My Blue Suit

My Mariah asked me last night if I would be interested in being a parent volunteer for National Pi Day at her high school.

"Sure!" I said and thought how neat it is that I can finally volunteer for them at their schools without taking a vacation day to do it.

Mariah: Really? Can you wear your blue suit?
Me: Do I have to dress up?
Mariah: No, but the moms last year were nothing and I want everyone to see how beautiful you are!
Me: *sigh*

We live in a middle to upper class community of working professionals. One of my decisions to moving here was to live in a community with an excellent school system and a community that I felt safe being a single mom with two little girls. My concern was making sure that my girls looked and dressed like the other kids on a single income and thankfully I pulled it off!

Attending years of sporting events, I have made an observation that a perk of being single is keeping yourself on top of your game. That sounds bad, but it is true. So many women comfortable in the confines of marriage have let themselves go. Out of shape and dated, they have slipped into a dangerous comfort zone that isn't attractive. Living in a community that is financially well off, I assumed the women would be bored and country club bound. Many still may be, but they have let themselves go under what they think is the safety of marriage vows. That is not okay.

I secretly love it that my girls are so proud of me. I love it that their friends think I am amazing and after I attend an event, the girls talk about me in class on how they wish their moms were pretty like me.

Girls like pretty. Girls respond positively to pretty, being warm & friendly has made me a model mom in their eyes.

I am so thankful my girls prefer me being with them and proud I am always there cheering them on. I am their biggest fan.

I feel such a sense of accomplishment when they stand in my arms in front of all their friends totally okay in a loving embrace, allowed to kiss their cheeks and sweet faces.

I will let Mariah pick out an outfit that makes me look young, hip and cool. I will enjoy my day volunteering, seeing all her friends, the kids she has gone to school with for the last 10 years.

Mariah wants to rock bikini season this summer, with me.. There are no excuses for me and a quest I must pull off as I turn 42 years old. Time is on my side.

My Leap of Faith

For seven years I have sat inside an office on my butt.

My work day was really much longer than an 8-hour shift. Every day I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to get myself & my girls ready and out the door. My commute was an hour round-trip and I did not take breaks or lunch so I could work straight through to get home to my littlest one. In reality it an 11-hour day. Then you add my BlackBerry that haunted me 24/7 even throughout the weekend, it never ended.

I ditched the BlackBerry and my phone number. Fresh beginnings are a cleansing process.

I forgot how much I missed the sunshine throughout the day. Just being in a car, feeling the sun through the windows and knowing I can walk outside into the sunshine when I desire to.

I missed taking vacation days that were supposed to be used for rest & relaxation, that became sick-child days or catch-up-on-life days. Even stay-cations became running endlessly and projects to catch up on.

Now I wake up and think "I have a whole day to myself." Once the magical school bus arrives, of course.

I cherish every entire day in front of me, alone and quiet, a gift to myself.

I am blessed.

Back To the Basics

There was a motto a few of us shared where I worked for years, "Out think, out play, out last." A motto we lived by in in order to survive in a toxic environment. I learned to play hard, play smart and run to the battle line for for what was right and protecting others when it wasn't my battle.  An unhealthy environment that became a part of my daily life for years.

Operating by male standards, the hardness of the boardroom ... goodbye corporate world.

Time to transition back to being a soft woman. Time to journey back to the basics and reclaim the power of femininity.

My quest begins today.

Somewhere between her home
and a placard of demanding equal rights
she got lost
wandering past the garden
following where the serpent pointed
she turned left instead of right
and got offtrack ...
and though the scenery looked vaguely familiar
a frown of consternation
began to cease her brow
as she realized it was taking her
far too long
to reach her desired destination
still she determined to go
yet another mile
before turning off her chosen path
perhaps she was being too anxious ...
and as she wandered
looking for a marker
to get ther bearings
man wondered where she'd gone
as she ventured too far to hear
his need for her
of her children crying
and they too lost their way
trying to follow her
misled by traces of her perfume in the air
the memory of a gentle touch
and encouraging word ...
a piece of fabric soft to the skin
and sage advice
were found along the path
now littered with confusion
and distrust ...
and as man's shoulders began to slope in resignation
weakening his arms
causing him to abdicate his seat as protector
and her children began to find their own way
allowing new friends of rebellion
to fill the space she left behind
a cry rang out ...
it filled the earth
it reached the skies
and rang throughout the heavens
  "Woman, where art thou?"
        "Woman, where art thou?"
                "Woman, where are thou?"
it echoed off the mountaintops
and stretched across the plains
it descended throughout the valleys
this plaintive cry
mourning the absence
of this precious lost treasure
and she hearing the cry
came to a halt
not quite sure of where she stood
unable to give her location
she turned looking for her own
footprints in the sand
only to find shallow remembrances
of where she had been
and somewhere between her struggles to recall her true identity
and the place of her restoration
she saw visions of a man with sad eyes
longing for her love
praying for her return
and children
with their arms outstretched
crying for her wisdom to save them
but she had grown weary from the journey ...
sadness rooting her to the spot
depression bowing her
into herself
she succumbed to her fatigue
sinking into a fitful sleep ...
and the distance
the ringing of hammers
began hesitantly
building
and building again
until it reverberated
through the land ...
its sharp rhythm piercing the hearts of men
awakening sleeping women
and frustrated children
as wanted signs were posted
by deteremined hands
     in search of the vanishing woman ...
                              - Michelle McKinney Hammond

So I go, back to the basics, the art of being a woman.
　
　

　

Unstuck

I am unstuck.

A Reminder

Several years ago there was a little boy who lived in our neighborhood. His stepfather was truckdriver and his mom worked night shift an hour away, then pretty much slept most the day. He was a nice boy that ran too freely and did pretty much what he wanted, often getting the other neighborhood kids in trouble.

One day, I remember looking out the door and it seemed to be he had a bb gun and was shooting at fish and frogs in the pond across the street. I FLEW out the door! When I approached them, the kids jumped up hid the gun behind their back with nervous expressions.

I asked Brooke what they were doing? More specifically, I asked if they were shooting at the fish and frogs in the pond. "Oh no," they all chimed in. "Brooke?" She lied.

There were three things I was struggling with. First, the kids were playing with a bb gun. I felt like the mom on The Christmas Story saying that someone could have gotten shot in the eye! Secondly, they thought nothing of hurting fish and frogs. If you hurt them, it better be with the intent to eat them! Last but not least, I just caught Brooke in her first lie.

Think wisely. Punish appropriately.

I called Brooke's dad. He was concerned, but he is a softy heart when it comes to Brooke.  I explain to him that I need his support, he agreed. Brooke doesn't know at this point that I have called him, because she is about to call her dad and make a confession of what she did.

Calling her dad and confessing what she had done broke her heart. She had to tell him everything and cried the whole way through the conversation. Thankful I gave him a *warning* heads up, he responded and backed me up 100%.

It's funny, I forget what her punishment was, but I vividly remember and appreciated our ability to team-parent well during this situation.

Fast forward to yesterday, I caught Brooke in a lie to me.

She forged my signature on a school paper, which was fine with me because I had forgotten to sign it. When I recognized it wasn't my signature, she denied it.

I have to say that I had to stare at the signature for a long period of time, it was that close. She still denied it when I knew what she had done. She then put on quite a performance on how I never believe her, that's what did her in.

It's been years, but "reminders" are warranted.

Approaching her teen years ... I am tough love.

Another moment where I wished Kieth was here to team parent, again. On my own, I gave her a "reminder."

Then, needing a bit of support I called my dad.

Minutes before my calling him it was deja' vu, me in trouble as a little girl with my dad. Now, I call my dad as a mom with my own little girl that got herself in hot water.

Love, support and encouragement is what I got.  Such a good dad, such a great Papa!

Before I can blink, someday I will get the same call from Brooke with her little one.  Until then, I am a tough-love mom and I hope her reminder is remembered.

Sugar Cookie Cravings

My girls love to hear stories of my pregnancies with them, my cravings when pregnant and their deliveries.

"What was it you craved when you were pregnant with me?" they ask.

Pregnancy cravings were bizarre cravings. They were cravings for food that I never ate and suddenly I couldn't get enough of.

With Mariah, I craved Subway sandwiches. I wasn't even a cold cut sandwich kind of girl, but I couldn't get enough of sub sandwiches and I could easily down a footlong when pregnant. I laugh when I remember how Eric would look at me worried that I was eating so much, asking me if I was full yet?  A very pregnant me was frustrated with him not understanding, I couldn't get full!

With Mariah it was Subway footlong sandwiches and coney dogs. Two foods I never eat now.

With Brooke, I craved Mounds candy bars and Eat-n-Park sugar cookies. My mom bought me a few bags of bite size Mounds bars when I was pregnant with Brooke, I always appreciated that.

Eat-n-Park sugar cookies were treasured delights!  A special pleasure I indulged in during my pregnancy.

Today I was feeling nostaligic, so Brooke and I went to Eat-n-Park.  Brooke loves these sugar cookies, too! 

One cookie each would have been fine, buuuuuuut Valentine's Day is only two days away. 

Whitney Houston Dies

If I should stay,

I would only be in your way.

So I'll go, but I know

I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.
And I will always love you.

I will always love you.

You, my darling you. Hmm.
Bittersweet memories

that is all I'm taking with me.

So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.

We both know I'm not what you, you need.
And I will always love you.

I will always love you.

I received a text from my mom last night, "Whitney Houston just died!" Initially I felt bad in a "that's sad" kind of a way, but the thought of her death wouldn't leave my mind.

She was 48 years old. Keith was 48 years old.

Drugs had taken a toll on her life. Drugs had taken a toll on Keith's life.

She had a daughter she left behind. Keith had a daughter he left behind, Brooke.

Drugs. Broken relationships. Broken lives. 

All so unnecessary.

Brooke and I are listening to the radio and she is singing and dancing next to me.  I look over and see her dad. She is so much like him, like him in so many good ways. Sometimes she does expressions and I see him not her. I smile at her and miss him.

The radio began paying tribute to Whitney today. I couldn't help it, sometimes the tears flow for the unnecessary of it all.

I hope life treats you kind

And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.

And I wish to you, joy and happiness.

But above all this, I wish you love.
And I will always love you.

I will always love you.

I will always love you.

I will always love you.

I will always love you. I,

I will always love you.
You, darling, I love you. Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

"Is Mariah Coming Home?"

“Is Mariah coming home tonight?”  Brooke shouts across the house yesterday morning. She wants to know if Mariah is coming home or going to her dad’s house.

“Why?” I ask. “Because I want to wear her pink top,” she shouts back. I can hear her upstairs in Mariah’s bedroom, anxiously going through her clothes, but needing the okay her sister won’t be coming home after school.

Oh the memories from years ago! Except it was me going through my little brothers sweaters back in the 1980’s when leggings and big sweaters were in!  I would open the door to our house and tell everyone to close their eyes (as if there was a surprise) then I would race to my bedroom before anyone could see what I was wearing. Jason would tear down the hall after me. I smile now thinking how many times did they fall for that and actually close their eyes?

Decades later, Brooke enjoys Mariah’s clothes whenever she isn’t home.

Today she found another pretty hot pink top in her sister’s closet. Pink clothing selections for the approaching Valentine’s Day.  We seem to be celebrating Valentine’s Day all month.

“After all, they are going to be my clothes anyway someday” a very entitled Brooke states.

Pretty in pink, off to school she goes!

She better hope Mariah doesn’t stop by the house after school.

A Quaint Ice Cream Parlor

Desperate measures brings new pleasures.

The sun came out today and I needed to get my littlest homebody out of the house. Enjoying new magical firsts, I bribe Brooke to go on an adventure to try someplace new. An ice cream parlor called Taggarts.

Quaint. Atmosphere. Interesting ice cream menu.

We agreed that the parlor has a special feel to it.

She said, "It would be fun to work in a place like this." 

I had another new 'first' today, that was the first time Brooke has ever mentioned out loud where she would like to get her first job. Actually, it surprised me. She always says she isn't leaving home. 

It's fun to try new places we have never been.

It's fun to be surprised in the middle of an ordinary day!

Its Greatness

Brooke has found a new passion in drawing art. She spends much of her free time sketching detailed, animated characters into stories.

Her picture stories are about real topics she is familiar with such as Mariah & Mike’s relationship, sketches of family & friend’s individual qualities and interests as well as picture stories of her and her dad.

Brooke is very artistic and musical. Recently, I am seeing story telling interests in her as well.

She has a school project that she is doing on a Desert Rose. Her story starts off with a sketch of one of her characters, a character she uses to describe me, “Hi, I’m Rosie. I am a perfect combination of what happens when the desert sand meets the wind ...”

Her project was supposed to be one paragraph, but she said because of its greatness, she made it two!

Hmmm … someone else in my family likes to capture moments and write.

I think Brookie is greatness, too!

Moisturize

Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!

Since I have been 15 years old, I have moisturized twice a day, every day. My efforts have paid off with great skin.

At almost 42 years old, I have no crow’s feet or wrinkles. I can tell the tissue of my skin is thinning which is a normal process, so far I have conquered aging wrinkles gracefully.

Recently, I have had men in their late 40’s to girlfriends in their 20’s call me and ask what skin care products I buy?  

Just yesterday, I was so flattered to have a stunning, in her 20’s, girlfriend call to ask what products I use.  She said my skin is amazing!

The trick is to be preventative not reactive.

I tell my daughters all the time to moisturize. They don’t give it much consideration that wrinkles are still a lifetime away.

To bask in the sun is still a guilty pleasure.

To moisturize is daily routine.