2016

Constantly weighing and putting a finger on the pulse of my life, was 2015 what I wanted, what will 2016 look like? On a scale, how would I overall rank 2015?

It is reflection and fine-tuning of blessings and storms.

What haven't I done yet, what is it I want to do? I cannot change a single thing from 2015, but there is always 2016!

I'm guessing most people do this assessment. I take my life very seriously. Work hard, play harder, give everything my absolute best.

This is my typical New Year's Eve nostalgic reflection and anticipation for coming next year.

Blessings will come as will storms.

I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am a child of the most high God. I have hopes and dreams, and I have a God who knows all and sees all. I am not the holy spirit. It is not for me to be God. I am equipped and my eyes and heart is open. I am older, smarter, wiser and have learned what works, what doesn't, and what to let go of. I am exactly where I am supposed to be on purpose.

Hello 2016.

Christmas

Christmas is a grand production and because it means so much to me, I did my absolute best. 

Months of putting thought and creativity into gifts to make their Christmas special and thought-filled. Months rationing every dollar I had so each would remember the thrill and excitement of gifts that took much thought. Food and beverage details down to table presentation from Christmas Eve through Christmas day.

I was so excited for Christmas I woke up at 4:30 and 5:30 a.m. I put on coffee, turned on the trees lights, lit candles to stimulate the olfactory sense, and turned on soft Christmas music. 

After I showered and got completely ready, I felt 7:00 a.m. is late enough to wake my girls up.

*jingle* 

*jingle*

*jingle*

I jingled Santa's jingle bells, the same ones I've used since they were little to wake them up to the sound of Santa. It's okay they are 16 and 20 years old, I want Christmas special in their hearts and in their memories.

Sleepy faces wake up and hearts are happy.

Every thought-filled gift was met with eyes wide open, thrilled faces. I don't buy just to buy, much thought goes into each special gift. 

The table beautifully set, we enjoyed filet mignon, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, chunky cinnamon applesauce and salad with 4-blend Italian cheese. 

Cake. Pies. Chocolates.

So many chocolates.

Much detail, thought and love went into Christmas. 

I hosted Christmas Eve with everyone over with much laughter, then Christmas day. At 3:30 p.m. I slipped away to pull off the Christmas message and dinner at the rescue mission. My message was on a meaningful Christmas, that first joyous and wondrous Christmas day of Jesus birth, in a place where "Merry Christmas" is sometimes hard to hear and say.

Christmas is magical and I can honestly say I did my absolute best. 

I asked God for a Christmas miracle this Christmas ... reflecting back to find it in the hustle-n-bustle, I believe I found it through my girls who thought Christmas was perfect. 

Potassium

We were in the kitchen when David proclaimed, "Do you know my vitamins do not have potassium in them?"

WORLD STOP

He didn't mindlessly speak empty words, he announced and declared them as fact. This realization of his vitamins bothers him and with his words I could see the turmoil he was in doing a quick health assessment to ensure his body is running a peak performance.

Remember: This is the guy who hooks up electronic contraptions to assess pulse and heart rate when we exercise and the same one who owns every piece of technology to record all statistics from an ordinary bike ride or pretty much anything we do.

I heard his words, the serious tone and in a loving and supportive manner on this lack of potassium monstrosity where his health is now compromised I replied, "Wow, twenty years ago when we were on the dance floor (we were ages 20 and 22), I would have never dreamed hearing those words out of your mouth." 

Perhaps when we are 83 and 85.

Perfect Roadblocks

My plans, God's plan.

I had a basking in Christmas agenda wonderfully planned last night and it was met with ridiculous roadblock after roadblock. Brooke said, "Wow, this has to be karma, what did you do because I've already paid all my karma?!"

Invisible walls up that my plans weren't going to happen and I recognized those familiar walls.

Then ... it all made sense.

I knew it immediately. We were exactly where we were supposed to be, timing absolutely perfect.

Not my plans, but His plan.

Exactly what was needed, more than I expected. Kudos God!

"Daddy"

As we approach the sixth anniversary of Keith's suicide I cannot help but reflect over the transition of the anniversaries of his death year by year.

It has gone from a raw and bleeding wound that overwhelmingly hurt to where we acknowledge he has passed away and the day he did it is again approaching. It's a sad reflection, but the pain feels so far removed that I find myself searching to see if it is there.

Brooke is aware it is approaching and we are grateful for time that has passed and our new normal that works for all of us.

An unexpected piece I guess you just learn through a parent suicide is the unbelievable hurt of Brooke not being able to say, "Dad."

Her 2nd word as a baby, a title to one of a child's most important people and term of endearment. It has been a struggle for her hearing her peers talk of their dads and she cannot.

I notice Brooke uses the term freely now. She says, "Daddy" all the time in reference to David for Finneaus (our Ragdoll cat). She calls David, "David" but she has a safety net of calling and referring to him as "Daddy" countless comfortable times speaking for Finneaus.

What a perfect safety segue for a child to use an important term without violating their heart. To use it on behalf of a pet.

Brooke was recently asked the question, "Who is your safe and trusted person?" She answered, "My mom and David."

It surprised me when I learned she randomly texts him funny things and if she needs something or a ride I find myself with my eyebrows arching when I hear she contacts him first before me. He stops what he is doing and does all the little things a dad does from shuttling her around town, taking her to lunch, to picking up special treats at the store for her to the un-fun things of beating me to the house if she is acting up.

They have found their groove in their relationship together.

Christmas Preparation

Christmas preparation is a grand production and I am pleased to be right on schedule:

  - Our home decorated the day after Thanksgiving begins the start of the season, check.
  - Christmas cards in the mail by November 30th, check.
  - Most of the Christmas shopping bought and paid for before December 1st, check.

I have learned this schedule allows my days to be filled with Christmas music, downtime to watch holiday movies from the comforts of home, walk through shops with beautifully decorated Christmas trees, and plan Christmas events I want to attend for a full month.

Saturday, David and I went to the quaint little town of Cambridge, Ohio with 92 life size scenes of Dickens Christmas. The courthouse was the center of attention with over 55,000 lights choreographed to Christmas music.

We walked in and out of little shops and found it odd to say, "Merry Christmas!" as we would walk out, store owners wishing us well wishes for stopping by their shop.

Walking through town holding hands, Christmas music filled the air and it felt as if we walked back in time.

This is how I want my Christmas season spent. Not in the chaos of shopping, but in enjoyment of breathing in Christmas.

It feels good to know I still have time to peruse upcoming Christmas events and make the very most of December.

Two Dinners = I Could EXPLODE!

Ladies, it is an unspoken, known rule in womanhood that we lavishly praise the man in our life for random acts of kindness and service we would like to see again. Somehow our daily acts of service fall under normal life and theirs ... theirs are worthy of praise.

This is where my dilemma beings.

David had two sets of plans for last night: time with Madeline or steak night with "the guys" in Thursday evening tradition. I threw a wrench in all plans when I learned of a "Light Up Downtown" event was taking place with fireworks as soon as I got off work.

It was a choice.

Then I learned all the events were happening while I was stuck at work, even the fireworks, canceling plans on our end.

MY VERSION

It's Taco Salad night at the mission, yum! Perfect timing. Eat dinner at the mission, David will eat dinner elsewhere and I can figure out something for Brooke. After all, I worked 7:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. and cooking was not on my agenda after a 12 hour shift.

Dinner was delish! As I am driving home David texts and asks me when I will be home, I called and said in moments. I see the grill is out and realize, my sweetheart has *surprised* me with dinner.

As I walk in the house, not only has he made dinner, he has both our plates prepared, the table set and every dinner detail covered. I am faced with a fast decision, confess I have eaten and squelch any future dinner surprises or eat with him (I am already full).

He asks the challenging question, "have you eaten?" "Only a bite of taco salad," is my safe reply. (Alarms and sirens are not going off in heaven I have lied!)

"Would you like pickles? I took two (little round sweet pickles, probably a dead giveaway).

Perhaps if I remove the bun off the burger it will cut down on a 2nd plate of food in my already full stomach.

I forgot to add, he even went to the store and picked up chips, dip/salsa and beverage to complement our meal. Anything negative would be perceived as insult to the act of kindness/service.

Dear God, another bite and I will explode.

At the end of our meal (my 2nd) he states, "You already ate dinner didn't you?" [The challenge laid on the table.]

HIS VERSION

Knowing I worked 12 hours, he steps up to welcome me home with all things dinner done.

He sees me remove my bun off the burger to get as little down as possible, nibble at a chip, smile and appreciate him. He knows full well that I have already eaten dinner and more like a plate, not just a bite because he knows I love Taco Salad.

He watches me. When I cannot possible eat another thing he calls me out.

I fall on the sword of appreciating him and fear of him going to the store, cooking dinner, setting the table, preparing all the details of our plates will be smashed forever in all eternity.

Somehow he knew from the start and watched me squirm and be miserable eating two dinners because I lied saying I only took a bite of Taco Salad.

That was mean.

Worn out from such a long work day, tapped out in emotional drain from all I dealt with throughout the day, ready to explode with two dinners inside me, judged for lying ... technically, my dishonest answer of protection to him certainly falls under a category more of sainthood versus shady liar.

He chose to forgo other plans for the evening to take care of me after a long day. That was incredibly sweet. Letting me eat two plates of food when he pretty much guessed I had already eaten was not sweet.

Just you wait until the day the roles are reversed. If I get a catch a scent, hint or clue he has already eaten, I will fall into the role of grand sainthood, love and servanthood and stuff him like a turkey!!

He needs to come to the table for as long as it takes until I forget last night, hungry and ravenous.

A Very Happy Girl!

HOORAY and congratulations, Brooke got her drivers license! A milestone into freedom.

She was over the moon and of course we stopped for a celebration breakfast before I took her into school for the day. Unbeknownst to me Brooke was coordinating her plan.

David stopped into the rescue mission when I was feeding the public and asked me why Brooke had text him to find out what time he would be home? He text her back asking "why" and she just said, "just asking."

Brooke's plan:

    #1 - Ensure David will be home = a 2nd vehicle will ensure her rights to my vehicle.

    #2 - She text me and asks me to bring home $20 so she can get something to eat when I home. Translation: Bring me $20 and your car.

Stopping by the bank, David came in a few minutes behind me. Brooke wasn't there and he asked if she had already left?? I assured him she was on her way home with Alex now to get the car and go on her first adventure as a licensed driver, primarily without me.

A bit frantic, I was surprised when David expressed how upset he almost was if she had left and he didn't see her off for the first time. I saw the close-call anxiousness and I knew he meant it. I pulled him into my arms and kissed him telling him how sweet he is to genuinely want to be a part of this milestone with her. My heart fell in love over and over, again.

Cash in her pocket, keys in the ignition, Alex in the passenger seat, she is ready to jet set the heck away from us! David prattling off a mile long list of safety reminders and me snapping photos and trying to videotape this moment, Brooke pulling out of the garage and closing the garage door to get the heck away from two crazy parents!

She had a ball. Congratulations, sis!

We Date, Every Day

In the midst of a wonderful life, relationships are tough.

I've learned that forgiveness, forgiveness, and more forgiveness is necessary for not just the big things in life, but in the daily little things that chip away at our resolve.

David said it best when he text me, "We are both with strong personalities and both are very sensitive ... which sometimes caused issues with hurt feelings for one or the other, sometimes both."

He shared his heart, open and raw and filled with love he reminded me that we date, every day. Our "normal" which isn't mundane but exciting and adventurous.

It's true. We date, every day.

We are so in tune with one another, so much alike, on the same wave length in an invisible realm that not only keeps us together, but my thoughts become his thoughts and vice versa.

David and I can sit down at a restaurant and order the same meal and beverage (of course we argue over who came up with the selection first and call the other a copy cat). Every time.

We were just at a large mall in Cleveland yesterday, walked the entire mall in and out of tons of shops. As we walked into the last store before we left, David walked up to one specific item (out of the whole mall) and made a comment he really like it. Sometimes, I just shake my head. I told him, "That is what I bought Jason & Melissa last year for Christmas."

Before that, driving to the mall I realized I was in need of a cup off coffee. Knowing a McDonald's was a mile up the road, my plan was to get close and ask him to turn in. I wanted a hot cup off coffee and I knew he would like an iced coffee.

Seconds later, he asked if I wanted a coffee. I shared that was my plan, but I was waiting until we got closer. I said a McDonald's was just up the road. It was my idea first, my treat. He argued he said it first, his treat. He was the driver and closest to the drive-up window so he paid.

We are highly sensitive to each others sighs and blinks. We are so in tune with each others heart, desires, shortcomings and tones, you take two strong, like-minded personalities and we often clash like the titans. We love each other endlessly and most days are carefree, fun and over the top adventurous. Some days we don't even like each other and love does become a choice tapping into forgiveness and patience which doesn't come easy.

We do date every day and I love that about our life together.

A Sunday together going to church, home for lunch, shopping in Cleveland, he wants to take me to dinner (because every day is a date). I chose to go home and make dinner so we can watch a movie together, which ended up being a delicious meal and a classic comedy, "What About Bob?"

David knows my hearts desires, hears me when I say, "I need this ... from you" and steps up within moments like a rock star.

When the movie was over he suggested ice cream. My favorite ice cream ever is Dark Chocolate Peppermint w/coconut from Cold Stone Creamery; however, they only serve it during the Christmas season. A quick phone call confirmed they have it and we were off for ice cream.

I can see our life together, two lives blending seamlessly into one life. Two spunky old people who perhaps debate most any topic, lost without the other, becoming one heartbeat. He is my heart.

Dating every day, what a treasure you are.

Forgiveness, what a treasure you are.

Love, what a  treasure you are.

Love is a choice.

A Dream in a Dream

Last night I was dreaming. I was so tired and worn out, but I felt a presence and barely opened my eyes to see a warm and loving familiar face close to mine. I smiled and closed my eyes succumbing to sleep, again.

Was it a dream or was it actually real? I forced my eyes open and saw the same face patiently waiting while I slept and I sleepily touched the soft cheek and said, "I am glad it was you, I thought I was dreaming."

Then I woke up.

I remember what I have forgotten.

Thanksgiving 2015

Some days I wake up and I know the mission in front of me. It takes careful coordinating, exact timing, nonstop work and it requires 100% of staying on task. 

A lot of productions as of late. 

Thanksgiving Day 2015.  

It was quite a production and it did come together beautifully and everything was truly delicious. Garlic & Herb Turkey, homemade Broccoli Cheese soup, Green Bean Casserole, Sweet Shoepeg Corn, Red Skinned Mashed Potatoes, Stuffing and Gravy, Chunky Cinnamon Applesauce, Deviled Eggs, Pineapple, and Dinner rolls w/Sea Salt Butter & Blackberry Pie (complements of Amish Country). 

Mariah said it was perfect. 

Clean as you cook.

Much to clean up. 

When all was done I had 15 minutes to sit down with a cup of coffee and watch a small piece of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade then off to the rescue mission to feed the hungry in Canton. 

As I greeted guests as they came in to eat saying, "Happy Thanksgiving!" one guy said, "I don't get it, why does everyone say Happy Thanksgiving?" I said, "We are going to cover that in devotions." I read the proclamation from President Abraham Lincoln proclaiming we celebrate Thanksgiving the fourth Thursday of the month of November in thanks to God for all things ... in the midst of the Civil War. It was a good read if you have not read it before.  

What a day! The good news is there is so much food left I don't have to cook for a week.

Tiffany & Co.

Wishing I could slip away for days at a luxury resort to bask in sunshine with the sound of the ocean (or a fabulous swimming pool and float with drink in hand) and a warm breeze of salty air for a couple days of rest, relaxation, rejuvenation, and time.

It has been many years (4+) since I have done what brings me great pleasure.

A resort spa getaway. In the midst of tending to everyone's (hundreds) needs, pulling off the Gala, Thanksgiving and Christmas at the mission and in my home I need to be a little more self-focused. Good grief most everyone in my life will allow me to deplete completely and never step up to tend to their own needs.

Day two of rest and relaxation is all I get and was met with road bumps of frustration. Keep in mind, I have only two days to rejuvenate quickly for sanity sake and it included many errands and dreaded Thanksgiving grocery shopping.

Quiet. I need time. Hours of alone, quiet time.

Not a single person needing anything from me.

Brooke wakes me up at 5:30 a.m. to ask if she can sleep in and me drive to her school since she had nightmares all night. I was aggravated instantly for a couple reasons:

  1 - She watched scary movies all day the day before; of course, she would have nightmares.

  2 - She thought nothing of waking me up at 5:30 a.m. on my day off. So my day began.

  3 - I wanted her to to slip out the door at 7:00 a.m. and be gone, which is her regular schedule. Now, I wasn't getting desperately needed alone time until 7:45 a.m. and I had to drive her to school.

I get home and Mariah is in the kitchen. I learned she was off work today, too. Seriously?!

My resolve was slipping and she questioned the look of disappointment on my face, then was instantly offended when I said I took the day off and needed some alone time.

There is not a single thing in the world wrong to knowing when you need quiet time. They should be grateful it isn't alcohol or drugs I turn to. Lesser people with no responsibility in life turn to these things.

I have reached beyond burnout and quite honestly, sick of most everyone. I have embraced I am perfectly fine not budging for the next person who says, "I need ..." A dangerous attitude for the needy, high maintenance, energy-sucking population my role serves.

Truth be told, 95% live off the system and do absolutely nothing for themselves. It is a known very small percentage we actually make a difference for. Learning about our rescue mission (not all rescue missions), we enable the useless to be more useless with no boundaries or expectations. It is a horrible atmosphere for me with a strong work ethic.

My gosh, I need out.

I know God said take care of the poor, feed the needy. He meant that for those who cannot help themselves for a host of real reasons. This is not the population we serve. We serve the already sucking the system, entitled, and will take and continue to ask for more population who absolutely refuses to step up and contribute in their own life. Be responsible? No way.

Geez, what a rant.

In the midst of burnout and desperate attempts to rejuvenate in pitifully low expectations of simple quiet time that clearly offends those I live with ... the heavens opened, angels sangs and suddenly I was filled with awe ...

*GASP!*

A stunning pair of Tiffany & Co. sunglasses.

Merry Christmas to me.

Rest and Rejuvenation - Day 2

My thoughts are turning to Christmas. Thanksgiving dinner first, but Christmas, too.

Brooke said yesterday, "Mom, I want to say something because I love you ... (Uh oh) ... you need to leave the rescue mission. You come home exhausted and unhappy every day dealing with so much drama and it is wearing on you."

I remember the last time I heard those words I was working at WHM. My girls brought it to my attention when I no longer smiled. Brooke is bringing the weight of the stress to my attention, again.

I feel the same way.

It is 7:00 a.m. and I have the whole day open to me.

Thank you, God.

Thank God It's Over!

Months of planning, the last two weeks of all my focus, the last couple days of 12 hour days putting all the finishing touches on the rescue missions Holiday Gala, thank God it's over! And, I mean that.

The venue was beautiful. The triple Christmas trees decorated with a photographer set up for capturing photos of dinner guests.

The tables were beautifully set and I was especially pleased with the centerpiece. The conference center had just bought the glass candle holders, but it was a bit plain with nothing underneath. I ordered some fresh cedar and picked up pine cones and a sprig of silver splash and it came together beautifully.

The cork pull was a lot of fun. Bottles ranging from wine purchased from the George Washington estate, brought in from Napa Valley all the way down to Boone's Farm for a good laugh.

Silent auction tables were filled with a variety of items from a beautiful Kate Spade purse, golfing at country clubs, hotel stays, fine dining, spa-la-la'ing and more.

I was pleased with each auction item description I had to individually create looked beautiful on the table.

Dinner was beautifully presented. I went with an island theme to complement the evenings entertainment. Pictured is a Coconut Lime Salmon, Jerk Chicken and I really don't know what the side dish was.

Dessert a key lime mini pie and a chocolate mousse in an edible chocolate cup. It truly was delish!

I even ensured the OSU vs. Michigan game was available to dinner guests in the lobby. 

Aesthetically I was very pleased, that part I controlled.

I am not going to nitpick the things I could not control completely, such as the registration process which wasn't even completely set up when dinner guests poured through the door 20 minutes before it was supposed to even open. The auctioneer who veered off track with the flow of the evening agenda and didn't live auction the Rescue Mission Christmas Catalog, which left much money on the table. The entertainer from the off-Broadway show STOMP, I felt did more self-promoting than mission-focused. My team who I should have known better was not capable of graciously handling the registration/check-out process in style and class. (Yes, I said it.) Each of them knew what their role was going into the evening. Two claimed they didn't know what their role was. Another two kept disappearing and not staying on task (I hate hunting down people to tell them, man your post!). One who wasn't in her comfort zone stepped back and kept asking, "Do you need help?" I knew limitations, but I still expect others to step up and give 100%.

I can have everything picked up and every detail present and ready, but I cannot do all things once the production is is motion and I am depending on others to fill a role.

As the host of the Gala I tried to oversee everything from keeping the agenda on timeline, assist with the auction process capturing bidder numbers, step up and fill in for the cork pull (during the final call and my set two people sat in their chairs as if that wasn't their responsibility for the evening), be present for registration/checkout, as well graciously meet and speak with guests.

I am glad it is over.

Today begins a couple days off for me of rest, relaxation and rejuvenation. It is needed.

3:30 a.m.

I am unsure if my eyes opened first or my brain was already running through details of the upcoming Holiday Gala I am hosting, but the clock said 3:30 a.m. I am awake and need to vent.

Chest pressure. Racing thoughts. I run through my mental checklist doting my "i's" and crossing my "t's", leaving no leaf un-turned in Gala planning. Have I missed a leaf? A small tiny detail that could make a ripple effect.

I have 1-1/2 weeks until the grand crescendo of my party. Time is still on my side to fine-tune,thank you, God!

At the mission, my freezers and pantries are bursting in donations. Over capacity. Sounds dreamy being donation-based, I know! The behind-the-scenes-not-so-dreamy details is the attitudes of those working under me are overwhelmed and frazzled in this overflow. This is a result of being a tad out of their comfort zone. Oh well.

They are sick of stockpiles of donations coming in. They haven't seen anything yet, wait till it is a week before Thanksgiving.

Every day, all day, emails and phone calls blow my office into a tizzy of requests to serve Thanksgiving Day. My graciousness is slipping and I really want to say, "What about the other 364 days of the year we feed the homeless?" I know that sounds awful.

I work six days a week and pretty much every flipping holiday and for some reason for two months I am flooded daily by people who want to help one day out of the year. Thanksgiving Day.

Oh, the entitlement and theft in this population that works for me at the mission. I know it will never end.

The attitudes, the bickering. Do they realize a 4-hour workday is nothing? Imagine putting in a 4-hour day and walking out the door with zero work responsibility until your next shift. No holidays and weekends off. My patience is nothing with them.

I pressed charges against a kid at the high school this week for taking pictures of Brooke, photo shopping them onto sexual pictures and texting them to other students. Bad move.

I am one pissed off mom. At the battle line ready for war.

Finneaus has fleas.

Brooke's new med's are working well, but I found out will cost over $300 per month and my insurance doesn't cover it.

What else?

The fighting and bad attitudes at the mission. Staff, residents and dinner guests. Every day, all day. I am certain I am not the gentle spirit they believe I should be. Perhaps, everyone needs to tap into personal ownership of life responsibilities.

I work my ass off and give 100% in every area of my life. Unfortunately, this is not a good combination to be surrounded daily by those who do little to zero for their own lives and ultimately effects my life in their constant taking mentalities.

I am tired, stressed and ready for battle.

My plate is full, my resolve slipping and I am in direct communication with God.

This is a bad week, temper tantrum rant in the midst of a very good life.

A winning lottery ticket and a long vacation would help.

Sweet 16

I remember how magical 16 years old sounded to me almost 30 years ago and my youngest turned that magical number today.

The year she can get her drivers license.

The year she can get that job at Hot Topic she has wanted for two years now.

More freedoms.

As she woke up, I started playing "16 Candles" by The Crests and was surprised she had never heard that song before, but quickly loved it.

My mom sent her the song, "Happy Birthday Sweet 16" by Neil Sedaka.

Turning 16 is an age songs were made for.

As we are driving in the car to church to start her special day with David and Alex and I wanted to set a fun tone and played the Neil Sedaka song for her. She asked me to play 16 Candles.

Happy birthday, happy birthday, baby
Oh, I love you so

A wave of emotion hit me (which is the opposite of the tone I wanted in the car for celebration sake).

In the midst of her special day, someone important isn't here and my heart broke for her. Grief can blindside at any given moment.

The song filled the air.

Sixteen candles make a lovely light

But not as bright as your eyes tonight
(As your eyes tonight, oh)
Blow out the candles
Make your wish come true
For I'll be wishing that you love me, too
(That you love me, too)

Breathing and redirecting thoughts became a battle I could not win.

My heart broke for her and tears wouldn't cooperate and stop.

You're only sixteen (sixteen)
But you're my teenage queen
(You're my queen)
You're the prettiest
Loveliest girl I've ever seen
(I've ever seen, oh)

Sixteen candles in my heart will glow
For ever and ever for I love you so
(For I love you so)

Brooke had a wonderful day.

Happy sweet 16.

Ruggedly Handsome

On a beautiful autumn day, we go out and play.

Hiking and skipping stones ...

  

... with a ruggedly handsome man.

Our day ends looking up recipes and cooking dinner together, snuggling on couch and watching our favorite Netflix shows.

A. Very. Good. Life.

Fireball Shots

A week night date night ...

     our most favorite band ever ...

              ... and Fireball shots.

Some nights are off the charts FUN!

Our favorite band Eskimo Brothers from Nashville made it to northeast Ohio for the first time ever and we had a week night, date night.

Honky tonk music filled the air and I had the best looking guy right next to me. Those lips. I look at them, I kiss them and after all this time I still cannot get enough of them. What a set of lips!

We are not drinkers, but some nights call for Fireball shots with my guy.

*To fun date nights with My Perfect ... cheers!*

Autumnesque

Just when you believe summer is as good as it gets ...

Autumn comes along in breathtaking, vibrant color and reminds us that God shows us beauty in all seasons. 

What fun He must have had giving us countless details in splashes of wild colors in leaves, flowers, animals and in us.

"Tell her she was right."

Those magical words, "Tell her she was right."

Thank you. Thank you for being gracious enough to let me know years later I was correct in my insight and warnings.

Years ago I dated someone who had the most rotten, hateful mother/person I have ever personally known. She was stealing money from him and I waved red flags to bring attention to the obvious, which was counteracted by her lies. He believed her.

There is no satisfaction in knowing I was right, because I knew I was.

My satisfaction is that I am happy for him he finally figured it out. Even if it is years later.

We were best of friends once upon a time ... it makes my heart glad to know years later there is a kindness and respect where he extends the courtesy of letting me know and I can be happy for him.

7 and 11

When Brooke was born, I was a single young mom and life for many years took everything I had working full-time, managing our home, while the endless tasks of caring for and raising two little ones consumed every day life.

There is 4-1/2 years difference between my girls, which totaled seven years I did not sleep through the night, years of bottle and spoon-feeding, bath time and early bedtime routines. Being broke. 

I used to dream of the day when they would be seven and eleven. 

No idea why I chose those ages, but when they were babies, seven and eleven sounded like dreamy ages where my life would become a bit easier. 

Brooke is about to turn 16. 

Sixteen and twenty.

You have no idea how much I love the sound of those ages. 

Power Couple

I was sharing adventure weekend details with a friend who has come to some funny realization that I am super cool, especially being a girl. [I know, right?!]

In his new found appreciation and admiration, he looks at me and says, "You two are really a power couple."

I thought about his compliment from a pretty cool guy himself and as it continued to echo through my mind, I want to write a blog post about it. Unsure where to start, I Google power couple and here is what popped up:

Power Couple

A relationship between two people who are equally as cool as each other. They are as individually awesome and fun to be around as they are when they are together.

Neither one depends on the other for their feelings of self worth- they know in their heart that they are just as valuable to the world as the other. Good looking, optimistic, and sparks a light in the world that people recognize that goes beyond a normal relationship.

In a power couple, if one person is flawed, the other person makes up for their weaknesses in strength. Together they are the epitome of what anyone would desire in a relationship. They encourage goodness in the world and make it a better place by being together.

Truly I am flattered by his observation and opinion.

Tail of the Dragon

Sweetest Day weekend was spent taking a rode trip to Tennessee to ride America's #1 motorcycle and sports car road, the Tail of the Dragon, US 129.

This riders destination is 11 miles with 318 curves.

We rode it twice.

Nine hours riding in the autumn sunshine of the majestic Smoky Mountains with stops at Smoky Mountains Harley-Davidson's, Deals Gap, and Fontana Dam made our Sweetest Day weekend one of adventure.

Xtreme Xperience

Shhhhh ... it's a surprise!

What do you get an adrenaline junkie who has everything?

Create an adventure, the Xtreme Xperience of getting behind the wheel of an exotic supercar on a race track!

http://www.thextremexperience.com/

Not knowing which exotic supercar was his favorite, I chose the right one.

His favorite.

The Ferrari 48 Italia.

Ahhhhh, the Ferrari 458 Italia, a seductive Italian supercar.

He fit naturally behind the wheel and I confidently put $1.00 in his birthday card towards his Ferrari Fund, knowing him far too well.

Happy 43rd birthday, My Perfect.

Homecoming

It is natural for a girl to feel like Cinderella before the ball by slipping into a beautiful dress with touches of shoes and jewelry.

To feel beautiful is what little girls are made of.

Then, that final moment comes of the unveiling.

   That moment when she walks out of her room.
 
       In front of the boy she adores for him to see her ...
 

She felt beautiful and she was.

Spoiled. Rotten. Brat.

In all the sweet things David truly does lavishly say to me, it makes me laugh when he hurls the opposite and says it with passion ...

"The problem with you is that you are spoiled. You are spoiled rotten! YOU are a spoiled (pause), rotten (pause), braaaaat!"

Inside I am smiling. I know.

He is so generous with me.

I love him and I love our life together.

Perhaps, I am a bit spoiled.

Stunningly Beautiful

I heard the sweetest compliment last night that far outshines casual, "You look nice" comments.

David was going home and sometimes I cannot get enough kissing him. It is as if he is the air I breathe, my source of happiness and strength, and my one perfect place in his world where magical moments are mine as long as our lips and souls are connected.

Saying good night is sometimes ... just one more kiss. One more moment of perfect.

I was telling him how handsome he is when he told me, "Tonight when we were having dinner you had a certain expression on your face. Twice I looked at you and you looked exactly as you did when you were 20 years old, stunningly beautiful."

I love that we knew each other in our youth ...

... and what we have now are magical moments.

I Am Not the Holy Spirit

I have been job hunting like crazy.

The daily wear of working at a rescue mission often leaves me utterly depleted. I run the meal ministry in a rescue mission located in 1 of the 10 most depressed areas in the United States. In addition, I am the most front line staff person at the mission because I feed the homeless and hungry, run a meal ministry with over 300 different volunteers/workers who walk through the doors every month and leads that it happens, serve an average of 7,400 meals per month, and am present for the shelter residents all day. Six days a week.

Crime in our city is escalating. Everywhere across town share the same theme ... things are getting worse.

I have lost track of how many people I have had arrested in my 1-1/2 years at the mission and recently I have been aware of more and more that walk through our doors who carry guns and most recently last week a street thug intoxicated, on cocaine with a knife in his pocket I had to ask to leave.

I am also the only staff member every evening when we open the doors and feed the public. Thank God for my wonderful assistant who is there two nights per week covering for me. We are both female.

Sometimes I thrive and love it, other times the needs overwhelm me.

I began Prayer Partners approximately eight months ago where volunteers come in to pray individually with anyone who needs it. It was just what the mission needed.

Last week I began Bible Stories for Kids, where we pull kids out of the parking lot waiting for a meal and bring them in prior to the meal ministry for child-focused lessons from the bible, an activity, and cookies & milk. The children who eat every day in the meal ministry believe they are going to church, extending to them age-appropriate lessons is the least we can do.

The weight of the needs are far bigger than me. Giving until I have nothing left of myself in a population where needs continue to grow bigger often leaves me at ... them or me.

Job hunting empowers me to feel as if I have options. Given a choice would I stay or go?

It is as if one foot is barely moving in front of the other most days and I often feel I am not the person for this position or this position is not the right one for my life.

In this overwhelming place a common theme is happening from workers, to shelter residents, to dinner guests to and to volunteers reinforcing the impact that I personally make there matters. That I do a great job.

It's like being a mom. There are days I feel successful and days I feel like an absolute failure. I apologize often to God for my rotten attitude, short patience and my desire to want to battle with many of them.

I continue to press on giving my best. I also continue to keep my eyes open. Where needs are great, a fresh, re-energized perspective in this position may be what it takes to accomplish what God wants done there in such a wear-n-tear position.

He can decide if it's a season or lifetime.

I am not certain I am the right one for the lifetime though.

I am also not the holy spirit.

Just a girl with God-given personality strengths and weaknesses. Open to be used and quick to fall on I am human.

"Looks Like a Celebrity!"

Brooke and I were walking into her doctors office when her physician said to me, "My gosh, you are so incredibly gorgeous!"

That's always nice to hear and I graciously thank her.

As we sit down in her office she asks Brooke, "Does that embarrass you to hear your mom is beautiful and looks like a celebrity?"

Brooke shakes her head and says, "No, I hear it everywhere we go."

Both of my girls are proud of me and they request I wear certain things to their special events or functions because they like that reaction. I am happy they are proud.

I never want my girls to feel less than. I see their expressions on their faces when boys their age and up notice me and not them. They realize it and one day ... when they come into their own as a woman with experience and confidence like a perfume they put off will be noticed across any room.

I just turned 45 years old and I confess it is still wonderful to hear and every year that passes I wonder when my best years will be behind me.

Perhaps it's not in the caring that removes any desperation of want that becomes a confident woman put together on a mission.

Clarity Becoming Crystal Clear

When you begin dating visions of a life you cannot even see or predict begin to form. Romantic fantasies of a perfect scenario created from our individual ideas of what it will look like are a blur at first.

Add in real life and the vision often becomes muddied. Add in love and the clarity becomes crystal clear.

Time and choices take those visions + all those little details = and blend into a journey of living color.

David and I have been together for 2 years and 3 months. Our journey has been unconventional to say the least, but what a journey of love and passion it has become.

Two hard-headed, alpha personalities who love each other desperately, stand our ground fiercely, learning to pick our battles carefully, forgive often and choose love. 

Our life together is being fine-tuned and I am excited that purchases are being made for our life together.

3 + 3

School is back in session, thank God! There is balance with structure.

Mariah turned 20 years old last week and it was odd the realization of life changes that happen so gradually that all of a sudden life is on a different path.

Moments in life feel like a vapor. My life has had several before's and after's:

   Single then married.

      New life with a baby, Mariah was born.

         Then divorced.

            Surprise! Brooke is here.

That 18 year span of being a single mom, raising babies,building a life and the millions of details wonderful and not-so-wonderful that included.

Those 18 years felt like 50, then life shifts again.

Mariah is no longer a teen, but a young woman living her life in a direction filled with the things she loves, Jeremy.

Brooke is a Sophomore embracing new freedoms and just celebrated six months dating Alex.

Mariah's birthday dinner included both my daughters significant's for 1st time. As a mom, I felt that shift, it was obvious and I was more than aware of that detail all evening.

It makes me smile and embrace the new season in life we are entering. Each of us with significant's, independence, new freedoms, and our family growing. After 18 years of it being 3.

I embrace these wonderful additions.

Indescribable

How do you describe love? [Stop and really think about that.]

It is like trying to describe God. A God we cannot even wrap our minds around.

We cannot wrap our minds around God, creation, the universe, billions of details on our earth, and the invisible realm. Lists can be made forever on this subject.

In all David's analytical thinking and logic that has served him well in his life, he is struggling to grasp and wrap his mind around the logic of love.

The foundation of the Bible is written because of love. Wow, look at those stories and people God chose to use!

The power of love defies boundaries we cannot even grasp.

I know David loves me, I have been an important priority in his life for over a couple of years. A shift happened to him a couple months ago, as if a veil has been removed from his eyes and he went from logically loving me to the indescribable kind of love that defies boundaries.

Sometimes I feel as if I am the air he breathes. He needs me for strength and fulfillment. He doesn't love me because he needs me, he needs me because he loves me. And, I him.

When the shift happened, I confess I thought he was talking himself into being who he thought I needed and that this temporary, complete adoration would fall back into normal life.

It wasn't temporary. I feel as if I have a new partner when I thought I already knew him and I am learning this man that I love who went from loving me, to everything-is-different-in-so-many-ways loving me. Girls, there is a difference!

It doesn't mean we live in a protected bubble in life with everything perfect, by any means at all. There is just a power wrapped around us that continues to grow.

I understand what he is trying to grasp, when he actually gets frustrated trying to communicate to me, but has a hard time because he cannot logically explain love. But, how do you say, "I know exactly what you are talking about, because the very way you have truly fallen in love with me, I have been in love with you."

I guess I just accept indescribable love like God, you simply cannot describe Him.

Thank you, God, for love that makes a difference. xo

Our Best Photos

We were driving down the road pouring over photos in my iPhone and every time I saw him smile I asked to see what photo he was looking at.

Each photo holds a memory.

      A special day ...

           ... a funny moment we could laugh at.

Sometimes he cringed or I did because we didn't like the photo of our self.

A photo is like an olfactory scent, it takes you back to a time and place.

Sometimes the memory was not a good place. In those moments some of my favorite photos of David and I have been captured ...

I have thousands of photos from the last couple of years and truly our journey has been unconventional.

From this girl whose mantra has been "love is a verb," I have experienced the power of true love in the midst of our biggest storms.

Love is not a feeling. It is a verb, an action word, a choice and when I have been the most unlovable and unlikable are the most raw moments when truly I have felt the strength, the endurance, the perseverance, the substance and the power of love.

45

*Smile*  Life feels like the movie Groundhog Day when the years roll by like the days in the movie and we figure out how to do it better and better.

Today my body feels like it's 85 years old only because every muscle hurts from playing too hard. Riding a jet ski hard, opened up and skimming on top of the water takes muscle power and I am feeling every one of those muscles today. David and I are both sore all over. 

The best weather of the summer has been my vacation time off work, thank you, Jesus!

Each day filled with fun activities strategically coordinated to allow fun and quality time with family, girlfriends and David. My five days off work became so much more than I hoped for and the weather, perfect. 

What did I do? The question is, what didn't I do. That's how we play.

Work hard, play harder.

Classic Tulip

Weeks ago one of my favorite photo's titled Classic Tulip fell off my wall and the frame fell apart.

I'm not sure why I haven't put the effort into putting it back together, because when it fell I absolutely questioned in my mind if there was a parallel.

Perhaps there was.

It's time to put my frame back together.

Life Balance

Sometimes there are no words ... and it feels as if it has been forever since I have blogged. 

I miss it. I miss my routine that keeps me re-energized and at my best. 

Life happens.

Some things are too personal, too private, too much to share. Only a close few are sought out for understanding, wisdom, guidance and a voice of reason when reason escapes me.

This whole summer has been weird. It is mid-July and due to a 6-day week work schedule and constant rain I have not done even a 1/4 of the outdoor activities that makes summer feel like a well-cherished summer. 

I am not competing in Warrior Dash less than one month away. How could I when my endurance is not up to par as when I entered spring and felt as strong as ever. 

Blindsided. Blindsided. 

    I still feel as if I am finding my equilibrium.

 

          Will I have endless days to play in the sun still?

                 I was so steadfast and on track going 100 mph to be derailed.

             Out of balance.

          Questioning everything ...

     ... but God.

Today, it's raining and I am relieved. Windows open, the sun not shining, no place to go. Hair in a sloppy-knot, dressed comfy, no need to impress.

It's weird for me to feel indifferent. 

Sometimes the process of getting back to myself is doing the little things that bring balance that bring me back to my center. 

I'm figuring out what's in balance and what is out of balance to be well-balanced.

 

                 

       

         

Father's Day 2015

Mariah looked angry when I lightly knocked on her bedroom door asking if she was okay. She told me she was angry and pissed off and when I walked over to her and pulled her in my arms she cried.

"Today is so much harder than I ever expected," she sobbed. I stood and hugged her to let her get it all out.  

It is her 1st Father's Day without her dad. I believe she cried out her anger because her mood changed for the day. Sometimes, anger and hurt come out in different ways. In tears and words releasing from your body like a poison because it simply has to. 

Brooke did okay. Okay means she went to Granny & Papa's house for a family get-together without bucking me and she ate. She wasn't shriveling in depression, even though she slept a lot. During lunch she wouldn't eat and I let her know she could leave the table, world war 3 did not happen.

Baby steps.

We celebrated Papa, my dad.

We celebrated David in our life. 

I am grateful myself and my girls have both men. They fill a role I am not equipped nor was ever intended to fill. 

Country Fest 2015 - Miranda Lambert

For months I kept a secret. A surprise for David with Country Fest tickets, pit passes and as my sometimes really good luck has it, I won a lottery Meet & Greet with Miranda Lambert, his celebrity crush.

I was more excited than he was that I pulled off something he doesn't already have or have experienced. To smile, speak, shake hands, pay compliments and get his photo taken with the very girl he has been googly-eyed over that I've had to hear about for 2 years. Miranda Lambert.

We didn't think to bring something for her to sign, so he put his badge over his heart and she signed it. Well played, David. He had only moments with her and I asked what he said? He introduced himself to her and told her she looked nice.

I bought a couple cute tops from Buckle to wear something new and country for our special date.

Country Fest was much bigger than I ever imagined. Thousands of people everywhere, band after band after band. Easton Corbin put on a really fun performance, Miranda's stage props were impressive and I liked Trace Adkins deep voice.

It was an experience.

He doesn't like surprises.

I'm glad I was able to pull off something special and that it is over.