Today is the 10 year anniversary of Keith's death. Ten years, my gosh how is it even possible? I say that in one breath, then in the next I say, "Thank you, God, it's 10 years later."
Tonight, my girls and I opened boxes of photo albums from my mom's house. After my girls left to go to their homes, I went into my dining room table to box up all the photos and albums when I saw a stack of cards. There are several things I didn't know I had and as I picked each card up, they were from Keith.
How ironic I found these love letters on the 10 year anniversary of him passing.
When a person passes, I believe you go through stages, much like a rollercoaster ride with your emotions. From making them a hero, to being resentful, to remembering the not so good times, and after all these years, I've settled into remembering the good things. Let bygones be bygones, we loved each other deeply once upon a time.
I was wildly in love with him. He was built like a brick house! Sexy, charming, funny, romantic, well-mannered, and magnetic and I was alive! He lit up a room with his presence. We had a little girl together, Brooke, and I see him in her smile, in her expressions, her manners, her dance moves and rhythm, and I wonder how she can dance just like him when she was just a little girl when he passed.
As I look back with an older set of eyes, I see the wild, young, and recklessness I willingly took on and embraced and yet chose to ride out the storm in him. He exhilarated me.
Opening these cards one-by-one, I remember how much I loved him and how much he loved me. Love letters, I had forgotten he was so generous with and my heart broke. We were together for many years after our relationship ended. I look at things so differently now, life became really hard after his suicide. I knew him so well, yet I didn't even see that coming.
I wish I could go back and do things so differently. I believe, losing someone empowers you to say the things you want and need to say to another when your heart means it.
Always tell each other how you feel.
Walking around with unspoken words locked in your chest
that you never got to breathe out...
Suffocates the life within you. - Alfa
It's so true! I have to purge my heart while you are breathing, so I have no regrets. Maybe that's why it's so important to me.
It's important for our daughter to know that I know today hurts her heart. It still hurts me, too. He isn't forgotten.
My eyes are swollen and my head is pounding... and on this 10 year anniversary, I wonder if it was coincidence to find cards I didn't know I had or... if it wasn't coincidence.
