High Up On the Mountains

‘While vacationing in the mountains, a man watched as a lumberman occasionally jabbed his sharp hook into a log, separating it from the others floating down the mountain stream. The man asked the lumberman why he was separating some of the logs.

The worker replied, “These logs may all look alike to you but a few of them are very different. The ones I let pass are from trees that grew in the valley. They were always protected from the storms. Their grain is coarse. The ones I have hooked and set apart from the rest came from high up on the mountains. From the time they were small, they were beaten by strong winds. That toughens the trees and gives them a fine and beautiful grain. They are too good to use for plain lumber so we save them for our best work.”

This seems to be today’s theme, a purpose behind each storm.

The internet guy came to install the new internet service in my home today. He loved my little CRZ and seemed to know a lot about it as well as the former CRX from the 80’s.  His mom used to breed Persians, we shared the common feelings of not wanting animals in our homes. Nice guy. Good conversation.

I’m not sure how it happened, but our conversation slid into Brooke losing her dad and Mariah’s dad being sick when he asked if we went to church. He wanted to know if I/we had a relationship with God.

We do.

My laptop was malfunctioning, which gave us time to chat. I’m not sure why it struck me as odd, but the internet guy said very kindly, but very matter-of-factly, "There is a purpose behind each storm."

Comfortable in his faith.

I appreciated his kindness, conversation and reminder.

Mommyisms

My Mariah is getting all A’s and B’s in her classes … except Advanced Algebra.

After 5^th grade I have been no help to her when it comes to her Math courses, but will gladly find her tutors and help! She is now a sophomore and my only advice I can share with her looking at the monstrosity of her work is, “I am 41 years old and have never had to know or use this kind of stuff, ever!”

Mariah used this mommyism as defense and stated it to her Algebra teacher. He did not appreciate my perspective, but I assure you it wasn’t intended as an insult to his profession. It was for my daughters ears only and said in understanding support of the work she has to learn.

Mommyisms are doctrinal theories created by me. I have others that I have taught my girls since they were little:

• DO NOT take the Lord's name in vain. You will fare better slipping with a bad word.
• Be as good to my grandchildren as I am to you.
• Who loves you more than anyone in this world and is your best friend? Mommy!  *Taught at a very early age of their just learning to speak. As toddlers their shouts of “MOMMY!” was my success.
• You can be anything you want in this life, just be happy.
• Get a good education so you can afford the lifestyle you are accustomed to.
• Live at home as long as you want. Travel. Shop. Embrace life. No boys until you are 30.
• No facial piercings ... ever!
• Pick your battles in life.
• There are no secrets from mommy.
• I will trust you until the day you lie to me, then life as you know it will change.
• Only two things are forever: God is God and I will always love you.

We have recently added a new one in support for Advanced Algebra, “Just pass the class!”

What If ...

This new season in my life is a refreshing break.

For quite some time now, I have been ready for change, ready for a new challenge, ready to the point of saying, "God, I'm ready for whatever comes next."

I meant those words and I somehow I know God is shaking his head thinking, "Okay, you got it!"

Let me back up a bit ... throughout my career, in the medical field for 16 years and in education for 7, I have thrown my hand in the air voluntarily taking on projects that I had no flipping clue or experience in how to pull it off. I don't even know what that behavior is called? Challenge? Confidence? Ambition? When the dust settled, I was left thinking why in the heck do I keep doing this to myself?!

What I have learned through all of those experiences is to jump in and just do the work. Fake it till you make it (confidence). To come out in the end rich in experience, successfully pulling off whatever project it was and it turning out better than I imagined.

I say to a holy God that I am ready for bigger and better, but please let me rejuvenate a bit first. He knows I have rejuvenated. I know I have rejuvenated.


This is where I am fastening the seatbelt tightly! I have this nudging on what I really believe I am supposed to do and when I sit still, He keeps coming at me.

If you think there are no signs from heaven, you are not paying attention!

I have to say, I am a little afraid. I am not equipped. I am not properly educated. I still do some things that God doesn't like. I choose my sins and carefully weigh unchosen consequences.

It's time. "A few more days, please. Ummmm ... and I am going to need some guidance and probably a little bit of help."   It's time.

I love the women of the Bible. Unqualified, imperfect women from all walks of life used for significant roles in history, by God. My total inadequacies makes me a strong candidate along side these significant women.


He put in my path the other day...

"God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called."

He is very persistent.

IF I was highly educated, would I work only in that field?

IF I was highly successful, would I not need God as much?

IF I fail, will I get a "thatta girl for trying" from God?

But, WHAT IF ...

　

　

　

　

　

It's Complicated

Today was ... would have been Keith's 50th birthday (written April 21, 2012). I was 27 years old when we met and he was 36. We were engaged two weeks later.

His death still doesn't seem real to me at times and days like today, his would-have-been 50th birthday, brings tears of frustration and memories. This would have been such a party weekend if he was alive and my heart still hurts for the unneccesary of it all.

Brooke and I made a cake today in memory of her daddy, just cake and iciing. No decorations, but made in remembrance. I share stories with Brookie of her dad and me so she remembers the good things and knows we were friends.

My thoughts go to the last conversation Keith and I had ... I left him a voicemail that I needed to talk to him, it was about a tough subject that I needed to address. When he called back and his name showed on my caller i.d. I almost didn't answer the phone. I had to go to God in prayer about what I needed to discuss with Keith, because I was afraid. Our conversation was friendly, patient, respectful and I thank God so much that our last conversation was our role as parents in regards to our daughter, Brooke.

Our last conversation.

I remember his voice breaking at one point saying how much he loved Brooke. I knew he did.

Brooke's daddy was so good-looking, funny, sweet, sexy and charming. You couldn't help but like him, even knowing how ornery he was.

I wasn't in love with Keith when he died, but I loved him very, very much at one time and we had a baby. I knew I would always carry a piece of him in my heart, but I said "no more" to the drama and dysfunction and built healthy boundaries for me and my girls.

I never saw his death coming.

Suicide shatters life into a million pieces for those left behind. Life continues and becomes happy again, then special days like today happens, and the memories fill my mind.

It was a quiet afternoon today, so I rented the movie "It's Complicated" because Alec Baldwin reminds me so much of Keith in this movie. Funny. Flirty. Ornery. Every opportunity he would get Keith would hug me too long, try to steel a kiss ... say he wanted to come home. Our own relationship was just like that for years after we parted. I guess it was like a free pass, because we had a baby. In the end, we were friends.

The movie is a happy reminder of our relationship through the years. I choose to remember the good about Keith.

Today I found tears springing to life randomly as my mind wandered with thoughts of him and his would-have-been 50th birthday.

Today my heart hurt.

I climbed in bed and opened up the three books I am reading. A chapter a night in each, because I chose not to just read one. The first book I opened, Power Prayers for Women, my Magical Highlighter met me there in the next chapter to be read, For Those in Grief.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

- Matthew 5:4

Some may say coincidence. I say my God met me where I was.

　

　

　

　



　

　

　

A Worldwide Audience

This week I was stunned when my statistics showed that this blog has an audience worldwide, WOW!!

Thank you! It is unreal to think that around the world for a brief moment our paths crossed.

This is me ...

the face behind this blog.

I am almost 42 years old and next month I will have been a divorced, single mom for 15 years. Both of those realities still don't seem real to me.

Life takes the craziest twists and turns. Gone are plans A and B for my life. I think I am in triple letters now, like plan AAA and BBB, but who's counting!

My daughter Brooke is 12 years old, lost her dad last year to suicide. My daughter Mariah is 16 years old, her dad was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease last November with one, we are hoping two years to live. Our lives have changed with two traumatic crisis, but it does not define us.

It is beyond comprehension for me to think that others from across the world have read my thoughts and pieces of my life in the last 1 1/2 years. YOU are the encouragement I need to take a leap in faith with one of my thoughts I have been entertaining lately. Actually, an idea has been on my mind for a while and here you are, a worldwide audience. A sign.

Being a single mom for 15 years, I have a passion for women that have assumed the roles of both mom & dad, built a home and live life in a two income world making ends meet.

I have an international interest in women. Through my grandmothers and women of the Bible I have learned that even though time has drastically changed, we face the same struggles that women throughout history faced. Internationally our cultures are different, but we are still mothers, daughters, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, aunts, nieces and grand-daughters.

We are real women, strong women.

You are a strong woman too, even if you need to find your inner strength.

You are extraordinairy, if you haven't already heard that today.

Real life women, from every walk of life across the world.

Thank you for reading my blog.

God Was Finished With It

While Mariah was at track practice this afternoon, I had a few minutes to slow down, sit in the warm sunshine and pick up where I left off in my book ...

I knew that when the Lord calls you to do something, whether you want to do it or not, you had better do it because if you don't, everything else in your life is going to dry up.

I also knew that the thing I had been doing and enjoying very much at one time I was no longer enjoying because God was finished with it. And when God gets finished, we may as well get finished, too. Yet, I stayed on in that position for anohter whole year. During that time I experience all kinds of things that I did not like. I was not happy at all and I didn't know why. Nothing seemed to be right any longer. - Joyce Meyer

The words jumped off the page at me! This was not an answer that I was looking for at all, but a confirmation of the very exact thing I had experienced recently. A season in my life that had come to an end and I knew it.

My good salary, tons of vacation time, flexible schedule, doing what I loved most and doing it how I wanted to do it ... became empty. 

God has been whispering to me in the last few days.

He continues to meet me where I am providing reassurance that while I felt finished where I was, He was finished with it, too.

My heart rests in unexplainable peace. 

A Free Day Off

Yesterday my Mariah asked if she could take today off school. A free day off for all her hard work pulling several grades up doing great in school, running track with meets 6 days per week as well as getting accepted into the teacher assistant program her Junior and Senior year ... all-inclusive with college credits.

Typically, I allow my girls to have one free day per year. These are specials days and she had our day together planned out!

After my kickboxing class, which allowed her time to lounge around and slowly get herself ready, we enjoyed a sushi lunch at Wasabi. Our waiter smiles at us, he knows we will order the exact same thing each time. Spicy Crab Salad and a Montrose Roll, no Tobiko (fish eggs ... blehhh!) and that Mariah needs a fork.

Lunch was scrumpdillyicious!

Next, Mariah has us running off to see the movie "This Means War" while claiming dibs on Chris Pine and that I get the British boy. I play nicely and accept the hottie British with the charming accent and great lips. She claims dibs about 3 times as if we were going into a club and these guys are really there. She is so funny and I love my girlfriend time with her! We laugh at the movie together and *gasp* accordingly as the guys enter the scenes. Chris Pine's is really goodlooking, but that British boy, Tom Hardy, is hands-down the sexiest!

She is at track now, she didn't want to miss practice even though she skipped school.

Our day will end up with at an event I purchased tickets for, including Brooke, then off to Mariah's final destination ... Menchies for a create-your-own ice cream.

My girl knows how to plan a fun day.

Free days off are a special treat. It's a day of celebration, relaxation and fun as a reward for being such a good girl.