Smoke and Mirrors

Smoke and mirrors is an expression when someone distorts and blurs the facts with artful deception to fool another. They resort to tricky inventiveness to make something look attractive and appealing to deceive you from the truth.

Much like a magician, they believe their cleverness creates an illusion to have what they want to you to believe exists, when in fact it doesn't at all.

What angers me more about the ignorance of smoke and mirrors is that it puts me in a position of playing along as if I am a moron they think they are fooling or calling them out on their charade, exposing them as a liar, and their illusion as a fraud.

In the end, I will simply remove myself from the situation. Confrontation or cleaver exposure never ends on a good note.

For me it is a matter of time and making myself absent.





 

True CHRISTmas

I woke up at 5:00 a.m., opened my eyes, and remembered something was different ...

Yesterday I woke up to Thanksgiving. Today I woke up to Christmas in my home.

The soft glow of the Christmas tree lights, the fireplace promising cozy movie nights by a warm fire. Endless holiday music. The wonderful 25 Days Till Christmas on television every night for those of us who have only one favorite reality show airing right now. Christmas tree festivals and lights. Sugar cookies and fudge. Dressing  up in your Christmas-best celebrating Christ's birth at church. The anticipation and growing excitement in every childs heart.

Christmastime is magical.

Careful planning and preparing to not participate in holiday madness. Taking a stand against all things commercialized and keeping the glory on true CHRISTmas.

Black Friday, you are as gross as American's at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Know What to Embrace

I saw this picture under one of the Believe In the Magic of Christmas posts on Facebook, which has been a wonderful addition to things I enjoy this holiday season.

I read this and re-read it. As a person who believes everything happens for a purpose and what is meant to be will be, I ponder the thought that while I do believe in those things we have free-will and choices to make that ultimately direct our path.

Thinking back, there are a couple times where I wish I would have embraced a relationship or a moment I really wanted to have, but I thought I had time. I didn't.

Sometimes our windows of time are very small and in an ever-changing world life doesn't afford a HOLD button while we take time to make a decision.

For example ... your dream job presents itself. If you don't respond within the timeframe the position is open, it will be filled by another who won't let the opportunity pass them by.

Endless windows of opportunities present themselves throughout our lifetime with limited timeframes where we are given a choice. Regretfully, are those choices I knew I wanted, thought I had "time" to only have another day happen, the winds shift, and the opportunity slip away forever.

There is a fine line between faith that says what is meant to be will be versus free-will and choice.

Know what to embrace and act on it as if the winds may shift and your window of opportunity closes.

Two Special Aunts

When Brooke's dad died, several relationships shifted in the universe at his funeral.

Roann and I became good friends who started going out together, Debbie took on a role in Brooke's life as a step-mom and stayed on as an important person in her life (even through she was not married to Keith), and Brooke and I met Aunt Kim for the first time.

For the last three years, Aunt Kim from Tuscon, AZ has called, Facebook messaged, written letters, sent cards, and countless gifts to Brooke for every holiday. She has made it her mission to fill in the gap and God love her, she hasn't given up on her mission even when Brooke wasn't able to be appropriately responsive.

December 19th will be the 3rd anniversary of her daddy's suicide.

It has been three years since she has been back to her dad and Debbie's condo.

Two special aunts, Aunt Kim and Aunt Debbie (not to be confused with step-mom Debbie), came to town last weekend to see Brooke and celebrated her belated 14th birthday.

Aunt Debbie, from Indiana, who we didn't know very well due to her relationship with her dad, would like a relationship with Brooke, too.

They came to town last weekend with gifts, laughter, love, and endless conversation.

The first stop was our house so Brooke could feel comfortable in her surroundings seeing them for the first time in three years. With (step-mom) Debbie present, the three of them whisked in our home in true fashion of mighty women on a mission of love and protection.

Have you ever been dizzy from so many conversations happening at once?  It was perfect.

Brooke was covered in love.

After lunch and dessert in our home, Brooke was ready and wanted to go to the condo for the first time. It became the perfect time for her grand entrance back into her dad's former life surrounded by Debbie, Aunt Debbie, Aunt Kim, and me. 

It was the perfect dose of excitement and chaos from her aunts visit that became the buffer as she walked through the condo back to her dad's bedroom. 

Everything looked different.

Her dad's bedroom is now taken by Debbie's roommate. Buddy's presence, the new paint job, and an XBOX changed the look and feel of his former bedroom into a much more open and engaging room, much different from her dads.

Brooke begged to stay the night and I was on standby for damage control to pick up the emotional pieces from that first visit throughout this last week.

There was no shrapnel.

Two aunts whisked into town in all their love and glory and became exactly what Brooke needed.

A/Our Senior Picture

I graduated from college last summer, my Mariah graduates from high school this coming May.

In the middle of her senior pictures photo shoot, we took a/our senior picture together.

Ebb and Flow

To move forward then backward. To be in the position of decline to renewed advancement.

Life is ebb and flow.

I get this at 43 after decades of my life being in different positions. At 18 the forward movement and renewed advancement is invigorating; however, the movement backward and decline is frightening and panic will set in.

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs, a soft whisper, then my 18 year old crawling in bed with me at 5 a.m. this morning in tears.

She cries. I gently explain.

Pulling her close, she is a little girl again wanting to snuggle against me. So many teachable moments this life offers us, but how do you pour decades of experience into a fresh and young heart? You simply can't.

Thus begins the experience of ebb and flow in her life.

What I have learned in this position is that every season changes. Time helps, love heals. And when the days seem their darkest and pain is in its most raw moment, I remember that better days are ahead where I will again laugh until I cry, my heart will feel happy and carefree, and I will continue to experience moments that take my breath away.

How Much Do I Love Thee?

Mariah called last night from her dad's that she was having a hard time and she was on her way home to talk, which is usually her walking in the door and the tears flow.

Stress is consuming her. Her dad's health is doing so poorly that she is stressed just being at his house. Senioritis says she was ready to graduate last year and is beyond sick of school. Then, her heart longs for another and she is learning about life and relationships.

[Slide David in the picture.]

Our healthy male perspective and sound counsel. He patiently talks with her and explains relationships from a man's point of view, as a friend and positive male role model in her life.

She cries. She asks him the same uncertain questions over and over again. All the while, he is seeing the inside of a teenage girls mind and heart.

The conversation takes a while, the storm is calmed for the moment, and Mariah heads back to her dad's house.

I snuggle up to David on the couch and put my head on his shoulder as we nestle down to watch a new and quickly favorite reality show.  He leans over and kisses me and says, "I couldn't wait to see you all day."  *happy sigh*

How much do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Baby's 1st Year Calendar

Last night I tucked Brooke in bed, she was still excited from our family birthday party earlier in the evening and she asked, "Mom, what time was I born at?"

Crap! Was it 11:26 a.m., 12:56 p.m., 11:56 a.m.?  Thus my search for documentation began that stated her birth time.

Downstairs in a large box filled with photo albums I found a treasure, her Baby's First Year Calendar.

This is a calendar full of all of her every first moments. The typical 1st laugh, 1st tooth, 1st rolled over, 1st day at the babysitters when Mommy had to go back to work, and the very treasured 1st time she said, "Ma-ma" which was dated and captured four days before the 1st time she said, "Da-da." Success!

Her baby calendar records all her trips to the doctors for check-ups with her current weight and height. Her first trip to Children's Hospital for constant crying. The doctors said that Tylenol Cold makes babies crazy.  Hmmmm

I captured many other 1st details, too. Her 1st injury when Mariah put her knee in her face at only 5 weeks old while she was laying on the couch. I can picture it all in my mind's eye ... an excited and rambunctious Mariah only 4-1/2 years old jumping up on the couch to hold or touch the very tiny bundle, Brooke.  BAMMMM!  Knee in the face.

Her 1st moments with her daddy. The 1st time he changed a poopy diaper. The 1st time he gave her a bath. Her 1st night into her crib her daddy and I put together. The 1st time she went into the shower was with her daddy. We were in a hotel in Indiana so you could meet your sister, Brittany, your grandparents, and your brother and daddy took you in the shower with him.

A clipping of hair from her 1st haircut at 6 months old.

September 11, 2000 (10 months old), you like to let out ear piercing screams.

September 22, 2000 (1st day of autumn), Mariah asks Jesus into her heart.

October 13, 2000 (Friday the 13th and a full moon), Mariah thought she saw you swallow a game piece and shoved her hand down your throat to get it as a 1st reaction, then came running to me shouting to call 911. A trip to ER and an xray could not locate the game piece, now Mommy has to sift through your poopy to see if it ever comes out.  Never did.  Isn't that just like Mariah. :)

You were 5 days shy of being 1 year old when the 1st person ever said you look like Mommy. 

Last night I find this treasure and go into Brooke's room to see if she is still awake by saying her name softly.  Barely still awake, I whisper, "You were born at 12:56 p.m., sweetheart" and place her calendar on her dresser for her to see in the morning.

This morning I went into her room to wake her up. She was sitting in bed smiling looking at her calendar. She said, "I know you were crying last night, I can see your tears on the calendar."

I wasn't and I hadn't been.  There on the outside cover of her calendar were fresh, wet water droplets. I'm not sure how those got there.

Happy 14th birthday, Brookie. I love you, sweetheart.

My Perfect

I was sharing, most likely something David and I did together with a friend when she asked me, "What don't you like about him?"

Hmmmm.

I thought. I pondered. And I could only come up with ...

"There is nothing I don't like about him. I know he is not perfect, but he is my perfect."

When I was young, I remember being in the senior high department in church when we were asked to write down the top 10 list of wants we wanted in a guy. I don't remember what I put down, but I'm sure it was a list of wants that was hard for any man to fill.

Then my dating years began ... I like this quality of this guy and that quality of another. Add years then decades of this. Eventually it becomes a blur and I am going on 17 years being divorced.

What were all those details that once upon a time I wanted in a man?

Every little detail was heard and wasn't forgotten by my God.

Details I had forgotten about that I recognize in David that I remember I forgot I wanted. God never forgot.

The neatest part is, it was in the senior high department at church that I met him. He was right there, but it took two decades for our paths to cross again.

Twenty years ago, I had such a crush on him. Twenty years later, I have exactly what I've always wanted and being twenty years older, I know the value and true worth of my perfect.

.

Picture Perfectness

I slept in until 6:50 a.m. this morning and thanks to time-change, it is now 5:50 a.m. which means I will be sleeping in all winter.  Being one that loves being up before the sun rises, this thrills me!

The weather forecast calls for sunshine and near 50 degrees. A picture perfect day for a walk on the trails (hot beverage in hand) in peak autumn where every tree is bursting in color.

I've planned carefully to have today open for the Sabbath, a day of relaxation.

My schedule has adjusted dramatically being a working full-time mom again, with all the responsibilities that come with running a household and raising teens. I've slipped back into my favorite routine of maintaining all my housework and shopping in the evenings and Saturday to have today completely free as a day of rest and leisure.

Actually, I used to be better and have this all done Monday through Friday so my entire weekend was free; however, I am only into this a few weeks now.

My home is sparkling clean. Laundry done. Bills paid. Errands ran, plus a full tank of gas. The frig is full with a fun and new dinner planned for this evening.

I have an entire day ahead of me to enjoy. Starting my morning off in church, lunch at my mom and dads with my girls, then embracing this picture perfect autumn day with the one I love strolling in picture perfectness (Wow, perfectness is actually a real word!).

God knew best and made His revelation known in the famous Top 10. Work six days then rest and rejuvenate on the seventh.

True Halloween

The wind continued to flip my umbrella inside out, the rain soaked all the kids in their costumes, but it was a great night, October 31st, Halloween.

Hundreds, perhaps it safe to say thousands of kids and parents swarmed the streets, sidewalks, and yards running door to door shouting "TRICK-OR-TREAT!" in a perfect neighborhood where every house participates with no end in sight.

Mariah who is 18 years old now asked the other day if it is appropriate if she trick-or-treats this year? I said it's fine, because you are still in school. Next year would be a bit different. She had so much fun last night that given her small frame, she is confident she will be good for participating next year, too.

Grandma stayed behind passing out candy while my brother, sister-in-law, and I walked with the kids. There was seven of them, family and church friends.

What I didn't expect in the cuteness of it all is my little nephew Nathan (12 years) who passively agreed to dress as a pair of dice with Meghan, the little girl from church, who has called dibs, staked her claim with my nephew and has been aggressively and hopelessly in love with him for years. I can see their future in my minds eye. Tiny, cute, little Meghan is a firecracker, full of personality and a force to be reckoned with. She has been a take-charge girl for a few years now and will not allow any girl to step near her territory, my nephew.

My nephew is as sweet and shy as they come. He passively allows her to be her. He may be too young to date, but that boy has a girlfriend regardless what my brother allows.

Trick-or-treating was pure success! I am thankful my brothers neighborhood recognizes this night on the true night of Halloween.