So Ready for 2015!

I have been ready for 2015 for two years!

I don't like to admit I am slightly superstitious, but I dreaded the year 2013 simply because of the 13. Friday the 13th's are creepy days and Saturday the 14th's are odd days. That is exactly how I have felt about 2013 and 2014. Creepy and odd.

Even though great things happened!

I like the number 15, 16, 17, 18 and all the numbers that go up. Breakthrough is coming.

In 2014 I lost 20 lbs.  Adjusting to the days getting darker earlier and being less active outdoors, I gained two lbs. back which was frustrating.

Officially, this morning ... [the drum roll, please], I have lost that two lbs!

A clean and healthy start. No pressure needed to shed holiday gained weight!

My 2015 will start with David and I taking rock climbing lessons, a new hobby we want to try. We will begin spring with our bikes 100% ready embracing biking season from the start. We have passes to try some cardio gym classes. We are registered for Warrior Dash in August, a reminder as we are physically active all spring/summer that endurance training will make our stats during Warrior Dash all the better.

A clean start, a new beginning, a new year. I am so ready for a LOT of changes.

I am so ready for 2015!

Christmas Blessings & Vacation

In a blur of Christmas activity, I reflect back and say, "Whew!"

It was a different kind of a Christmas in so many ways.

While the rescue mission tapped into every ounce of multi-tasking and coordinating I had in me, which pretty much took all my energy from the month long events and things I enjoy for my personal Christmas season, I hold on to my highlight moments.

In the midst of Christmas chaos, David swept me away for a wonderful, fun-filled and adventurous out of town, surprise getaway. We went to Nashville!

We stayed at the breathtaking Opryland Resort, which was walking through flawless Christmas gardens and decor everywhere we went.. We sat 4th row and absolutely loved the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular at The Grand Ole Opry. Enjoyed a life size nativity & outdoor lights, dined in An Underwater Dining Adventure, went to ICE! A 15 degree ice museum with 2 million lbs of colored ice sculptures in Twas the Night Before Christmas. Went out to country music clubs in downtown Nashville and listened to some pretty awesome bands and both of us are officially wildly crazy about a band called Eskimo Brothers! Toured the Country Music HOF, drove and spent part of the day at David's properties and rode on the Tail of the Dragon (Rt. 129) on the way home. I laughed as he gripped the passenger door handle as I took the sharp curves and when his head was out the window nauseous needing fresh air! 

Passing through Ashville, NC, only minutes from the beautiful Biltmore Estate, we whisked off the highway and stopped to see the outside of the estate in all its Christmas glory. But, they wouldn't let us drive through without a ticket.  It was already 6:30 p.m., we still had an 8-hour drive home and we both had to work the next day. David handed me $50 and said, "Buy us tickets so we can see the house." I came outside heartsick, in order to drive on the property, it would cost $89 per person.  

David insisted.  We were here, let's take advantage of every moment. Sparing no expense we went in to get buy tickets to only find out the next tour isn't until 10:00 p.m.!! So close, we couldn't make it happen.  Maybe another Christmas.

It was a fun-filled adventure and a perfect holiday getaway!

I hadn't realized until the middle of Christmas that everything felt so normal ...  

This was the first Christmas (in 4 years) since Brooke's dad died that she was excited for Christmas and happy Christmas day.

This was the first Christmas in 18 years that I have not shared my daughters with their dads. Both of their dads have passed away and every Christmas for the last 18 years I would juggle our family, their family and share the day. I didn't have to share this year.

David was with us. A family night Christmas Eve and waking up together as a family. 

I did my usual turning on Christmas tree lights, soft Christmas music, put on a pot of coffee, put breakfast in the oven, took a shower and was ready for everyone to wake up.

Christmas spent with family in normal Christmas routine. Everyone healthy, happy and present, minus my sweet little boy, Sammy Blue.

Sammy Blue had a gift in his Christmas stocking this year. A light blue sparkle photo album that included every picture we ever took of him. A memory album.

After it was said and done David pulled me in his arms and said, "Christmas was perfect."

And it was.

Something Pretty Amazing

David is planning something pretty amazing, a 3-day surprise getaway for me. Us.

No clues. Just what styles of clothes I need to pack.

He is jumping up and down inside ready to burst like a boy at Christmas, but all he will say is, "the best day ever is about to happen!"  He happens to say this every day.

I have never seen him this excited about anything. He has a calm disposition pretty much about everything and last night he was slap-happy and playful in excitement.

All I want is to be in the car driving out of town with him.

I feel as if stress knots are waiting patiently to release the farther we get away.

Different destinations, perfectly executed on an I'm certain tight itinerary that will be calculated down to the minute and mile.

Think I'm kidding?  Round-trip, including all perfectly coordinated destination stops = 1228 miles.

He can plan, calculate and keep us on a schedule that keeps him in balance.  I will be glowing in delight being the mindless passenger to whom all things have been created for.

Thrilled I do not have to make a single decision.

Rested in being swooped along on a magical vacation created for me.

Us.

Lost in him.

Three days together.

A Picturesque Christmasy Day In My Heart

Sometimes I reflect and go back in curiosity to read what I posted I was doing one year ago.

I do comparisons as a check-point system that reflect change and continual growth. I cross reference where am I now versus where was I then and internally rate it to ensure life continues to move in the direction I passionately want for my life. 

Spiritually, I am in a much better place. Studying for lessons to share daily in the rescue mission, the teacher always learns the most. 

Although, reflecting back to one year ago today, I am sad to read I was much more vocal about God, but maybe that's because He comes up in my every day conversations in the mission. I pour myself out there; rather, than a voice on the world wide web.

I long for a picturesque Christmasy day in the form of a breathtaking winter wonderland outside that paints the picture of what the Christmas season should look like. Eyes-turned-to-heaven request will go up today. 

I have yet to slow down, become nestled in my home and turn on the Lifetime channel for an afternoon of Christmas movies and baking Christmas cookies.

I desperately miss my Sammy Blue. My heart longs and aches for my sweet, handsome, little boy.

One year ago, a few days later, I laughingly shared a glimpse of my friend Laurie (we no longer work together). I miss her and need to make plans to see her.

In the absolutely busyness of life keeping up with all my responsibilities and providing everyone's needs, I need to refresh myself and embrace this Christmas season in my heart. 

Check-point systems are good, because they bring to light where we are and allow necessary change to get back on the right track versus heading down a continued path in the wrong direction. 


A PICTURESQUE CHRISTMASY DAY - December 14, 2013

It's a winter wonderland outside and the snow is coming down in giant soft snowflakes. The roads are covered in snow [not really safe for driving], I'm certain the stores are packed with Christmas shoppers, and I am nestled in my house on a picturesque Christmasy day.

Thank you Lifetime Channel for hosting one Christmas movie after another. My tree is lit, my home decorated, and plenty of holiday sweets to complement a hot pot of coffee.

Mariah is off having fun with girlfriends, Brooke is playing out in the snow, David is shopping, and Sammy Blue is sleeping peacefully. I'm cherishing all things quiet.

I am rich.

I have everything that money cannot buy ... my family, good health, a heart so full of love, a comfortable and warm home, and food we enjoy. Our needs are always met, our wants always attainable. I have peace, laughter, and want for nothing. I'm a very blessed girl. 

My life isn't perfect, but I have learned to be more than content in most all circumstances. 

Love is a choice I make and a quest that has been my driving factor in life. Happiness and gratefulness is the outlook that I focus on. Hope are my dreams tucked away safely in the compass of my heart leading me in this journey through life, and faith is my foundation for all things. 

To every one who reads my blog, locally and in countries all around this world, I wish you a very Merry Christmas. 

May your heart be filled with peace no matter what is going on in your life. Contentedness and a grateful heart for all you do have. Happiness and laughter. Faith in our very present God, hope in your heart, and love.

May you quiet your heart in the busyness of holiday hustle-n-bustle, keep Christmas in perspective, and remember exactly what the world is celebrating in less than two weeks, the birth of Jesus Christ. 

Tuck this away in your heart ... there is one thing this Christmas you can cling to, it is the guarantee of happily ever after as long as you believe in Him.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. - John 14:6 NIV

Who is this God that sent his Son to us two thousand years ago? Who is this Jesus you must know to get to God in heaven?  Meet my God in 2014.

Merry Christmas

 

Unraveling My Adult Nervous System

Sammy's death + PMS + the approaching anniversary of Brooke's dads suicide next week = Brooke has the uncanny ability to unravel my adult nervous system.

Brooke has a clear idea of how she wants the world to be operated around her, specifically by me and has an intolerance when I disagree and do not bend to her emotional needs and whims.

Channeling these highly emotional impulses (some she can control and some she cannot) is exhausting from my perspective and I find myself daydreaming of the day when both of my girls are out of my home and independent adults.

I fantasize of an always clean home and food that I buy that will be in the refrigerator until I decide consume it (not eaten in mass quantities for sport eating/boredom sake).

I dream of the meals I want to make and enjoy, not the neutral meals to keep all household members happy.

I think of the household and personal hygiene products lasting three times longer than they currently do now.

Laundry drastically reduced.

To have clean towels.

I chuckle to myself inside when I think of the culture shock my girls will go through when they have to buy all their entitled products they currently use unsparingly when they actually have to buy them with their own money.

I'm still a few years away from this, but I smile inside knowing their day is coming and so is mine.

With current emotions raging I find chocolate still brings a smile to the distraught, threats continue hold power over the things they really want I control and I still have the power to say, "Go to bed right now!"

To all those who say, "You will miss them when they are out!"  No. I'm a happy independent person and will enjoy seeing them when I want to and coming home to living they way I want to live without two all-consuming tornadoes underfoot.

I Don't Want a Sterile Home

Putting my cup down I instantly think, Sammy may bump it. I forget.

Turning around in every room I am consciously aware he may be behind me. He isn't.

Walking through room in the dark I keep a close eye out for my little furry bundle who stays close to me. Reality is a painful reminder.

Throwing trash in the trash can my eyes glance to check water/food levels. Nothing is there.

I had a little boy who would follow me everywhere and I was always consciously aware of his presence forming countless habits and routines. That no longer exist.

My knee-jerk reaction to all things for sanity sake is to wildly clean and organize my home, but it already feels empty. To clean to would be to remove traces of his soft fur that says this was his home. It would be erasing what is left of him and suddenly I don't want a sterile home.

I can't take his Christmas stocking down from the fireplace. Not this Christmas.

I want to feel him warm in my arms, smell his kitty scent, feel his warm furry head against my lips and face, hear his happiness purr and him squeak in delight talking to me. I want to feel him press his head back against my face craving more kisses. I even want to feel him push away from me when he has had enough snuggle-time.

I couldn't love him any more than I did and I miss my Sammy Blue.

*Daddy's favorite photo of Sammy Blue ...

Sammy Blue

Last night at 7:00 p.m. with mommy, daddy, sissy & sissy in the private room kissing Sammy Blue, holding him, telling him, "I love you's, you are such a good boy, you are very handsome Sammy Blue, handsome like daddy and I am going to miss you ..." Sammy Blue went to sleep.

Our hearts broke.

Each of us loved and cherished Sammy beyond measure. We adored him, gave him a 14 month little life of a million kisses, snuggles and love.

He was a beloved baby to all of us and suddenly our home feels very empty.

Sammy Blue wasn't a pet, he was a member of our family.

I was not at all prepared for last night to happen. I hoped a prayed every day we were one day closer to his healing and rebounding good health. I never anticipated his little death to hurt this bad.

I confess, I am not an animal lover. I never have been.  I've had many pets through the years, liked some and did not like others. Never bonded with any and only had pets for my daughters sake.

Sammy was our laughter, unconditional love, adoration and snuggles. He was all things perfectly routine, such a sweet boy, never messed with or damaged anything, met me at the door every day, was the 1st little snuggle for me every morning, talked to me in squeaks, and had a cuteness about him that caused him to be kissed to death each day.

He was the perfect complement to our family and gave the grand title of daddy to David in our home. He was our 1st baby together. Researched, picked as a family together, I was not about to let him die overnight while we were sleeping, alone.

Together as a family, we each took our private, alone time with him, thanks to David's guidance.

He was so sick and we did everything we knew. His veterinarian had come to the end of his own knowledge as to what was so wrong with Sammy.

Sammy kept staring off into space, sick. Moments before he was put to sleep, he turned his head, looked at me and lifted his paw. Mommy always held his little paw, it was how I put him to sleep when he was a kitten.

My heart broke.

Our home feels empty.

Someone very important is no longer here.

Sammy Blue was one of my *perfects* in life. I thanked God countless times for him and I hope he greets me in heaven at the door as he did every day in our home.

We love you, Sammy Blue. You are such a good boy! You are a very handsome boy, handsome like daddy.

<3 <3 <3 <3

Thanks, God!

Some moments happen in life, the world seems to slow down and I become so aware of the beautiful picture in front of me ...

Tonight is Wednesday night date night. Dinner was our typical healthy with a super yummy sugar cookie for dessert. The kitchen cleaned up, a candle lit in Christmas scent, the lights turned off but for the Christmas tree glowing softly in the corner and the warmth of the fire in the fireplace creating the perfect touch of ambiance as we anxiously turned on the 2nd to the last episode ever of Sons of Anarchy.

Have I said a million times, "I love Wednesday nights!"  I do.

Brooke comes out of her room with an electric keyboard and she wants to play for us two songs she has learned.

She sits on the ottoman and her fingers struggle to play the keys.

David listens and I know he is capturing the tune in his head and he goes over and sits so naturally next to her and plays the tune she is wanting to play.

They are both laughing trying to out play one another, but as time slows and my awareness is heightened, I see my little girl trying to learn to do something musical she is passionate about and David slides right next to her to show her, teach her, poke fun with her and they laugh together playing music.

I captured this happy moment in my heart, the many ways he fills a role in both my daughters lives.

I see the patient and loving man that he is. Time invested in my daughters. The way he provides so well for all of us.

I see my little girls heart that has healed so much this year and she loves David. He is the bar set high that she compares others to.

She needs him.

They both love music and watching them compete and play the keyboard together brings lots of laughs and I think of how far we have come learning to be a family. Broken from tragedy to healing and a new life together.

There is something so incredibly sexy about watching him play the piano. It's a side of him I am just learning. Another talent revealed.

Thanks, God!  Know whom to thank.

I am SO Hot!

I am SO hot!  

No, no ... not in the narcissist kind of way, I am hot flashing!! 

Once I had heard if you are highly physically active hot flashes will stop. The last I had a hot flash was the end of last winter. Due to a very physically active summer, all flashes have stopped until about two weeks ago.  

It's kind of like an internal thermometer that gauges I need to get moving. 

I want to move. I want to feel my muscles burn. I like to sweat. 

What I don't like is being anywhere and inconveniently breaking into a sweat, needing to shed layers of clothing, rolling down car windows for fresh cool air because I feel as if I have ran the Monument steps when I haven't! 

My muscles ache anyway from lack of intense use.  

I would rather have these internal triggers than not and be complacent. 

I would rather my muscles ache than the scales gain. 

I would rather hot flash young and handle it like a champ than hot flash old and suffer. 

You see, I have an internal gauge (hormones & muscles) that will let me know when my maximum heart rate has been reached. No need for high tech gadgets when my undeniable internal system craftily created by God says, "Get moving or sweat anyway!" 

I am comfortable, then raging hot, suffocating and sweating. Peel everything off and in two minutes the flash is over I am suddenly cold from being under dressed. Repeat. Repeat.  

When I flash I feel a little overly emotional and suddenly I want to cry about something. Anything. Pick a topic.  

Doing a bit of research to understand all this, WebMD says, "It's like PMS, only amped up -- crying jags, happy happies, cranky crankies. These are common in women around the time of menopause. And if you had bad PMS, the hormonal changes that happen during this time may cause even bigger mood swings."

When I feel like I want to cry, instead of talking about the topic that pops in my mind first, I consciously have to let the moment pass to see if there is validity to it once the amped-up emotions cool off. 

Understanding all this empowers me to beat all that is going on creating havoc inside me. As a girl who is stimulated by challenge, I accept this fate and am set to conquer this internal chaos to the best of my ability.