The sun isn't even up and the battle continues.
This morning I informed Brooke that yesterday afternoon I did indeed go to the courthouse and filed unruly charges on her blatant disregard for any form of authority, her refusal to contribute effort in any area of her life, and her continuous shady behavior [insert the sky is falling ... which is always suicidal threats].
In Brooke's mind I have hit her with a bus, reversed it, and ran over her a million bzillion times.
As I explained calmly and rationally ... "This is your life Brooke. I'm willing to take this as far as you want to go. These are your choices and your consequences for your life."
I am guilty of knocking down mountains and keeping my daughter safe from her herself, her lack of maturity, and her destination of she is her father's daughter.
"The courts can't do anything", she says. We'll see.
There comes a point in a mother's life when you have protected your child from themselves for so long, they choose to continue to push the boundaries and love says, now I will allow you to feel the heat.
I feel strangely okay today. It's true, there is peace with acceptance. I've been one to battle hard my whole life and I did no less for my child; however, I've entered my own new level of tough love ... unruly charges.
May the courts be with you.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Body Check
Over a week ago I began sensing Brooke had some form of technology communication in her possession, thus began the bedroom/bathroom ransacking searches unbeknown to her.
The subtle pattern was there and my mom-radar was going off.
After a week of paying close attention, with no luck in finding a device I shared with David my concerns that I believed she had something in her possession.
Let's just say my mom-radar + his intelligence had a plan in place that included her first-ever body search in less than 24 hours.
Timing is everything because I had to catch the device on her because of countless hiding places being available and without forewarning to not alert her.
The plan was in place. David away from the house giving me the "Go!" Mariah in position as a witness with video rolling to keep all things from getting out of control.
I had hugged her casually and didn't feel a device. There was a moment of unexpected shock when I casually approached her and said I wanted to do a random body search. Flashes of expression crossed her face within seconds. Shock. Agreement. Panic. BOOM! ... fear.
My clever-for-a-week daughter had an iPod Touch with texting capabilities hidden in her armpit. A great hiding place when you want to hide something in the open and pockets are obvious.
One would think that I would be better at this by now. Knowing she didn't have pockets, yet sensing she was keeping something on her. Even my ransacking abilities are lacking, thanks to David finding nooks and crannies in just about anything.
She talked the neighbor boy into letting her borrow his iPod Touch over a week ago, which proves my radar accurate within a day or two.
It's all quite exhausting to me. David is energized by the game and I am left hot-flashing, sick to my stomach with a raging headache, and exhaustion.
I have an amazing partner in life. My radar, his intelligence, and videotaping witness Mariah makes for a good Team Brooke.
Finding the device is just the tip of the iceberg though.
The subtle pattern was there and my mom-radar was going off.
After a week of paying close attention, with no luck in finding a device I shared with David my concerns that I believed she had something in her possession.
Let's just say my mom-radar + his intelligence had a plan in place that included her first-ever body search in less than 24 hours.
Timing is everything because I had to catch the device on her because of countless hiding places being available and without forewarning to not alert her.
The plan was in place. David away from the house giving me the "Go!" Mariah in position as a witness with video rolling to keep all things from getting out of control.
I had hugged her casually and didn't feel a device. There was a moment of unexpected shock when I casually approached her and said I wanted to do a random body search. Flashes of expression crossed her face within seconds. Shock. Agreement. Panic. BOOM! ... fear.
My clever-for-a-week daughter had an iPod Touch with texting capabilities hidden in her armpit. A great hiding place when you want to hide something in the open and pockets are obvious.
One would think that I would be better at this by now. Knowing she didn't have pockets, yet sensing she was keeping something on her. Even my ransacking abilities are lacking, thanks to David finding nooks and crannies in just about anything.
She talked the neighbor boy into letting her borrow his iPod Touch over a week ago, which proves my radar accurate within a day or two.
It's all quite exhausting to me. David is energized by the game and I am left hot-flashing, sick to my stomach with a raging headache, and exhaustion.
I have an amazing partner in life. My radar, his intelligence, and videotaping witness Mariah makes for a good Team Brooke.
Finding the device is just the tip of the iceberg though.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
In Deep Waters
Yesterday morning I went to meet with Brooke's trauma therapist alone and the one-hour appointment took a little over two hours.
Being candid I spoke of all that is happening and put everything on the table.
What I learned is Brooke's trauma therapist is a woman of incredible faith and the kind of prayer warrior (in not a Christian-based counseling agency) who shared how she covers every thing in her life in prayer. She shared how she covers her cases, her decisions, and her moving forward actions in prayer. How when she leans over to pull them in for a hug, touches their shoulder, and makes a touching contact with them ... it is her quick excuse to put hands on them and say a quick prayer.
She shared how she has two special cases, one being Brooke she has been in a lot of prayer with to put in place the God's best case worker for her. When given the case loads, her perfect fit excitedly accepted Brooke's and the other case she had prayed about. And we happen to really like our new case worker.
Being able to be candid, brutally honest (because brutal was the honesty), open in my faith and my feelings as a mom who dearly loves my difficult child was God's intervention.
I'm thankful she didn't have an appointment directly after mine and cared enough to cover all that needed said in an open forum verifying we are on the same page. I'm blessed that my daughter's trauma therapist has been a God-send and a prayer warrior who is prayerfully-based and not self-healing.
We connected as moms of faith with a mission: Brooke. We increased again our steps of action, because her actions call for it. And I drove away with a sense of peace that while everything seems chaotic, I am not alone.
I came home and opened an email that was a direct hit ...
Friend, you and I were created to do business in deep waters. In other words, we’re not supposed to have little dreams or little plans. We’re supposed to get out there and have big dreams. We are supposed to go out into the deep things God has for us. But understand, when you’re out there in the deep waters, you can’t touch the ground. You can’t see the shoreline, and at times, it can get a little rocky. You may not always see how things are going to work out. But, Scripture tells us that deep calls to deep. In other words, God is the one who has called you to the deep waters. He is with you, and He knows there are deep things on the inside of you. When you are in those deep waters, you are not alone. God is with you, and He’s causing those deep things inside of you to come forth.
Being candid I spoke of all that is happening and put everything on the table.
What I learned is Brooke's trauma therapist is a woman of incredible faith and the kind of prayer warrior (in not a Christian-based counseling agency) who shared how she covers every thing in her life in prayer. She shared how she covers her cases, her decisions, and her moving forward actions in prayer. How when she leans over to pull them in for a hug, touches their shoulder, and makes a touching contact with them ... it is her quick excuse to put hands on them and say a quick prayer.
She shared how she has two special cases, one being Brooke she has been in a lot of prayer with to put in place the God's best case worker for her. When given the case loads, her perfect fit excitedly accepted Brooke's and the other case she had prayed about. And we happen to really like our new case worker.
Being able to be candid, brutally honest (because brutal was the honesty), open in my faith and my feelings as a mom who dearly loves my difficult child was God's intervention.
I'm thankful she didn't have an appointment directly after mine and cared enough to cover all that needed said in an open forum verifying we are on the same page. I'm blessed that my daughter's trauma therapist has been a God-send and a prayer warrior who is prayerfully-based and not self-healing.
We connected as moms of faith with a mission: Brooke. We increased again our steps of action, because her actions call for it. And I drove away with a sense of peace that while everything seems chaotic, I am not alone.
I came home and opened an email that was a direct hit ...
Friend, you and I were created to do business in deep waters. In other words, we’re not supposed to have little dreams or little plans. We’re supposed to get out there and have big dreams. We are supposed to go out into the deep things God has for us. But understand, when you’re out there in the deep waters, you can’t touch the ground. You can’t see the shoreline, and at times, it can get a little rocky. You may not always see how things are going to work out. But, Scripture tells us that deep calls to deep. In other words, God is the one who has called you to the deep waters. He is with you, and He knows there are deep things on the inside of you. When you are in those deep waters, you are not alone. God is with you, and He’s causing those deep things inside of you to come forth.
If you feel like you are out in the deep today, if you feel like you are overwhelmed, remember, you are in the right place and God is with you. You will see the Wonders of God in the deep! - Joel Osteen
Right now I can't see the shore and I am getting tired of swimming. As a person with a fear of the ocean and what is potentially lurking in the waters around me, I'm exhausted of this year long battle and this relentless storm that has effected every single area of my life.
Yet, I still know that God is in control. I still see His hand at work and I know this storm will pass. I'm looking for the shoreline of what I am hoping is an exotic, remote beach destination with an all-inclusive resort, amazing spa services, crystal clear waters, and a soft white sand. I am a big-rewards-are-deserved-for-big-storms kinda of girl.
When this season passes in my life, it will be another test of faith that God's glory will prevail, but for now the shoreline can't be seen.
Right now I can't see the shore and I am getting tired of swimming. As a person with a fear of the ocean and what is potentially lurking in the waters around me, I'm exhausted of this year long battle and this relentless storm that has effected every single area of my life.
Yet, I still know that God is in control. I still see His hand at work and I know this storm will pass. I'm looking for the shoreline of what I am hoping is an exotic, remote beach destination with an all-inclusive resort, amazing spa services, crystal clear waters, and a soft white sand. I am a big-rewards-are-deserved-for-big-storms kinda of girl.
When this season passes in my life, it will be another test of faith that God's glory will prevail, but for now the shoreline can't be seen.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
A Sixth Sense
Waking up this morning I thought of a woman who has endured a long battle with cancer. She came to my mind as a quick thought out of no where and I had a need to find out how she is.
Within minutes this morning, I learned she passed away last night.
Kris was a young mother with a husband who desperately loved her. Two little ones she fought the brutal battle of cancer for ... for them. She was a woman of God with incredible faith that was openly shared and felt throughout her community.
Surrounded by family, friends, and love, the moment she took her last breath she entered the presence of God whole and perfect. It is the hearts of those left behind that are hurting so badly.
I have blogged on premature death before. It is an earthly concept when emotions are raw.
Within minutes this morning, I learned she passed away last night.
Kris was a young mother with a husband who desperately loved her. Two little ones she fought the brutal battle of cancer for ... for them. She was a woman of God with incredible faith that was openly shared and felt throughout her community.
Surrounded by family, friends, and love, the moment she took her last breath she entered the presence of God whole and perfect. It is the hearts of those left behind that are hurting so badly.
I have blogged on premature death before. It is an earthly concept when emotions are raw.
And Psalms 139:16 says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
The Bible says the no one dies prematurely. They are ushered into God's presences at exactly the time God had chosen for them.
My heart hurts for her family and friends who love her and will desperately miss her. Her life, her faith, and her God will be shared with countless others in one of life's most raw moments.
What is this perception that after over a year of seeing her last she comes to the senses in my mind, almost as an awareness something has changed.
Maybe it is coincidence, but once she entered my mind I was on a mission growing by the minute to see how she was.
Perception. Intuition. A sixth sense.
The power of perception beyond the five senses
Saturday, January 4, 2014
"Strip Down, Baby!"
Ahhhhh ... spa-la-la! Yesterday, David and I went out of town for the day and enjoyed a couples 80-minute hot stone massage at a very nice spa.
In my plush robe, I entered the "couples" relaxation room where David was already sitting. Out of his element, he commented in such a way that he wasn't feeling too masculine in the environment. A glass of wine for him a Mimosa for me, I happen to thrive in a spa environment.
He is trying to keep his robe together to sit comfortably when I asked if he took it all off. There was a look of horror and pure mortification on his face when he said he had, because I said to. He asked if I had and I said no, because when I mentioned going in for a massage in the buff his conservative nature took over and I didn't want him uncomfortable.
I am bent over laughing. He is mortified, horrified, and said what looked like between gritted teeth, "You said ... strip down, baby!" Rocking and still laughing, I said, "I never said that!"
He explained when the spa technician showed him to the men's locker room, I said it while I was walking away. In fairness to him, it does sound like something that I would say, but what I meant was get in your comfy robe, see you in the relaxation room.
The relaxation room is the quiet room where one listens to soft music, sips a beverage of choice, and relaxes in anticipation of an upcoming spa treatment.
The relaxation room was shattered by his mortification and my uncontrolled laughter. Note to self, he trusted and listened well to what I said in an environment he was most uncomfortable in. Look at me respecting him though and dressing modestly to ease his uncertainty.
What we had was a lack of communication and 80-minutes of hot stone massage pampering.
In my plush robe, I entered the "couples" relaxation room where David was already sitting. Out of his element, he commented in such a way that he wasn't feeling too masculine in the environment. A glass of wine for him a Mimosa for me, I happen to thrive in a spa environment.
He is trying to keep his robe together to sit comfortably when I asked if he took it all off. There was a look of horror and pure mortification on his face when he said he had, because I said to. He asked if I had and I said no, because when I mentioned going in for a massage in the buff his conservative nature took over and I didn't want him uncomfortable.
I am bent over laughing. He is mortified, horrified, and said what looked like between gritted teeth, "You said ... strip down, baby!" Rocking and still laughing, I said, "I never said that!"
He explained when the spa technician showed him to the men's locker room, I said it while I was walking away. In fairness to him, it does sound like something that I would say, but what I meant was get in your comfy robe, see you in the relaxation room.
The relaxation room is the quiet room where one listens to soft music, sips a beverage of choice, and relaxes in anticipation of an upcoming spa treatment.
The relaxation room was shattered by his mortification and my uncontrolled laughter. Note to self, he trusted and listened well to what I said in an environment he was most uncomfortable in. Look at me respecting him though and dressing modestly to ease his uncertainty.
What we had was a lack of communication and 80-minutes of hot stone massage pampering.
Oh My Sweet Girl
Mariah was sharing a conversation with me she had with another person, telling them that when she graduates she would like to get her own place since she will be paying all her own bills anyway.
I started laughing out loud at her cluelessness and she was instantly aggravated.
She gets extremely aggravated, emotional, and teary-eyed when the topic of bills comes up. She is aware that when she graduates from high school in May (3 months shy of turning 19 years old) she will be responsible for her cell phone bill, her car insurance (on my car that she drives full-time at no expense to her), and $100 per month as her contribution to the household fund for food.
She is distraught and feels as if she mind as well have her own place.
Today I will be writing two lists for her: Her list of three expenses living at home versus the list of expenses if she chooses to rent her own place, all-inclusive of every utility on top of needing furniture to get started, setting up a kitchen and bathroom, personal needs, and her option of would she like to watch tv and have internet and and have any money left for or a beverage at Starbucks.
I'm certain life will feel as if it is over before it really begins.
Oh my sweet girl, I'm sensing this conversation is going to turn overwhelming and the tears will flow today.
I started laughing out loud at her cluelessness and she was instantly aggravated.
She gets extremely aggravated, emotional, and teary-eyed when the topic of bills comes up. She is aware that when she graduates from high school in May (3 months shy of turning 19 years old) she will be responsible for her cell phone bill, her car insurance (on my car that she drives full-time at no expense to her), and $100 per month as her contribution to the household fund for food.
She is distraught and feels as if she mind as well have her own place.
Today I will be writing two lists for her: Her list of three expenses living at home versus the list of expenses if she chooses to rent her own place, all-inclusive of every utility on top of needing furniture to get started, setting up a kitchen and bathroom, personal needs, and her option of would she like to watch tv and have internet and and have any money left for or a beverage at Starbucks.
I'm certain life will feel as if it is over before it really begins.
Oh my sweet girl, I'm sensing this conversation is going to turn overwhelming and the tears will flow today.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
So Last Year
As the day progressed New Years Eve I could feel the growing anticipation of 2013 coming to an end. Stress was fading and hope was filling its place.
I did Mariah's hair and make-up for a masquerade party ...
Sammy Blue looked like Baby New Year ...
Brooke surprisingly ended up spending the whole evening at the neighbor kids house watching movies and playing games, which made for a quiet 1st New Years Eve celebration for David and me.
Unplanned. Unexpected. Peaceful. Quiet. Together. The perfect combination of wonderful!
Dinner by candlelight, running to a friends NYE party for an hour, back home to watch an episode of Boardwalk Empire took us to 10 minutes until midnight.
As the countdown began I thanked God for every blessing in my life.
Ten, nine, eight, seven (look at this most handsome man next to me), six, five, four, (thank you, God, that I am entering 2014 beside him), three, two, one ...
Of all things starting a new year at the stroke of midnight perfectly is kissing my best friend whom I love.
Waking up New Years Day I looked at my iPhone that reflected Jan 1 ...
A new year, a fresh start, countless opportunities.
Even though trouble in 2013 was only days, weeks, and months behind me, it is so last year.
Happy New Year
I did Mariah's hair and make-up for a masquerade party ...
Sammy Blue looked like Baby New Year ...
Brooke surprisingly ended up spending the whole evening at the neighbor kids house watching movies and playing games, which made for a quiet 1st New Years Eve celebration for David and me.
Unplanned. Unexpected. Peaceful. Quiet. Together. The perfect combination of wonderful!
Dinner by candlelight, running to a friends NYE party for an hour, back home to watch an episode of Boardwalk Empire took us to 10 minutes until midnight.
As the countdown began I thanked God for every blessing in my life.
Ten, nine, eight, seven (look at this most handsome man next to me), six, five, four, (thank you, God, that I am entering 2014 beside him), three, two, one ...
Of all things starting a new year at the stroke of midnight perfectly is kissing my best friend whom I love.
Waking up New Years Day I looked at my iPhone that reflected Jan 1 ...
A new year, a fresh start, countless opportunities.
Even though trouble in 2013 was only days, weeks, and months behind me, it is so last year.
Happy New Year
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