It's been four years.
Sometimes it's like a breeze that opens the window of our memories that hit so unexpectedly. Like an invisible thread that pulls us back in time...
We are riding bikes on the towpath on a hot summer day, laughing and seeing how long we could ride with no hands. Those moments, I always whispered, "Thank you, God."
Sometimes it's a moment in a movie scene we shared in real life, the night we put Sammy Blue down and he put his paw in my hand. That was the first time I ever saw your heart break. We loved him so much.
A song that puts us slow dancing on the winery patio on a warm summer night. I didn't want the song to end. I especially love that photo of us. I was so tipsy, happy, and yearning for you...
I feel wonderful
Because I see the love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you
Memories wash over me and sometimes it's a matter of seconds before I push them far down and bury them, then everything is okay.
A lot happened four years ago.
I remember it hurting to breathe and my goal in the morning was to just make it through the day. That's all I had to do. The days turned into weeks and I remember when it became a couple of months, I was overwhelmed with fear we had taken it too far. Then, the months rolled into years.
I know you think about me and I know you miss me. We are still attached, and, it still hurts. We both know.
The day you proposed to her, we text all day long. I know you can't be alone.
You see, I already knew you had gotten engaged before you couldn't wait to tell me. Hurt people, hurt people. I know what you read hurt, too.
Then, you reached out, again. It was much sooner than I expected. Perhaps you call it nostalgia, I know you long for what I give you. Moments of sensationalism is intoxicating, but it doesn't last. I was home.
I can't respond to you.
If you can stand in front of a holy God and make a covenant for forever, I wish you happiness. I believe you will out of pride and image, I know you well.
I know you read this blog, far more than you should. I will share, this next week cannot pass quick enough. Triggers of memories are hitting me unexpectedly and I don't understand why. As if invisible powers of the universe are speaking.
Still, not a day goes by.
