Graduation Day

Mariah said not to iron her graduation gown because the fabric will burn, that it's okay to be wrinkled.

Not a chance. My daughter is not walking across stage with 472 graduating Seniors in front of thousands of people wrinkled. Nostalgia filled my thoughts ironing her graduating gown and the first onset of tears came.

Pomp and Circumstance graduation music filled the auditorium as the Seniors walked down the aisles to their seats one after the other in a grand parade. Their caps and gowns signifying the crescendo of their school years as they enter true adulthood in this traditional celebration ceremony.

Then ... I saw my beautiful girls face walking down the aisle. She should be 3 years old, but there she is breathtaking and beautiful, 18 years old and entering a whole new season in life with unlimited options.

Her dad made it. Barely, but he made it and when I told him I am so glad he did, he blinked.

We were all there, in the front row as they called her name and she walked across the stage in a confident stride and shook hands with Administration as she accepted her high school diploma.

Congratulations to my 2014 graduate!

Med's Change

After literally a year of hell with Brooke, tapping into every professional service to ensure I had in fact exhausted all professional services for her, about six weeks ago I walked into her physicians office and said, "My daughter is worse than she has ever been, obviously the med's are not helping, so I want her off them!"

The psychiatrist suggested we try just one more different kind of medication. A medication from a completely different family, different from everything we have tried in the past.

One more time and that's it.

When I no longer believed life could get back to normal, it has.

Brooke hasn't self-harmed, I haven't called the police, she has not visited a hospital or a crisis center since her meds change. What had become a weekly pattern, I now count the weeks as a substance abuse person would count their weeks of sobriety.

That's the tip of the iceberg stuff.

Brooke is happy again. For no reason other than she is no longer dwelling in the land of depression with suicidal tendencies which I ABSOLUTELY blame the mind-altering side effects of the wrong med's that were in her system.

Pleasant and friendly, she is participating in family activities and leaving our home again.  The extreme rudeness has dissipated and when I get on her for basic teenage stuff, she handles it well. There are no more scenes with gasoline being dumped on an already raging bonfire.

Only one day in our six weeks did we forget her new pill only one night and we did indeed have a five-minute ghetto fighting moment.  It was truly deja vu and I realized how powerful one pill makes as well as the importance of not missing a single night.

Brain-controlling medications are to be taken very seriously. They are not the baby stuff that Advil is to a headache.

I reflect back through the year and the psychiatrists that her path crossed in hospitals, treatment centers, and her personal counseling office that increased her med's when the drama became out of control.  That was always the first step in the quick "fix" to increase her med's.  Not one of them truly tracked or paid attention to the pattern of her behavior on med's.

Had I not advocated for my daughter, I was certain she would have eventually killed herself, even if by accident.

I think of the countless people out there struggling with mental illness who do not have advocates to fight for them. Families who have given up on them simply because they are exhausted from extreme drama.

Brooke is bi-polar. The wrong med's in her system made her a nightmare and highly suicidal. Mind-altering meds have serious side effect that can do that.

One of my closest friends has started her daughter on Zoloft about a month ago.  She is in the hospital at this very moment from an overdose.  I told her get her OFF Zoloft.

If you have a family member or friend with a mental illness diagnosis and life is out of control, advocate. It is the difference between living in hell and normalcy for them and everyone around them.

It was an ugly journey, but how would you feel if you were unable to help yourself, you didn't know how to help yourself, didn't have the right mind to know the difference, and couldn't climb out of the pit.

Advocate for them.

The Reward of Virtue

My bows and congrats to Michelle McKinney Hammond, a single woman, a Christian, and hands-down my favorite author.

The Reward of Virtue ...

He watched her from afar off
      savoring her special brand of poetry
           etched in every step she took
      full of grace
             vibrating with strength
                  a reed in the wind
                      bowing down
              but always rising again
    there was something about her ...
he took her in as she extended her arms
       willowy and gentle
              possessing secret power
                    not obvious to the undiscerning eye
              her hands wiped
   brows fevered with fear and trepidation
         and healed them
                 her touch as cool as her comforting words
      soothed those uncertain
         and gave sight to the blind
      she moved soundlessly through confusion
          leaving peace in her wake
               while those before her were warmed by her eyes
       and the tenderness of her smile
             yet strangely moved
                 even changed
                      by her appearing
             unexplainable as it were
                    she left no one the same
                          so profound
                                was her influence
          and though many could not put their finger
              on the exact word
                     that rearranged their hearts
                                they were sure of the source
       it was her
                something about her
         for long before she was announced
              her presence was known
                   it was felt
            the air changed
                  her virtue saturated
                       the atmosphere
                   and brought rest
                          to tongues too busy
                              hands too weary
                   minds too troubled
            it was her
                   something about her
   not heralded but recognized
                              drawing like a magnet
                                   all those thirsty
                                         for refreshing
                          her spirit gave them drink
       and far more times than she knew her closeness was enough
                                 to set the captive free
                to release those with severed wings
                            to take flight
                   and as she laughed in delight
                       they soared upon the music
                                of her exultation
             until they reached their destination
      returning to roost
                      in the cool of her shadow
                             until she urged them on again
         and they rose
                  they carried her with them
                       tucking her in a safe place inside themselves
                            that they could revisit
                                time and time again
for in the end the power they found to fly
     was wrapped inside her prayers
           coaxed forth by her faith
                birthed by
                     her ...
         there was something about her ...
           

Baseball With Cups

Last night at the shelter I am marching across the street from the mission into a large gathering of our guests and other community people who are waiting at a local give-a-way truck for free clothing and food items.

Moments before I was sitting in my office when I heard some guys come in and yell, "Miss Dawn, look what these boys were doing!" They shared the confrontation and name-calling that had taken place outside and brought in the broken pieces of our mission coffee cups that were busted up because some teenagers were playing baseball with them. 

"Who are they?" As I am heading across the parking lot, across the street, some of the shelter guys grabbed additional shelter guys in case something broke out. This is over a couple broken coffee cups, but still.

The teenagers were blocks away at this point and I couldn't even see who they are to snatch them up the next time they walked in the doors for a meal. In mom-mode, I was planning their punishment and about to get a weeks worth of dish-washing out of these boys!

Several shelter guests shared what they saw and said the boys found (did not take) our coffee cups on top of the roof of the building across the street. That the boys found them up there and were hitting them with a stick.

I asked my shelter guys to please let me know who they are when they come back.

Not even 10 minutes later, two boys (early 20's) came into the mission asking for me. Very respectfully they said, "We yelled for you to get your attention outside, but you didn't hear us. We were the ones, but we promise you we didn't take them, we found them on the roof." I asked them what the heck they were doing on the roof of the building across the street? The one boy said, "I was not raised by a family and sometimes I don't do things right, but we were up on the roof because we climb and jump doing parkour downtown."

I asked their names, shook their hands, and told them I am proud of them for their honesty and integrity to come to me so quickly to explain the situation. I added that they almost were on dishes duty for a week, but to please ... the next time they find mission property, to return it and not bust it up playing baseball.

It all ended very well. 

There were so many dynamics that took place:

1 - Two young men caught busting up mission property, then an ugly name-calling confrontation outside that as the normal gets everyone yelling prior to me going out, yet they very respectfully came to apologize not realizing they looked liked wide-eyed, little boys barely stepping in the mission asking for me to make a confession and apologize. 

2 - The boys tattling on the shelter guys for calling them, "hood-rats" and my guys telling on them they were called, "F---ers." 

3 - Shelter guests watching me to see how I was going to handle the situation head-on. This truly sets the stage for respect with this culture. To show class but to be in control, kind but firm, caring but handle situations head-on, feminine but not weak, loving but not a doormat, generous but not to be taken advantage of. 

Strength under control. 

The Power of Femininity

The Power of Femininity is one of my favorite books written by an amazing author, Michelle McKinney Hammond. I believe every woman should own this book as a gentle reminder to embrace the art of being a woman and knowing our value when it comes to sensitivity, intuition, strength, and influence from a biblical perspective.

She watched the glass

    now empty

 badly in need of a refill

   her arms hung heavily by her sides

     too weary from her constant revisiting

       of a task she longed for him to do

     he waited

      accustomed to her frequent attendance

        he saw no need to break a familiar pattern

     though he knew it was his duty

      to refresh her

        to fill her

she had done so well 

  refreshing herself

   he now had no memory

    of how to go about the dark

and he wondered why her eyes were so angry

       though her speech did not give her away

the distance he felt from her body

   when he reached to caress her

      left unanswered questions in his mind

        that he dared not utter

          afraid of responsibility

            her answers might require on his part

    and so he waited

      waited for her to refill the glass

   but instead she just stood there

            with her arms dangling like leaden appendages

       looking up toward the heavens

lips moving silently

   pouring out her soul

tears streaming down 

               until they overflowed the brim of the glass

and as she reached for it

      the unthinkable occurred 

           the glass tipped over

                spilling its contents

        rolling

            rolling

               rolling out of her reach

        landing at his feet

   and she still standing

        not moving except

              to see if her prayers had been answered

        watched him bend to pick it up

 staring

      as if at a foreign object

              finally a glint of recognition lighting his face

  he revisited his initial call

                      filling it with himself

                        he gave her to drink

                          and she partook of his offering gratefully

                       still looking toward heaven

                    and then into his eyes

                       now filling with understanding

                          as the anger left hers

              making room for softness in her gaze

                as her arms regained strength

                   no longer exhausted from carrying

                      both their loads

                  with one arm unfettered

                           she was now free

                               to embrace him

               truly her glass was full.

Irrational Moment

Yesterday morning I was heading out to do a list of errands, then work, then come home and mow when David pulled in the driveway to surprise me. 

Back up to last week ... both my lawn mowers stopped self-propelling on the same day last week, so my dad raced over and unbeknown to me he mowed my yard with broken self-propelled mower then whisked my one mower to the shop to get fixed, thank you dad! 

Running down my laundry list of poor me to-do's, in my rant that my yard looks horrible this week I actually started crying and said, "the houses at the end of the street have their lawns looking better than mine!" And the tears would not stop.

My charming significant other started laughing at the ridiculousness of my irrational behavior, wiped my tears, and hugged me. 

Later in the afternoon I got a text, "I fixed the mower."  *sigh*  My hero .  He mowed my yard when I was at work and fixed my 2nd broken mower by buying me a brand new Honda mower that was sitting in my garage when I came home from work with dinner cooking on my new grill! 

There is something so incredibly sexy about a man who cooks! After we had dinner, he gave me the  Lawn Mower 101 lessons of do's and don'ts. He walked through the functionality of my new mower, told me about oil changes, and some other things I've already forgotten. Two words:  Remind me.  

I am a lucky girl to have such great men in my life! 

A Graduation Celebration!

Mariah's graduation celebration was a success!

I am so thankful we pulled it off in such short time and it included everyone who is important in my daughter's life ... family, friends, and her church family.

At one point Eric spelled with his eyes on the machine that speaks for him, "It feels like family." 

He made it to her graduation celebration!  

Compliments

An elderly lady was leaving the dining room after eating last night, she is one of my quieter dinner guests that smiles politely as she leaves. I stand at the door every evening shaking hands and thanking our guests for coming. I initiate general conversation and wish them a good evening. This is how I learn about them.

Last night my quiet elderly lady who usually just smiles and says a soft, "Thank you" stopped and said, "On behalf of myself and everyone here, thank you for being here." How kind.

The night before last I was having a really rough day which made it tough to feign being a pleasant dinner hostess. A young man motioned me over to his table and asked me when I was taking over the meal ministry and proceeded to tell me that I made the whole atmosphere better by being there. That they love laughing at my jokes I open with before reading scripture, that I light up the room being so kind, and that many have noticed there are no issues or bad behavior in the dining room the evenings that I work. That when I am not there and my predecessor is handling the meal the dinner guests talk through scripture reading, are rude, and confrontations happen. 

I've heard that many times.  

I have a couple of shelter men who are resident advisers that help in the kitchen. These guys only need to help out maybe 4 hours per day are working often 12-16 hours per day because they want me to be a complete success. They go over, above, and beyond every day 100% for me.  I have to get on them and make them rest because all three have health issues. They do it for me and you know I make them feel like rock stars!  

I have shelter men who are not resident advisers who jump up without being asked when the dining room is in full swing of serving to clean off, reset tables, and prepare for the second meal sitting. 

I have dinner guests who will see the dirty dishes tray start to fill up and will carry it into the kitchen as they are walking out the door in contribution. I lavishly praise them then see them doing it quickly again when the need arises knowing I see how helpful they are. 

On a side note: When I am driving through downtown, I see my dinner guests walking all over the place. We smile and wave to each other. They are the homeless people that you see in your own city. Often dirty, wearing a lot of clothing and coats even when it is warm out. Many are in need of a shave and a shower, but let me remind you that they are kind with such good hearts, just in a rough place in life.

I never worry if we don't have a volunteer church/business group show up to serve for the evening, because I have tables full of shelter guys that are trained professionals that will strap on an apron and serve in a heart beat. 

It is such a neat community and environment. 

I am so blessed. 

Full-Time Meal Ministry

Two months of training and the Board approved that I am now full-time and 100% over the meal ministry.

Not am I only over the meal ministry, but I have presented our missions need to have a strong presence in our community and surrounding communities as far as I can reach to take us to the next level of growth. I am now over social media and content writing for our website, brochures and social media sites.

It's kind of what I do.

Get into something and growing it into a million directions for variety sake. Professional chaos both drives, challenges, and stimulates me; thus my need for David to be a rock and my steadfast foundation in life.

Being over the meal ministry has me leading countless, because I have no idea truly how many hundreds of volunteers, staff, college and community service people I direct on a monthly basis. The opportunities that present themselves every day all day where others look to me for counsel, guidance and help in need of basic necessities and/or a safe place to sleep.

Our mission is the only one like it in our county and USA Today has rated our county as 1 of the most 10 depressed areas in the United States.

I care for the homeless, the hungry, the broken, the addicted and the mentally ill. My dinner guests range from 6 weeks old to 94 years old and everything in between.

What an awesome responsibility.

What an awesome God.

I was on a quest for significance and He placed me on the front line.

Grad Plans Coming Together

There was so much to do yesterday in preparation for a graduation party this weekend. I felt numb like I was walking through a dream and I remember the familiar feelings of Keith's death.

My Mariah came home from school early crying and needing mommy time. So much is about to happen.  I balanced being a rock for her and getting things done.

I remembered why I started this blog years ago, to capture life for my daughters. Should something happen to me while they are young, they wouldn't forget our life together, who I was, what I believed in, what I fought for, how I loved, and to have my voice inside their heads when they forget.

Yesterday was one of those days where I put one foot in front of the other, what do I do next ...

A caterer was found, food was sampled, a decision made.  Check.

From store to store, party decor was picked out.  Check.

Graduation invitations were created, electronically shared, printed, and picked up.  Check.

A call was placed to my sister-in-law and her graduation cake is being made.  Check.

Many notified.  Check.

Fifteen years ago my brother was about to take a pastors job in Tampa, Florida when his then girlfriend said she quit college and she is going with him. They couldn't go unmarried and I planned their wedding in 2 days. Today we laugh and remember that day. Melissa and I in the car racing home from the mall, my painting my nails while driving, having just picked out her wedding dress 1-1/2 hours till the wedding ceremony.

A lot can be accomplished in a short period of time.

A lot was accomplished yesterday, we took a short break from stress and time was spared to run off to a Mother & Daughter Banquet with Mariah where she was chosen to give her testimony. *Ignore my overly exaggerated smile ... I was driving and leaning in for a quick selfie pic with Mariah.

An Emergency Graduation Celebration

Kirsten, Mariah's step mom, asked if she could come by tonight as I was getting ready for bed. She needed to give me an update on Eric as ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease is rapidly taking his life and they need to get him into special care for comfort medical care soon to ease his struggle. He has held on for Mariah's graduation much longer than physicians ever thought he ever would.

Life brings so many unreal moments that are never expected. My ex-husband is only 45 years old, our daughter 18 years and we are preparing for his death that is fast approaching. Kirsten and I share openly and emotionally about all that is about to happen and prepare together as a team. Life wasn't always this way.

We are planning Mariah's graduation party to be in three weeks, actually the weekend before she walks in graduation for the sooner rather than later, but it still isn't going to be soon enough. His end is very near.

Eric needs to be a part of this last celebration for our daughter, so I said, "Let's do the party this week!"

Tomorrow morning I will be given the "Go" on what night this week or this weekend an emergency graduation celebration will take place.

While Kirsten is getting Hospice in place, I will be planning a graduation celebration.

Still Waters Run Deep

A shelter man came into my office and complimented me just yesterday saying how impressed he is every day watching me handle situation after situation yet I stay smiling, positive and unshaken. He made the comment, "Still waters run deep."  I ran across it again this morning beautifully put by Joel Osteen and wanted to share it.

Every day the surface will change and there is something to deal with. Make sure the foundation of your life is in the quiet calmness and peace of deep waters. If it isn't, learn what it is you need to rejuvenate and find that balance for your life.

My personal balance is found anchored in ... my faith and talking with God throughout the day, in needed alone time, being alone at home with the only sounds being carried in through the fresh air of open windows in my clean house, going for a walks in the sunshine, writing, eating healthy, plenty of exercise, and a routine sleep schedule (8 hours a night) that keeps my system in balance, healthy and my immune system strong.

Still Waters Run Deep - By Joel Osteen

You've probably heard the saying, "Still waters run deep." The surface of the ocean is always changing, depending on the wind, tide, season and even the time of day. It can be very smooth and calm at one point, and later in the day, it's rough and choppy. When the wind is strong and the tide is right, there can be ten-foot waves or small whitecaps. What's interesting is that if you go down about 30 feet, the water never changes. It's as calm and still as can be. Right above it on the surface, it may change a dozen times a day, but 30 feet down it never changes; it's always calm.

That's the way you and I need to be in life. On the surface, there will always be activity and change. We may have storms in life with waves and wind, some days bigger than others. You can't get away from all the traffic, or a person that irritates you, or a challenge in your relationship or your health. That's just life. Those things create waves on the surface. But deep down in your spirit, you've got to have calmness, a supernatural peace deep within.

The Scripture says, "In quietness and calmness will be my strength (Isaiah 30:15)." We need to learn to live in the deep places. When you're worried or stressed out, if you're moved by every circumstance, upset because you're not getting your way, offended at what a neighbor said, then you're living a very shallow life. You're living on the surface. The thing is, you don't control the wind. You can't control the tide. In other words, you don't control what other people do. You can't control what your neighbor says or even what battles you fight. Really, the only thing you can control is your own attitude. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond. If you worry all the time, get upset every time the traffic is bad, frustrated because you have an unexpected bill, my encouragement to you today is to go deeper. Find that place of still waters. Find the place of peace with God.

Remember, the surface is always going to be changing. You'll never get away from the tests, the challenges or the adversities. As long as you're alive, there will be something to deal with. But when you learn to go down to the deep waters, you have this calmness and rest for your soul. Remember, what you see on the surface is only temporary, but the deep waters are unchanging. Walk in the deep, live in the deep and let Him wrap you in His peace all the days of your life!

In The Thick Of It

It has been over two months that I have worked at the rescue mission, a men's homeless shelter and meal ministry. My days are a blur of activity and every day brings a new situation.

Imagine ... everyday breakfast, lunch, and dinner is served and the kitchen is full of hustle-n-bustle from workers from senior employment, welfare, constant new community service people working off their court-ordered hours, and faithful volunteers. At night it is the same thing, but a different shift comes in including a different church or business group every night to work and serve dinner. Let's sprinkle in the men that live in the shelter, a majority from prison, many with substance abuse struggles, mental issues, and a few where employment loss has left them with nothing. Now, let's add the community (approximately 220 per night) that come in for dinner every night.

This makes a mix of many situations to arise.

This makes an interesting mix of respect, appreciation, and protection from the shelter men who initiate, volunteer, watch, and follow me into every situation so that it doesn't get out of control.

They know I am there because I care. Believe me, it makes all the difference in the world.

You know how they say animals can pick up on fear. The same goes for men and women who are in a bad place in life, they know who cares and who doesn't. It makes a big difference in this community.

There was a re-entry symposium yesterday where different professional groups got together to boast about their programs that are in place for those getting out of prison to get back to being contributing members of society. Attending was one of the shelter men, highly educated and a professional, out of prison. He came back and shared the smoke & mirrors statistics of the programs out there that look good to the outside world, but to those out of prison they are not effective and why.

There was frustration there for him knowing both sides and he simply thanked me. Thanked me for being there for a significant purpose, because I care, not because it is a job.

I do my best every day and I desire to make positive changes and an impact for the good. There are so many roles that I take on beyond running a meal ministry that have a much more profound impact and I do believe genuinely caring about all these people in a low place in life is my most important role.

I was looking for significance and God dropped me right in the thick of it!