Predicaments

Life is full of predicaments and I have learned through the decades results are 100% better to go to the throne instead of the phone.

I look back at my search for significance and laugh with a humorous God that he plopped me right smack in the middle of incredible needs at the rescue mission.

Often I feel unqualified for this front of the battle line role and guilty at my rants often feeling overwhelmed.

Add in unexpected expenses on a nonprofit income. 

Sammy Blue is getting sick again and the cost of his vet office visit and needed medications, I do not have.  

When I say I hand things to God, I really do. One would think He is my husband because we spend so much time together and I put most everything on Him. 

It  is a prayer, but it's not a prayer, which almost always makes the best prayer. The familiar said out loud in frustration, "You are going to have to handle this, I do not have it." 

Scary isn't it. Not a holy prayer with head bowed and eloquent words for presentation, best results kind of prayer. 

Shorty after, my mom called saying she wants to give me my Christmas gift money early so I can buy exactly what I want and she will wrap it for Christmas.  Not getting paid until this coming Monday, I felt guilty but knew that my Christmas money could buffer the cost until I get paid.

It has to be done, Sammy is sick.

It's aggravating to me to work so hard and financially struggle.

David texts me that he is going to pick Sammy up from the vet so I don't have to getting off work late.

I come home to him fixing my fireplace to get it working again and Sammy home. David paid Sammy Blue's vet bill and refuses to let me pay him back.

God provided through David. 

David and I united as one. Him financially blessed, me broke but a significance seeking God girl. 

A perfect match, complements of God.

I always have everything I need. God is an amazing provider. 

When I feel unqualified at the rescue mission, I think of all the unqualified's in the Bible. God's power is made perfect in weakness and I am most often on the weak end desperately seeking God's intervention. 

When I don't have and need, God provides.

Some days I can't look far ahead into a future I cannot see, I have to keep my eyes on today. One day at a time.

When I feel the pressure of a quickly approaching holiday season, I remember the gifts we had when money was plenty and I have to step back out of others holiday shopping hustle-n-bustle and keep Christmas in perspective. 

Jesus birth. 

Black Friday ad's everywhere, my mailbox and email blowing up with shopping savings discounts and the malls packed with consumers entertaining themselves in mindless shopping for 'stuff' not even needed.  

Consumerism gone wild. 

A shift is happening in my perspectives. 

God's power is made perfect in weakness. Less me, more God. 

This is a MUCH better position then more me, less God. 

Yesterday, I was doing devotions in Proverbs for dinner guests and residents before the meal and we read ...

"The rich are wise in their own eyes; 

one who is poor and discerning sees how deluded they are."

- Proverbs 28:11

Do not be jealous of the rich, money may be all they have.

God reminding me and the population He has placed under my care that faith is far better than riches.

Freaking Fashion Model

I prefer to wear a natural finger nail look for several reasons:

#1:  Chipped nail polish looks awful.

B:   Fashion magazines and celebrities always sport a natural nail look.

Choo choo train:   What a waste of money.

A few weeks ago I splurged to get my nails done for date night. What I really needed was my cuticles cleaned up by a professional and I wanted to sport a brazen red on my nails for a different look.

It was fun.

It was a girlie.

I'm ready to shed the red.

Shellac can be picked off as an alternative to going back into a salon and paying to have it removed (again, a waste of money). And I managed in curiosity to see if I could pick it off to lift a slight corner and with an easy pull, half the nail polish lifted off my finger nail in one easy piece.

You can't stop when something this great happens (saving money & time going back to a salon).

Here I am, driving to church today with the nail polish completely pulled off of one of my nails when Brooke notices and I agree and said out loud, "I know, I look like ghetto trash."  That was probably a bit harsh, but I'm still the girl who doesn't wear colored nail polish so I don't look chipped.

Brooke quickly defends me and passionately says, "Mom!  You drive a sporty car that nobody else has and are a freaking fashion model, you are not ghetto trash!"  [World, stop!]

Stop!  At "freaking fashion model."  Let me savor this sweet moment.

By no means am I a fashion model. More like comfort queen and over-wearer of my few favorite outfits.

I am casual jean wearing with a tendency toward sexy tops, a natural finger nail look, with simple princess cut diamond earrings kind of girl with long, flowing dark curly locks.

A more casual, classic look.

I am flattered my high school daughter thinks I am a freaking fashion model.

Sexy & Smoldering

Etched in tattoos.

Strong athletic body.

Highly intelligent.

A blend of G.Q. meets Buckle.

Perfectionist extraordinaire.

That new edgy mustache goatee.

He is sexy & smoldering.

Freddie

Freddie was happy.

Freddie & Frederica

Once upon a time a very health conscious and fitness extraordinaire boy text he had gone out to eat with his daughter and ate a large pasta entree, had two beverages, finished her meal and then had ice cream. I replied, "Whoaaaaa! Freddie Fat Ass!"

Thus began Freddie.

Then came Frederica.

Freddie likes ice cream.

Frederica likes all things chocolate.

On Wednesday night date night, during our show I asked him if he would like, "Ice cream? Cake? Iced Tea?" Freddie's eyes flew open and in excited school boy expression he said, "You have ice cream cake?!"

"No. I said I have ice cream, cake, iced tea."

"You said ice cream and cake together without the and."  Heart break is written all over him.

Tonight is date night. Without kids.

Freddie won't be heartbroken.

A Frame of Mind

Date nights are special moments etched out in the week of quality one-on-one time.

Wednesday nights are at-home date nights all-inclusive with dinner together (candles for ambiance) and cuddled up next to each other watching Sons of Anarchy.

It may sound basic to some, but I assure you it isn't.

Date night is a frame of mind.

It is a wistful craving, a euphoria of the heart.

It is the crescendo of my week.

It is normalcy with special touches always added. Whether it be a new dinner entree, a side dish, a beverage or a dessert, I strive to experience something new and enhanced with him. I love his notice of all things new.

Seldom do I have anything new to wear, but I strive to make sure I am put together.

To me it would be a certain death the day he would walk through the door and I wouldn't care. The day I wouldn't care what I looked like, what my home looked like or what he thought.

I love loving him. I love liking him and I love being in love with him.

All three make a very important difference.

Awesome Responsibility

A hospital representative came to the rescue mission to introduce me to her successor, because we are near and dear to her heart, she wants to ensure he continues in her footsteps as well as meeting me.

It became one of those tours where fascination opens the minds eye because he had never seen or known about a men's homeless shelter and a meal ministry that feeds the poor.

I can always gauge their interest by their questions and his were transparent. He wanted to know all sorts of details.

This makes it fun for me when I can be raw and truthful about the mission versus the polished, sweet and high-level overview that most people prefer.  I like answering the questions that fascinate people.

He inquisitively asked substance abuse in this population ... how I handle those situations.

He asked about the guys living in the homeless shelter ... how did they get there ... was I afraid?  Not. At. All.

He asked about the homeless dinner guests ... their lifestyle ... interesting questions kept coming.

Genuine intrigue makes tours more entertaining.

He became fascinated with my role.

All that goes on every day, the extreme needs that are met, this population of people I provide for and my reactions to their random behaviors.

So much happens every day. So many extreme needs that comes at me in every direction. I impact peoples lives daily.

I provide absolute needed human necessities.

They come to me as if I am their minister, I hear their broken stories and they believe I am their liaison to God. It is an incredible responsibility.

I instruct, lead and direct poor performers to do the work.

I am a mom to the boys who have no parents and are lost. I care for them when they are sick, encourage them and become their safe place.

These are the ones that matter to me.

This group does not include the 350+ workers and volunteers that come through my kitchen every month, all who need something from me, coming at me all day, every day.

I am run to the battle line.

I am front line in feeding the poor, hungry and broken.

I am 6-days per week.

I am also the least paid in the mission and zero benefits.

I am frustrated that in all my awesome responsibility I can barely make ends meet and health insurance is another job away.

5 Seconds

I was thrilled when David text asking if I wanted to go hiking or biking. 

The weather this week is going to bottom out in the 30's with rain and in all his multi-symptoming misery, he gave me what I wanted/needed, an afternoon doing what we do.

Yayyy! I was jumping up and down in my mind excited for an afternoon of adventure and exercise with him.

Knowing I love new experiences, he specifically chose a place I had never been, all-inclusive with a river, trees and hiking trails.

Romance bursts in my mind, because I am a girl.  

I am a relationship, love-oriented, romantic.

He is a results-achieving male.

A man's version of hiking ... find her beautiful trails with water to make her happy, walk fast, increase heart rate, and ask after hiking 5 miles up a steep hill of wet leaves, "Want to race to the top (5 more miles)?" 

Me: "No. Go ahead, I will catch up with you." 

David: "I thought you wanted a workout?" 

His idea of a hike is intense workout. For the record, I know he doesn't get his best intense workouts with me. That he prefers to go faster and harder. When we bike he likes to ride at 16 mph, I prefer 10.

This was after his recent comment of my lagging behind, "Are you getting tired?" 

I'm thinking ... as long as I love doing physical activity with him and never, ever complain, I deserve more words of affirmations on being a super-trooper versus the obvious pointed out.

Quickly, I go to in my mind how differently men and women are wired. Physically, in our thoughts and actions. We have been wired differently from the very beginning on purpose.

I immediately think the thought ... if I was a few years younger than him and in incredible shape, he would still have much better endurance than me. Guys are just made that way and he is already in tip-top shape. I'm confident I would lag behind anyway. 

My idea of a hike is walking new trails I've never seen, admiring nature and spending quality time in a romantic setting holding hands with him while increasing my heart rate. It is a blend of outdoors, walking and romance.

These are the thoughts flowing through my mind and I thought I need to gently tell him what I am really needing to make this moment perfect ... "I like to hike with you and hold your hand." 

He heard criticism and felt as if I dumped the first load of hot coals over his head. 

Translation:  [I can't even guess how it sounded to him. I'm certain his perspective and version of yesterday would verify how differently men and women see the same situation, but I don't have his version to share here. Although it would probably make a funny blog post.].  

He replies, "I picked out a new trail I knew you would like with water. It's cold out so my hands are in my pockets and I constantly need a kleenex."

Men are achievement oriented.

Women are relationship love oriented.

He achieved his goal giving me the exercise he knows I long for in a setting I would love.

I want all that PLUS him to take 5 seconds to want to pull me in his arms, kiss me and tell me he loves me.

Today Begins a New Day

I am convinced I thrive in sunshine, nature and outdoor activity.

Put me near water and something in me triggers the feel of vacation. On a biking adventure, the burn in my muscles, the appreciation of nature and an afternoon away with just David and I is the ultimate stress reliever.

Biking was our new hobby this summer and with appropriate bikes purchased, necessary gadgets added, our momentum was on the upswing as we found our niche on biking adventures.

Twenty pounds less and holding, momentum high inside I am screaming, "Noooooooooo!" at a long winter quickly approaching, cold weather and it being dark far too early.

Before the unravel of all my hard work, as my body aches for hours of outdoor physical activity, I simply have got to figure out how to keep my momentum high and enter the next stage of health and fitness.

There is something about wearing little clothing and sweating that strengthens the core of my mind.

I want this next level.

I want to fine-tune what I have started and be at a significantly better place when spring arrives.

Today begins a new day.

Egalitarianism Contradiction

My name is Dawn and I am an egalitarianism contradiction.

I am reading along in my book when a description WHACKS! my attention.

The gist of it is, I insist on an egalitarian relationship where we both have equal authority, yet I contradict egalitarianism by expecting him to lead our relationship.

It's all very confusing, but it makes perfect sense.

My reality is, I am both mom and dad. I have both full responsibility as the provider and the caretaker in my home. I don't get half of life's responsibility, nor do I have the financial safety net of a partner to pick up the pieces should I not do well.  I get full-fledged both responsibilities without a break or a crutch. Times that by 18+ years.

Honestly, I would love to watch a movie with certain people playing both my roles in life endlessly and see how they would truly do. Making it work isn't an option, but it changes a person.

By rights, I have full authority.

By my beliefs, I have old-fashioned values.

I often tease David and let him know he is the boss because I let him be the boss, to which he says he isn't the boss if I allow him to be.

I recognize he has a natural male desire to lead our relationship. And sometimes I patiently wait a 1/2 a second then take the lead in areas that are important to me.

It's confusing because I live in a world where I believe one way, but I live another because it isn't an option.

Time fine-tunes well-honed skills.

Insight and discernment recognizes the invisible battle.

Date Night

I am completely enamored with David. I still get butterflies and as aggressively affectionate and openly loving and affectionate as we are, once in a while I look at him, watch him and get momentarily school-girl crush shy.

Moments like this hit me often, then I tell myself he is mine, touch him! Kiss him! Feel his muscles! Admire his sexy & smoldering looks! Respect this raw masculine, all-inclusive package that is my perfect.

Breathe him in.

This is me loving, cherishing and admiring him.

I love scruff and David's new facial hair is resurrecting primal arousal in me. I believe he thinks I am over exaggerating, but there is an invisible magnetic pull that draws me in and I want to feel his scruff on my lips and cheeks. I feel like a cat marking my territory and leaving my scent, but its just me inflamed with him.

I'm off the subject here: Date night.

Yesterday was fun and a bit different for me. We had a Saturday night date planned so I went shopping to find something new to wear, so he doesn't always have see me in my habitually familiar clothes and got my nails done (I never get my nails done).

It all felt so feminine to do a little something extra in seeking his attentions eye.

We had a relaxed dinner at home and met some friends at a comedy club to watch the Naughty Hypnotist.

I love being with the most handsome man in the room.

He is mine.

To be next to him, his arm casually across my leg, laughing and being out fills something in me that I don't ever have a need to seek for.

I share these details because I am blessed.

I appreciate all these details to the fullest because I don't take any of it for granted.

To be silent is complacent. Complacency is being pleased with my situation without awareness of potential danger.

Think of all the little things that present themselves daily; commercials, movies, music, social media to side track time and attention. The little subtle thoughts, messages that pique curiosity that take eyes off what is important and fills countless seconds, minutes and maybe hours of attention and before you know it, the subtle things you didn't intend to choose have become subtle thoughts and choices planted in our minds that turn the ship.

Because life is becoming more filled with the subtle's that seek to destroy, I love what is most important to me and I keep my eyes on exactly that.

I'm feeling A.D.D. this morning.

Date nights, quality time. Home or out.

That's the variety that I like.

Date night at home is Wednesday night, our designated night of the week to have dinner together and watch Sons of Anarchy.

The thrill of his birthday surprise date night that was a crescendo in my mind. Many details planned behind the scenes to pull of a grand production to emulate and surpass in love. And an upcoming OSU vs. Michigan game means another crescendo is coming. And, I LOVE, bask in, and strive for crescendos!

I am a pretty simple girl in a growing complicated world with my eyes on exactly what I love and what is most important.

Date nights are a love language.