A Letter From A Friend

This is the 2^nd morning I have cried.

Let me back up … to decades ago. Between the ages of 15 years and my early 30’s I had a very best friend, Charlotte. Life happens and we lost touch over the last 6-7 years.

I received a Christmas card in the mail from her only weeks ago. The card was a family picture of her, her husband, two daughters (that were toddlers the last time I saw them) and a new baby. She had a baby! Having her new address I was happy I could send a Christmas card back. A card with a letter.

My letter let her know about both Brooke and Mariah’s dads along with my email address.

Yesterday morning I opened my 1^st email from her.

A span of time bridged. Life quickly catching up.

It was her words of friendship that she cried when she read my letter. That she couldn’t explain to her husband our friendship so long ago to life’s tragic turns. My own fresh tears of friendship.

She remembers. She was there and remembers Eric and Keith. Through my own tears reading her letter, I remembered Charlotte and Eric’s relationship and laughed to myself at the memories. I often thought of their relationship similar to the tv sitcom “Martin.” The constant teasing and insulting relationship between Martin and Pam, Gina’s best friend. Eric made her cry the first day they met, that alone made the next 10 years of my relationship with Eric full of laughs and insults between those two.  

I read on ... Charlotte lost someone, too. A daughter. Two years ago.

My favorite part of the day is early in the morning when my home is quiet and I am the only one awake. Coffee. Christmas lights. The Today show. Ahhhh, me time!

Early this morning I opened her 2^nd email. Her daughter was born and died a couple short hours later two years ago 'today' ... fresh tears for her.

Tears for her loss. Tears for her pain. Prayers for her strength today.

My thankful heart for time that spans and friendship mended.

Life catching up quickly.

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave

She spun her web
           carefully
  methodically
                artistically
         entrapping his mind
                       watching him flail in indecision
         pulled between his own instincts
                        and her suggestions
                                he tossed amidst the silky threads
                                   that grew tighter
                                       with every inner protest
              and she
       watching from afar
             gazed at her creation
                 trusting that he would see
                     the wisdom of her words soon enough
       and just as she thought it time to move in
                       and claim her prizes
               her foot became caught in her own snare
                       crying out for help
              she realized too late
                       the help she sought was also entrapped
                              rendered useless by her own hands
                      gazing at one another
                           across the distance of their predicament
                                   they watched one another
                                           die separate deaths
                          slowly
                               painfully
                     amidst misunderstandings
                        and a million regrets
                  he
                    for not being strong enough
                           to keep her from her own ruin
             she
                for not letting go of the reins
                       and grasping his hands instead
                                his hands
                                    that now seemed further away then ever
                    constrained by her own determinations
                         losing the power they once had ...
                   feeling her own strength dissipating
                       as she watched the color drain from his fingertips
         she realized all too late
                 that webs of manipulation
                         though beautiful in the making
                                were the most deceptive of all
             their delicate lattice work
                     quickly transforming into iron prisons
                             that bound both
                                    "victor" and victim
                 the chasm of betrayal
                        too broad to afford
                them the comfort of one another's solace
                       as they quietly died inside
                               too tired to fight
                too ashamed of their own participation
                        in this most shameful demise
             they closed their eyes
                     and dreamed of better days
                              as she concluded
                                      that webs were best left
                                             to the work of spiders ...
                                                              - Michelle McKinney Hammond

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." - Shakespeare

When does it begin?  A glance. A smile.

His eyes. His lips. His hands. His touch.

Femininity. Womanly expertise. She feeds his soul and he basks in her attention, well-loved and well-appreciated.

A dangerous dance that ends up costing more that it gains.

To feed the soul, then to stand back and see what comes to fruition.

A Palm Tree

Today I stand on the threshold of a new year … a new beginning!  With a thankful heart I am relieved that I have survived 2011 with my life, health and yet still happiness.

I do reflect over 2011 and am thankful for so many successes. Two happy daughters. Milestones conquered. Health. New friendships. Deep relationships. Messages from heaven. My family whole. Employment in a high unemployment economy. That our needs are met every day and that we long for nothing. This list can go much longer. 

As a categorizing girl even my lists cannot be labeled as it was a good year or it was a bad year. It was a year in my life with blessings still showered on me in the midst of a few giants.

It is natural to be excited about a fresh start, a brand new year, new dreams and unmarked possibilities. Even 2012 will have giants to endure.

The Bible is beyond comprehension with its parables that span thousands of years. Always with prayer I seek strength and today my heart was reminded by my Magical Highlighter as I read Joel Osteen daily devotional:

Have you ever seen a palm tree in the midst of a great storm? That tree may be bent so far over that it’s almost touching the ground, but when the wind finally stops, that palm tree bounces right back up. What’s interesting is that while that palm tree is hunched over under the pressure of the storm, it is actually growing stronger?

The reason God said we’d flourish like a palm tree is because He knew there would be difficult times. He knew things would come against us to try to steal our joy and victory. God said, “You’re going to be like a palm tree because when the storms of life blow, you are going to come right back up stronger than before.” Nothing can hold you back! No weapon formed against you will prosper.

As you reflect on the events over the last year, remember, the storms you have encountered have only made you stronger. You are wiser, you are more alive, and you are headed for victory. You’re brightest days are right out in front of you! – JOEL OSTEEN

The very same God that brought me safely through the last 41 years of my life will be there in 2012, too.

New year, I embrace you. New dreams, I welcome you. Unmarked possibilities, I receive you. New giants, I endure you but I introduce you to my God.

A life well lived is built one day at a time.

In the Desert

I read an analogy about being in the desert today. The story of a journey from God’s promise to a “promised land” that ended up in a desert for 40 years. For 40 years. In a desert.

This is me. I’m hoping not 40 years though.

My whole life I have loved love.

I had a revelation of my own. I am pretty good at words of affirmations. Someone special recently took my words of praise as not sincere. That I am merely good at praise, with a host of empty words ready to say. He was wrong.

Caught off guard, I had to quickly get the last 20 years summed up in my own mind before I could explain it to him, which had me thinking about my own story.

In my 20’s I was a princess brat. Love was mostly surface, hot tempered and replaceable. In my early 30’s I just had a little more experience and with a touch of real life that taught me humble pie, I did get myself into bad situations which calmed me down a bit. It wasn’t until my late 30’s that I began to really love. Deeply.

The agape kind of love where I wanted to seek it, read it, lose myself in it and perfect it.

It was during these last few years that I came to understand agape love and words of affirmations. Magical words that bring life from ordinary to extraordinaire!

Watching empty hearts come alive with sincere words of praise has taught me the power of words and even more, the power of love.

Words said are always true and sincere. If heard too much, they lose their power. This is a new balance I am learning.

When I look back over my own journey through the desert of life, I can now see the personal growth when all I used to see was broken dreams.

It was never about broken dreams. My year’s in the desert was God’s love protecting me from my own choices. God loving me too much to leave me where I thought I wanted to be, grooming me, while providing for me all along.

This desert has a beauty of its own. Initially it sounds barren and desolate; however, there is much beauty in the desert.

Strength. Endurance. Patience. Faith. Hope. Love.

Words of affirmations.

1st Anniversary of His Death

As a mom I have anticipated, planned, prepared, dreaded, and lamented over the next approaching milestone a year brings in order to buffer as much as mommy-powers can and prevent any unwanted emotions for my Brooke.

This is empathy. It is protection. It is compassion. It love for my little girl.

There are no rule books on how to handle each situation that arises or that prepares you for the dreaded unplanned moments that blindside bringing fresh tears and raw emotions to life again.

I’ve planned ahead and worried for today.

Does Brooke remember the anniversary date?  I look into her eyes days ago to ask the question. Sometimes I forget to breathe when I am trying to look calm and happy. Inside the pressure in my chest wants to suffocate me.

Brooke answers very matter-of-factly, “Yes I remember, my calendar is marked.”

Calendar?  Not prepared for her okay-ness which through me off, then she has a calendar?

Tonight Brooke will get her first spa experience of a mommy & daughter massage. We will get our massages, pick up ice cream sundaes on the way home where we will watch our DVR’d SpongeBob episodes in remembrance of her dad.

Today I woke up unexpectedly happy. Instead of dread, I woke up to the realization that our year of firsts is over!

We made it!  The past year is now a memory.

Grandma drove Brooke to school today and sent me this email …

Driving Brooke to school we got about 50 raindrops on our wind shield...Just as we pulled up to her school she noticed a huge rainbow…( just beyond school parking lot)  When she noticed it , it was vague....it become brighter and brighter and it almost glowed!!!! As soon as she walked inside the school , it faded......I told Brooke , I bet that’s from your Dad saying how happy he is in Heaven.....I made sure I didn't say it in a way to make her feel bad and she was fine with it.. While she ate her scrambled eggs she turned on sponge Bob ..:)

I haven't felt Keith's presence in over six months. Brooke said she hasn't either. Today though, we did get a message from heaven.

Love remembers.

One Year

One year.

December 19, 2010, the anniversary of Brooke’s dad’s death.

I am so thankful one year is almost a memory.

One year of milestones. A father-daughter dance. Birthdays. Holidays. Father’s Day. A first birthday without a daddy. A year of no more weekends with him. A lot of firsts with uncertainty and no rule book on how to handle them with care.

One year of living through a tragic death and picking up the pieces again.

One year of fear. One year of running to the battle line. How do I protect her heart?

I need to get this one year behind us.

I thank God it is one year later.

Lou Gehrigs Disease

It was just a few short weeks ago that I received another life-changing phone call.

My ex-husband, my Mariah’s dad, called to give me his diagnosis from five months of testing … Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

This was not familiar to me, so I asked, “What does this mean?” He replied, “It means I have 2-3 years to live.”

A simple phone call. Life changes. Forever.

It was less than a year ago that I received the phone call that my youngest daughter Brooke’s dad died.

There is a unique blend of feelings that collide during a phone call like this. It is suffocation. It is pain. It is memories. Tears become uncontrollable. Breathe. My daughter. Her dad. It is letting bygones be bygones. It is forgiveness. It is, “How do we get through this?”

As we approach the anniversary of Brooke’s dad passing, we have another tragic death approaching. This death won’t be sudden like the other. This one will be aggressive, a loss of quality of life to a tragic end. 

I have two hearts that hurt, my Mariah and my Brooke. I have two daughters that will experience life without a dad.

It doesn’t seem real to experience such loss and pain with one child, let alone both.

Life in perspective. Letting bygones be bygones.

A new journey called Lou Gehrigs Disease.

Caramel

“There are two kinds of people in this world, those who like caramel and those who don’t”, I stated.

That’s pretty much how our friendship started standing in line at Starbucks. We were discussing Starbuck’s new Salted Caramel Mocha. 

I categorize. I don’t like caramel. You either like it or you don’t.

Which lead me one step further, “It’s like science fiction, you either like it or you don’t.”

That is pretty much how the humor in our friendship began and since then, life became categorized.

You eat meat or you don’t. He was vegan. I am not.

You like coffee or you don’t. I tend to cringe inside when someone says they don’t drink coffee.  Not a friendship breaker, but a category I have to remember in the future.

You drink milk or you are either lactose intolerant or a super vegan.

You either like cats or you prefer dogs.

Our lists go on and on.

Either you are really funny or you are not.  I think I am really funny. He agreed. 

See? We did have common ground.

You have better opportunities or you do not.

JA, I wish you the very best and I miss you very much.

Smartmouthfullness

I laughed when Mariah commented this morning, “I have been watching my smartmouthfulness with you lately” she innocently said like the better child as she was very frustrated with her morning moody sister.

Smartmouthfulness.

I like this word. 

Mariah is my sweeter child. Happy. Good-natured. Funny. Sweet.

Brooke is a bit more like me personality wise. I try to explain to her frustrated sister that Brooke is moody.  Nobody can deal with Brooke’s mood swings well, but me.  That’s because I ignore her. 

When I am feeling a little on edge, I would prefer for everyone to stay out of my path and not talk to me.  It’s rather simple. 

You cannot get moody to go away, especially by confrontation. It goes away on its own with time like the morning fog.  Then balance is restored and we now have a bit demanding Brooke.  I don’t blame Brooke, she comes by it naturally. She is strong and independent with occasional mood swings.

I am often thankful Mariah is more sweet-natured like her dad.

WARNING:  Smartmouthfulness may cause reaction and me to not ignore mood swings.

Ahhhhh … the life and beauty of having a teenage and a pre-teen daughter. 

Love In Her Tears

Last night one of my dearest friends called me and told me she had to share something then she began to cry.

Her tears were love. Her tears were frustration for me. Her tears were the tears of true friendship in a message she did not want to deliver.

Disappointment I can handle.  Love and warmth in the pure tears of a friend holds a special healing balm.

Not knowing what I was about to hear, calm came over me and I asked her to please not cry, regardless I will be fine.

In life we have many disappointments and heartbreaks.

Disappointments and heartbreaks are the result of something good that doesn’t end well. It is the good in the disappointment that I cherish.

Take away my capacity of pain

 and you rob me of the possibility of joy.

There is a purpose for everything that happens.  It is the purpose that fills me with wonder.

Today I read:

If you are living and breathing, your purpose has not yet been fulfilled. No matter what you have done or what has been done to you, God does have a plan for your life.

Single Is a Season

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: … a time to plant and a time to uproot … a time to tear down and a time to build … a time to embrace and a time to refrain … a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend … a time to love 

                                                                        ECCLESIASTES 3:1-3, 5-8

Being single is a gift. A gift to be lived. A time to appreciate. It is only a season.

A time to allow yourself to heal before you attempt to love.

I appreciate this time in my life and often wonder if I would be climbing the walls if I were in the confines of marriage. I’m guessing I would be. I love love. I also love the freedom of unlimited opportunity.

For the most part I am routine, structure and calm. Then the wind blows … and my unsettled spirit comes alive.

So many choices in life. Unlimited options, I embrace you.  

One of my favorite authors, Michelle McKinney Hammond writes:

In other words, take the time that you’ve been given to become the best you that you can be.  Redeem the time.  Don’t just tread water, go somewhere. Move forward and upward. Prepare yourself. Occupy your life fully until someone asks you to make room for him. Enjoy this season, for you know not when the weather will change. Yes, my sister, keep time and know that change is inevitable.

For my friends who look at single as a negative of being “alone” … change your perspective and look at it for the blessing of what it really is.

Make the most of this season.  

Thank You Power

A good day at work. A good day at school for my girls.

A favorite meal cooked and dinner is spent at the table laughing and talking as a family.

Warm and sunny outside. Windows open.

Happy. Healthy.

My littlest one comes and stands in my arms for a hug.

My oldest observes and wants a hug, too. A family hug.

Peace. Happiness.

Thank you power.

The Holiday

I vividly remember sitting in the movie theater when The Holiday came out a few years ago. Alone and broken, I sat with unexpected tears streaming down my face, my heart relating to words I understood too well …

Iris: Listen, I know it’s hard to believe people when they say "I know how you feel", but I actually know how you feel. You see, I was seeing someone back in London. We work for the same newspaper and then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah from the circulation department on the 19th floor. Turned out that he was not in love with me like I thought. What I am trying to say is, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Miles: That's what you’re doing here, your getting over somebody.

Iris: Yeah! This is me in good shape.

Miles: Is this the guy who sent you pages from his novel?

Iris: Yeah. He needs me.

Miles: So he stays in touch?

Iris: All the time.

Miles: So that makes it impossible to forget him; which is great for him but sucks for you.

I love this scene. Written by experience.

Brooke put this movie on tonight and I couldn’t help but watch this scene that Kate Winslet performed wonderfully.

How many times this scene played in my life? Different leading men in the role; me, left empty and feeling as insignificant as humanly possible.

Time fading … they get back in touch.

The Birds On 9-11

Today I experienced a moment that took my breath away with a group of teens.

A moment that had such an impact on me that I felt chills, pride and love for this group of kids I am just getting to know.

I sit on the Board for the Stark County Urban Teen Leadership Academy (SCUTLA). A group of 28 teenagers from 6 local area high schools that participate in a 7-month program with each day being dedication to a selected topic (Travel & Tourism, Government, Manufacturing, Diversity, Current Issues, Higher Education, Personal Success). This program is the first leadership group of its kind in Stark County for teens. Today was the first day of the first class. The Class of 2012.

Today was “Travel & Tourism” and I had the honor of hosting this very first day.

Our event-filled day ended with an ArtsinStark tour of galleries in downtown Canton.

Here is where my moment began …

We enter an art gallery filled only with art as a tribute to the upcoming anniversary of 9-11.

As in each gallery, the teens are engaging in quiet conversation and enjoying themselves.

I approach a unique piece hanging in the middle of the room. Two tiles representing the Twin Towers with birds dangling below. The gallery owner encouraged me to read the letter on the wall, the description of the artist’s inspiration for her piece.

Reading the inspiration behind this piece, chills came in waves over my body.

Soft chatter among the teens filled the gallery and I gathered and encouraged them to read about this unique piece themselves.

A couple of the guys wandered over, others followed. The one that had been there first, the loner of the group, the quiet one, that had been reading to him self started at the beginning again and began to read to the others in a hushed tone.

Silence filled the gallery and I witnessed a moment that took my breath away. The boy, with a speech impediment, read the letter. A moment I captured in a photograph.

The artist, a mom, asked her little girl what she remembered the most about 9-11. The little girl told her mommy she remembers all the birds in the sky by the Twin Towers. The mom was perplexed as she knew there were no birds flying in the air after the first plane hit, then the second.

Her daughter described the birds in the air when the artist realized her little girl was actually speaking of the people. Human beings that jumped out of windows to their own death. Escaping the heat and horror of what had struck them. America watching in horror.

A tragedy forever etched in our minds.

An artist’s tribute to her daughters memory of 9-11 hanging in the middle of a gallery. An artist, a mom, hoping her little girl never realizes that it was not birds as she remembers, rather people.

Each of those teens stood in silence. The gallery was silent, but for the voice a student.

I realized I was holding my breath.

A moment that took my breath away.

A moment and a memory I had to capture.

“May I please take a picture of this?” I whispered to the gallery owner. She nods her head.

I remember suddenly my battery is dead in my camera. Maybe it has life for one photograph?  Please God. My camera captures the moment then loses power.

Patriotism. History. Respect. Teens.

An artists tribute to 9-11.

Sassy, Single & Satisfied

I am always reading books to stretch my mind and grow as a person.

As I have embraced and entered the 40’s and fabulous stage in my life I have learned, mostly over the last few years, to truly love at a deeper level.

No longer is just love about a feeling, an emotion, a sight. Love is a verb, an action word. What are my actions when life happens?

In Sassy, Single & Satisfied, Michelle McKinney Hammond writes:

The purest delight of love is pouring out all that you have on one who recognizes the worth of your offerings, but that might not always be the case. Give anyway.

When you give love to someone, they will never be the same because of you. Love is deep, profound, and life-changing. Not everyone has the capacity or the ability to respond to it adeptly, yet it never fails to affect all that it touches. For some, the effect of love is more immediate. For others, it reshapes their hearts. You will never know the full effect of your love in the lives of some.

Years later, the recipient will pause to remember a word you spoke, a gesture you offered and ponder its effect on their lives. Love is everlasting.

Such is the cycle of true love, to give and give again. It is in the giving that you get what you are looking for.

~ 

That doesn’t sound very happily ever after, to give and give again; but, love is a verb, an action word. 

The invisible cord that keeps hearts connected.  

Feast or Famine

Dating has its seasons. I refer to them as feast or famine.

Feasting is the season where opportunities are plenty, rich in abundance and where we dwell in gratification and delight. 

Feastings contradictory polar opposite, famine, is its very definition, extreme scarcity.

Both are very real seasons in dating. I reside in feasting. For the moment.

Old.  Familiar. New.

Experience says not to let this go to my head, but to handle with care.

Slightly blindsided from an unexpected phone call this morning, “Do you like being single or do you want me to come back?”  Holy Spirit … 911! 

Head over heart decision. Logic versus love.

Or, is it love versus logic … heart over head?

Seasons do not last, handle with prayer.

Only time will tell.

Realization

re·al·i·za·tion

 

• the act of realizing or the state of being realized.
• an instance or result of realizing.

Friday night football and Brooke asks to go hang out with her friends.

No, she is only 11 years old.

Mariah and I are driving to drop her off at the game when Mariah asks why Brooke doesn’t want to go?  I explain that a very disappointed Brooke is too young.

Mariah reminds me that I let her “see & be seen” at football games when she was Brooke’s age.

I did?

Realization hits me. Hard.

Yes, Brooke is in the middle school.  A natural progression in life after elementary school.  Old enough to hang out with friends at a game?  I am uncertain why that feels so significant to me.

I call Brooke and tell her she can go and to quickly get ready.

Spirit wear is important!  We raid Mariah’s closet.  Finding a shirt, wild socks and tennis shoes.  Mariah sees her sister and asks if she had fun raiding her closet? Brooke beams.  She is alive and she has arrived!

Friday night football. A sea of purple and gold. Lights. Excitement. Kids everywhere.

I sit in the middle of the grand stand seating. Safely where my kids are cool and independent.  Under watchful eye for safety sake.

Fortunately, at half-time Brooke had enough. She doesn’t do well in crowds and was getting hot and feeling claustrophobic. 

Thrilled I let her see & be seen, Friday night football was pure satisfaction.

Another unexpected realization that both my girls are truly becoming independent young ladies.

Laundry List

I am getting my fire back.

I am making my laundry list of the things I want to do, the fun I want to have and embracing the world of unlimited options, again.

It is a pattern in my life when relationship ends.  I allow myself time to be true to my heart and heal a bit. Not to run around with my hair on fire, meeting to new people that I am not emotionally ready for.  That is another whole mess breaking another’s heart.

Handle one emotion at a time then jump back into life with both feet!

That is exactly where I am at now. 

Life is full of unlimited options.

Today, I am going to join a gym. Social outlet.  Mental therapy.  I need it.  A no kid zone!

Driving into work today I had a phone conversation with one of my morning commute girlfriends, often the best time of day to talk without interruptions. She is going to Put-in-Bay this Labor Day weekend.  I love Put-in-Bay … the little Key West of the north!

A must add to my laundry list of fun.

I am lucky to have handful of girlfriends that are single right now, it makes being single even better.

Autumn is coming.  Football games. Zip lining. End of summer concerts. Motorcycles.  Live music. Wineries I haven’t been to.  Art shows.  Basketball season. The list goes on …

I am a resilient being.

A strength of being an eternal optimist.

Today I warmly embrace my clean slate, new laundry list in life.

The single laundry list.   

Happy

Today I am happy.

My relationship with Billy ended 2 months ago.

I say it ended, because a dear friend made the comment to me that for the last two months, I have said we are separated. Separated is temporary. It was my hope our separation would be temporary.

Everyone in my life knows I love Billy. I deeply loved him and I still do.

When you deeply love someone in the purest way, you keep of a piece of them in tucked away in a special place in your heart forever.

I gave myself two months. 

Know what your heart can handle and handle with care.  “In a relationship” is now off Facebook and our pictures are down.  A conversation I can handle now. 

I filled my months with sitting still and fun.

Time heals. So does having every one of your senses come “alive” again!

It involves quite possibly the most beautiful man I have ever met. Did I say sexy, smart, and stimulating? I’m beaming!

In fact, I find myself walking around smiling a lot.

There are no guarantees in life to me beyond the fact that God is God and I unconditionally love my daughters.

There are definitely no guarantees with men.

I am completely okay if he is Mr. Right Now.  Right now I am being filled with magical words and magical emotions. He is a gift.

Today is Billy’s 43^rd birthday and today doesn’t hurt at all.

Today I am happy.

1/2 of a Birthday Present

For Mariah’s 16^th birthday last weekend, my ex-husband, his wife and I planned a luau.  We spent the evening shopping together, and hosted a luau celebration with both sides of our families.

When it came to Mariah’s expensive birthday gift, we split that too. 

Brooke asks “Mom, who are you going to split my birthday gift with?”  In fear she won’t get the same quality gifts her sister does. 

I promise her that she will always receive the same financial amount of gifts that her sister gets.  Brooke’s dad passed away 8 months ago.

Brooke’s 12^th birthday is in two months. 

She is excited.  My heart hurts. 

Her first birthday without her daddy. 

Keith always went overboard on birthdays, holidays and never brought Brooke home from his weekend with her without a present. 

Gifts were his love language.

Ensuring Brooke gets the same quality gifts as her big sister, she asks again “Mom, who are you going to split my birthday gift with?”  She needs an answer.  She wants an answer.

Do not cry, I yell in my own mind.  My chest hurts.  Tears want to surface.

“Brookie, I am going to split your birthday gifts with your daddy.  I will pay for ½ your gift and the other ½ will come out of daddy’s social security.” 

Brooke smiles.  Satisfaction.  I believe that was the exact answer she was hoping for.

I think of Brooke’s upcoming birthday in November and I think I have figured out the PERFECT birthday gift that will bring incredible happiness to her heart!

It will be from her mommy & daddy.

Impossible

adjective

1. not possible
2. unable to be done, performed, effected
3. not to be done with any degree of reason
4. utter impracticable

In the natural, impossible is not a word we often say.

It is a thought.  An adjective that has been planted deep in our minds that we accept.

An impossible situation.  An impossible plan. A roadblock.

Contrary to reason. Hopeless. Unachievable. Unattainable. Inconceivable.

NOT a definition of my God. J

God has no limitations …. and he is in the business of miracles.  

Know who to turn to when impossible presents itself.

16 Candles

Happy birthday, happy birthday, baby
Oh, I love you so

Sixteen candles make a lovely light
But not as bright as your eyes tonight
Blow out the candles, make your wish come true
For I'll be wishing that you love me, too

You're only sixteen
But you're my teenage queen
You're the prettiest, loveliest girl I've ever seen

Sixteen candles in my heart will glow
For ever and ever for I love you so

My Mariah turned 16 years old.

My life forever changed on August 20, 1995.  I will also say it was the most painful day of my life. Natural labor. On accident.

I remember distinctly her being placed in my arms and knowing life has forever changed, but I didn’t really understand how much so at that point in my life.

I also didn’t know unconditional love until I held it. 

Fast forward …

My beautiful baby girl is now 16 years old. 

Even though she celebrated 16 wonderful years with a fabulous luau … a 16^th birthday isn’t complete without 16 Candles by the Crests being played.  Make a wish baby girl!

Sixteen candles in my heart will glow
For ever and ever for I love you so

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

Blessings

I received an award on behalf of our corporate office for a 44% increase in the 2010 United Way Campaign for Summit County and a personal “thank you” from Mrs. Brennan.  A campaign I agree to spearhead on an every-other-year basis. When Ed say’s I have to do the campaign, it means he needs it to be successful.  I give him successful then I say, “I’m not doing it next year!”  He smiles and lets me off the hook. Next year I’m off the hook.  J

The ladies from the American Heart Association Go Red for Women, my favorite event of the year, asked if I would be in their Macy’s photo for 2012 in Akron Lifestyle magazine.  A photo shoot I am looking forward to!

An unexpected $48 check from my insurance company arrived, a refund on my other car with the multi-policy discount, thanks to my new car.

A $50 Visa gift card arrived from Direct Energy, a “please come back” thank you.

Purchasing raffle items at Best Buy for a work event = $4.10 per gallon with Giant Eagle Fuel Perks (to me this is driving for 3 weeks for FREE!) as well as a $50 Best Buy complimentary gift card for selecting the one key item.

Mileage for business trips = extra income.

Krispy Kreme donates 500 FREE doughnuts for a work event that turns into 600 FREE doughnuts, then added yet an extra dozen = 612 FREE doughnuts.

The toilet in my girl’s bathroom had a running leak in the back of the tank.  The sound of the running water was annoying, but it could have waited to be fixed.  My dad did his best to fix it, but it was so old that it broke.  My dad felt bad and replaced it with a new & feminine toilet = free.

Blessings showered on me from many bizarre directions.  Sounds very nice, huh?

I recently read as long as you stay in prayer, you will receive blessings.

I am thankful for these blessings, but these are not the things I am praying for. 

An Amazing Summer!

Brooke and I were saying our "prayers & happy thoughts" this week as I was about to kiss her goodnight. 

Saying her prayers she said, "Thank you God for such an amazing summer ..." she went on for a while and said, "Amen."

I watched her and thought about her prayer, Brooke thanking God for such an amazing summer.  I silently thanked God for being such an amazing God.

Brooke's daddy has been dead for 7 months now.  Not only is she happy and well-adjusted, she is "thankful" to God and has enjoyed her summer immensely. 

Brooke has been covered in love and prayers, so much so that she is still happy after a life-changing tragedy.

Healing. Grace. Love.

When tragedy happens and you need miracle ... thank God that He is in the business of miracles!

Her Daddy's Presence

A couple of weeks ago, Brooke and I stopped by my parent’s new condo.  They had their friends over visiting so we stayed for a short time talking.

Somehow we got onto the subject of sharing stories of strange happenings once a family or loved one has passed.

Stories that give you goose bumps.

We were about to leave and I wanted to share the story of the light in Brooke’s bedroom the day we buried her daddy.

I asked my mom to take Brooke outside, so she couldn’t hear.  My fear was if she heard it, she would be afraid to sleep in her room.

I share my experience, we say our goodbye’s and we head home.

In the car Brooke was furious with me. Feeling I wasn’t being honest with her about something causing her to leave the room. I explain to her that some conversations are not for her to hear.  She was very upset with me and she wouldn’t drop the subject.

In frustration, I told her it was a story about her daddy.  That sometimes I feel his presence. 

She point blank says, “I feel his presence, too!” 

I am caught off guard.  I ask her, “What do you mean you feel his presence?”

Brooke said, “I smell him in my room sometimes.” Whoa, I ask her why she never told me this before?  We are a no-secrets household! 

Brooke shares with me that it has happened only a couple of times where she will have a really good dream and wakes up happy to the smell his cologne filling her room. 

She said that if you smell his ruby ring hard enough, you can smell him, but that the smell in her room is much stronger like he is right there.

My heart hurts for her that she smells his ring to smell her daddy.

She said she isn’t afraid at all, that it makes her feel good. 

I’m glad she finds comfort in this. 

I admit, sometimes it rattles my nerves.

It's ok to not be ok

A perfect title for today.  It’s okay to not be okay. 

Today would have been Karen & Berg’s 3^rd anniversary.  Three years ago today, 8-8-08 we were sipping champagne preparing for her wedding ceremony.  Today, a day of heartache for my dear friend, Berg died only months ago after a battle with pancreatic cancer. 

A week ago, I drove to the beach to spend time with her. She is healing on the shores of a beautiful beach. Sitting still. We talked for hours. Knowing today was just around the corner.

Oh, how special days linger in our hearts with the sense of dread approaching that fills us with emptiness and pain.

Today, another dear friend has a loved one facing medical testing and a series of scans to determine if all the cancer was removed from surgery last week as pathology results come in from lymph nodes that were removed.

Hearts are not okay today and it is okay to not be okay.

an inspirational entry about not pretending

"Is everything ok, Al?" My twin sister asked. "You seem kinda blue."

My first instinct was to feign a smile and pretend like everything was just fine. But deep down, I really wasn't, though I couldn't really put my finger on why. All I knew was in that moment, I felt anxious about many things in my uncertain twenty-something life: what direction my career would take, where I would live, whether I would get that job I applied for, if I would ever fall in love with that "right" person, and much more. As I struggled to give my sister an honest answer, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "It's okay to not be okay all the time."

It is okay...to not be okay.

Sometimes we think being a strong Christian means we have to be happy and cheerful all the time. While it is true that God gives us supernatural portions of joy when we know Him personally, there are times in life we will experience moments, days, even seasons of difficulty, pain, anguish, suffering and trials of many kinds. The Scriptures give us more than enough evidence of this fact: just read the Psalms, or study the lives of Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Paul, Jesus or any other major figure in the Bible. They didn't live lives free from suffering or struggle, but they endured and persevered through them by the grace and strength of their God.

Here are a few things that can help us through our 'not okay' moments of life:

Pour our Heart out to God

Learn to be Vulnerable

Have the Courage to Cry.

Persevere through the Valley.

We all have times of feeling less than our best. But God doesn't want us to run away from it or shove it under the rug like its nothing. It is often in this 'not ok' place that God is doing a deeper work within us. He allows moments of moaning, groaning, suffering, struggling, trials and tears to achieve His higher purposes.

So let me say it one more time: It is okay to not be okay, today. May you have the willingness to pour your heart out to God, the humility to be vulnerable in front of your loved ones, the courage to cry a river of tears, the strength to persevere through the valley and the hope that God will bring you through!