My heart broke today. I walked into Mariah's appointment so happy to see my Sofia and watch my next grandbaby in ultrasound, never expecting my heart to break beside my daughter.
Grateful I was there, we were listening and trying to understand what the nurses were explaining. Confused. Blindsided. Happy excitement turned to grieving.
The card kept safe in my purse had a strong presence tucked inside there as a welcome congratulations token to give to my daughter for my next grandchild.
Mariah and Sofia came back to my place for the afternoon and I made pasta with meatballs for lunch, comfort food.
A lot of tears, a lot of emotions, she took a shower and a nap.
Me, my heart hurts and I randomly cry during the day. If I talk about it, I cry. If I think about it, I cry.
Mariah has asked me a couple times, what do you think the baby is? I told her I have no idea. I didn't have an intuition either way. She shared the family members who predicted girl or boy. I wondered how so many who were not blood-related to my daughter had intuitions stronger than me. I remember asking God about that. Still zero intuition.
A few days ago, Brooke woke up saying she had bad dreams and I said I did, too. But, I didn't and wouldn't share my bad dream (I never dream at night), I didn't want to speak my dream out loud into the universe. In my dream I saw Mariah's uterus and it was just a uterus, there was no baby. In my dream I knew she lost the baby. I chalked it off as a bad dream as a fear and pushed it out of my mind.
I left the card in my purse all day, not ready to take it out other than for celebration. Do I throw it away? Do I save it for when she is pregnant again. Opening it up and reading my message, "In love with you already" broke my heart again and I decided to put it in Mariah's keepsake memory box.
In memory of my unborn grandchild that I will meet one day. *Written 8/16/18 and not to be posted until she makes the announcement.
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
When the blazing sun is gone
When nothing shines upon
Then you show your little light
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are
xo
