Friday, January 31, 2014

School of the Arts

Last night was high school orientation for Brooke and I'm hoping she makes it after a bad 1st semester.  The high school offers a School of the Arts program with a focus on singing, music, drama, dance, and visual arts which is right up Brooke's personal strengths. 

School of the Arts application is due today and Brooke had to write her own essay on why she wants to be in the program. In her own words this is what she produced in a few minutes ...
 
Dear ***,

I am a shy girl. You know like that girl with limited friends but, I have a passion. Singing. That is my favorite thing to do. I know lyrics to over 100+ songs so you don’t need to teach me them. Everyone one deserves a chance at something great. I just think that *** will be my start. Let me tell you a secret… I am not lying. Since 6th grade, I have dreamed about singing in ***. Also I would love to contribute my hobby, art. Art isn’t just a passion, it’s a freedom.. My freedom. One of the purest ways to show your true colors. I will be able to contribute a new style. A new way of… how you say, expresion. I want to gain not only more skills ,but I want to gain a better perspective. You may offer “the knowing” and I will offer the will to know your perspective. There is no way better to express yourself than through your “love”. But, how do you know what your talent is? Easy. A student, like myself, already has the idea of expression ,but a program, like you, pushes us the extra mile and shows us that we are meant for greatness in our common society. There is a song in my heart that is ready to burst out onto a beautiful canvas filled with color and passion. That’s why you should admit me. Thank you for your time ***.

Love, Brooke <3

I love it!

Mistake or Storm

When I think of all that has happened in these last 10 months - the worst year of employment for me in 25 years causing extreme financial drain, Brooke out of control and facing situations with my daughter I would have never dreamed in my lifetime, the emotional drain of being told by physicians and Hospice for the last year that Eric's end was here (he is still alive) and his pending death Mariah has learned to live with as normal, and a life change of my Mariah now 18 and graduating in a few months is learning to spread her wings making choices for herself.

A lot is going on. None of it my call, but it is everything that is involving me and altering my life.

I long to grab hold of one of these situations and take control, but I am powerless.

Each of these feel like a mistake in the universe. Some mistakes mean something and some mistakes are just mistakes. The trick is to figure out which is which.

I have witnessed normal life inconveniences take out others and I wonder if my life storms were baby-step preparations to handle massive storms such as this.

I don't worry about one month from now. Somes days I feel positive and ready for the next battle, some days I just put one foot in front of the other and don't look beyond that day, and once in a blue moon when the weight feels overwhelming I fall apart and spew ugly words and thoughts out loud to safe people.

Faith looks back and remembers so many things that went horribly wrong in my life and it is that same faith that reminds me that while the storm still rage, God is in control.

This season in my life will pass.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

-23 Degrees

It is called an Arctic Vortex. Frozen tundra temperatures we are experiencing with a new low of -23 degrees today.

Schools will be closed ... again ... until Thursday when the temperatures reach the very balmy 30 degrees.

Hibernate. Cook. Catch up on DVR'd television shows and movies. That's the plan for today.

I haven't heard much this winter about global warming. It would be nice to hear that while Ohio is freezing over, Arctic life is benefiting in some way.



Monday, January 27, 2014

Segway vs. Segue

I confess, I am prone to making up words and I would like to thank the Urban Dictionary for having over seven million new definitions just in the last year, which means I am urban chic when it comes to defining new words; however, using the wrong expression of the word sounds ignorant.

Imagine my surprise when I'm lost in a really good book tonight and I read the word segue [Seg, Seg-ga?]. My fingers wildly flew to Dictionary.com for pronunciation verification [seg-wey].

Hmmmm.

To save everyone from future embarrassment, complements of Grammar 101:

... it’s the kind of vernacular that you don’t hear every day. It also doesn’t help that “segue” is the kind of word that almost always spoken and almost never written.

When you are thinking about the two-wheeled scooter that is designed to move people around urban environments, that is the trademarked product known as the Segway. Further popularized by movies like Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Then, what is a segue? Pronounced exactly the same way as Segway, a segue refers to the transition that you’d make from one segment to another. Segway and segue can be just as easily confused.

Unfortunately, I cannot fall on the sword of confusion, because I did not realize segue existed.

Has a word-pair website been patented yet?

Saturday, January 25, 2014

A Renewed Perspective

It was definitely a quiet week and I woke up yesterday morning excited to finally see Brooke and bring her home.

Driving 1-1/2 hours away to pick her up, I had the usual chest pain of stress this drive brings and I was so excited to finally see her that my eyes filled with tears in anticipation of her walking in the room when I embraced her in a very long mom hug and kisses on her cheeks.

We were a half mile away from the hospital when she cautiously asked if I missed her. "Yes, I missed you very much." Her eyes filled with tears and she cried for the next five minutes in what I believe was relief.

Our stance on not seeing her since Sunday afternoon made a statement and I'm certain she wasn't sure what to expect when she got out. She said she cried every night and missed her family, because family is everything.

I was refreshed to see a light of hope in her and a change in her perspective. Her willingness to battle until hell breaks loose was replaced with she is tired of the drama, wants to be a better person and is willing to do the work with personal goals set.

This is a good starting point. Not that it may last, but I haven't seen her in this place for as long as I can remember.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Prodigal Daughter

My house has been clean and quiet for days. I call this week "vacation" with Brooke gone and Mariah at her dads. My home has stayed clean, I eat what I want when I want, do what I want when I want with no time restrictions.

It doesn't seem real to have a normal life then one specific day happened in early March that released 10 months of unthinkable behavior with no boundaries.

My daughter is hurting in ways I cannot even find logic to. Team Brooke of professionals brainstorm what's the next step to help her. Her life out of control.

She hates me because I did not stay with her dad; in her mind his suicide wouldn't have happened had we been together.

When Brooke was a baby she was the happiest next to me. Happy and content I put her in a front baby carrier where she faced me and I would go about my day doing whatever task. I remember her gut-laughing at the silliest things Mariah would do and we would all laugh just listening to her.

She was always with me. Never left home. Never ventured far. We used to always say, "cut the umbilical cord" because she was happiest by my side. Her plan was to graduate, take online college courses so she could live at home forever and when she gets married, she said I could live with her and her husband [No thanks]. 

In all her hurting, confusion, and mess that is going on in her head, she doesn't realize that I love her as much as I always have. Because I love her, I am willing to go as far as she needs to get her life back on track.

I miss her in the same way when she was little and would go to her dads house for a day I enjoyed my less than 24 hour break, but was glad when she was back home with me. A mothers maternal instinct is like trying to explain love or chemistry, some things are indescribable.

She is so angry and out of control defiant in ways I don't even recognize anymore, but she is still my child and I love her.

I've always told my girls there is no place that they could go where I wouldn't go to get them back. I meant that and I mean that today.

I will take this as far as Brooke wants to go and I will be like the father of the prodigal son when she is ready to come home.


 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Power of "No"

For 17 years I have placed my worth and value in my productivity of being a single mom and doing well at it.

I worked full-time in positions that became my self-worth where I was successful. I kept our yard and flower beds in meticulous order often pacing my yard searching out a single weed to individually spray, and maintained a spotless home. I raised two babies that neither slept through the night their first 3-1/2 years where I ran on exhaustion for countless years. Tended to all our bills, kept food in our home, always made wholesome meals, spent four years taking online classes at night after my girls went to bed, and built a stable life for three of us.

Honestly, I never dreamed my life would have gone down this path. I took on everything thrown at me and gave 100% with no help.

The most ignorant comments I've had to endure were from other women with children who "claimed" they were just like a single mom because their husbands didn't do much.  Please, do not ever, never, ever say that to a real single mom.

I don't care if your husband is completely useless with the kids, a workaholic and never home, and you feel you take on all of the burden of responsibility. Your livelihood is still ultimately shared. Their homes look as if they were established by two incomes. Everything they own looks as if two incomes acquired it and I doubt they shopped at consignment. They still had a husband to crawl in bed with every night even if he wasn't their favorite person, and another heartbeat was in the house should anything happen.

Lucky are the successful people who had nothing but time to focus on their success and a second income to allow it.

It would be fun to have a snapshot of their lives "if" they had the opportunity to be a true single parent.

I look back over these almost two decades and am thankful for the strength I had, the motivation, and drive to succeed that kept me going when I ran often on empty.

Then, I said yes to every opportunity that came my way.  It took 24 hours in a day to accomplish and stay on top of a career, a smooth running household, and raising kids full-time with no help.

The power of "No" is a good thing for me, but not necessarily for others. It means I'm not doing all the work making life easy for everyone who crosses my path.

No, get your chores done.

No, your behavior isn't acceptable any longer.

No, I cannot afford mommy/daughter dates every day when I'm not working.

No, I cannot take that volunteer opportunity.

No, we can't be "friends" because I know there are ulterior motives or you are just not really a good friend.

No, I am simply not interested in going out, drinking, and picking up men.

I've been pruning non-producing vines and a lot of people are not happy and prefer the "yes" me. 

"No" is not a negative, it is simply me defining healthy boundaries for my life.  I'm sorry if this is an inconvenience to all who used to benefit by the "yes" me, but I have a new word that is actually a lot better for me, "No, nope, nada, sorry, Ohi-no, marco polno, isn't gonna happen, can't, not interested, no thanks."

The power of "No" allows me to say "Yes" to the right things.


Monday, January 20, 2014

Here Comes the Cavalry

Brooke.

Another day, another drama.

This time she calls the police on herself. This time she insists she isn't safe and is going to hurt herself or me and this momma has no intention of getting hurt, but she is getting very close to it.

The poor police are not even sure what to do with my brat, but process, procedures, and all in agreement she is getting a ride in his car to Children's hospital.

Five. This is the fifth time we've done this in less than one year.

We arrive in Emergency for her check-in process when the cavalry arrives. It was the most vivid moment that stands out in my mind yesterday. David briskly walks into ER, shakes the officers hand and says, "Thank you for your help until I got here."  It was pure dad-mode and in chaos my logic and strength had arrived. The only thing he was missing was the white horse.

Yesterdays experience was different than all the other experiences. I was always at my wits end, often crying, panicked, and beside Brooke's side as her always #1 advocate.

It was the psychologist that told me during the intake process Brooke asked if I was supposed to be in the room with her and she told Brooke, "No, only if she wants to be."

We never went in her room and left without saying goodbye. She will be gone for a week and I am going to allow her exactly what she has been asking for, to get away from me. This time I won't accept daily phone calls. This time I won't be visiting her.

Brooke's stunt this week will cost no less than $13K dollars. It is a game she has fine-tuned with an unexpected change ... no mom.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Praise and Admiration

David's love language is acts of service. He is constantly doing things and taking care of things for me as his #1 expression of love. Besides the fact that I over indulge him in love, affection and affirmations, praise and admiration are qualities that he lavishly deserves.

We are eating clean. A lot of seafood, meats, fruits, veggies and salads, and have pretty much eliminated starches from our daily menu.

A week ago, David called and said he was on his way home and that he hoped I had room in my freezer. He loaded the freezer up with salmon, cod, chicken, and fillets. Planning ahead he bought the economy size box of freezer bags and proceeded to individually bag his purchases so I only needed to thaw what was necessary to cook for dinner

I am a very lucky girl.

Yesterday I thawed some bags of cod and simply asked him if I cook it the same as salmon, because I have several salmon recipes. It was 6 o'clock in the evening when unbeknown to me he pulled some cod recipes on the internet. I wrote down the list of ingredients I did not have and God love him ... he went to the store and picked up the needed items for our Friday night dinner after he worked all day.

I said I would go, but he insisted.

He called a bit frazzled from the store not knowing where the items were located and a while later walked in the door and prepared his new cod, lemon-zesty recipe while I prepared a new dish I saw on Restaurant Impossible.

It was 8 o'clock by the time we ate and dinner was delicious.

I knew he was tired. I knew it was hours later than when we typically eat dinner and not our usual routine of the way we do things. I see qualities in him as a man who gives me 100% of his time, attention, affections and love, and the many acts of service he tends to in taking care of me in spite of being tired and working all day and I see what a good man I have in my life.

I will be the first to say our life together is action-packed and fun. We love each other deeply, laugh constantly, and enjoy sharing hobbies and interests. One of the countless things I love so much about him is when plans don't happen as smoothly as we seem to make them normally happen, his character and integrity shines brighter in those moments revealing the man he is.

Decades ago my mom asked my great-grandmother, "How do know who is the right person to spend the rest of your life with?" She replied, "You spend your life with the one you cannot imagine your life without."

Last summer life was hot sunshine days, summertime fun, falling in love and all things flowers, fun and Harleys. We were awesome.

Time passes, real life happens, jobs fade, my child gets out of control, and he is a rock star.

Summertime will come again, because seasons change, such is life. In the storm, I have been given the opportunity to see his character and integrity in the moments when life isn't so easy. I have been given the opportunity of seeing this man for exactly who he is with rose-colored glasses removed and I couldn't love him more.

I cannot imagine my life without David.








The Butterfly and the Buffalo

"The butterfly has a keen sensitivity. It is sensitive even to the slightest breeze. It flutters above the ground where it can get a panoramic awareness of its surroundings. It notices the beauty of even the tiniest flowers. Because of its sensitivity, it is constantly aware of all the changes going on around it and is able to react to the slightest variation in its environment. Thus, the butterfly reacts with swiftness toward anything that might hurt it. If a tiny pebble were taped to its wind, the butterfly would be severely injured and eventually die.

The buffalo is another story. It is rough and calloused. It doesn't react to a breeze. It's not affected by a thirty-mile-an-hour wind. It just goes right on doing whatever it was doing. It's not aware of the smallest of flowers, nor does it appear to be sensitive to slight changes in its environment. Tape a pebble to the buffalo's back and he probably won't even feel it.

The buffalo isn't "rotten to the core" just because he goes around stepping on pretty flowers. In fact, the buffalo's toughness is a tremendous asset. His strength, when harnessed, can pull a plow that four grown men can't pull.

Men tend to plow through circumstances, while women feel life and surroundings with much more sensitivity."  - Sorry, I will not disclose what book this analogy came from.

Nor this one ...

"A woman recently told me that when she married her husband she thought she was marrying one of the last sensitive men alive. Within a year, she learned he was not at all sensitive or "naturally romantic" as she had thought. It seemed as if his considerate ways of caring for her her flowed naturally from his inner being. Now she is irritated and disappointed that such actions are not a natural part of his manner. In fact, he has to stop and think about how to carry out even the smallest acts of kindness."

This is not a parallel to David, they are funny analogies I am reading in a book on what motivates men, to enhance our relationship. Understanding men and how to move their heart.

Once upon a time, about a year ago, we used to sit in silence and stare at each other, "You are so beautiful", he would say and "You are as sexy now as you were twenty years ago."

I remember him once saying that I was the best person he had ever met in his whole life.

Fast forward 10 months later ... real life happens. Our relationship is established, our comfort zone and daily routine is fine-tuned, issues with Brooke cause constant strife, I've experienced the worst year of employment in my life, we've had a big disagreement and experienced each others reaction, but in the face of life that constantly changes, our relationship would change regardless.

I've always been one to want to enhance where I am at in life. Experience new challenges and strengthen where ever I am at.

I believe that people study to get degree's in fields of employment, but they won't do the work it takes to enhance their most important relationships.

I love love. I want to specialize in one of the most important relationships in my life and I want my life to be a reflection of that.

Enhancing. Increasing. Challenging. Enjoying.

But first, I must understand this buffalo. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Un-

Unrelenting.

Uncompromising.

Unstoppable.

Unyielding.

Sammy Blue.

Sammy Blue is much like a starving teenage boy. He can't eat enough, therefore he begs and cries relentlessly to anyone who has stepped foot into the kitchen.

It all started years ago, way before Sammy's existence ... when my heart's desire was to have an oversized, fat cat.

Ragdoll cats being large cats were one of the requirements to finding the next newest member of our family. That, plus the fact that I cleary like to overfeed those I love [ask David], I enjoy seeing Sammy taste, try, and savor all foods.

He simply wants a *sniff* and a taste of everything.

If one doesn't respond to his subtle cries, he isn't opposed to getting as loud and dramatic as needed. If you are eating in the living room, he will stretch as far as his little body can sniffing wildly, even if it means crawling over your shoulder to reach the scent he strives to sample.

Those hope-filled eyes pleading to taste and try anything is quite sweet.

Him being a constant gas-bomb isn't.

My name is Dawn and I am an enabler.

Unruly Charges

The sun isn't even up and the battle continues.

This morning I informed Brooke that yesterday afternoon I did indeed go to the courthouse and filed unruly charges on her blatant disregard for any form of authority, her refusal to contribute effort in any area of her life, and her continuous shady behavior [insert the sky is falling ... which is always suicidal threats].

In Brooke's mind I have hit her with a bus, reversed it, and ran over her a million bzillion times.

As I explained calmly and rationally ... "This is your life Brooke. I'm willing to take this as far as you want to go. These are your choices and your consequences for your life."

I am guilty of knocking down mountains and keeping my daughter safe from her herself, her lack of maturity, and her destination of she is her father's daughter.

"The courts can't do anything", she says. We'll see.

There comes a point in a mother's life when you have protected your child from themselves for so long, they choose to continue to push the boundaries and love says, now I will allow you to feel the heat.

I feel strangely okay today. It's true, there is peace with acceptance. I've been one to battle hard my whole life and I did no less for my child; however, I've entered my own new level of tough love ... unruly charges.

May the courts be with you.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Body Check

Over a week ago I began sensing Brooke had some form of technology communication in her possession, thus began the bedroom/bathroom ransacking searches unbeknown to her.

The subtle pattern was there and my mom-radar was going off.

After a week of paying close attention, with no luck in finding a device I shared with David my concerns that I believed she had something in her possession.

Let's just say my mom-radar + his intelligence had a plan in place that included her first-ever body search in less than 24 hours.

Timing is everything because I had to catch the device on her because of countless hiding places being available and without forewarning to not alert her.

The plan was in place. David away from the house giving me the "Go!" Mariah in position as a witness with video rolling to keep all things from getting out of control.

I had hugged her casually and didn't feel a device. There was a moment of unexpected shock when I casually approached her and said I wanted to do a random body search. Flashes of expression crossed her face within seconds. Shock. Agreement. Panic. BOOM! ... fear.

My clever-for-a-week daughter had an iPod Touch with texting capabilities hidden in her armpit. A great hiding place when you want to hide something in the open and pockets are obvious.

One would think that I would be better at this by now. Knowing she didn't have pockets, yet sensing she was keeping something on her. Even my ransacking abilities are lacking, thanks to David finding nooks and crannies in just about anything.

She talked the neighbor boy into letting her borrow his iPod Touch over a week ago, which proves my radar accurate within a day or two.

It's all quite exhausting to me. David is energized by the game and I am left hot-flashing, sick to my stomach with a raging headache, and exhaustion.

I have an amazing partner in life. My radar, his intelligence, and videotaping witness Mariah makes for a good Team Brooke.

Finding the device is just the tip of the iceberg though.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

In Deep Waters

Yesterday morning I went to meet with Brooke's trauma therapist alone and the one-hour appointment took a little over two hours.

Being candid I spoke of all that is happening and put everything on the table.

What I learned is Brooke's trauma therapist is a woman of incredible faith and the kind of prayer warrior (in not a Christian-based counseling agency) who shared how she covers every thing in her life in prayer. She shared how she covers her cases, her decisions, and her moving forward actions in prayer. How when she leans over to pull them in for a hug, touches their shoulder, and makes a touching contact with them ... it is her quick excuse to put hands on them and say a quick prayer.

She shared how she has two special cases, one being Brooke she has been in a lot of prayer with to put in place the God's best case worker for her. When given the case loads, her perfect fit excitedly accepted Brooke's and the other case she had prayed about. And we happen to really like our new case worker.

Being able to be candid, brutally honest (because brutal was the honesty), open in my faith and my feelings as a mom who dearly loves my difficult child was God's intervention.

I'm thankful she didn't have an appointment directly after mine and cared enough to cover all that needed said in an open forum verifying we are on the same page.  I'm blessed that my daughter's trauma therapist has been a God-send and a prayer warrior who is prayerfully-based and not self-healing.

We connected as moms of faith with a mission: Brooke. We increased again our steps of action, because her actions call for it. And I drove away with a sense of peace that while everything seems chaotic, I am not alone.

I came home and opened an email that was a direct hit ...

Friend, you and I were created to do business in deep waters. In other words, we’re not supposed to have little dreams or little plans. We’re supposed to get out there and have big dreams. We are supposed to go out into the deep things God has for us. But understand, when you’re out there in the deep waters, you can’t touch the ground. You can’t see the shoreline, and at times, it can get a little rocky. You may not always see how things are going to work out. But, Scripture tells us that deep calls to deep. In other words, God is the one who has called you to the deep waters. He is with you, and He knows there are deep things on the inside of you. When you are in those deep waters, you are not alone. God is with you, and He’s causing those deep things inside of you to come forth.
           
If you feel like you are out in the deep today, if you feel like you are overwhelmed, remember, you are in the right place and God is with you. You will see the Wonders of God in the deep! - Joel Osteen

Right now I can't see the shore and I am getting tired of swimming. As a person with a fear of the ocean and what is potentially lurking in the waters around me, I'm exhausted of this year long battle and this relentless storm that has effected every single area of my life.

Yet, I still know that God is in control. I still see His hand at work and I know this storm will pass. I'm looking for the shoreline of what I am hoping is an exotic, remote beach destination with an all-inclusive resort, amazing spa services, crystal clear waters, and a soft white sand. I am a big-rewards-are-deserved-for-big-storms kinda of girl.

When this season passes in my life, it will be another test of faith that God's glory will prevail, but for now the shoreline can't be seen. 


 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

A Sixth Sense

Waking up this morning I thought of a woman who has endured a long battle with cancer. She came to my mind as a quick thought out of no where and I had a need to find out how she is.

Within minutes this morning, I learned she passed away last night.

Kris was a young mother with a husband who desperately loved her. Two little ones she fought the brutal battle of cancer for ... for them. She was a woman of God with incredible faith that was openly shared and felt throughout her community.

Surrounded by family, friends, and love, the moment she took her last breath she entered the presence of God whole and perfect. It is the hearts of those left behind that are hurting so badly.

I have blogged on premature death before. It is an earthly concept when emotions are raw.

And Psalms 139:16 says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be." 
 
The Bible says the no one dies prematurely. They are ushered into God's presences at exactly the time God had chosen for them.
 
My heart hurts for her family and friends who love her and will desperately miss her. Her life, her faith, and her God will be shared with countless others in one of life's most raw moments.
 
What is this perception that after over a year of seeing her last she comes to the senses in my mind, almost as an awareness something has changed. 
 
Maybe it is coincidence, but once she entered my mind I was on a mission growing by the minute to see how she was.
 
Perception. Intuition. A sixth sense.
 
The power of perception beyond the five senses
 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

"Strip Down, Baby!"

Ahhhhh ... spa-la-la! Yesterday, David and I went out of town for the day and enjoyed a couples 80-minute hot stone massage at a very nice spa.

In my plush robe, I entered the "couples" relaxation room where David was already sitting. Out of his element, he commented in such a way that he wasn't feeling too masculine in the environment. A glass of wine for him a Mimosa for me, I happen to thrive in a spa environment.

He is trying to keep his robe together to sit comfortably when I asked if he took it all off. There was a look of horror and pure mortification on his face when he said he had, because I said to.  He asked if I had and I said no, because when I mentioned going in for a massage in the buff his conservative nature took over and I didn't want him uncomfortable.

I am bent over laughing. He is mortified, horrified, and said what looked like between gritted teeth, "You said ... strip down, baby!" Rocking and still laughing, I said, "I never said that!" 

He explained when the spa technician showed him to the men's locker room, I said it while I was walking away. In fairness to him, it does sound like something that I would say, but what I meant was get in your comfy robe, see you in the relaxation room.

The relaxation room is the quiet room where one listens to soft music, sips a beverage of choice, and relaxes in anticipation of an upcoming spa treatment.

The relaxation room was shattered by his mortification and my uncontrolled laughter. Note to self, he trusted and listened well to what I said in an environment he was most uncomfortable in. Look at me respecting him though and dressing modestly to ease his uncertainty.

What we had was a lack of communication and 80-minutes of hot stone massage pampering.

Oh My Sweet Girl

Mariah was sharing a conversation with me she had with another person, telling them that when she graduates she would like to get her own place since she will be paying all her own bills anyway.

I started laughing out loud at her cluelessness and she was instantly aggravated.

She gets extremely aggravated, emotional, and teary-eyed when the topic of bills comes up. She is aware that when she graduates from high school in May (3 months shy of turning 19 years old) she will be responsible for her cell phone bill, her car insurance (on my car that she drives full-time at no expense to her), and $100 per month as her contribution to the household fund for food.

She is distraught and feels as if she mind as well have her own place.

Today I will be writing two lists for her: Her list of three expenses living at home versus the list of expenses if she chooses to rent her own place, all-inclusive of every utility on top of needing furniture to get started, setting up a kitchen and bathroom, personal needs, and her option of would she like to watch tv and have internet and and have any money left for or a beverage at Starbucks.

I'm certain life will feel as if it is over before it really begins.

Oh my sweet girl, I'm sensing this conversation is going to turn overwhelming and the tears will flow today.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

So Last Year

As the day progressed New Years Eve I could feel the growing anticipation of 2013 coming to an end. Stress was fading and hope was filling its place.

I did Mariah's hair and make-up for a masquerade party ...


Sammy Blue looked like Baby New Year ...


Brooke surprisingly ended up spending the whole evening at the neighbor kids house watching movies and playing games, which made for a quiet 1st New Years Eve celebration for David and me.

Unplanned. Unexpected. Peaceful. Quiet. Together. The perfect combination of wonderful!

Dinner by candlelight, running to a friends NYE party for an hour, back home to watch an episode of Boardwalk Empire took us to 10 minutes until midnight.

As the countdown began I thanked God for every blessing in my life.

Ten, nine, eight, seven (look at this most handsome man next to me), six, five, four, (thank you, God, that I am entering 2014 beside him), three, two, one ...

Of all things starting a new year at the stroke of midnight perfectly is kissing my best friend whom I love.

Waking up New Years Day I looked at my iPhone that reflected Jan 1 ...


A new year, a fresh start, countless opportunities.

Even though trouble in 2013 was only days, weeks, and months behind me, it is so last year.

Happy New Year