Little Things Mean Everything

To say it has been a hectic week is an understatement.

Working and learning a new job. Working hours that is taking a schedule adjustment to get used to. Brooke ... drama, drama, drama. Little sleep.

My lifeline is a text or phone call away. It's amazing how a familiar routine when routine is out of balance brings a sense of normalcy to a hectic week.

The universe would feel off balance if I didn't get a "good morning" text. A quick morning call to say hi and run down the days agenda for sharing sake. A phone call when I am heading home. The random phone call in the middle of the afternoon to just chat and share/talk about anything simply because we want to.

Last night I was worn out and crawled in bed with a book when I picked up my phone to text David goodnight, but then put my phone down and thought I had already said good night while hanging up the phone talking to him earlier so I decided not to bother him.

Moments later ... my phone rings. He was thinking about me.

Little things mean everything.

What a BRAT!!

My whole body hurt. I spent the day working in the kitchen along side of a couple of my new teams (lunch and dinner) to understand the process, flow, and machinery in the kitchen that served over 73K meals last year. Eight hours on my feet moving continuously lifting large trays and boxes, hauling food, serving, cleaning, and melting in the heat of the ovens and the hustle-n-bustle.

My back muscles hurt from lifting so much that I found I was holding my breath when I got home. First stop was the shower, I needed the water as hot as it would go over my tired muscles.

Sweats. No make-up. Glasses. I sit down for the first time at 7:40 p.m. and question if I should just go to bed or force myself to stay awake for The Bachelor. 

Brooke looks at me, "Mom, I really hope you don't think you are going to come home every night and do nothing. I've been in the house all day and I would like to leave and do something."

I could only look at her.

Do I wish I had magical powers? No, she would be hurt. 

Hmmmm ... I wonder when she will be leaving for a week again?

I daydream of the day she moves out.

What a BRAT!!

Nagging At My Heart

Why am I feeling like this?  I continued to dig deep for reason with this nagging feeling.

Oh, the years that rolled by where I lost myself in a career as my identity as it served as a perfect distraction that filled the void of no relationship. My schedule overfloweth, daylight hours allocated to career, priorities, a little fun, and sleep. When I was busy, I didn't have time to think about what was missing in my life, a key relationship that God intended and I longed for.

My priorities this past year have been being absolutely present and 100% with and about my family. Establishing a new life built on quality and best friendship with David, being present for my girls, and running our home which is our private place on this earth where we come together to relax, rejuvenate, and be together away from the world.

I questioned myself what would change getting into a new career that will take a big amount of time and focus into yet another area. How many plates can I have in the air spinning and spinning well?

My fear was ... if I put my eyes on a new career that I could easily lose myself in, what is going to give [lack] when I am not 100% for my family. My fear was I would need David less.

What is this feeling that was nagging at me constantly? Why am I feeling a sense of needing David even more?

Deborah from the Bible popped in my mind. Known for her wisdom and courage, she was a prophetess, the only female judge in Israel, a counselor, a warrior, and the wife of Lapidoth.

In every book and every story that speaks of Deborah and the titles that describe her, the title wife of Lapidoth exists. I believe it is because that role in her life was essential for her to be what she needed to be to others.

She had her partner who filled the most important role in her life under God, therefore she could be everything she needed in other areas of her life because she had a built-in support system that I am betting was her rock and foundation in life.

I am not comparing myself to Deborah by any means. In my asking God why am I feeling that I need David more, when I worried I would need him less, Deborah is who immediately came to my mind.

Self-worth And Contribution

Goodbye corporate America, my mind is having to shift and wrap around this new world of homelessness and hungry.

What stood out the most initially is that while I am not surprised the men are polite and respectful, I am surprised at how polite and respectful they are.

Some want to share their stories, follow me around and help me with things to talk and have conversation. In two days time, I feel as if I have a team of men that are willing to help out in any capacity. Others keep their distance, sit back and watch.

I feel as if I don't have to lift a thing. There is always someone anticipating, willing to jump in and insist they do it. I allow them to be a gentleman and I watch their worth and pride puff their chests. Not to be a helpless damsel in distress, because that is not my nature, I am quickly learning these men need self-worth and contribution. The shelter and meal ministry is very much a community.

Men you would pass in public and never know they live in a homeless shelter and others you can see their hard life on their face.

Each of these men have a skill, a dream, and a purpose in life. Their means have been stripped away by their own self-destruction or by bad circumstance.

Their stories are beginning to be trickle out and their personalities are vast.

It has been an interesting and enlightening couple of days. I step back and look at this opportunity I have accepted as employment (seeking significance) and ultimately see the significance of responsibility this position holds.

I will be training for two months then the meal ministry will fall 100% on me. From securing food and donations, planning meals from the food provided, sometimes cooking, often serving hands-on in the dining services, conducting daily devotionals, overseeing the volunteers, working with a revolving door of volunteers who are there to serve out their community service with us, to the every day details of the meal ministry and as a key player in the growth the ministry wants to grow in.

To lead in a community where the needs are great ... I am asking for strength, guidance, blessings, favor, and power from heaven. Heaven knows I will need it!

He Asked For A Hot Meal

A couple of years ago I hosted a table at an agency that provided services to many of the at-risk students when I worked for an educational management company. I was working the table alone when a shy, young boy (early 20's) approached me and quietly asked if I knew where he could get a hot meal. 

I remember my heart breaking for him and wishing I had brought my colleague with me so I could have left the table and taken him to get a healthy and hot meal. I also remember not having any cash on me that I would have willingly handed over.

A couple of blocks away was a campus full of agencies with a food pantry that I directed him to. The food pantry could provide him with food for several meals and a long-term relationship and the other agencies could meet other needs.

Years later, this boy haunted me. I often thought about him and constantly replayed my response wishing I could do more.

His name is Eric and he lives at the homeless shelter where I am now working.

I recognized him immediately my first day feeling badly that he is still in not a good place, but happy to see my first impression of him was correct; he is a very shy and very nice boy.

A part of me wanted to say, "I remember you ..." but I would never want to embarrass him.

Eric and I worked together all morning yesterday. Clearing out a room for my new office, we had a team of men that stay in the shelter volunteer to haul and carry pantry items to the basement for storage. Eric and I were in charge of organizing the new pantry downstairs.

He is quiet and shy, a willing heart to work and help, and great organizational skills. We kept conversation to a minimum and to the task at hand. He isn't much of a talker and I found I wanted to respect his quietness. What I did do though was thanked him for his help and his organizational skills. Asking him where he thought items would be best placed to give him ownership on this pretty big task.

It was while we were working together that I asked his name. Quiet, shy, remaining on task he politely replied, "Eric, it is nice to meet you."

I don't know his story and I don't need to. I just am glad that after a couple of years of often wondering about him, I am in a place where I hope to make a positive difference for him ... finally.

A Message In A Dream

Brooke called to tell me she had a dream about her dad. She was walking up the driveway at his white townhouse when she saw him working in his garage. She said, "Dad, it's me, Brooke." Keith looked at her and said, "It has been so long" he began to cry, hugged her, and told her, "I love you, Brookie. You have to stop this bad behavior."

Brooke woke up from her dream crying.

She cried telling me her dream on the phone and in the car coming home today.

She heard his voice in her dream, it had been so long since she had heard it. She was forgetting it.

She misses being in her daddy's embrace and cuddling on the couch watching cartoons. She misses getting ice cream with him. She is a little girl who misses her dad every single day.

Brooke needed that message from her daddy.

Who is to say it wasn't a message from heaven?

All-Expenses Paid

 

 

"Yes!"

 

One of my dear girlfriends called, her assistant quit and she asked if I was {Yes!} available in March {Yes!} to assist her while she hosts a professional conference at this resort in California, in return I would get an all-expenses paid, 5-day trip and stay at this resort & spa hotel.

 

"Yes!"

 

Did the heavens just open and did you hear the angels sing? Some answers in life take no thought whatsoever. She laughed and asked if I needed time to think about it ... "No, count me in."

 

Suddenly winter feels more tolerable. When I slip into warm shoes, I smile and know I will be slipping into strappy sandals in weeks. I will simply arrive, do what I've always done ensuring an event is pulled of smoothly and successfully, then bask in the sunshine.

 

My only effort going into this trip is what spa treatments shall I enjoy?

 

Kimberly and I have a favorite quote while vacationing/spa-la-la'ing and it can only be said while floating in the waters at luxury spa resort, "Pool boy, what drink haven't I tried?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Restaurant Impossible

My favorite television shows/series are Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, The Bachelor, Keeping Up With the Kardashians (I know most people especially do not like this show, but I do), Millionaire Matchmaker, and Restaurant Impossible.

I dvr my shows for when I do want to watch television, I watch exactly what I like. I've never worked in the food industry, but Restaurant Impossible seems so logical that it amazes me those who get into the business can't figure out why their restaurant is failing. Chef Robert Irvine swoops into town and rescues failing restaurants in two days time identifying the failing issues, changing menus, and transforming drab to fab with $10K. I'm hooked.

One day ... I hope to own my own quaint patio café on the water (I'm hoping on the North Carolina coast) that people come to as a tranquil escape with friends in an oceanesque setting.  

Interviewing for a management position for a meal ministry I was asked what food industry experience I have. I laughed and said I have zero experience but my training watching Restaurant Impossible. No kidding. I actually said it.

Here's the thing ... I know leadership and I know how to see the goal and can clearly think through all the steps to get there.

Last night I got the call, I got the job! 

My role will be securing food and donations for a meal ministry and homeless shelter, creating meals with whatever food is available at the moment (which will be an added challenge over Restaurant Impossible's already set menus and known needed food items), managing the volunteers, community outreach, while being hands-on present in the meal ministry with and for our dinner guests. 

Did I mention in 2013 they served 73K meals?  That is Restaurant Impossible on crack!

I'm up for the challenge and who knows, maybe I will get Chef Robert Irvine to step foot through our doors.

My personal goal with this will be taking the meal ministry to new levels it has never seen before.

In a quest for significance in my life, it is for me to be an open and willing vessel. If I am confident and willing to do the work of the awesome responsibility and mighty task that has opened for me, God will meet me there to provide and equip.

It's His meal ministry, therefore my boss is ultimately God on this one.

Crisis Pregnancy Volunteer

I MADE IT ... almost! A topic in life that has always been near and dear to my heart is crisis pregnancies. In my quest for employment, I took my downtime at home as an opportunity to go through a month long training at a local Christian-based, outreach ministry, pregnancy center.

It was mid-January when I made the commitment and knowing it was something I really wanted to do, I was fearful it wouldn't happen because my training is three hours per day, two days per week, the entire month of February.

My prayer went something like this, "Dear God (cause I'm a dear God kinda girl), I really, really, really, really want to do this training, but I really need a job, too. Please make it work."

Would I have accepted a job offer had it presented itself? Absolutely. The good news/bad news is a job offer has not been presented, thus securing my role as a crisis pregnancy volunteer where I will have the awesome opportunity to handle the intake process of girls and women who walk into the center, handle pregnancy tests, and establish relationships as they walk through {+} pregnancy.

There are endless dynamics that each situation will bring, but the training has been enlightening and incredibly so much more than I ever anticipated. God will equip with a willing heart.

Once upon a time, I was married and visiting a fertility specialist to get pregnant. I desperately wanted a baby, studied and learned everything I could know about pregnancy, development, and the bible we all read, What To Expect When You're Expecting. Let's just say, I have learned more this month than I knew then.

After I had Mariah, we tried again and went deeper into the fertility process to have another baby.  I remember the appointment where I went alone and said I won't be coming back, I am going to get a divorce. The fertility specialist said, "When you are ready to get pregnant, you will have to come back and do x, y, and z in order to get pregnant."

Imagine my surprise years later when my pants all of a sudden wouldn't button. The timing was not good and my life was not in a good place ... then came Brooke.

I understand crisis pregnancy.

The understand the panic of the timing not being right to bring a baby into the world. I remember being pregnant with a man that was not happy or supportive of the pregnancy and moving back to my parents house until my baby arrived. I remember the broken dreams I had of only wanting to be married and now I was about to have two children by two different men and doing it alone. I remember just getting by and worrying about how I was going to manage diapers, formula, and the high costs of daycare. I remember how hard it was to be a young, a single mom working full-time and raising two babies with no help and two difficult dads to deal with.

I'm not the married Christian woman volunteering who cannot relate. I am a single Christian woman who says I know, I remember, I understand.

I can't wait to share the golden nuggets of what I am learning.

His Paw in My Hand

When David walks in the door, Sammy Blue is all about daddy and daddy is all about Sammy Blue.

Sammy is "our" baby together.

Always playtime first, then Sammy stays close to daddy and was half asleep on his lap yesterday afternoon when Sammy reached his paw out to me intentionally placing it in my hand to be held and he left it there while he was laying down.

I have held and rubbed his little paws since he was 8 weeks old until he would fall asleep. Him stretching from David's lap to put his paw in my hand made me realize what a happy little life he has. Happy and content with mommy and daddy and loving his paws held.

We are over the moon in love with our little boy.

A Special Surprise

It was my best Valentine's Day ever.

My perspective dwells in a meaningful relationship, cherished quality time, balance that familiar routine brings, a few hours alone, dinner, candles, snuggled on the couch watching our new favorite show.

We passed on the chaos of being out in the hustle-n-bustle. When I want quality I choose to shut the world out.

David surprised me with a new laptop I am enjoying this very moment. I was shocked and didn't see that coming. It was fun listening to him say for days he had a special surprise for me that he had been working on for a week. I had zero idea what to anticipate, but loved his excitement, thoughtfulness, and sweetness behind whatever it may be. The boy in him excited planning such a surprise, the man in him anticipating a need and providing well.

A new laptop loaded with Microsoft Office and all the applications I could ever need, pictures we shared added, and screen-saver pictures he knew I would like.

Power-up, ready to use.

FABULOUS!

Seasoned in trauma, heading northbound back to Children's hospital from the crisis center and knowing the routine, I did a quick check: It's 1:45 p.m., we haven't had lunch, it's going to be a long afternoon. I had better get an emergency cup of coffee, my warm and familiar companion, and grab lunch for both of us.

Pulling through McDonald's drive-thru ... "WOW! You are FABULOUS! Your car ... your hair ... your sunglasses! I bet you have a fabulous life!!" This was an A-list celebrity experience.

I sit a little straighter, smile a little brighter, then *sigh* at the pretty little girl hanging out the drive-thru window taking in what she believes looks like a fabulous life and gently needing to remind her that what she is seeing is so surface.

Warm smile ... "Thank you, you are so kind. My life is far from fabulous right now," I gently tell her.

I could see my words fell on deaf ears because she is still leaning out the window and taking everything in with her eyes wide and smiling.

How ironic, driving my daughter to the hospital for the 6th time I have learned to go from broken, panic, and tears a year ago to numb, smiling, and preparing for a  long afternoon.

I would like to thank life and corporate America for learning how to smile while looking polished, professional, and put together when hell breaks loose.

The few weeks of peace and normalcy has ended.

What ... If ...

Every time I said, "if" David immediately pointed it out repeating the word "if" reminding me I continued to talk hypothetically about general topics.

Stuck in "what ... if ..." is me wrapping my brain around scenarios for preparation sake.

With his every repeat of my words, I could only think of the hopelessly romantic scene on Letters to Juliet where Sophie is responding as Juliet to Claire, an older woman who walked away from love decades earlier, when her own "what ... if's" were holding her back from love.

Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet

What ... if ... can be a stronghold of the mind, analyzing countless situations we weigh potentially could happen.  Letters to Juliet put it so romantically that these two words put together have the power to hold back in the battlefield of the mind.

Following your heart is always the safest choice versus living in the land of regrets and "what ... if's." There are no guarantees in life but the regret of what if when all is said and done and you didn't follow your heart.

So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone
                                 - "Compass" Lady Antebellum

A Love Letter

My Perfect,

Today is Valentine's Day today and like every single day from the moment our paths crossed again (20 years later) you have opened my life, my mind, my hopes, dreams and my heart just by being you.

You know I think you are the most handsome boy in the world and crazy sexy. Excitement was exploding in my heart when I saw you that first time after 20 years and I couldn't believe the man you became. It was your same voice, your same expressions, you, life made into a man I admire and respect so much.

The moment you kissed me, I declared to my closest friends that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were going to be significant in my life. I just never knew all limits were going to be removed and how significant you were going to be.

You are the million qualities I have wanted for a lifetime, so many I had forgotten ... God remembered.

I love our shared faith, political views, and how you remain steadfast as the man in this relationship. I trust you to be in control. I let you be the boss. ;-)

I love our routine, those anxious moments when you pull in the driveway and I am waiting with the door open thrilled to see you and bursting inside to kiss you.

I love our normal ... dinner together or cooking together and sharing a new favorite television series cuddled on the couch, happy and content being home.

I love trusting and handing over to you whatever is not going right and seeing you step up and handle/fix all situations.

I love when you reach down and hold my hand.

I love our laughter and the way you shine brighter in those moments when plans don't seem to come together well.

I love that there is no place in the world I want to be as long as I am with you.

I love knowing that there is one person in this world that I would follow anywhere because, "I'd rather live in his world, than without him in mine (Midnight Train to Georgia)."

I love to this very day that fireworks still go off in my heart when you pull me in your arms and kiss me. It feels like a spiritual union where the heavens open and the angels sing that something in this world is right.

I love knowing that even in imperfect moments when life happens, a perfect storm rages, and we are not each others favorite person, we choose love.

You are my every birthday wish, my every wish upon a star, my countless prayers that have gone up to heaven to a holy God ... my whole life.

I love you, David, and I love our life together.

Happy Valentine's Day

xo

"She Is Awake!"

I slept through the night! A major breakthrough for me who is up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night, every single night. A small sign of success is enough to rejuvenate me and I am ready to tackle the day. In fact, I feel like a shot in the air has gone off at the starting line and am ready to go full speed out of the 'waiting room' that has kept me close to home.

When I seek, search, and hover close to God like a lifeline, I am in a quiet place where I hand all things to Him am filled with peace and calm, but most importantly I can hear what He is saying back to me.

When life is loud and I am running around with my hair on fire, I cannot hear His still small voice. I miss His communications and messages, because I am too busy and in control.

There is a common theme that continues to present itself sometimes a couple times a day in my thoughts, in messages, and in everywhere I look:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,

against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12, NIV).

 

What is this storm that has hit me in every area of my life? 

 

I believe, when you get closer to breakthrough, when you are open and getting close to lining yourself up with God's will and wanting to live in significance that has become my quest, that the powers of the dark world are in full battle to prevent breakthrough and that because I am a strong person, a full out war has been waged against me.

 

Sounds extreme, but know my heart and live in my life this past year.

 

When I am living my way, every "fun" opportunity presents itself. When I am in a place where my life transitions closer to God, it feels as if a perfect storm tries to take me out.

 

This morning I woke up refreshed, strengthened, filled with peace, and ready. Talk to me, Lord. What is it I am supposed to be doing?

 

The theme presented itself, again. Is this what You are trying to tell me? Is this what is happening in my life? Girlfriends in God spoke on this very subject this morning seconds after I asked.

 

So many times we see our conflicts and struggles and life feels out of control. "There is a spiritual battle raging all around us that we can’t even see, but is very real. It is the greater reality. It is a battle that is not to be feared, but one that is to be recognized and fought in the only place where it can be won—in prayer." - Sharon Jaynes

 

We are empowered to be an intercessor/prayer warrior in the invisible realm to accomplish victory in the visible realm when war is being waged against us.

 

I think of all the greats of the Bible who faced every situation we face today. God was with them, equipping them, strengthening them, and His power in them to accomplish His will. God used the imperfect people, the unqualified, and often the least to show His power and strength.

 

I am imperfect, unqualified, and often feel the least. But. I am a boundary stomping, ready for battle, filled with faith kind of girl who hears God when I am willing to listen.

 

"Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor

in the morning  the devil says, "Oh no! She is awake!"

 

 

 

 



 

 

*Ehhh*

Sammy Blue has special sounds he makes, but one is especially the sweetest and makes me realize what a baby he is.

When I pick him up to snuggle with him, he begins to purrrr, and will randomly make a single *ehhh* noise. When he is super sleepy in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, he walks over with his eyes barely open, I pick him up to snuggle he start to purrr and I can feel his little chest compress and his mouth open, but he is so sleepy his *ehhh* can't come out. He sleepily tries it again and nothing. It's time for my little boy to go back to sleep.

Mommy thinks Sammy Blue is a very handsome boy.

 

 

 

 

 

The Month of Love

February is the month of love. Stores are decorated in  red filled with cards and chocolates to express love on Valentines Day. Jewelers expertly play on love to push sales that say diamonds are forever giving the illusion that a stone equals love and a quick purchase equals love forever.

Miranda Lambert's new release 'Automatic' touches on how hard work led to increased satisfaction way back when in a world that has become automatic:

Hey whatever happened to
Waiting your turn
Doing it all by hand
Cause when everything is handed to you
It's only worth as much as the time you put in
It all just seemed so good the way we had it
Back before everything became automatic
Automatic

How does love compete in a world where everything has become technology-based? We live in a society where is faster is better, everything/anything right now is at your fingertips.

Temptation. Enticement. Fascination. Seduction.

Destruction.

Eros love is known as erotic love. It is the concept of being in love, the romantic type of love; however, it is based on emotions temporarily, and exists in perfect conditions as long as things feel happy. When a person doesn't "feel happy" anymore in loving a person, they believe they have fallen out of love. Love is not based on the feelings of the moment.

How does love survive a society that casually says love is cards, chocolates and diamonds? How does love survive in a generation of technology where faster is better at the right-now fingertips of anything you want temptation?

How does real love exist that stands through the threads of time?

Each of us will reach the end of our lifetime. I want mine looking in the eyes of the one I love, full of love with no regrets, reflecting back on a lifetime full of memories that love built. I want to leave a legacy of love for my girls and my grandchildren that is an unshakable foundation in a desperate world that love is rich and full as God intended it. I want to teach them and show them that unconditional love weathers imperfect conditions and lasts a lifetime.

That being in love is incredibly difficult. Being in love is awesome. Being in love can seem impossible at times. Being in love is breathless and beautiful. Even when we are imperfect.

Love is a verb.

It is an action word.

Love is a choice.

Aspirant

Randomly looking through documents I ran across my personal design description that I wrote while I was in the TrueNorth study. These were descriptions extracted from several personality assessment tests that were smashed down, funneled, and poured into a paragraph, a short sentence, and one single word. Who am I?

 

Removed from a career and with all my attention being home for my girls, I wanted to see if I could still find me in these words and I read what I wrote only four months ago.

 

The design description portion was extracted from the assessments, but it was a brief slogan we each had to come up with that best defined us, as well as one single word that most described us. 

 

Many randomly thought of a word off the top of their head, put it on paper, and shared it with our group. I was the only one who said, I need a week to think about it.  This study was important to me and I didn't want to be knee-jerk reaction with my answers, I needed accuracy. 

 

For a week I brainstormed what one word best describes me?  That's a tough question and I wish I could be in a room with my readers all over the world to hear your one word description of yourself.

 

Aspirant. A person who aspires, as one who seeks or desires a career, significance, success. That's me. I long for all things great. I seek a career of signficance. I desire signficance in the most important areas in my life. My success is found in everything money cannot buy: in faith, happiness, personal fulfillment, and love.

 

Re-reading my personal design description, I found myself again.

 

 

Design Description

God has uniquely designed me with incredible faith and inspirational administrative leadership qualities to motivate and influence others through a passion for communication and my risk-taking, often boundary crossing personality that embraces change and gets things done, with a willing-heart to establish and start the new.

 

Slogan

I am a mover-n-shaker with a passion to leave a legacy.

 

Word

Aspirant

[A person who aspires, as one who seeks or desires a career, significance, success.]

Mom Alert Weather Advisory

Once upon a time, not so long ago ... if hell wasn't breaking loose, I could feel it brewing in the air.

Much like a hot summer day with storm clouds rolling in, the breeze picks up, and the air gets thick with humidity right before the sky turns black and thunder and lightning strikes. Except it wasn't a thunderstorm.

I knew the signs and I watched, waited, and wondered what new experience was about to happen. It was always something new, never a repeat of what had been done before.

Blessings in the storm is that I was home, present, alert, and on top of each stunt. 

Days continue to pass and I am seeing her effort at school, her initiative at home, and her better responses to when she isn't pleased. Even prayers and happy thoughts have resumed at bedtime.

I'm praying rock-bottom is behind us and we are beginning the climb out of the pit. As the days pass, I am remembering how normal days used to feel.

Mom Alert Weather Advisory is always monitoring the forecast for weather warnings and storm watches. It has been a mild week. Punxsutawney Phil confirmed spring is six weeks away which means warmer, sunny days and flowers are ahead and in my heart.

This season will end.

Finally

The last visit in the hospital plus a change in meds has resulted in a real change in Brooke's personality and perspective ... finally.

I believe she may have reached her rock bottom ... finally.

Finally, she has replaced her quest for destruction with personal goals. She has replaced self-harm with becoming a vegatarian to be good to her body (This is slightly annoying for this mom who doesn't know how to cook a meal without a meat), she is doing the work to dig herself out of the hole at school so she passes 8th grade, and she is working on being more respectful to adults.

My favorite is she doesn't go from 0 to 100 without a trigger hoping hell breaks loose. When she doesn't get her way, she sulks. I can handle sulking.

We still have a lot of work in a lot of areas, at least there is finally a willingness and I feel a shift has happened.