Three Words

I am getting ready for work when I realize Brooke still wasn't awake.

In a brisk walk of frustration to her room, I open her door and asked her like I do many mornings, "Are you getting up?!"

She said, "Mom, it's Saturday."

Oh my gosh, I have my days confused. I laugh and tell her to go back to sleep and she said, "You know, I heard that walk in my sleep and even though I was sleeping, I was still trying to figure out what day it was before you walked through the door."

My bad.

A Short Window of Time

The call came two days ago that Hospice came in to make Eric's mom as comfortable as possible. With congestive heart failure, pneumonia and renal failure they gave her two weeks. 

Only a day later, yesterday, they called and said she was unresponsive. 

It's odd how a person before they pass has a burst of energy where they have a short window of time of feeling slightly better before they take a turn for the worse. This happened last night, but we didn't know it was her short window of time, we thought she/we had two weeks.

I'm grateful I decided to drive down and see her after work last night before family arrived, flying in from all directions. I stopped and picked up food, beverages and milkshakes before I arrived at the nursing home and walked in like I always do with some sort of treats. 

Her eyes haven't been opened all day, but Linda knew I was there and I kissed her cheek and asked if she wanted a milkshake.  

God love her ... I was surprised how strong she was taking in those first couple of sips, then she polished off the whole shake! I was looking for lilacs to take her (her favorite flower) and couldn't find or buy them anywhere in bloom. Who knew that a milkshake was probably the best option?! 

She asked when I was coming back, she always does, and she asked if I'd bring her a breakfast sandwich just like the surprise breakfast I showed up with one morning.

Linda reminds me of my grandmother. My grandmother always remembered every detail of the little things I did for her, so does Linda.

I promised her I'd bring her a breakfast sandwich and another milkshake, too.

She asked Eric this morning if I was bringing her another milkshake and he reminded her I always do. That was in conversation before she went unresponsive today.

Everyone is waiting. Her health is failing. They gave her less than 24 hours. 

I hope she can hold on until tomorrow night, her son she hasn't seen in years is en route from California. She knows he is coming.

Every time the phone rings, I wonder ...

This weekend has a heaviness of loss. 

Of course, Brooke and I finally reached the very episode of Nashville tonight we both have not wanted to reach, when Rayna passes away. 

This show started off in a perfect way with unexpected twists and turns and story lines that captured our attention and turned into months of Nashville marathons. We were hooked! We've laughed, we cried, we have been angry, and blindsided so shockingly that we've sat with our mouths open looking at each other in wild-eyed disbelief. And, we fell in love. 

Brooke and I were a wreck watching this episode.

I love Rayna and Deacon. 

I love their chemistry and their love that endured. Rayna was the moral foundation and heartbeat of Nashville and we both agree, we are not interested in the direction of the show without her. 

I am blessed to have met Linda. She is the first mom I have bonded with in over 20 years since my mother-in-law when I was married. 

It is bittersweet. I am blessed I had the opportunity to meet her, establish a relationship with her and for her to see her son happy. A part of of me thinks how cruel, to have met her, bond so quickly and so sweetly and to only to have experienced it for a couple of months. 

My heart hurts. 

Be the Eagle

Little Eyes Looking Back

It was through pure amazement as I watched my grand baby open and close its eyes in the ultrasound this week. Looking right at us as if seeing us too, with eyes opening and shutting, I am capturing all the little details to carry with me for the next few of months.

Emotions of want, wonder and hope and love fill me with growing anticipation of my grandchild. When I believe my heart cannot be more full, another day, week and month happens and I continue to be amazed how endless the depth of love is.

Love is just like that.

Mariah is 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow. This week I was included on her ultrasound appointment and it was my first glimpse at this very active little one. It was as if I was watching a dream on a screen. This little one happy and content in my daughter moving all over.

Rest up now, baby girl, your little one very well may be just like YOU!

It Made Me Feel Good

Ready and wanting to leave the rescue mission an opportunity arose in an Executive Director position in a non-profit overseeing 30 pantry locations that serves over 28,000 individuals per month locally.

I truly felt like all my experience in the mission prepared me for this next role.

It became a couple months process of interviews and a Board presentation where I made a quick decision when asked a firing squad of questions. I felt as if they were seeking politically correct and polished answers, and I felt that they needed to know I am not blowing smoke.

One question was ... "With the growing rate of food insecurity and hunger in the younger population (20'somethings), what are you going to do to reduce this rate/hunger for this generation locally?"

I stood there for a second surrounded by 15 professional Board members waiting for a kind and politically correct answer and I told them, "I'm not." I explained to them this generation I have fed and provided for for the last three years is a culture and lifestyle that continues and will continue to grow. That 90% of them are not interested in doing the work it takes to change their lifestyle or their growing entitlements. That you find the ones you can see something in and encourage them.

Questions similar to this came at me. I made a hard decision that I am going to speak from the hands-on experience I have learned and I am going to speak honestly and not tickle their ears with promises I know full well are crap.

I walked out from the Board presentation portion of the interview frustrated, but at peace that I didn't compromise what I believe in.

I got the call and they offered me the job. I was flattered to get the offer, but I declined.

They called back asking what it would take to get me and asked what I felt was the biggest obstacle and I was surprised when they counter-offered to meet that need.

On paper, this job title looks great and the non-profit is everything with significance I know how to do. Believe me, I was in a lot of prayer. There has been so much transition. Once upon a time I thought I could clearly see what my life was going to look like, now I have no idea.

It made me feel good to know the opportunity was mine to take.

I graciously declined.

The job I accepted, they couldn't touch in salary and full benefits.

Everything is different, everything has changed. I needed my career to as well.

I Often Wondered

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was about seven years old standing about 6 feet in front of us in line for 30 minutes patiently waiting to see the Easter Bunny.

It was his sandy-colored hair cut identical, a blue plaid short-sleeved shirt with jeans on and he was standing with his hands in his front pockets with his feet apart and hips slightly forward. It was almost as if an audible voice said, "That is what it would have looked like."

For years I often wondered what our kids would have looked like if we had one. I always questioned why our paths didn't fall in line 20 years ago when we first knew each other and how differently our lives would have been now, but ... it's safe to say, it probably wouldn't have looked much different.

I believed it was going to be extraordinary.

"That is what it would have looked like" and I already knew, but I needed the little boy to turn around so I could see his face. His build was on a frame that reminded me of how Mariah was built and when he turned around he had features more like me with brown eyes.

Sometimes I wonder if God gives us a glimpse of what could have been. Even if a part of closure, because at one point in life it meant so much.

He was calm and patient waiting in line for quite a while. He never spoke and remained composed in a perfect blend of both of us.

I wanted to take a picture and I wanted to forget, but in my heart I believe I got to see what it would have looked like if we had.

What do I want to do today?

Mariah and I took a road trip yesterday, it made for a fun day in the sunshine and hours worth of driving through the country. It was relaxing and we both enjoyed different sites, towns, homes and scenery.

We found a Joe's Crab Shack for lunch, made wanted purchases and just took our time.

She is 23 weeks pregnant, settling into their new home and we are starting to plan her baby shower. I still cannot keep my hands off her belly holding my grand baby and every time I see her it is getting larger.

After a long day, it was so good to come home to a clean house and home projects being accomplished. Brooke cleaned and offered to make dinner for her and Eric and Eric has been tackling needed home and yard projects and fixing things I cannot do. I love that he is so handy and I love that he enjoys projects, because I always have something going on!

Girlfriend dates planned, in our groove in our new normal, Easter four days away, and plenty of time to brainstorm and pace myself, what do I want to do today?

#GratefulandBlessed

Diamonds

Every girl should own a little black dress and a beautiful pair of diamond earrings. 

I've had a couple pairs in my life that have slipped through my fingers (or off my ears) for selfless reasons that were important to me and I've gone years without. 

One of the things I've always taught my girls is, if you want anything, flowers, jewelry, whatever it is, don't wait for a man. Get it. 

So I did. 

Beauty from Ashes

From career to career, I have been blessed with three weeks vacation off in between.

Week #1 consisted of Brooke being in Florida for Spring Break. An absolute welcomed time of solitude, peace and much needed silence, day trips and projects.

Week #2 consisted of day trips, day trips, day trips, projects, downtime, fun time, rest and relaxation.

Week #3 is seeing everything I wanted and needed to accomplish, accomplished. Brainstorming what I want to do next and doing that. Day trips, day trips and day trips and preparing for Easter.

Time.

A season for everything under the sun showered in blessings and time to acclimate and transition.

I have had time to relax, accomplish, have fun and do every single thing I've wanted to do in an unrushed pace. Is there anything I've missed? Any stone left unturned? No.

My finger on my pulse to make sure all is well and it is.

I am ready.

Nothing happens to me, everything happens for me.

I needed time. Time for so many things and for so many reasons I didn't even know until I had it. And as I reflect, I see myself being carried and transitioned in such a way that I couldn't have done it on my own.

God always and has always known exactly what I need. We don't necessarily have to step down so He can step up, He can in a breath take over at any moment, but it is so much more gracious to say, "Here, please handle this and shower it with blessings and favor." To be propelled into financial blessings gives me security beyond a leaf that blows in the wind from this place to that. God has always been my Provider.

He specializes in beauty from ashes.

The Years the Locusts Hath Eaten

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten. 

                                                                                                         -Joel 2:25

I remember sending these words to a holy God in prayer. Words that meant, I want for the rest of my life the same things I wanted the first half of my life. 

    

Lift your finger off the fast forward button, please. My life has completely changed.

I am constantly putting my finger on the pulse of my life assessing all the changes in less than two short months. Everything happened so fast, so out of my control, that I knew I was being carried, because that is when you know.

Relationship + Career + New family + New routine 

Major life events that come with significant changes in each event ... all at once. 

My heart is beating and life is calm as if I am breathing the way I was intended to with pieces falling into place and blessings being showered on those. 

It is as if I am observing the changes from a distance watching my own life like an outsider with my head tilted seeing the pieces are falling together into a puzzle that is my own life, but I don't know what that picture is going to look like. As if I am nudging God standing gently beside me saying, "You remembered ..." 

I turn and look back and my heart hurts for what I have lost and the life I desperately loved. My grief significant and I have so many questions, but I also know the answers. 

My eyes back on the present, this new life and I feel as if I am walking through a garden with my finger tips touching petals blooming all around me and appreciating flowers I have never seen, breathing in their scent and feeling their velvety softness.

It isn't for me to know what my future holds, but knowing who holds my future. 

Love Letters

Love letters are a love language of legacy and memories. They are words that are not forgotten said in the wind that time questions, "What were those words? How was that said?" Or worse yet, forgotten.

This blog is life captured in love letters to my daughters. Printed into a book so they never forget.

I've captured memories, my heart, and my words to leave an imprint of all that is important to me in various ways. Maybe I was speaking a love language that was missing. Filling a void I needed, so I filled the void with my own words.

Writing love letters is a lost art. A hand-written note that can be tucked away and kept.

These are now mine.

Hidden love letters, left for me to find. An expression of the heart that speaks to me in my very own love language. And I already have a collection, for me.

Song of Songs is one of my favorite books in the bible. Words from a heart bursting in love describing his every thought of his beloved. The confidence of a man in love, the wisdom in saying words that speaks to her soul she understands.

Wrapping my own thoughts and mind around what I have poured onto others, that has now become my own and I just ran across this ...

A favorite quote of mine I've loved for as long as I can remember. 

When I wasn't even looking, the most beautiful things cross my path. It captured my attention and awareness. 

Thank you to the one who speaks love into me and for the most beautiful love letters. They speak to my soul.

xo

Tranquility

How do you know when you are being carried? When a perfect storm brews and all logic says to panic and worry ...

   But, a calm settles in your soul.

           Tranquility takes over in unusual circumstances.

                   Perfect quiet and serenity cover you.

Believe me when I say I do my own self-assessment and question and wonder, should I be worried? Supernatural calmness and peace is familiar. I remember my God of the past and while I cannot see in the future from my limited perspective, I remember how faithful He has been. His strength and power shines the brightest in our weakness ...

      So I step down.

             I know I am being carried.

                    I rest in Him,

                           and watch what He can do far greater than me.

The pieces fall in place and what I couldn't do in my own power, He can.

My God of the past is my God of my present and my future. He has been faithful, all-powerful, all-knowing and specializes in billions of details.

He is my Provider, my Protector, my Advocate and my Vindicator.

I am still under His wing because I can feel it. I feel the peace, the calm, and am seeing so many blessings fall softly.

Don't be afraid of storms. Do not be afraid of closed doors. There'd be no point in attacking you if the devil didn't know God has a great plan for you.

God allows weapons to form, but He won't allow them to prosper.

Perhaps, He loves you too much to leave you were you were.

It is more real being in a peaceful place when circumstances shout otherwise, than to be in control of your own life and believe you are in a good place when you are not.

Nothing Happens to Me, Everything Happens for Me

It has been 13 years that I have had the same bedding set in my bedroom. I am such a creature of habit and I get comfortable with what I have until its been too long; however, in my defense, I've never sat on my comforter and it has been in excellent condition because of that.

Being a creature of habit and for so many years I thought my life was truly going to change. It was supposed to, so I held on waiting ... and the years continued to slip by.

Keeping my eyes open for well over a year the perfect bedding set, I found it today.

It is beautiful and it is perfect and my bedroom is about to begin transformation.

There is so much change happening in so many aspects of my life. 

Nothing happens to me, everything happens for me.

Things that were intended to destroy me, became the catalyst for blessings in my life. I am being carried and I have so many questions, why? 

I loved my life. I thanked God for my life, all the time. I kept my eyes on what was good and prayed through what wasn't good. I gave everything I was and my loss felt worse than a death, because death isn't a choice. 

My feet being gently set in my new life is filled with details I had forgotten. Details I have been praying about, details captured in my prayer journal. As if God said, "I heard your prayers, here you go ..."  

It is wonderful. It is unfamiliar. 

The hardest part for me was letting go. 

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new. 

Those little things that meant so much to me I held out so long for, I'm not waiting on anymore. 

Caribbean Blue Life

Menopause comes from two Greek words: menos or "month" and pausis or "cease".

From my female perspective the term and the cliches are everything negative when it comes to the transition of "the change".

Perimenopause, menopause, post menopause, symptoms, side effects and hot flashes, Oh my!

It's real and it's uncertain and a different experience for every woman.

Natural menopause can take years to d e c a d e s. Forced menopause, which is what I did on purpose began when I was 39 years old and had my uterus yanked for 40's & fabulous and quality of life purposes.

Best. Decision. Ever.

Menopause begins after you've gone one year without a menstrual cycle and as I am about to turn 47 years old I have lived through those unknown menopause cliches and have reached the other side at a young age.

Most women struggle and I've always only heard of the horrors of menopause from women throughout their 40's, 50's and through their 60's dealing with never-ending transitions that make life uncomfortable.

I remember my own experience with the grand finale and crescendo of the end of my own menopause transition. I remember mood swings that kept me at zero tolerance and hot flashes that hit me every 20 minutes I swear for one month. No exaggeration.

All day and all night I would break out into full sweats. Showering constantly, I was scared to death believing I was transitioning into blue hair and massive wrinkles on the other side and searching the internet for relief to squelch symptoms and side effects praying I didn't have another decades of hot flash hell yet to go.

My eyes reading what to expect on the other side scared me worse than hot flashes!

My menopause experience lasted seven years.

It's been seven months since that awful crescendo and for every woman who is fearful of the process and what life looks like on the other side, let me tell you, it is GORGEOUS!

I am living a Caribbean blue life with sunny skies and the horizon has never looked brighter.

I no longer fear my 50's and 60's being miserable years of suffering before I enter old age of tiredness, mood swings, hot flashes, cravings, vaginal dryness, blah, blah, blah, everything old.

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. intact and working like a champ.

The best tip I can share that I had heard and worked was exercise! That if you sweat during exercising, hot flashes will cease. I found this to be 100% true. When I was super active from spring to autumn I never hot flashed. Those slow winter months were miserable flashing constantly. Once I started getting active and I mean really active, the hot flashes completely stopped. For years this was my routine.

I had full control of those until the end of last summer. The grand finale and crescendo of menopause was untouched by exercise. Nothing worked, I was hormonal raging and it was miserable.

Then is stopped ...

... and I began assessing the damage. Am I whole? Is everything working correctly? Still no crows feet, my hair isn't white, is it truly over?

It's over.

Life on the other side is far more beautiful than I ever expected.

I have nothing to dread and perhaps I am one of the lucky ones, blessed actually.

For my girls ... in case I forget, this was my experience and I hope it will be yours. xo