His death still doesn't seem real to me at times and days like today, his would-have-been 50th birthday, brings tears of frustration and memories. This would have been such a party weekend if he was alive and my heart still hurts for the unneccesary of it all.
Brooke and I made a cake today in memory of her daddy, just cake and iciing. No decorations, but made in remembrance. I share stories with Brookie of her dad and me so she remembers the good things and knows we were friends.
My thoughts go to the last conversation Keith and I had ... I left him a voicemail that I needed to talk to him, it was about a tough subject that I needed to address. When he called back and his name showed on my caller i.d. I almost didn't answer the phone. I had to go to God in prayer about what I needed to discuss with Keith, because I was afraid. Our conversation was friendly, patient, respectful and I thank God so much that our last conversation was our role as parents in regards to our daughter, Brooke.
Our last conversation.
I remember his voice breaking at one point saying how much he loved Brooke. I knew he did.
Brooke's daddy was so good-looking, funny, sweet, sexy and charming. You couldn't help but like him, even knowing how ornery he was.
I wasn't in love with Keith when he died, but I loved him very, very much at one time and we had a baby. I knew I would always carry a piece of him in my heart, but I said "no more" to the drama and dysfunction and built healthy boundaries for me and my girls.
I never saw his death coming.
Suicide shatters life into a million pieces for those left behind. Life continues and becomes happy again, then special days like today happens, and the memories fill my mind.
It was a quiet afternoon today, so I rented the movie "It's Complicated" because Alec Baldwin reminds me so much of Keith in this movie. Funny. Flirty. Ornery. Every opportunity he would get Keith would hug me too long, try to steel a kiss ... say he wanted to come home. Our own relationship was just like that for years after we parted. I guess it was like a free pass, because we had a baby. In the end, we were friends.
The movie is a happy reminder of our relationship through the years. I choose to remember the good about Keith.
Today I found tears springing to life randomly as my mind wandered with thoughts of him and his would-have-been 50th birthday.
Today my heart hurt.
I climbed in bed and opened up the three books I am reading. A chapter a night in each, because I chose not to just read one. The first book I opened, Power Prayers for Women, my Magical Highlighter met me there in the next chapter to be read, For Those in Grief.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
- Matthew 5:4
Some may say coincidence. I say my God met me where I was.
