A Perfect Evening

It is Spring Break. 

Brooke is in Florida with Grammy & Papa, having a wonderful time and being entertained endlessly.  Mariah and I had a couple of fun days together talking, laughing, playing tennis and lots of driving. My new exec is out of the country on vacation, so my Spring Break is felt at home and in the office.  A wonderful week!

Last night began my days with just Billy & me. Yesterday I pondered our upcoming alone time, excitedly anticipating if we will keep it normal, yet alone, or do something a little different.  I like to keep things fresh!

As a natural party, campaign, social activity coordinator, I often tap into God for supernatural powers to make things magical. I wasn’t sure what I was up for and pulled my trump card, God. 

I have to apologize, while the rest of northeastern Ohio was put out by the snow storm we had, it was the perfect touch for our evening!  Billy & I both love winter wonderlands!

The house is quiet with music playing softly in the background. Ahhhhh … alone time!

Just the right lighting added ambiance to our quite impressive dinner presentation that had him complimenting the chef.  *smile*

The snow is falling like a heavy blanket, too beautiful to close the window coverings.

*Our view across the street from my home.

A fire is dancing in the fireplace, putting warmth and a warm glow as the only light in the house.

We talk for hours.

Snuggled on the couch, he holds both my hands when he talks to me. This is his way of being completely engaged and assuring we are in tune to one another. It is holding hands and talking at a deeper level. He loves to talk and communicate, a quality that I love so much about him.

I put on a comedy movie and his laughter is music to my ears.  A winter wonderland. A dancing fire. Laughter. Conversation. A perfect evening.

God is quite the evening planner Himself!

Our future is full of unknowns. The future is not here. While the future may be out of our hands, it is not out of the hands of our faithful and trustworthy God. God already knows our unknown circumstances. It is for me to move forward in faith.

I can’t wait for tonight!

In My Arms

When my Mariah was about 1 ½ years old, she would come up behind me when I was hand-washing the dishes, wrap her little arms around the back of my legs and hug me with all her might!  In fact, she wanted to love & hug me so much she didn’t know how to express it without biting! 

Sharp little razor teeth, straight down, biting into the back of my leg!  She didn’t do it to hurt me, she didn’t know how to express her love bigger.  I remember feeling the sharp pain and not being able to shake her off, so I wouldn’t hurt her.

The same when she was a baby, both my girls. I held them, hugged them and kissed them constantly!  Both girls loved to give kisses and would often chomp down when they wanted express more love.

Fast forward 15 years … my Mariah and me standing in the kitchen last night laughing and talking about everything.  Every few minutes she would walk into my arms for hugs.

My beautiful teenager daughter, dating, driving, and still loving mommy time.   

She is telling about her new interest, a boy named Michael.  It is Spring Break and he is on a cruise with his family. He sends pictures of himself so she won’t forget him. He is a cutie!  She shares her excitement of him seeing him next Monday at school. He asked if  he could meet me first because he wants to take Mariah out, but wants me to be comfortable with him. I’m really liking this boy.

He tells her he wants to kiss her as soon as he sees her. She is a bit nervous. I love that she tells me these little details, mommy-girlfriend time.

She tells me about track practice, her friends and how she made the newspaper as a top Varsity runner. What a funny girl!  Her eyes light up as she laughs sharing one detail after another.

She comes and stands in my arms again.

I love it that we are friends. I love it that she wants to share all her secrets in life with me. I love that she is such a good girl.

No matter how much you love your children, God loves them more. That thought amazes me.

It is such a privilege being a mom.

True Love Sees

“True love sees. And if she can’t see, she presses in until she does. She prays, she seeks, she asks and she believes that every person is made in the image of God. What a hidden treasure in you! Open up any one of us up and you’ll find gems, jewels and treasures galore. How do we unlock the treasure in those we don’t necessarily understand? We receive them just as they are. We love them.”

I have a new boyfriend. The same boy I have loved for the last year, except he has changed. 

I am talking in the last two weeks, a significant change.

He has always been very loving, sweet-natured, funny and very sensitive to me, but there is a new calm to him.

A new calm. A deeper level of respect. A stronger connection.

As I am thinking about this and writing a text comes through, him stating how perfect we are together.

He loves affirmations.  He loves to be reassured that we are always on the same page. He loves to talk about is feelings and our relationship, it makes him feel good. How funny is that for a guy?!

The world hears a loud person in talk and personality. I hear his heart, his sweet & sensitive nature. I hear the boy in him that shouts “look at me and what I am doing good!” I lavishly express words of affirmations and I can see him clinging to words he has never heard before and life changing.

In two weeks we will celebrate our 1 year anniversary. This boy is my best friend and I still have such a crush on him!

I want to ask what the significant change in the last couple of weeks is about? I want to know what happened to him at what specific moment that made him an even more loving and deeper person?

I hear a gentle and constant whisper, “It is not for you to know every detail.”

I’m betting, Billy doesn’t know the answer himself. Some things in life are unexplainable.

Feeding & Seeing

I have learned a lot about God lately.

I experience and witness His promises daily and as I reflect through the years, but my closest walk with Him has been most recently.

As a natural “I can handle anything/everything” girl, it takes a hearty trauma to slow me down or stop me dead in my tracks.  That is both good and bad.

The good part is my solid foundation in my faith that I know who to seek and who cling to!  I can honestly say, I would rather have experienced and learned what I have than to not know any better.

I love the immediate gratification of God in my seeking him.

I love His subtle and not so subtle ways He communicates with me. He is a witty God. He is a lavishly loving God. He is a God that meets me where ever I am, any way He desires. 

It is a true love relationship I have with Him.  

I love seeing supernatural transformations that make no sense from my human perspective.  Answer’s to fervent prayers.

One of my favorite authors, Sharon Jaynes, beautifully describes today the difference in really knowing Him …

Seek Me with Your Whole Heart

God promised, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13 NIV). This is more than a casual glance before heading off to work or to carpool in the morning. It’s more than a hit and run encounter with God. He desires to speak to us through the pages of our Bibles and it requires meditating and seeking God with our whole hearts.

Jesus told His followers, “If you abide in my Word then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32 NIV).  Abide means to continue in, to tarry, to dwell, to remain. It is not reading the Scripture for information, but for transformation. There are many scholars who have read the Bible for information but have never entered into a relationship with Jesus Christ. This reminds me of the difference between the woman who memorizes a menu at a restaurant and a woman who enjoys the food. Only one gets fed.

Let me ask you, who can describe a sunset more accurately – a blind person who has read all about sunsets (what causes the colors, the time of day they occur, the effect of clouds on the hues) or the person who had seen and experienced the vibrant oranges, blues, pinks and purples painted across the sky as the sun creeps below the horizon and the rays play peek-a-boo behind the scattered clouds? I dare say the one who has experienced the sunset for herself.  When we study God’s Word and couple that with listening to His voice, we will come to know Him on a much more intimate level than a Bible scholar who has studied the words on the page but has never taken the time to converse with the Author Himself.

Jesus told us that when we abide in God’s Word, we will become a disciple, a learner, and an imitator of the Teacher himself (John 8:31).  One thing I’ve noticed through the years, a Bible that is falling apart usually belongs to a person who isn’t!

Temptation

Life is good.  Full of magical moments, great laughs with friends, new opportunities that challenge & stimulate my mind, sunny days and spring around the corner.

In the midst of the fun, I miss the direct connection I felt with God during my sitting still. 

I miss the magical highlighter moments when I am seeking Him and He whispers back.  I miss the fulfillment of reading amazing Christian female authors who put words I long to hear in a book that I can pick up when I make the time.

I find myself making time again for the quiet moments and reading. It is my fresh perspective, it is my balance.  I crave this time.

As I find my balance, something else is going on. Temptation.

Temptation is not a subtle knock at my door.

Temptation is a spotlight, shining on a platform with a twirling disco ball & fruity drinks that shouts come and dance!

Temptation is embracing being single and living all the pro’s of being single to the fullest!  I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. I make my own rules and am accountable to no one. If I want to do it, I do. My freedoms are greater now that my girls are older, too.

Temptation is watching the Top 10 Beaches & the Top 10 Spring Break Destinations with my Mariah. A walk down memory lane makes smile.

My Mariah has asked for a couple of years now for me to take her on a top 10 beach destination Spring Break.  My going on 16 year old thinks nothing would be more FUN than Spring Break with me, her mom!  This mom knows how to have fun and my girls know it! 

She is pinning me down to when I will take her on a Cancun Spring Break.  Are you kidding?  When she is 16?  No, you won’t be able to go to the clubs.  When she is 18?  Yah, but then I will have to be in “mom-mode” which won’t be fun for me. 

Cancun for Spring Break, again?  I feel 40 going on 20 just thinking about it! 

Like a kid in a candy store, unlimited options and I know everything tastes yummy!

I hear a still small voice, “This is not the way it is supposed to be.”

Temptations dance in front of me.  Temptations are bigger when I am trying harder to do what is truly right.

“Lead me not to temptation, I can find the way myself.”

Driver's Temps

A milestone reached. My Mariah, pure happiness!

Driver’s education over spring break had to be canceled due to track practice & meets all week. Mariah was devastated!

She has counted down the years, months and weeks to when she could get her drivers license.  I can relate!  I was on top of my driver’s education course at her age to ensure at age 15 ½ years I had my temps and my 16^th birthday I had my official license.

Driver’s ed can’t happen over spring break.  Just having her temps is peace of mind. She is now totally okay in waiting till summer for her class.

We walk into the BMV and I announce to the officer behind the counter, “Today is a VERY special day!” Yes, he can tell why we are there.  Mariah is BEAMING!

The test is nothing to my over-studied little girl. See, I knew she had study power in her! 

I tossed her the keys and said she can drive home!  Here are the highlights of her 1^st driving experience, on the road with real cars:

“Mariah, stop driving with both feet.” “Mariah, you cannot have one foot on the gas and one foot on the break.” “Mariah, drive only with your right foot. Push either the accelerator or the brake.”  “Mariah! IF you touch the brake with your left foot again, you will NEVER drive this car again!”  That worked!  She now drives with her right foot only.

Mariah is a little heavy-footed on the brakes, I think I am getting whiplash!  Let’s practice in parking lots first.

Mariah enjoys parking the car in spaces and backing it up.  She identifies a special space she will conquer, pulls carefully into it and shouts proudly “Boo-yah!”  I say, “Okayyy, put it in park, walk around the car and look.”

She now realizes she is in the middle of 2 parking spaces, 4 feet from the curb and she is laughing!  Not so boo-yah, yet!

Mariah stops 10 feet before she reaches stop signs.  Sometimes she doesn’t stop at STOP signs and sometimes she stops when there is no stop sign.

“Mariah, did you answer the STOP sign question correctly on your drivers test today?”

I did my job as a mom and made her milestone happen.  It will now be Papa’s job when he comes home to teach his granddaughter how to drive before summer driver’s education. 

He will have amazing patience with her.  He is the same Papa that used to tell me to “reason” with my boundary stomping, ornery two-year old when she tested all the waters.  Reason with her?  I want to throttle her! 

I can’t wait to say those precious words to him after their 1^st driving experience together, “Just reason with her, dad.” 

Somehow, I know Papa will be her best teacher ever!  He has been her whole life.  Those two are kindred spirits.

Debbie To The Rescue!

I am having a dilemma. 

Brooke is performing a solo during a choir concert in front of the student body tomorrow. I realize yesterday that there is a major scheduling conflict. 

Tomorrow is Berg's "Celebration of Life" at the very same time, one hour away.

My dilemma is not which do I go to, because I cannot wait to see my very dear friend, Karen.  My situation is that Brooke will not have anyone in the audience watching "her".  Never has she performed without the support of me, her dad or my snowbird parents.

I explain my situation to Brooke and she says, "Momma its okay, you have come to every one of my performances."  I am relieved, slightly.

Guilt is still haunting me.  I need someone.  Who isn't working that can go?

DEBBIE!  Why didn't I think of her?!  Debbie calls me back glad I thought to ask her.  She will make arrangements in her work schedule to attend the performance, take pictures and bring Brooke home.  

Debbie reminds me that she always promised Keith she would look after Brooke if anything ever happened to him.  She is just like a step-mom and has been there from the beginning of her life.  I reflect back for a moment to many, many years ago ... it wasn't always this way. 

I truly am so thankful for Debbie.

Brooke and I went dress shopping and bought two beautiful dresses and a pair of pretty black shoes.  Brooke is so excited and states she feels like a princess!

Tomorrow Brooke will sing front stage:

I see trees of green, red roses too,
I see them bloom for me and you,
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world ...

I hope her daddy is watching down on her from heaven.

{The Secret Place}

A devotion written in SheSeeks.org …

I want to tell you about a friend of mine named Autumn.

She's a beautiful African-American college student who just recently made the dean's list. Her life consists of many common things: school, work, friends, and studying. On the outside, she looks like a thriving 20-something woman.

But there's something in the corner of her soul that she's kept secret for almost a year.

Autumn was raped. And not by a stranger, but by a friend.

It shouldn't have happened to her. Going to a friend's house to watch a movie seemed like such a normal thing. Society tells us to expect danger and harm while walking down a dark street alone, not in a safe place with someone she knew.

But things got difficult when he started touching her, and then tried to kiss her, as she pushed him away. When she refused to have sex with him, it made him angry. So he raped her.

It is the same scene shocking statistics tell us is played out every two minutes in America, alone.

Autumn told me that getting over the rape was hard but what was worse was the shame that came from it. Shame convinced her that people would blame her or wouldn't believe her. She decided it was better to lock this piece of life up for a very long time.

But Autumn has decided that she doesn't want to be overcome by shame anymore.

She hears the voice of God say to her:

This was not your fault. [1Corithians 5: 1,5]

I see your pain. [Psalm 34:18]

You are not alone. [Isaiah 41:10]

Autumn's story inspires me to understand the truth: what was meant for evil, God can use for good. [Romans 8:28] Sometimes, I just don't get why things happen the way they do. It doesn't seem right -- no one should have to go through this.

But as I type this out I cannot help but think that...

Maybe today someone else will read this story and unlock a secret. Maybe today a woman will open herself to God who will speak these same comforting truths to her heart and she will begin healing. Maybe today a life will be changed forever because of the willingness of one girl to share her story with others.

Maybe today. Maybe you.
 _______________________________  

Here is my own personal story … I have had this happen to me twice.

I don’t think about it until I read stories like this, then the memories play through my mind.  In one situation a particular song is played on the radio and it takes me back.  The song and/or the musicians name.  Being older I reflect back at a much younger girl very different than I am now. 

Unlike most girls, it did not traumatize me at all.  How strange is that to admit?  I simply put it into a category of do not put myself in those circumstances again.

It is both experience and a teaching tool for my teen and tween in their upcoming dating years.  I actually think about it more now that my Mariah is entering her dating years.

I am not a mom that says here are nice-girl boundaries, just say no!

I am a mom who says, these are the situations you will find yourself in and here are several ways to best handle the situation.

New Beginnings

Karen and I finally had our moment to really talk yesterday.  Her husband Berg (Bill) passed away March 11, 2011 only two days after Hospice came into their home.

How I desperately wish I could have been with her during this time, but Karen will be coming to town this Thursday for Berg’s celebration of life!

She told me about their final days and moments, we cried.  We talked about the memories through the years and all the funny things that happened and we also laughed.

Karen is one of a kind!  God truly broke the mold after he created her.  Karen gave me the heads up that she cut her hair off, its short and she hates it!  She did it as an act of love and sacrifice when Berg was facing chemotherapy.  Of course Berg went through chemo and didn’t lose a single hair himself! What are the odds? That is a classic Karen story, exactly what would happen to her.  Her hair sacrificing days are over!

Karen has amazing faith.  She always has.  She is a rock in life that others brace them selves to. She told me through the whole horrible nightmare of Berg’s fight against pancreatic cancer, ultimately losing his life to it, how her faith strengthened and her walk with God grew closer than ever in her life.

I am relating. The months following Keith’s suicide, my relationship with Billy temporarily severed, the financial loss of child support, a car accident, major changes in the office, life knocked the wind out of me.

In the face of deep sorrow I was given my greatest opportunity to grow closer to God. Finding comfort only in the shadow of the Almighty. 

What was meant to blindside me made me stronger. What was meant to be a loss became a gain! Doors of opportunity opened that I would have not have experienced otherwise.

Today I find myself in a much better place than where I was before.

So many times in life we find ourselves in situations by choice or not by choice. Indeed, it is a path where we really find out who we are.

I understand at the deepest level what Karen was saying.

Life is constantly presenting to us new beginnings. I wake up every day to a familiar path, knowing that tomorrow there will be new paths.

New paths do not frighten me. God has brought me safely through unthinkable situations. 

My dad has always said that I am the only person he knows that can fall into a pile of sh** and come out smelling like a rose.  I love my dad!

I embrace the adventures that tomorrow’s new paths bring.  I am always up for a good challenge.  Even when the going gets challenging in life’s journey, I have an amazing God that knows where I have been and knows where I am going.  He is unchangeable, unshakeable, unstoppable and unsurpriseable.  It’s a good thing, because life continues to surprise the heck out of me!

Karen is also a storm survivor. What a lavishly loving God we have to grow wings in the face of adversity.  

GPA 3.84

Six courses to go until I graduate.

My academic advisor, Michelle who is simply wonderful, called to see if I was ready to begin courses again from my three month hiatus. 

It is an early Saturday morning and I am lamenting over my next course, a dreaded mathematics course that I have put off as long as I could.

I am waiting for “a sign” to tell me I don’t have to do this, but it is no where to be found.

Michelle knows I loathe math and how passionately I feel about not dropping my GPA for a course that I have no desire to know at 40 years old.

I state I could pay someone to do this for me, to be shamed by Billy.  Shocked, he calls me out, “No! That is CHEATING!”

I present a very strong and logical argument of my passion in hating math, justifying my reasoning.  He doesn’t let me off the hook and explains to me that it is okay to get a B or a C in a course.  Even medical physicians received B’s and C’s, that not everybody is a straight A student.

Makes sense to me, but I don’t like it. 

Don’t I have any business courses left?  Those are natural A’s with no effort. 

I feel like David facing Goliath. 

A Moment of Sitting Still

Life is back to its familiar accomplishing and busy pace.  

I was just thinking a couple of nights ago that longed for the moments of sitting still like I did that couple of months a short time ago.

I miss the warm embrace of not wanting to be anywhere. To sit quietly. To read for fulfillment. Refreshed in faith. A very intimate time with God.

God heard my hearts cry.

I am now sitting at home on a massaging/heating pad. A pulled muscle in my back on top of an infuriating day in the office, I threw in the towel in and came home early.

Hours spent at home on my massaging/heating pad, under a warm blanket, with my favorite glass of sweet tea (and a chocolate snack cake from my girls lunches), along with three funny/motivational/inspirational books, and a Lowe’s Spring Updates Creative Ideas for Home and Garden magazine. 

My planets have lined up!  That isn’t even the best part … the pouring rain is perfect tranquil touch.

Ahhhhh … no television, no kids.  I close my eyes to embrace this moment. 

Mariah texts me and I wake up.  Wow, I fell asleep! 

Billy calls me every 20 minutes worried that when I say “I am fine” that maybe I am not really fine.  He is very high maintenance naturally, but I appreciate his concern.

My home is quiet.  I’m as comfy as possible. I am surrounded by good reading.

I love this … sitting still.

Awards Dinner

I am so blessed to have such a healthy & strong relationship with my daughters. 

Sometimes I forget on how different it could actually be. Last night we attend Mariah’s Basketball Awards Dinner.  The event included the freshmen, JV and the Varsity teams and lasted almost three hours!  Ugh!

We sit down at a table with three other families.  I say to the one family, “Congratulations, I hear Laura was the only freshman along with my Mariah that made the Varsity track team!”  The family looks at me, then at each other.  “We didn’t know that.”  Oops!  I said my apologies for speaking out of line and that maybe Mariah was not accurate about that.

Clearly hurt, they sweetly say, “No, you are most likely right.  Laura never tells us anything.”  I’m trying to relate, but I’m struggling. My girl’s bee-line to tell me everything!

They open up to the table that they don’t know anything about their daughter’s life, she doesn’t talk to them. Another father chimes in that his daughter wants to graduate and go to college in California to get far away from home!  Another parent, I have never seen at a single game in years!  Our daughters have played basketball for years together and she doesn’t attend her daughter’s games! 

A father says to me, “Mariah is identical to you!” Another mother asks, “Does she hate to hear that?  Does it embarrass her?”  I was happy to reply, “No, she loves hearing she looks just like me.  She thinks I am super cool still and we have a great relationship.”  Now, they are not relating to me. 

True story!  I’m not joining there whoa-is-me bandwagon, our relationship is wonderful!  I let them all know that Mariah wants to go to college locally so she can live at home.  She has no desire or intention of leaving.  That Brooke wants to do on-line courses so she never has to leave home. Home is their favorite place to be.

All of this is wonderful with me; however, they will be contributing members of the household and I will be off enjoying my “what was supposed to be my empty nest years!”

How sad listening to these parents not able to connect to their teens. I guess this is normal for many families.  What I take for granted is truly a blessing.

I am so thankful for my bond with my daughters. They still want me in every aspect of their lives. Their future plans are to finish high school, college, jobs, travel, friends, and shopping. Both girls have their colleges down to a couple of choices. Both girls want to travel with me … mom knows how to travel well and have fun!  I’ve always told them to get good jobs, travel, shop, dance and enjoy life.  Boys will always be there! 

My daughters together have their own beautiful relationship.  Mariah put Brooke to bed last week when I went to bed at 7:30 p.m. exhausted.  Mariah filled in my role and did “prayers & happy thoughts” with Brooke.  My girls talk.  They sit at the table and I hear them talking about one topic after another, both engaged in conversation. They say “goodnight & I love you” at bedtime and casual “I love you” throughout the day. We are very comfortable expressing ourselves. 

Mariah still calls me mommy.  Brooke calls me mama, unless she is mad then I am MOM!  Mariah loves to be hugged and will stand in my arms at home or publically in front of anyone including her friends. Brooke is always right up next to me attached by holding hands or hooked arms. 

Both girls call me constantly from their cell phones when they are not with me. I’m glad to be the one they want to talk to. Both are a bit high-maintenance, but they are mine.

The three of us make a happy family. 

One Week

Before Christmas, one of my dearest girlfriends called, her husband diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I was the maid-of-honor in Karen and Berg’s (Berg for Bergman) wedding 8/8/08. 

I remember how much fun Karen & I had sipping champagne & strawberries along with a quiche breakfast in her home as we prepared for her wedding ceremony. A warm and beautiful August day.

How we laughed at the dinner reception when she opened their specially engraved toasting glasses to have them read Bill & Kevin!

They moved to Tennessee one year ago. 

I hate that she is facing all this and I cannot be there with her.  Karen & I stay close talking during morning commutes.  

Today she said Hospice is coming … Berg has been given one week left in life. 

A raw and emotional conversation.  The conversation we knew would eventually happen, but it is here and now.

Karen clings to God and her faith to get through this.  She needs every ounce of strength to face this week for Berg and for herself. 

A lifeline of friendship on constant standby.

A million prayers going up for them both.

Shred It

Executive decision made, the Toxology Report is shredded. 

Keith’s body was found two days after his suicide. I’m trying to get the report out of my mind.  Never do I want to read that report again.  Never do I want Mariah or Brooke to accidentally find it.  Never would I share it with Debbie or Roann.

I was unsettled all night with the report being in my house.

It reminded of when I found out Mariah DVR’d a paranormal show.  Oh NO! I don’t invite that crap in my home and I go to extremes to ensure healthy protection in every aspect of our lives. If it’s not funny, loving, or romantic it’s out!

Prayer is the most powerful tool!  I always pray a hedge of protection over my family, home, and life.  I couldn’t imagine not!  A risk I am not willing to take.  

“Brookie, do you want to sleep with mommy tonight?”  Oh yah, I went there!

The report met the shredder and I feel better.

Toxology Report

The Toxology Report from the Coroner’s Office came today.

As I opened the envelope and began reading the report, I could feel the swell of emotion grip me, one of those moments where a part of me wanted to know more than not.

The stage was being set, the coroner’s arrival at the scene in full description.  Logic tells me to stop reading.  Since Keith’s death, more mornings than not, I walk into my walk-in closet with Debbie on my mind. It is called 2^nd hand trauma.

When these thoughts of Debbie flash through my mind, my mind entertains what the scene looked like that she walked into 2 ½ months ago.

I am about to find out or should I stop reading?  I read on …

I will never share this report with Debbie or Roann. It was mailed to me because Keith & I have a daughter together, Brooke.

Some things are better off left alone.  Reading the gruesome description of a scene you don’t even see in movies, the death of someone I loved so very much many years ago was too much.  Pain overwhelmed me and the body has a natural tendency to get sick when it has had enough.

This isn’t a pleasant blog posting, this is a posting of my daughter’s daddy’s suicide.

A Date With Billy

Our 1^st date in months. We are going to dinner alone, just Billy & me.

I am actually nervous with excitement getting ready.  What do I wear?  What is my problem?  It’s dinner.  Not just dinner, it’s our 1^st official date in quite a while.

Casual outfit, yet attractive. A little more time on hair and make-up.  Do boys go through this?

He walks in the door to pick me up for dinner.  He is so pretty. 

I notice he didn’t shave. I’m not sure why I didn’t say anything?  Me, the queen of affirmations.  Maybe it was excitement? 

Always such a gentleman.  I know to slow my fast-paced stride down to let him get the door at restaurants, getting in the car, stores, anywhere we go.  

We go to a nice Italian restaurant with ambiance and atmosphere.

Ahhhhh, now I can relax. A Raspberritini, for me please!

Laughing and talking, he slides in, “I didn’t shave today. I know you like it when I don’t.”  A sweet confession on his part.  I’m smiling.

“I noticed and I love it, thank you!”  Such a man, such a boy at times.  Pointing out his efforts to get his warm & familiar affirmations for his own special touch for our date tonight.

I guess boys get nervous, too!

Who Is This Child?

Brooke said this evening she is very upset with her teacher.  Mr. Sands asked the class if they could change one thing in the world what would it be?

Brooke said, “I would change Obama as our president!  He said he would end the war, but sent more men over and he wants to raise our national debt over 1 trillion!” Mr. Sands said that she needed to change her answer, because that was too political.

Brooke then said, “I would change recycling laws because we are running out of fossil fuels”.

Who is this child?

She was very upset with Max’s answer in her class, he said he wanted to learn to fly.  Brooke told him he couldn’t because you would have to change the laws of gravity!

She says, “Mom!  Max is not cute at all!  He blurts out answers in class!”  Max is a super short, chubby little boy that sings his heart out in choir and bows front stage when the others children have walked off.  He cracks me up!  It aggravates Brooke that I think he is so cute.

Brooke has always been very political.  She proudly states she voted for John during their presidential campaign voting at school.  That is John McCain.

I’m not sure where she gets her passion for politics from?  I am a registered voter and a claimed Republican, but Brooke has always followed the news, weather, politic's, can give crazy facts on animals across the world, and is driving me nuts right now with the national debt!

I get daily updates on the national debt and she fears the government will shut down.   

Again, who is this child?

She is mine.  J

Winter Formal

Mariah’s 2^nd date was today.  Her friend Casey asked her to Winter Formal.

Much preparation goes into both a date and a formal dance.  I enjoy being included on these special events with my girls. I’m the one they want there to help them with all the special finishing touches. Hair. Toes. Fingernails. Make-up. Photographer.

Billy came over and helped lighten the nerves today. We reminisced about her 1^st date, which was for Homecoming last autumn. Laughing at the 3 strikes her poor date, Isaac, had against him.

Let me back up … Mariah of course is very nervous being her 1^st date.  Isaac, a good friend, pulls into our driveway in a family car with a DUI license plate. Mariah’s dad explodes before he gets to the door.  This kid is walking into a house with Billy & me, Eric & Kirsten. As he walks up to the door, he looks up and sees Mariah standing there and he says a heartfelt, “Wow, you look so pretty!”

I was impressed!  This boy asked Mariah out, paid for their Homecoming tickets, made all the arrangements with friends, paid for dinner at Wasabi, was a great date at the dance, and brought her home. He was a total gentleman.

It wasn’t his fault that the family car had a DUI plate that made her dad freak out.  It was the 3-strikes after that became Billy’s ungluing.  Isaac wore a baseball cap, his shirt wasn’t tucked in neatly, and he pulled out of the driveway a little too fast for Billy for him to join Eric’s bandwagon and state his concerns.

We are rehashing all this today and laughing.  Mariah is concerned that Isaac & Mariah (the other Mariah) will be a part of their friends group this evening for pictures and dinner. Billy is putting it into perspective for her.  For her to have fun and not worry about all that, just enjoy her self because she only gets these lifetime memories once.

Casey arrived and my little girl walked out the door on her 2^nd date.  Mariah felt beautiful and she was …

Bravo! Cucina Italiana

My girls and I had date night at Bravo! Cucina Italiana with good friends Stephanie, Austin & McLaren.

Stephanie, Dawn, and I met when our kids were little.  In fact, they were 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 years old.  Like stair steps, that’s how I keep track of their ages. 

As single mom’s, we helped each other with our kids and bonded as best friends over the last nine years.  I remember the timeframe because my Brooke was the two year old and Mariah was the six year old. 

My girls admire and value my deep friendships and have embraced their own. A priceless gift!

Last night Steph and her two kids, met us at Bravo!, Dawn and girls couldn’t make it.

What fun!  We ordered and shared appetizers.  Us, shrimp. Them, calamari.  You can sense I’m going to have fun with this.  “Brooke, try their chicken.” She likes it!  “Brookie, that is really calamari … squid!”

A priceless expression sends roars of laughter across our table!  The look of shock, horror, then the verge of gag! 

Brooke isn’t pleased.  I’m sure I will hear about this stunt for years to come.  She tells me she can’t wait to disguise poop as a brownie!  OMGosh, we can’t stop laughing.

Our entrees come after the bread & dipping oil, after the appetizers. Each of us ordering well and sampling others entrees.  Food is boxed up, there is so much!  Desserts are ordered and split.  Mariah is going into a food coma.

Laughter lasts for the two hours we are there with our friends, sharing story after story.  Good food.  Good friends. Good times.

Unbeknownst to me, Steph picks up the bill for the entire table.  A thank you for helping her.  She is just that kind of friend. 

Best date night I’ve had in ages! 

Tearing Up the Scorecards

Love is easy when everything is new and splendid. The sun feels warmer, the birds chirp louder, love is in the air!  It is easy to feel love and give love.

What happens to those special feelings as time passes, life happens, and someone special really messes up?

Life choices, word selections, and love are tested. The dance of time wears on your heart and mind.

We can tally the mistakes, hold them close to our heart, allowing them to determine the path of our future … or patiently wait and pray.

“How can you love me after ... ?”  An unfamiliar and searching question is asked. A deep realization of this kind of love is experienced.  It has been a very good week, love prevails!  A fresh breath of life and the magical restoring powers that only God can provide.

 

Sharon Jayne’s writes …

She was at it again.  Mrs. Barnett was getting out the scorecards and tallying up the points. I sat with an older woman as she began enumerating her family's shortcomings. "Callie never comes to see me," she began to complain about her granddaughter.  "And she never calls me either. I saw her sitting on the other side of the church last week and she didn't even come over and give me a hug."  "Benjamin is just as bad," she continued, talking about her grandson. "He never comes by unless he wants something.  I never hear from him, but if he wants money for a mission trip you better believe I get a letter.  He's just like his father," she continued.  "He never pays any attention to me unless he wants something."

Throughout our time together, Mrs. Barnett mentioned several family members and friends who had disappointed her, who had not lived up to her expectations, and who had not given her the love she "deserved."  The more I listened; the clearer a picture began to take shape in my mind.  I envisioned Mrs. Barnett with a big stack of scorecards.   At the top of each card was a name: a grandchild, a child, a friend, a pastor, and yes, even one with my name printed across the top.  If someone telephoned her, they got 1 point.  If they stopped by for a visit, they got 1 point. If they gave her a hug without being asked, they got 1 point.  If they told her she looked pretty, they got 1 point.   However, if they did not show the proper display of affection, they lost 5 points.  If they did not come by for a visit within the expected amount of time, they lost 5 points. If they did not send her a card on the appropriate days, they lost 5 points. Birthday cards, Christmas gifts, phone calls, visits, etc, were all tallied on mental score cards for later retrieval.

She was very busy keeping track of all the plusses and minuses for each person.  I shook my head to clear away the movie being played in the theater of my mind and tried to pay attention to our conversation. After all, I didn't want to get a bad mark on my scorecard that day. Friend, let me tell you a great life lesson.

As long as this woman keeps mental scorecards on the people in her life, she is going to be miserable.  And if you or I keep scorecards for the people in our lives, we will be miserable as well. First Corinthians 13 says, "Love is patient, love is kind...it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).  Love is about giving - not necessarily about giving money or gifts, but giving love. 

Love does not keep records of wrongs or perceived wrongs.  It does not involve an accounting tally sheet of debits and credits or scorecards of plusses and minuses.  It does not keep a running list of kindnesses to reward those who come out on top and shun those who do not. Self-centeredness says, "What has that person done for me lately?"   Love says, "What can I do for that person today?"  Self-centeredness makes mental lists of how others have disappointed him or her.  Love makes mental lists of ways he or she can bless others.

Self-centeredness withholds affection and approval from those who don't deserve it.  Love gives affection unconditionally because none of us do deserve it. Self-centeredness says, "Come here and give me a hug." Love says, "Come here and let me hug you." Can you tell the difference?  A ten-year-old certainly can.  He or she might not be able to verbalize the difference or even recognize it, but they certainly feel the difference in the pit of their stomachs and in the tenderness of their hearts. With genuine love, there are no scorecards. I'm certainly glad God tore up mine long ago.  David wrote, "If you, O LORD, kept a record of sin, O Lord, who could stand?" (Psalm 130:3 NIV).   Certainly not me!  If God doesn't keep a scorecard, making notes of the ways I have offended Him, disappointed Him, or not given Him the attention He deserves, then why do I think I have the right to keep scorecards on the people in my little world?  He doesn't give plusses and minuses and then tally up our cards to see whether or not we deserve His love.  So why do we do it to others?  God gives and gives and gives, and gets very little in return.  Why does He do that?  Because He loves you and me perfectly, wholly, and unconditionally.

Scorecards.  Do you keep them?  Do you keep mental lists of what people do and don't do to deserve your love? If so, you will never be content or at peace in your relationships.  No one may see the scorecards sitting on your coffee table, but they'll know they are there.  They will see them in your eyes, hear them in your tone, and sense them in your touch. And there may be a few brave souls who refuse to play the game and decide to bow out of your life altogether.

Tear up the scorecards. Now, throw them away. Be free.  Enjoy life.

A Fresh Wave of Pain

Brooke loathes getting her hair cut.  I wasn’t going one more day without it. 

While she was still excited over reserving her new Pokémon game at Game Stop that comes out this Sunday, I took the opportunity to slide into Great Cuts. 

She said she was fine with stopping there since I have done so many good things for her, that she kind of owed me that.

You could only imagine the look on her face when the beautician asked if I was getting my haircut.  “No, she is!”  Brooke’s head whipped around, wide eyes, that narrowed into squints that didn’t need words!  All I could do was laugh!

She thought about it for a moment and agreed her Game Stop excitement still fresh.

There is a reason I do not go to regular salons with female beauticians.  They are annoying as a dripping faucet in their idle endless chatter.  My appreciation of Tim, who cuts my hair, is now magnified!

This beautician was sweet enough, but I was over hearing how spoiled she is being the only girl in her family.  She no longer lives at home, but feels entitled to call her parents whenever she needs something bought for her and they do. 

She has no idea how immature she is sounding.  She proudly states she is a “daddy’s girl”.  Here is where her naïveté is about to shine …

“Are you a daddy’s girl or a mommy’s girl?” she asks Brooke.  Here we go …

Brooke looks at me, it’s only been 2 ½ months and I respond quickly … “Brooke’s dad just passed away”. 

Tears pour down Brooke’s face.  She jumps up from the chair sobbing and stating very loudly, “Why did you say that?!” 

A moment to be expected in our situation.  The pain in her expression is my undoing.  We battle heart to heart over a very painful topic we are still learning how to deal with. 

Both of us standing face to face, in tears, in this fresh wave of the pain of loss, I said to her, “I said it so you would not have to!”  She shouts back, “I can handle that question!” 

Brooke is right.  She could have handled that question and would have said that she is a mommy’s girl.  She always has been.  Both of my girls are.  Except, Mariah sure is a Papa’s girl, too!

Her haircut was almost done. Both of us caught in the moment, my tears for Brooke’s tears streaming down her face.  The beautician says, “Please stop, because now I feel bad”.  I wanted to reply, “Could you shut the hell up now!” 

Note to self:  Tim will now cut Brooke’s hair going forward.

I explain to Brooke again, in the car, why I intervened on her behalf, so she wouldn’t have to say those words. 

Brooke wants to be alone and storms to her room for much needed alone time.  I give her the space she needs.

Poor Mariah didn’t know what happened when we got home.  I explained.  She cried for Brooke.   

Brooke comes out hours later when she feels she is ready, walks right up to me and hugs me saying, “I’m sorry and I understand”.

Life is healing.  Brooke and I are going to have these moments.  They come so unexpectedly.  We will learn to deal with them heart-to-heart her, me and us three.