A Presence

Brooke woke up this morning and asked, "Did you check on me last night" in a worried tone.

I hadn't.

She said she felt her comforter being pulled slightly off of her, saw a dark shadow, and heard, "I love you."  But, she didn't hear my usual footsteps walking away.

She questioned if it was me, but something in her knew it wasn't because she couldn't fall back to sleep.

Once in a very great while I will wake up in the middle of the night in a very matter of fact way that someone is watching me. I did that twice last night.

I open my eyes expecting someone to be standing there. I wasn't afraid, but I was in a sound sleep both times when I woke up thinking someone is beside me, looking at me.

I won't share this detail with Brooke now as to not confirm her fear.

Brooke has sensed her daddy's presence in her room on a few occasions. She like me, agrees that sensing is one thing, seeing a presence takes it to a too real level that neither her or I are comfortable with.

I always pray safety over our home. Last night I specifically prayed this for some reason. Even in prayer I sensed I wasn't alone.  I pray for safety and that nothing in my home is not of God.

I'm not afraid because of my faith, but I do wonder who.

My guess is her daddy, all this began the week he died.

Silver Linings

One of my most treasured relationships is horribly broken. Lines have been invisibly drawn as hurting hearts wage war against one another and hope lies trampled underneath hurled insults and accusations.

Then, something significant happens and it is that very relationship that doesn't miss a beat and he assumes his role as a rock in my life when my own strength and logic escapes me.

Love is ... him stepping up and jumping in when I need help. Walking in the door of my home a bit nervous, knowing that everything should feel significantly different, but nothing has changed.

I've desperately missed him.

He is wearing my favorite sweater that we picked out together years ago. Cleaned up and looking the very way I imagine him in my mind when I am missing him most.

Love is ... knowing everything is and should feel different, but it isn't.

Love is ... seeing a beautiful silver lining painted on the canvas of the sky this evening and knowing Whom to thank.

Silver linings are often felt in unseen blessings during a storm.

Tonight the silver lining painted in the sky belonged to me.

He knew I needed it.

It was a visibile gift from a holy God.

I saw it and thank you.

A Perfect Storm

A "perfect storm" is an expression where a rare combination of circumstances of unusual magnitude impact at the very same time. While one element alone would knock the wind out of you and feel devastating, the impact of each significant multiple elements one on top of the other is something much bigger than bad luck, it is the universe in a full out war attack against me.

Blindsided. Day after day.

I will not list the series of significant events that hit my home over the last 2 weeks, but I will say that I am in direct connection to God because there is no relief.

Emotionally, mentally, and physically worn out my rock asked me "What can I do for you?"  Sometimes all you can do is ride out the storm, lay low, take cover, stay in constant contact with God and know that the storm will pass, eventually. While I am worn out, I refuse to let these circumstances consume my daughters. He says, "Stay vigilant."  I am.

The storm hasn't passed yet, but I see glimpses of silver linings outlining the powerful and dark storm clouds.

I am a believer that everything happens for a purpose and what is meant to hurt us will make us stronger. I see blessings in this storm that wouldn't have happened if it were not for the storm.

My patience is thin. I have no tolerance for the self-consumed people in my life who offer a few crumbs of advice with little to no support. I have no sympathy for those who have a single self-induced storm in their life as the result of their own doings yet crumble underneath the weight of it.

I'm beyond thankful to a very small few who have walked into this perfect storm by being there, just listening, and sometimes praying.

Storms in life happen. Far and few between though does a perfect storm rear it's ugly head that tries with all its power to be consuming.

I am staying alert and on watch over my daughters. I am setting still and in direct connection with a holy God who has shown I am not alone with glimpses of silver linings that I know are the works of His hands.

This perfect storm will pass, but I do believe I am changing because of it.

 

Baptized, Again

Today Brooke was baptized, again.

Four years ago, when she was 9 years old, my brother baptized her at her request in his church.

Four years later, from a child to a teenager, and with a life-changing tragedy behind her she is in a much deeper and spiritual relationship with God. She loves our church and wanted to be baptized there.

One of our pastors, Alex, one of Brooke's favorites with his thick English accent and funny humor, prayed with her prior to being baptized.

Her youth director, who has been a God-send, baptized her today.

 

 

She was emotional and teary walking up to the baptismal. She has wanted to do this for months.

Brooke said the past is behind her and she feels spiritually clean.

Congratulations, sweetheart!  I'm so proud of you that in the face of tragedy and it's aftermath, you have chosen to cling to a holy God.

I love you,
Mommy