I had an epiphany this week in regards to my relationship with Bobby.
While watching a romantic comedy with Brooke a scene played where a boy stood at the alter with his lifelong love. Standing in place of the groom during the rehearsal, when he had to make up the grooms vows. Words that really came from his heart.
Words of love that came from him that should have been the grooms own words. Words that hit a direct target in the heart of the bride-to-be and the realization washed over her who really loved her most ... not her betrothed, but her best friend.
It was a wonderfully romantic scene and in that moment, I had an epiphany.
I felt a moment of revelation and insight into my relationship with Bobby that left me feeling free, empowered, and ready to move on in life without him.
I'm cured!
Besides the fact that he has been a rock in my life for the last 5 years, besides the fact that I admire him as a most amazing man, besides the fact that I respect him above all others ... he and I butt heads like crazy!
We feely snap at one another and take unspoken time outs for weeks and sometimes months at a time. We both have strong personalities and besides all the wonderful feelings of undeniable chemistry, genuine friendship, and caring, we feel comfortable aggravating each other knowing there won't be long-term effects.
This week I was aggravated with him and my epiphany put me over the moon. I felt suddenly better and free in my own heart that often betrays me when it comes to him.
Everything is great.
I feel freeeeeeeeeeeee.
I am driving downtown today in my car going through an intersection, when I see a dark SUV coming at me from my left at the very same time! My mind starts to panic and I quickly glance at the light to make sure I had the green light and I did when I see the goofball in the SUV coming at me waving to me.
It was my goofball. In an undercover vehicle.
Aggravation instantly dissolved.
Knowing it was him shattered my newfound and embraced epiphany into a million pieces.
Tonight we talked. Not a thing has changed in our world.
Other than I nagged and insisted that he needs to go to the doctor.
I love that I love him in a way that just won't dissolve.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Touched By An Angel
I found out yesterday that my grandmother had been in the hospital this past week and I called her.
After bringing me up-to-speed with her condition, Grandma said, "I saw an angel."
She had my undivided attention!
She told me how she was sleeping and felt a touch on her shoulder. When she opened her eyes a very tall, beautiful woman, an angel was standing next to her with giant bright white wings.
My mind raced with a million questions. She said it only lasted a matter of seconds, but her wings were so large and bright. I asked her when this happened, she said Friday.
For the record, my grandmother is not crazy. Her behavior has been colorful by choice in the past, but her mind is super sharp. She told the nurses and they assured her either she was close to death or she was going to be fine. My grandmother is fine now, after a week of dehydration and severe flu symptoms and she gets to go home today.
I had chills when she was sharing her story, for reasons beyond her sharing she was touched by an angel.
Let me back up a bit ... Friday I was driving to the store and I felt a moment of feeling really unsettled. I said a quick prayer of safety for my girls, my home, my mom & dad on their vacation, and for my grandmother, "she is alone, put your angels with her, and keep her safe."
It's one thing to pray for supernatural safety in blind faith, it's another to realize your specific prayer may have become a manifestation. There is a whole new awareness with that, an understanding of the power of prayer at a deeper level.
I wonder if she was close to death and the angel was already there.
I wonder if her end of time on earth is near.
I wonder if it was the 6th sense of a granddaughter that sensed her grandmother needed a prayer states away.
After bringing me up-to-speed with her condition, Grandma said, "I saw an angel."
She had my undivided attention!
She told me how she was sleeping and felt a touch on her shoulder. When she opened her eyes a very tall, beautiful woman, an angel was standing next to her with giant bright white wings.
My mind raced with a million questions. She said it only lasted a matter of seconds, but her wings were so large and bright. I asked her when this happened, she said Friday.
For the record, my grandmother is not crazy. Her behavior has been colorful by choice in the past, but her mind is super sharp. She told the nurses and they assured her either she was close to death or she was going to be fine. My grandmother is fine now, after a week of dehydration and severe flu symptoms and she gets to go home today.
I had chills when she was sharing her story, for reasons beyond her sharing she was touched by an angel.
Let me back up a bit ... Friday I was driving to the store and I felt a moment of feeling really unsettled. I said a quick prayer of safety for my girls, my home, my mom & dad on their vacation, and for my grandmother, "she is alone, put your angels with her, and keep her safe."
It's one thing to pray for supernatural safety in blind faith, it's another to realize your specific prayer may have become a manifestation. There is a whole new awareness with that, an understanding of the power of prayer at a deeper level.
I wonder if she was close to death and the angel was already there.
I wonder if her end of time on earth is near.
I wonder if it was the 6th sense of a granddaughter that sensed her grandmother needed a prayer states away.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A Gazelle
The universe is active, guys are in hot pursuit.
A funny conversation with a too hot for his own good, dangerously sexy player, says to me that he is a lion and I am his prey. Okay, I'm smiling and I'm going to play. I'm about to text him that I cannot be caught because I am a gazelle, except I'm not 100% how to spell gazelle. Is it with an a, e or i?
A quick Google search brings up a couple of links verifying the spelling, but it is the Urban Dictionary link that catches my attention:
Oh my gosh, I am a gazelle.
This explains my panic with my 30 year old friend who wants to be a part of my life.
I was being coy with the player today, refusing to easily give into his tempting pursuit. I didn't realize that the very animal known for running at high speeds to out run its predator has also been labeled as one of us who run from permanency in relationships.
A gazelle is a softer term then being called a black widow though, which was the term I used to hear a lot 10 years ago.
Neither are terms I'm happy with. I wish I had the gene in me that made me happy and content to simply settle and be happy with someone.
You would think the older you get one would want to settle down, but it's actually the opposite. The older I get the less I could imagine anyone trespassing on my freedom.
This is making my heart sad tonight.
Maybe, someday, there will be one who is completely available and we will both want forever together. I'm really hoping.
A funny conversation with a too hot for his own good, dangerously sexy player, says to me that he is a lion and I am his prey. Okay, I'm smiling and I'm going to play. I'm about to text him that I cannot be caught because I am a gazelle, except I'm not 100% how to spell gazelle. Is it with an a, e or i?
A quick Google search brings up a couple of links verifying the spelling, but it is the Urban Dictionary link that catches my attention:
Oh my gosh, I am a gazelle.
This explains my panic with my 30 year old friend who wants to be a part of my life.
I was being coy with the player today, refusing to easily give into his tempting pursuit. I didn't realize that the very animal known for running at high speeds to out run its predator has also been labeled as one of us who run from permanency in relationships.
A gazelle is a softer term then being called a black widow though, which was the term I used to hear a lot 10 years ago.
Neither are terms I'm happy with. I wish I had the gene in me that made me happy and content to simply settle and be happy with someone.
You would think the older you get one would want to settle down, but it's actually the opposite. The older I get the less I could imagine anyone trespassing on my freedom.
This is making my heart sad tonight.
Maybe, someday, there will be one who is completely available and we will both want forever together. I'm really hoping.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Daily Details In a Window Front View
Imagine ... sharing a NYC chic office space with a best girlfriend, desks facing each other right next to GIANT windows overlooking downtown. The perfect office. The very best view. A best girlfriend. Work and girlfriend time combined.
Welcome to my world.
It was Christin that called me last autumn asking if I was ready to work again. There was a new position with a rapidly growing company that my career experience had prepared me for. She planted the seed and the executive team was excited to meet me before I interviewed and here I am.
Every day facing a best friend in a stunning office, working while sharing details of our lives with each other. You know, the stuff girls talk about. Purging our minds, our thoughts, and feelings over every subject, no topic off limits.
It's been an exhausting week. Giving 110% mentally to my new role with unlimited opportunities. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. Business travel. It's Friday night and I am completely spent.
I can't help but think how blessed I am.
Challenged. Stimulated. Career girl.
It's the daily details in a window front view with a best friend that makes everything perfect.
Welcome to my world.
It was Christin that called me last autumn asking if I was ready to work again. There was a new position with a rapidly growing company that my career experience had prepared me for. She planted the seed and the executive team was excited to meet me before I interviewed and here I am.
Every day facing a best friend in a stunning office, working while sharing details of our lives with each other. You know, the stuff girls talk about. Purging our minds, our thoughts, and feelings over every subject, no topic off limits.
It's been an exhausting week. Giving 110% mentally to my new role with unlimited opportunities. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. Business travel. It's Friday night and I am completely spent.
I can't help but think how blessed I am.
Challenged. Stimulated. Career girl.
It's the daily details in a window front view with a best friend that makes everything perfect.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Unbribable
Brooke is unbribable.
Grandma used to pay her $1 up to a couple of dollars to taste a new food when she was little. It worked after much begging and financial bargaining, but Brooke soon realized that Grandma would pay a good amount for her to simply try a new food. She is a hardcore negotiator.
That wasn't the way I was raised.
Now that Brooke has her own income from social security, you cannot pay her $20 - $50 to try a new food. She doesn't care about your money, she has her own. "No thanks, I don't need your money." Poor Mariah would eat dog food for $5 I'm betting.
Tonight, when we went out for dinner I asked Brooke to please take a bite and try steamed broccali.
"What will you give me?" Here we go.
"What do you want?" I put the ball in her court.
She wanted a free day off school. No, she just had one she won in a bargain.
We sat their for 5 minutes brainstorming what would be a fair award in Brooke's mind worthy enough of tasting the broccali. The broccali is getting cold by the minute.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass. No, she doesn't mind doing chores.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass when her and Mariah have a running list of chores. No, she would feel bad Mariah doing the work by herself.
There was nothing left ot bargain with, but my trump card ... the get out of church free pass ... but that will be offered and dangled like a golden carrot for the ultimate bribe under my terms and conditions.
We simply could not come up with anything tempting to her, so she just ate the broccali on the grounds that when we do come up with a good reward, she has already ate the price.
Unbribable. Spoiled. Brat.
Grandma used to pay her $1 up to a couple of dollars to taste a new food when she was little. It worked after much begging and financial bargaining, but Brooke soon realized that Grandma would pay a good amount for her to simply try a new food. She is a hardcore negotiator.
That wasn't the way I was raised.
Now that Brooke has her own income from social security, you cannot pay her $20 - $50 to try a new food. She doesn't care about your money, she has her own. "No thanks, I don't need your money." Poor Mariah would eat dog food for $5 I'm betting.
Tonight, when we went out for dinner I asked Brooke to please take a bite and try steamed broccali.
"What will you give me?" Here we go.
"What do you want?" I put the ball in her court.
She wanted a free day off school. No, she just had one she won in a bargain.
We sat their for 5 minutes brainstorming what would be a fair award in Brooke's mind worthy enough of tasting the broccali. The broccali is getting cold by the minute.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass. No, she doesn't mind doing chores.
I offered her a get out of chores free pass when her and Mariah have a running list of chores. No, she would feel bad Mariah doing the work by herself.
There was nothing left ot bargain with, but my trump card ... the get out of church free pass ... but that will be offered and dangled like a golden carrot for the ultimate bribe under my terms and conditions.
We simply could not come up with anything tempting to her, so she just ate the broccali on the grounds that when we do come up with a good reward, she has already ate the price.
Unbribable. Spoiled. Brat.
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Moment of Feeling Complete
In this life I have chased after sensationalism, fun, passion, romance, thrill, adrenaline, and every other adjective that makes me happy and feel alive.
I am guilty of loving adventure, creating OMGosh moments, and running on exhaustion in the name of fun and entertainment. I have a million memories that make me smile and I'm betting I win a prize at the end of my life for living a life thoroughly enjoyed and well lived.
Still, the moment of feeling complete is the most *magical* of them all.
When the one I love so much pulls me into his arms and kisses me, I desperately want time to stop and the world to slip away. It's him.
His voice. His scent. The one I love.
My heart heals and feels complete just being in his presence. From empty to full at the sound of his voice. I couldn't stay, I had to get back to work ... he was already in my head the moment his voice, arms, and lips pulled me in. He said it and knew it.
God knew exactly what He was doing when he said, "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
The moment of feeling complete.
Nothing compares to it.
I am guilty of loving adventure, creating OMGosh moments, and running on exhaustion in the name of fun and entertainment. I have a million memories that make me smile and I'm betting I win a prize at the end of my life for living a life thoroughly enjoyed and well lived.
Still, the moment of feeling complete is the most *magical* of them all.
When the one I love so much pulls me into his arms and kisses me, I desperately want time to stop and the world to slip away. It's him.
His voice. His scent. The one I love.
My heart heals and feels complete just being in his presence. From empty to full at the sound of his voice. I couldn't stay, I had to get back to work ... he was already in my head the moment his voice, arms, and lips pulled me in. He said it and knew it.
God knew exactly what He was doing when he said, "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
The moment of feeling complete.
Nothing compares to it.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Certain Conversations
After Keith's death, I couldn't talk about him or the situation for three months without crying. It was a welcome relief the day I was aware that I spoke about him in a normal manner and was okay.
I am in this very place, again.
Lou Gehrig's (ALS) is consuming Eric (my Mariah's dad). It's been a month since my last phone conversation with him that his wife, Kirsten, had to take over and translate. Now when he speaks, I have to walk to him very close and pay close attention to his words.
Lou Gehrig's is ruthless and brutal. Eric's quality of life is gone.
I've had a lot of opportunities to see and chat with him lately and he always has a smile on his face.
Mariah has said he has become very difficult to everyone but her (I know its because he loves her most in life). The disease does that, but every single time I have been there he smiles and happily chats with me.
I'm the ex-wife.
We met when I was 17 years old, he was 19. We went from being teens out of high school, to married, having Mariah, divorced, to learning how through the years to be really good at team parenting.
Nothing is accident and everything has a purpose. He and I together created Mariah who is an exceptional, beyond all others, amazing young woman. She is the very best of her dad and I.
I see him suffering in pain. I see his diaphragm weakening and he struggles to communicate as well as breathe with respiratory failure consuming him.
He always seems pleasantly pleased when I am there, smiles alot, and talks to me. I do my usual best to stay upbeat and happy in his presence, he struggles with laughing and he seems to enjoy my brief visits.
I pray for his peace. I pray that my daughter leaves no words left unsaid.
I'm not sure now how much time is left for him, he made the decision to not go on respiratory support and I respect that.
I'm thankful Eric and I let bygones be bygones. Though Mariah knows we team parent together better than anyone else I know, in his last days she knows we are friends.
There are certain conversations that bring tears that are no longer controllable.
At the mention of Eric, I see him in my mind struggling to breathe, in pain, and with a smile on his face. I see the heartache of my daughter and I know shortly what the future will bring and how her heart is going to break in an unconceivable way. I see both of my daughters dad's deaths, both tragic. Both of my daughter's future without their dad's they will both desperately miss and need there.
If you ask me about Eric, know that tears come with my reply.
I am in this very place, again.
Lou Gehrig's (ALS) is consuming Eric (my Mariah's dad). It's been a month since my last phone conversation with him that his wife, Kirsten, had to take over and translate. Now when he speaks, I have to walk to him very close and pay close attention to his words.
Lou Gehrig's is ruthless and brutal. Eric's quality of life is gone.
I've had a lot of opportunities to see and chat with him lately and he always has a smile on his face.
Mariah has said he has become very difficult to everyone but her (I know its because he loves her most in life). The disease does that, but every single time I have been there he smiles and happily chats with me.
I'm the ex-wife.
We met when I was 17 years old, he was 19. We went from being teens out of high school, to married, having Mariah, divorced, to learning how through the years to be really good at team parenting.
Nothing is accident and everything has a purpose. He and I together created Mariah who is an exceptional, beyond all others, amazing young woman. She is the very best of her dad and I.
I see him suffering in pain. I see his diaphragm weakening and he struggles to communicate as well as breathe with respiratory failure consuming him.
He always seems pleasantly pleased when I am there, smiles alot, and talks to me. I do my usual best to stay upbeat and happy in his presence, he struggles with laughing and he seems to enjoy my brief visits.
I pray for his peace. I pray that my daughter leaves no words left unsaid.
I'm not sure now how much time is left for him, he made the decision to not go on respiratory support and I respect that.
I'm thankful Eric and I let bygones be bygones. Though Mariah knows we team parent together better than anyone else I know, in his last days she knows we are friends.
There are certain conversations that bring tears that are no longer controllable.
At the mention of Eric, I see him in my mind struggling to breathe, in pain, and with a smile on his face. I see the heartache of my daughter and I know shortly what the future will bring and how her heart is going to break in an unconceivable way. I see both of my daughters dad's deaths, both tragic. Both of my daughter's future without their dad's they will both desperately miss and need there.
If you ask me about Eric, know that tears come with my reply.
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