Bye, Felicia!

When Brooke asked if she could go to Florida to see Grammy & Papa for spring break, I was stunned!

I believe it was last summer when she spent the night with a girlfriend being the last time she was away from home. Little Miss Homebody doesn't like to leave home, specifically, she doesn't like to leave me.

Separation anxiety.

My mom asked me yesterday, "Who is more excited, you or her?"

I explained I'm surprised how excited she truly is. Excited for sunshine & 80's, the beach, the pool, and being the focus of attention and entertainment.

    However ...

... my social calendar is booking up fast and I am going to indulge in some much needed vaca time. I believe I am equally as excited, if not, slightly more so.

Spring Cleaning

Spring has sprung and spring cleaning has begun.

Opened windows, purged closets, cleaning up and making room and space for this new season in my life. 

Time.

I have time to take walks and run and bike. I have sunshine and time to clean up my yard after months of a winter wear. 

Time to enjoy the crocus, daffodils and anxiously awake my beautiful tulips.

Spring is the welcome to the beginning of the best seasons of the year. 

Godspeed

Godspeed is an all-inclusive word that describes my life at a moment such as this.

There are two kinds of godspeed's. God's speed and godspeed (personal blessings, prosperous journey and success).

God speed is the surreal transition in my life, there is no one to thank but Him.

He remembered every detail and sprinkled it with details that I had forgotten.

God speed is this endeavor and new path divinely orchestrated my feet have been gently set upon. 

Godspeed is the swiftness of pieces that fell into place. Time restored.

God speed was my three weeks with him.

Godspeed his mission.

God speed his safety, protection, and bring him back home.

I am so proud of him.

Their New Home

My son-in-law, Jeremy, is working with a company that has the incredible perk of free housing should they ever be interested. Being 45 minutes away Mariah's mind was closed, especially with a baby on the way.

When they shared this opportunity, it allowed me to share with her what an awesome opportunity this is. The ability to save money while she is a stay-at-home mom, the possibility of renting their home to cover that asset and continue to build equity.

Do this for a few years and they have one heck of a nest egg. 

45 minutes away, instead of minutes away, grand baby on the way.

She needed permission. From me.

Jeremy had the financial aspect in perspective but my little girl closed her mind because I have always planted the seed I want them close.

Once I pointed out to her all the wonderful benefits of cost savings, to Jeremy not making that drive round-trip every day, her having him close by when the baby is present and for a season it makes perfect sense, her perspective flipped and did a 180.

I was sitting on my chaise when she called happy and excited, "We are moving!"

My heart dropped and tears poured down my cheeks and I had to get out the words, "That is wonderful!" and sound happy. 

I was asked, "Why are you crying?" Heart over logic, because I will always want them close. 

Grateful it isn't hours or states away, this move is such a wonderful opportunity for them and only a car ride for me. One I have no problem making and will look forward to.

Friday, I saw their new home and it is beautiful in a quaint community. Loading our vehicles, touring their new house I was thrilled to see the bells & whistles from room to room and excited for this incredible opportunity. We went to lunch then to a German cafe. I am excited to go back when the weather breaks and tour the town shops and cafes together. It's perfect. 

Every time I see my little girl her baby bump gets noticeably bigger and I am so in love with this! It is magnetic and I am always asking to see and touch her belly in breathless anticipation of my grand baby's arrival.

She is 20 weeks tomorrow. We are 1/2 way there!

New Normals

A major life change disrupts routines that overtime became normalcy. Routines that became a way of life that was comfortable, predictable and normal. One that I knew what to expect.

Good, bad or ugly, change can feel very uncertain. Balance is disrupted, predictability out the window and normal is no longer normal.

As I gain my equilibrium, I am finding balance in a new normal. Keeping pieces parts of my routine for normalcy sake showered with words of affirmations and affection from the moment I open my eyes until I fall asleep. In all things good, it felt uncertain.

Can I trust you?

A Modern Day Ruth post jumped off the page at me and my soul cried, "Yes!"

There's that one piece of me that says- "Can I trust you?" I feel like saying to the man of my future, "Will you really be there? Will you stay true to me? Will you hold me when I'm weak ? Will you stay with me through anything? Will you be patient enough to assure me as many times as it takes that you are not going to walk out that door? Will the love I offer be enough for you? Will you value my heart and be careful with it? Will you see me as I really am, or will you just see the scars of my disappointments and broken past? Will you understand the pain and journey I walked and appreciate the strength and beauty I have come into because of it? Please don't walk into my life unless you know you will handle me gently, and that you can be a safe place for me to trust. I want to love. I want to trust you. I want to build dreams with you, make memories, build a life, laugh, play, sing, discover more of the depths of God, go on adventures, touch lives, encourage souls, make a difference, or do the impossible -but can I trust you?" ~ Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth, Copyright 2013

My new normal ...

... I feel cherished as if I am a prize and held dear.

... I feel respected as my personal boundaries are what matter most.

... I feel highly valued and handled with gentleness, patience, kindness, adoration, and endless amounts of communication.

I cautiously questioned these qualities as if they aren't real. Seeing these qualities displayed to others consistently I see it is simply his nature.

... I feel admired as he reminds me of who I am and sees me at my best. Qualities he lavishly lists, believes in and reminds me of saying, "What more is there out there? Nothing." To him. He believes there isn't anything better and I feel those words deep into my heart as if he is speaking life back into me.

He wants to know my every thought, raw and candid. It's a safe place and a foundation of transparency that is establishing trust.

As he has openly turned his face to heaven thanking God for me, he has genuinely said he is sorry for anything I have gone through that has hurt me, but he is glad because he gets to be the one to show me true love.

Paths crossed. Serendipity. My new normal.

A Season Finale Dessert

Season finales are always bittersweet; nonetheless, it makes for a fun evening glued to the television.

Last night we watched the season finale of The Bachelor. Mariah and I have loved this show since it began who knows how many years ago and Jeremy stopped by part way through the evening to partake in this festivity.

We voice our opinions, lay claims to non-verbals, facial expressions, and words exchanged. He said he can see why we like it, ohhhhh the drama.

We hated the outcome.

We did enjoy a tasty dessert though!

A new favorite, Aldi's Specialty Chocolate ice cream w/salted almonds and homemade peanut butter no bake cookies.

We happily anticipate Bachelor in Paradise airing this summer.

Phone Calls with Family

This new man that walked into my life and heart has my cup overflowing. Feeling slightly off balance at the speed of what deems to me proper timelines, every day pushes me to a deeper level.

I confess I didn't believe him at all when he said it has been years since he has dated.

Confident, sexy, a fount of words of affirmations and lavishly affectionate it couldn't possibly be true. Could it? Years?

Years.

As I learn him, I can see how his career would make it near impossible. After a 15 year relationship and a blindsiding breakup, I can see how he lost himself in his job by choice. One that he excels at.

It was his family that confirmed what I find so hard to believe.

I called his mom yesterday for the first time. How odd for me to say that. I met her over a week ago after she had been blowing up his phone to meet me. Word raced like wildfire through his family he met a beautiful girl.

It was the sweetest thing when she told him later that she saw fireworks when she met me. You see, she is blind. She cannot see me at all, but she sees me with her heart. She is kind and wants to know me.

Hearing her ask him a couple of times for me to call her, I asked him for her number.

On my way to work I called her and we shared a sweet conversation. Getting off the phone she said, "I love you" and I said it back to her. Odd to feel so comfortable, happy to be so welcomed.

On our way to the Ice Wine Festival yesterday, his brother asked to talk to me and he handed me the phone.

His brother, what a fun guy! I liked him before we met and there I was on the phone with him and he thanked me, thanked me for making his brother so happy. He choked up expressing his appreciation and shared he sees his brother happy, hears it and that it has been a long time.

Already invited to Easter, I love this family that loves each other and openly welcomes me.

I've seen a change in Brooke, too. They've had their own side conversations and very adult-like she has communicated in love what she wants for me as her mom. Territorial Brooke has found a new friend in him. They click.

I just exist every day. Taking it all in and watching my life transition in front of me in a surreal kind of way.

When I feel as if the timeline has advanced in light speed but that it will certainly plateau out, it continues to get better and better.

My heart is grateful. My life has changed. And, I love when he tilts his face to heaven and openly says, "Thank you" to God.

Who's life is this?

Remember Me, Lord

My life has transitioned in a surreal kind of way.

During a cruel break-up of a 4-year relationship that I absolutely believed was my forever, it was just God and I and I cried out to Him all day and night.

  Heal my heart, Lord.

      Give me peace when everything is farthest away from it.

      

             Remember me, Lord. 

                   Remember I serve You faithfully everyday. 

                           Remember the desires of my heart. You gave them to me.

                                  Remember ...

                                         Restore to me the years the locusts have eaten.

He did.

Supernatural blessings and supernatural peace. 

The desires of my heart are lavishly poured on me every day, all day. 

How did my life transition from one extreme to the next so fast and so complete in every area that is so important to me? 

I serve a God who knows all, sees all, and can do anything He wants. Especially when I surrender from my hands and place it before Him.

Gluteous

First came Finneaus, then came Maximus.

In all things ridiculous, Maximus has a new nickname ...

Gluteous. 

Not being a cat lover, Finneaus and Maximus have a way with following one around and being up in everyone's business. They've won over the heart of this new non-cat lover that has walked into our life and hearts.

It is near impossible to not like Max. Cute as a button, lives to play and purr, happy go lucky, in all things, now best buds, somehow, someway, the name absolutely fits. 

Gluteous Maximus. 

A Hometown Visit

When I met his cousin last week, she is a professional singer, daughter of a famous musician, word spread like wildfire through his family that he met someone and I was absolutely beautiful!

His family blew up his phone for a week in the sweetest way and I had the opportunity to talk to a few on the phone before we met.

I found it almost impossible to believe it has been a couple of years since he has dated. Everything he naturally is, it didn't make sense. His family confirmed all this.

We took a road trip in the sunshine and went to his hometown to meet his family yesterday and I walked into a warm welcome.

I really, really like his family. They are close and hugging and warm-welcoming and loud and in each others business, and I instantly felt comfortable in my sometimes quiet way taking everything in.

His mom loves her boys and they are loving and good to her. She is kind and asked questions wanting to know me in a way a mom would who wants to know who has captured her sons heart. She anxiously anticipated our arrival and I instantly learned what was important to her and I learned more about him.

He was raised in a strong Christian family by a father who was a pastor and the whole family built on the foundation of their church.

I am learning about his dad who was his best friend and died many years ago. A man who held his son with a wild spirit accountable that became such a good man. Family is his foundation and I was honored that not only was it important to him that I meet them, but that they all blew his phone up so they could meet me.

Only those closest to me understand the significance of this to my heart.

Serendipity

BIG unexpected step yesterday! I introduced Brooke to this amazing new man who has walked into my life so unexpectedly that everything became a game-changer.

I woke up and told Brooke that I may be introducing her to him far more quickly than I had any intention to, because I really, really, really like him a lot and I can see significance with him.

She is hope-filled for me and has been asking a lot of questions about him. Happy to see me happy, she feels I deserve so much more than what my life has been.

Spur of the moment decision, introductions happened.

"Mom! I really like him!" she whispered to me at the first given opportunity. "I heard him tell you you are beautiful," which meant everything to Brooke.

She resented that I didn't hear those words she felt I should have lavishly heard for years that she over-compensated for. She hated that once in a while I was told sparingly that, "I looked nice." Brooke thinks I am beautiful, she is so proud of me and loves me deeply.

Brooke was a champ! Typically, she participates in small doses of family and friends polite conversation then retreats quietly. She engaged and laughed and actively participated in conversations with him and us for hours. She shared her art, her love of music, and who she is as her very own unique person. I knew she would like him.

I knew he would make her quickly comfortable because that is who he is.

I feel like there is supposed to be an invisible appropriate time frame to allow for healing from a 4-year breakup. It was my plan was to detox for months with no dating. That seems the emotionally responsible thing to do for my heart. In fact, that is exactly what I have done throughout this last year of our relationship that became a pattern of brokenness.

Perhaps, I painfully detoxed along the way and it made me ready for such a time as this.

I see his value and I see his worth.

Greatness

Greatness is a euphoric moment when something in us comes alive. A trigger that opens a portal like a song that puts a knowing smile on our face and a beat in our heart.

My First Baby Purchase

Set up in my home waiting for the arrival of my grand baby, I made my first purchase a Pack n Play.

Browsing baby stores, I was in awe to see all the new and improved baby items that are out since 17 years ago. So many bells and whistles.

Mariah and I went to brunch and looking at baby stores. As soon as we walked in I saw this Graco Pack n Play. It was the gender neutral colors that match my prayer room/office that will transition into the baby's space, bright and happy with two windows for sunshine. This Pack n Play was color perfect and less than 1/2 the original price had me doing a happy dance.

Literally. The guy behind the counter said, "I believe we just sold that Pack n Play."

It is set up in my office and it suddenly reminds me of 22 years ago when Mariah's baby room was finished when I was 7 months pregnant awaiting her arrival.

Her belly getting bigger with every week that passes, I believe I felt my grand baby yesterday. Nestled safely, active and moving in Mariah's womb, I put my hands on her belly, my eyes closed to enhance my sense of touch, I felt it's slight flutter.

Soon that bundle of love will be sleeping sweetly in a room covered in prayer.

Noah's Details

I am not the Holy Spirit. I cannot predict the future (although I like to have a vision/goal to work towards). Life blindsides me and I cannot see through the storm. "God, speak to me. Which way do I go? Please ... please ... please ..." I listen and wait to hear Him. Never knowing when or what He will say.

I read another blog, because I like her raw and candid honesty. It was her words that jumped off the page at me.

I question myself, what do you do when your hearts desires fall like a soft rain? What do you do when it is no longer a goal that is impossible to reach, then suddenly it is there? What do I do when the little things I've needed for so long for becomes a fresh and new normalcy?

It feels very unsafe. Uncertain territory.

What do I do when it gets bigger than me?

Noah’s Details: Just Start.

Posted on February 28, 2017 bt Tricia Lott Williford 

Did you know that God brought all of the animals to Noah? Because maybe I missed that day of Sunday school, or maybe it just never occurred to me to connect those dots, but I guess I missed that detail along the way. I think I always thought that Noah sent his sons all over the earth for a great animal kingdom round-up. But I just found this realization, and I love everything about it.
Recent studies estimate that the total kinds of living and extinct land animals and flying creatures were about 1,500. And the ‘worst-case scenario’ calculates that Noah may have cared for as many as 7,000 animals. If I were Noah, that would have stopped me in my tracks. On a number of levels.
I know myself fairly well, and I know that upon God’s instructions, I would have been like, “Right, so I’ve got this blue print for a boat, and that’s going to take me a few years for starters, but then what? All these animals? How in the world will I manage that? I can’t imagine tracking down all those animals, so I better not even start a project I can’t finish.”
But Noah got right to work when God told him to build the ark, and he did everything exactly as God asked him to do it. Meanwhile, all of creation followed God’s instruction as well, and two of each kind found their way to Noah’s ark. All the little husband-and-wife bunnies, snakes, lions, tigers, and bears.
So often, I do just the opposite of Noah. I worry about details down the road, when a) I have no control over them, and b) that’s not what’s in front of me to do right now. There are things right in front of me to do, and I can start there. Noah had measurements and wood, and he got started. He didn’t get himself all spun up over what would happen later, he just got to work now.
Is there something in front of you that’s waiting to begin? Are you putting it off because you can’t figure out how you’ll finish it when it gets bigger than you?
Just start.
If God has asked you to do something, get started. Don’t neglect your calling because you don’t have a plan for when this gets bigger than you.
There are things you can begin doing now. Learning, reading, studying. Working on your attitude and your relationships. Taking responsibility for your responsibilities. Don’t worry yet about how you’ll sell the book or find the market or launch the platform or sell the tickets or promote the business or finish well. When it’s time, God will bring you what you need so you can do what he’s asked you to do.
He brought together the entire animal kingdom for a year-long cruise. Surely what you need is less than that.
Be like Noah. Concentrate on what God has given you to do. Leave the rest to God.

Instruction Manual

I just liked this little instructional manual.

The Treasures of Our Heart

I believe God instills in us every detail we are down to the treasures of our hearts. The longings that are in us from the very beginning that determine our wants, hopes and dreams.

The right circumstances bring life to these treasures like sunshine and a soft rain. Other circumstances squelch these treasures into a hidden place that sometimes becomes forgotten and sometimes becomes a battle ground to hold onto.

blessed

1.

consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified

2.

worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship

3.

divinely or supremely favored; fortunate

4.

blissfully happy or contented

5.

bringing happiness and thankfulness

Blessed is she who has believed the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.

If I battle for anything, may it be for the longings and treasures of my heart. The little things that are everything that are part of my makings and were planted as treasures in me from the beginning.

May I never let go of my own hearts desires or compromise on what is important to me.

To squelch what is most important to me is a certain death.

I believe my Maker will fulfill His promises he created in me.