Knee Up & Ice It

Ugh ... a set-back!  A set back more in my mind then in the overall span of life.

A little over a week ago I did something to my knee in kickboxing. Push, push, push through it! That's what I did until I was in my step aerobic class when I twisted and twirled on my already swollen knee and really felt something pull. Class over!

I told my fitness instructor that my knee had been swollen for days and that I have been pushing through it. She said take a couple of days off from the gym, get my knee up and ice it.

A positive attitude says, if I invest those expensive new running shoes with gel cushioning, support, and all that jazz that the co$t of shoes and positive will-power will make everything better. It hasn't.

I am 110% into my new fitness routine in mind, body and spirit in the gym six days a week. Summer is one month away and I have one month to push myself hard.

Three days later it is confirmed in my mind I have done some damage.

Inconvenient. Untimely. Beyond aggravating in my mind.

Today I have to call and orthopedic physician to see what damage I have done.  I have no time to lose and I Loathe (with a capital L because I can't stand it that much!) the thought of surgery and physical therapy. All the ground I have gained in my classes will be start-overs and I can't wrap my mind around it.

My personal timeline is being interrupted BIG time!

Staying positive and buying the most comfortable pair of gym shoes I have ever owned in my life doesn't deny and make damage go away.

Today I must move quickly, face my inconvenience dead-on and consult in a specialized physician.

First, I will put on my most amazing new shoes, slip on my Ace knee wrap and go to my kickboxing class, punch but not kick!

I still believe there is a purpose for everything, even this inconvenience that is a giant in my timeline. 

My knee may be screwed up, but I still have other body parts I can tend to in the meantime.

Angry Music

Bon Jovi is the extent of the rock music I used to listen to. I still enjoy his music and still prefer the dance beats of the top 40’s.

Harder rock music has never been my thing until now, but it has its place. We call it “angry music” in Kickboxing.

Honestly, I recommend kickboxing for anyone.

There is something to be said about taking stress or frustrations out on a bag versus keeping it inside or venting elsewhere. Even if you don’t feel stressed, punching a bag makes you feel stronger and more empowered.

Punching and kicking a bag for one hour will zap everything out of you.

Half way through the class when our energy levels are decreasing, our instructor, Julie, turns the music up and begins SHOUTING! It works! Angry music played LOUD enough will numb your burning muscles and put the extra fire back into your mind and body that will allow you to press on further.

One day at the end of class, Julie asked if the music offended anyone? This would have been the moment for whomever to stand on their personal platform, protest and feel holy.

Do not be easy to offend. Be hard to offend and quick to forgive.

Like a good step aerobics class when you’re exhausted and a beat to a favorite song begins to play, mind and body kick into high gear again.

Health and fitness is a lifestyle.

Move more, eat less … summer is coming!

High Up On the Mountains

‘While vacationing in the mountains, a man watched as a lumberman occasionally jabbed his sharp hook into a log, separating it from the others floating down the mountain stream. The man asked the lumberman why he was separating some of the logs.

The worker replied, “These logs may all look alike to you but a few of them are very different. The ones I let pass are from trees that grew in the valley. They were always protected from the storms. Their grain is coarse. The ones I have hooked and set apart from the rest came from high up on the mountains. From the time they were small, they were beaten by strong winds. That toughens the trees and gives them a fine and beautiful grain. They are too good to use for plain lumber so we save them for our best work.”

This seems to be today’s theme, a purpose behind each storm.

The internet guy came to install the new internet service in my home today. He loved my little CRZ and seemed to know a lot about it as well as the former CRX from the 80’s.  His mom used to breed Persians, we shared the common feelings of not wanting animals in our homes. Nice guy. Good conversation.

I’m not sure how it happened, but our conversation slid into Brooke losing her dad and Mariah’s dad being sick when he asked if we went to church. He wanted to know if I/we had a relationship with God.

We do.

My laptop was malfunctioning, which gave us time to chat. I’m not sure why it struck me as odd, but the internet guy said very kindly, but very matter-of-factly, "There is a purpose behind each storm."

Comfortable in his faith.

I appreciated his kindness, conversation and reminder.

Mommyisms

My Mariah is getting all A’s and B’s in her classes … except Advanced Algebra.

After 5^th grade I have been no help to her when it comes to her Math courses, but will gladly find her tutors and help! She is now a sophomore and my only advice I can share with her looking at the monstrosity of her work is, “I am 41 years old and have never had to know or use this kind of stuff, ever!”

Mariah used this mommyism as defense and stated it to her Algebra teacher. He did not appreciate my perspective, but I assure you it wasn’t intended as an insult to his profession. It was for my daughters ears only and said in understanding support of the work she has to learn.

Mommyisms are doctrinal theories created by me. I have others that I have taught my girls since they were little:

• DO NOT take the Lord's name in vain. You will fare better slipping with a bad word.
• Be as good to my grandchildren as I am to you.
• Who loves you more than anyone in this world and is your best friend? Mommy!  *Taught at a very early age of their just learning to speak. As toddlers their shouts of “MOMMY!” was my success.
• You can be anything you want in this life, just be happy.
• Get a good education so you can afford the lifestyle you are accustomed to.
• Live at home as long as you want. Travel. Shop. Embrace life. No boys until you are 30.
• No facial piercings ... ever!
• Pick your battles in life.
• There are no secrets from mommy.
• I will trust you until the day you lie to me, then life as you know it will change.
• Only two things are forever: God is God and I will always love you.

We have recently added a new one in support for Advanced Algebra, “Just pass the class!”

What If ...

This new season in my life is a refreshing break.

For quite some time now, I have been ready for change, ready for a new challenge, ready to the point of saying, "God, I'm ready for whatever comes next."

I meant those words and I somehow I know God is shaking his head thinking, "Okay, you got it!"

Let me back up a bit ... throughout my career, in the medical field for 16 years and in education for 7, I have thrown my hand in the air voluntarily taking on projects that I had no flipping clue or experience in how to pull it off. I don't even know what that behavior is called? Challenge? Confidence? Ambition? When the dust settled, I was left thinking why in the heck do I keep doing this to myself?!

What I have learned through all of those experiences is to jump in and just do the work. Fake it till you make it (confidence). To come out in the end rich in experience, successfully pulling off whatever project it was and it turning out better than I imagined.

I say to a holy God that I am ready for bigger and better, but please let me rejuvenate a bit first. He knows I have rejuvenated. I know I have rejuvenated.


This is where I am fastening the seatbelt tightly! I have this nudging on what I really believe I am supposed to do and when I sit still, He keeps coming at me.

If you think there are no signs from heaven, you are not paying attention!

I have to say, I am a little afraid. I am not equipped. I am not properly educated. I still do some things that God doesn't like. I choose my sins and carefully weigh unchosen consequences.

It's time. "A few more days, please. Ummmm ... and I am going to need some guidance and probably a little bit of help."   It's time.

I love the women of the Bible. Unqualified, imperfect women from all walks of life used for significant roles in history, by God. My total inadequacies makes me a strong candidate along side these significant women.


He put in my path the other day...

"God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called."

He is very persistent.

IF I was highly educated, would I work only in that field?

IF I was highly successful, would I not need God as much?

IF I fail, will I get a "thatta girl for trying" from God?

But, WHAT IF ...

　

　

　

　

　

It's Complicated

Today was ... would have been Keith's 50th birthday (written April 21, 2012). I was 27 years old when we met and he was 36. We were engaged two weeks later.

His death still doesn't seem real to me at times and days like today, his would-have-been 50th birthday, brings tears of frustration and memories. This would have been such a party weekend if he was alive and my heart still hurts for the unneccesary of it all.

Brooke and I made a cake today in memory of her daddy, just cake and iciing. No decorations, but made in remembrance. I share stories with Brookie of her dad and me so she remembers the good things and knows we were friends.

My thoughts go to the last conversation Keith and I had ... I left him a voicemail that I needed to talk to him, it was about a tough subject that I needed to address. When he called back and his name showed on my caller i.d. I almost didn't answer the phone. I had to go to God in prayer about what I needed to discuss with Keith, because I was afraid. Our conversation was friendly, patient, respectful and I thank God so much that our last conversation was our role as parents in regards to our daughter, Brooke.

Our last conversation.

I remember his voice breaking at one point saying how much he loved Brooke. I knew he did.

Brooke's daddy was so good-looking, funny, sweet, sexy and charming. You couldn't help but like him, even knowing how ornery he was.

I wasn't in love with Keith when he died, but I loved him very, very much at one time and we had a baby. I knew I would always carry a piece of him in my heart, but I said "no more" to the drama and dysfunction and built healthy boundaries for me and my girls.

I never saw his death coming.

Suicide shatters life into a million pieces for those left behind. Life continues and becomes happy again, then special days like today happens, and the memories fill my mind.

It was a quiet afternoon today, so I rented the movie "It's Complicated" because Alec Baldwin reminds me so much of Keith in this movie. Funny. Flirty. Ornery. Every opportunity he would get Keith would hug me too long, try to steel a kiss ... say he wanted to come home. Our own relationship was just like that for years after we parted. I guess it was like a free pass, because we had a baby. In the end, we were friends.

The movie is a happy reminder of our relationship through the years. I choose to remember the good about Keith.

Today I found tears springing to life randomly as my mind wandered with thoughts of him and his would-have-been 50th birthday.

Today my heart hurt.

I climbed in bed and opened up the three books I am reading. A chapter a night in each, because I chose not to just read one. The first book I opened, Power Prayers for Women, my Magical Highlighter met me there in the next chapter to be read, For Those in Grief.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

- Matthew 5:4

Some may say coincidence. I say my God met me where I was.

　

　

　

　



　

　

　

A Worldwide Audience

This week I was stunned when my statistics showed that this blog has an audience worldwide, WOW!!

Thank you! It is unreal to think that around the world for a brief moment our paths crossed.

This is me ...

the face behind this blog.

I am almost 42 years old and next month I will have been a divorced, single mom for 15 years. Both of those realities still don't seem real to me.

Life takes the craziest twists and turns. Gone are plans A and B for my life. I think I am in triple letters now, like plan AAA and BBB, but who's counting!

My daughter Brooke is 12 years old, lost her dad last year to suicide. My daughter Mariah is 16 years old, her dad was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease last November with one, we are hoping two years to live. Our lives have changed with two traumatic crisis, but it does not define us.

It is beyond comprehension for me to think that others from across the world have read my thoughts and pieces of my life in the last 1 1/2 years. YOU are the encouragement I need to take a leap in faith with one of my thoughts I have been entertaining lately. Actually, an idea has been on my mind for a while and here you are, a worldwide audience. A sign.

Being a single mom for 15 years, I have a passion for women that have assumed the roles of both mom & dad, built a home and live life in a two income world making ends meet.

I have an international interest in women. Through my grandmothers and women of the Bible I have learned that even though time has drastically changed, we face the same struggles that women throughout history faced. Internationally our cultures are different, but we are still mothers, daughters, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, aunts, nieces and grand-daughters.

We are real women, strong women.

You are a strong woman too, even if you need to find your inner strength.

You are extraordinairy, if you haven't already heard that today.

Real life women, from every walk of life across the world.

Thank you for reading my blog.

God Was Finished With It

While Mariah was at track practice this afternoon, I had a few minutes to slow down, sit in the warm sunshine and pick up where I left off in my book ...

I knew that when the Lord calls you to do something, whether you want to do it or not, you had better do it because if you don't, everything else in your life is going to dry up.

I also knew that the thing I had been doing and enjoying very much at one time I was no longer enjoying because God was finished with it. And when God gets finished, we may as well get finished, too. Yet, I stayed on in that position for anohter whole year. During that time I experience all kinds of things that I did not like. I was not happy at all and I didn't know why. Nothing seemed to be right any longer. - Joyce Meyer

The words jumped off the page at me! This was not an answer that I was looking for at all, but a confirmation of the very exact thing I had experienced recently. A season in my life that had come to an end and I knew it.

My good salary, tons of vacation time, flexible schedule, doing what I loved most and doing it how I wanted to do it ... became empty. 

God has been whispering to me in the last few days.

He continues to meet me where I am providing reassurance that while I felt finished where I was, He was finished with it, too.

My heart rests in unexplainable peace. 

A Free Day Off

Yesterday my Mariah asked if she could take today off school. A free day off for all her hard work pulling several grades up doing great in school, running track with meets 6 days per week as well as getting accepted into the teacher assistant program her Junior and Senior year ... all-inclusive with college credits.

Typically, I allow my girls to have one free day per year. These are specials days and she had our day together planned out!

After my kickboxing class, which allowed her time to lounge around and slowly get herself ready, we enjoyed a sushi lunch at Wasabi. Our waiter smiles at us, he knows we will order the exact same thing each time. Spicy Crab Salad and a Montrose Roll, no Tobiko (fish eggs ... blehhh!) and that Mariah needs a fork.

Lunch was scrumpdillyicious!

Next, Mariah has us running off to see the movie "This Means War" while claiming dibs on Chris Pine and that I get the British boy. I play nicely and accept the hottie British with the charming accent and great lips. She claims dibs about 3 times as if we were going into a club and these guys are really there. She is so funny and I love my girlfriend time with her! We laugh at the movie together and *gasp* accordingly as the guys enter the scenes. Chris Pine's is really goodlooking, but that British boy, Tom Hardy, is hands-down the sexiest!

She is at track now, she didn't want to miss practice even though she skipped school.

Our day will end up with at an event I purchased tickets for, including Brooke, then off to Mariah's final destination ... Menchies for a create-your-own ice cream.

My girl knows how to plan a fun day.

Free days off are a special treat. It's a day of celebration, relaxation and fun as a reward for being such a good girl.

White Tulips

I love, love, love white tulips!

They are classic and elegant. They are extra special in that they only last a few weeks a year.

Here are some pics of my white tulips in my yard, before I get to my observation ...

Ohio weather in spring is frost, sunshine, dark clouds, rain, snow, hail, sunshine, dark clouds, snow, hail and the this process repeats itself throughout the day in what seems 1/2 hour cycles.

A single frost can kill beautiful flowers. Several frosts, snow and hail have taken its toll on my white tulips. However, I have two single tulips that are standing proud and have endured the harsh elements. Every day I look to see if they are still alive. Today I took their picture ...

They are alive only because they stand under the protection of a mighty tree that prevents the harsh elements from destroying them.

Seasons change and harsh weather will happen. Be sure you are standing under the Mighty Tree that won't allow the elements to destroy you.

Unfolding

Do you ever feel you are at the threshold of change? Not slight change, but serious change. I do.

I am an "everything has a purpose" kinda girl. That every blessing through every trial had a significant purpose, most often not understood at the time. There have been times in my life that it took over 10 years to understand the purpose of a storm, when all I was trying to do was be a storm survivor. But, everything had a purpose and my life has become a rainbow of bright and beautiful colors.

Sometimes God seems quiet. Then, He meets me where I am and answers my thoughts and prayers in the most unusual ways.

It all sounds so very peaceful, let me assure you it isn't always. When my personal timelines are not met, moments of irrational behavior and frustration overtake me. Sometimes those moments turn into hours and I am not content until I purge my every thought and feeling hitting a direct target. I wave the peace flag of "I am human."

I try, I try and I try. Silence. "God? My frustrations are peaking! You made promises in the Bible and I am doing everything right." Days and weeks go by sometimes and He seems so far away ... then, my Magical Highlighter meets me. He answers my thoughts, my questions about many things that I am worrying about, calms me and assures me.

One of my questions is what direction am I going in next? What has all of my life's experience brought me to, that can be used for something extraordinary to me. I like extraordinary versus ordinary, always have!

I open one of my daily inspirations and read Unfolding:

UNFOLDING
I stared into the frustrated eyes of my friend last week as we talked about her calling to write. She has big, big dreams, and her dreams seem to be coming true far too slowly.

I told her how much I understood. Stepping into my calling was a long time coming, too. My specific calling is to teach, speak and write. Your calling may fall into a myriad of other categories, but every calling is equally high when it's in obedience to the Most High. We're ALL called to ministry of some sort.

My calling didn't materialize in a year. It has unfolded during the last 35 years, and each phase of that unfolding has shaped and re-determined the final product (which I know won't be final until my last breath!).

The unfolding looked kind of like this:
Becoming a passionate teacher of young children.
Marrying my best friend.
Investing years in my little boys' lives.
Teaching adults as they chased dreams that passed them by in their teens.
Volunteering in women's ministry.
Visiting home after home as the "Welcome Wagon Lady" in my new town.
Accepting invitations to speak at my church and others close by.
Joining the Proverbs 31 Ministries' speaker team.
Returning to a frustrating year of elementary school teaching.
Stepping in to my calling of equipping others in their calling.

I've look at my list many times and thought, "Wow. I wasted a lot of years." But I've come to realize it's just not true. Every relationship, every job, every opportunity has prepared me. Psalm 90:17 reminds me that God establishes the work of my hands. With each change, I've had an opportunity to view that next place as stepping into a calling. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I didn't.

Often I was irritated at the seeming meaninglessness of what I was doing, but now I see. Every diaper changed, every knee kissed, every book read, every late night listening, every dying to self, every lesson plan made, every story crafted, every presentation made, every meeting attended, every spreadsheet created, EVERY THING...

It all counted.

Every moment was an unfolding of my eventual calling. God used each stepping stone to establish the work I'm doing now.

He reminds me that it all counted. Life added up was my preparation for what comes next. Maybe in strength, faith, endurance or a new direction in life.

The best part is, He reminded me in a couple of ways that I needed direction and answers on that He is there and has His hand on my everything.
　

A Constant Conversation

There is a new conversation that has become a constant in our lives thanks to Lou Gehrig's disease.

My Mariah calls me from her dads when her heart is heavy and fear tricks her mind. Usually after several days with him watching his quality of life slip, reality reminds her daily that her daddy is going to die.

A tone in her voice over the phone is my prompting to ask her how she is doing ... "Mommy, I'm feeling afraid again."

I have a small arsenal of words to say to convince her she will not get Lou Gehrig's someday. F.E.A.R. is false evidence appearing real. I remind her that she has the DNA of women on both sides of her family that live long, healthy lives. I remind her that her sister was born premature with RSV, the smallest and the sickest in neonatal, she was supposed to die.

Told at Brooke's birth that she was not going to live, to prepare my heart, I was not allowed to hold her until the third day after she was born. I couldn't even smell her from her incubator world with IV's and breathing tubes. My first contact with her was when she was crying, I put my hands through the holes of the incubator and captured her tear on my finger and tasted it.

For nine days I sat beside her incubator with stat teams from Children's Hospital racing over to save her. Down to 4 lbs. 9 oz. and so sick, she was strong. She lived when she wasn't supposed to.

I remind Mariah that she is mine. My DNA.

Convincing her reality is she is young, healthy and strong with a full life ahead of her.

FEAR will trick our minds, but I am ready to battle its every attack on my daughter.

Easter

Oh, celebration morning!

Tradition prevails and Easter baskets are filled with homemade chocolates and gifts for my girls ... off to church we go to celebrate Christ's ressurection.

Beautiful love. Redemption. Grace. Paid in full.

Brooke sat out a chocolate Easter egg on her Bible before going off to church for her daddy.

Mariah is spending the entire day with her dad. No sharing her this year, it may be his last Easter.

God is not dead, He is very much ALIVE! It is that promise that ensures our forever in eternity together.

Happy Easter.

We Are [Not] Rich

It was a sunny day, Brooke and I were driving down the road engaged in conversation when Brooke casually states, "Mom, the kids at school think we are rich because you pack me such good lunches and my friend said she is so glad I am her friend, that I am so down to earth being so rich and all (after seeing our car) and I'm like ... I know!"

Me: "BROOKE!" (Said in the mom-tone of I can't believe you!)

Brooke: "I told her we are not rich, we just have all of our wants and needs." I'm betting that reply was not stated, but it was a good save on her part.

I'm not sure how I have done it as a single mom, but I have managed to have a child that thinks we are rich. She always has assumed it. Let me clarify, we are not. I've never even hinted to such, but I have refrained from letting my girls know when there was no money. Sometimes for years.

Rich in love. Rich in good health. Rich in blessings. Yes.

We are blessed to have our needs and our wants met.

We are blessed to have a happy home.

We are blessed in a million different ways.

We are rich in every way that money cannot buy.

I guess we are rich.

Calm Me

Calm me and renew me, Lord.

I needed to heal from toxic, unhealthy and endless busyness. I needed to refresh and rejuvenate my mind and I have. Actually, more quickly than I anticipated. It doesn't take me long to bounce back, it never has. That's because I am a resilient being.

This period of time in my life is a special gift and I don't take it lightly. Making the most in every area of my life, I am making the most of this time, too.

Finding joy again in the things I like to do, basking in the sunshine, walks in the park, reading new books, enjoying my friendships, being home for my girls, simply having time is a welcome new that single moms just don't get in a busy life.

Energized. Balanced. Vibrant.

Me time, so I will feel better and look better. Exercise in my old favorite high impact step aerobics as well as a new favorite in kickboxing. Eating right by stepping up my own healthy balance of cooking food that is healthy as well as challenging myself by limiting even more treasured favorite junk foods such as cookies and cake with new favorite healthy foods such as fresh blackberries drizzled with honey, fresh berries with sorbet and soybeans. Drinking more water and another new favorite Mint Green Tea.

Stable. Healthy. Active. I am keeping my mind healthy and active with books to stretch and challenge my thinking for the next season in my life. Remaining open to what comes next.

Fine tuning my home and myself. Being an example for my daughters.

Calm me and renew me, Lord.

He has.

3 Gold Mine's

A young man found a vein of gold in a mountain. He tried to get it out himself but kept failing repeatedly. He felt like giving up, but instead he went into town and asked a mining agency to come take a look at it. The mining company surveyed the mountain and the vein of gold and wanted to buy it. They offered the young man a large amount of cash if he would sell it to them.

The young man thought about it and decided that rather than selling it to the mining company, he would keep it and learn all he could about mining. Over the next year he studied practically day and night. He read every book on mining he could lay his hands on, took every course on it he could find and talked to every person who would give him any information about it. He did nothing else for that entire year but learn about mining. He laid aside everything else in his life in order to devote his entire attention to learning how to mine gold.

At the end of that year, he went back to the mountain and began to dig out the gold. It was tremendously hard work, but in the end he had millions and millions of dollars.

Here is the lesson. Many people, perhaps most people, would have taken one look at that mountain and the hard work required to get the gold out of it, and they would have taken the offer of the quick and easy money. They wouldn't have wanted the hassle, the aggravation; they wouldn't have wanted to give up a year of their life to study when they could have been having a good time. Instead they would have taken the "right now" thing. - Joyce Meyer

I have 3 gold mines.

Three unique goals, each life-changing.

They are not just wants, they are wants I've had for years.

Signs continue to present themselves and I know the time is now. I dance on the waters of serious effort and break through.

In my life, when I try the hardest, temptation is the greatest. I am not exaggerating when I say the greatest. I mean temptations that blindside me, distract me and entangle me.

"Right now" things are at my fingertips and it makes me angry. This is how I know I am the closest.

I have three dreams. Three goals. Three gold mines.

I am praying for willpower. I am praying for focus.

I know what I am supposed to do.