than anticipated and Brooke said she enjoyed our evening together.
Here's the rules: No phone, television, ipods, XBOX, Wii or music. The three of us have to spend the evening together.
It feels kind of like the power went out at home, but we have lights.
I'm not sure why the sound of technology-free one night a weeks sounds so difficult, we have become such an entertained generation. I like back-to-the-basics. It is the complement of modern technology meets old-fashioned way of doing things.
It's the best of both worlds.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Two 30-Year Olds?!
I've always said that I didn't want to be dating when Mariah started dating; however, we have faced and made it through that milestone in life and it has become a forgotten thought until tonight.
One of my bf's, Dawn, called to make plans for going out this weekend and asked if I was free tomorrow night? "I can't tomorrow night, I agreed to meet Mark out for a drink ..." [Mark is 30 yrs old]
As I am on the phone with Dawn, my Mariah starts wildly trying to talk over my conversation ... I'm ignoring her ... when, she quickly writes down on a piece of paper and places it in front of me ...
Ohhhhh emmmm geeee!
My Mariah is crazy about a boy who happens to be 30 years old and a super nice guy that she knows well through church. They are not dating, but I understand exactly why she adores him. I think he is a fantastic guy, too.
Her date she is referring to is a group from church going to a basketball game. Mariah calls it a date and bought an entire new ensemble to impress him.
Mine isn't a date, it is simply catching up with a friend I haven't seen in a while over drinks.
I get Mariah's point though.
Mariah laughs and wonders out loud which one is older? I assure her that I am not interested in dating any 30 year olds, we have just been friends for a long time.
It reminds me at one point in my life, I really didn't want to be dating when my girls were old enough to date, too.
At 17 and 42, we both have plans with a 30 year old this weekend.
Honestly, this is ridiculous.
One of my bf's, Dawn, called to make plans for going out this weekend and asked if I was free tomorrow night? "I can't tomorrow night, I agreed to meet Mark out for a drink ..." [Mark is 30 yrs old]
As I am on the phone with Dawn, my Mariah starts wildly trying to talk over my conversation ... I'm ignoring her ... when, she quickly writes down on a piece of paper and places it in front of me ...
you're going on
a date with a
30 yr old,
and so am I
:)
Ohhhhh emmmm geeee!
My Mariah is crazy about a boy who happens to be 30 years old and a super nice guy that she knows well through church. They are not dating, but I understand exactly why she adores him. I think he is a fantastic guy, too.
Her date she is referring to is a group from church going to a basketball game. Mariah calls it a date and bought an entire new ensemble to impress him.
Mine isn't a date, it is simply catching up with a friend I haven't seen in a while over drinks.
I get Mariah's point though.
Mariah laughs and wonders out loud which one is older? I assure her that I am not interested in dating any 30 year olds, we have just been friends for a long time.
It reminds me at one point in my life, I really didn't want to be dating when my girls were old enough to date, too.
At 17 and 42, we both have plans with a 30 year old this weekend.
Honestly, this is ridiculous.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Victoria's Secret New Year Wish
Legend has it that the color you wear on New Year's Eve will bring you a certain kind of luck in the coming year. What are you wishing for?
Adventure
Passion
Love
Prosperity
If you want Adventure wear black. The coming year will be a whirlwind of parties, exotic destinations, road trips, and once in a lifetime experiences.
If you want Passion wear red. The coming year will bring life-changing new interest in the way of a project, an experience or a relationship.
If you want Love wear pink. Whether it is a close friendship or a sexy romance, you'll find what you are looking for.
If you want Prosperity wear gold. You'll be a magnet for success.
New Year's Eve according to Victoria Secrets and who am I to argue with them?
This new legend changed my New Year's Eve outfit very last minute and drastically! How do I pull off every color without clashing. I did! A pink sequins halter top, black pants, red toenails, and gold eye shadow.
My whole life every year I remember romantically wishing for Love in the coming New Year, but at 42 years old life shifts and now my top two choices are Adventure & Passion.
Life changes. Desires change. Love waxes and wanes. Give me adventure and passion, a new year filled with exciting adventures and new experiences.
Happy New Year everyone!
Adventure
Passion
Love
Prosperity
If you want Adventure wear black. The coming year will be a whirlwind of parties, exotic destinations, road trips, and once in a lifetime experiences.
If you want Passion wear red. The coming year will bring life-changing new interest in the way of a project, an experience or a relationship.
If you want Love wear pink. Whether it is a close friendship or a sexy romance, you'll find what you are looking for.
If you want Prosperity wear gold. You'll be a magnet for success.
New Year's Eve according to Victoria Secrets and who am I to argue with them?
This new legend changed my New Year's Eve outfit very last minute and drastically! How do I pull off every color without clashing. I did! A pink sequins halter top, black pants, red toenails, and gold eye shadow.
My whole life every year I remember romantically wishing for Love in the coming New Year, but at 42 years old life shifts and now my top two choices are Adventure & Passion.
Life changes. Desires change. Love waxes and wanes. Give me adventure and passion, a new year filled with exciting adventures and new experiences.
Happy New Year everyone!
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