"I'm Going To Harvard!"

Okay, maybe not.

“I’m going to Harvard! I’m going to Harvard!”  My very pleased with her self Mariah was chanting as she proudly displayed her report card last night.

I won’t post her GPA, but let’s just say, it is better than last year, but not close to scholarship worthy.  It was, however, better than Brooke’s GPA which was a 1^st for Mariah.

Brooke is naturally very bright. She doesn’t study, and does bare necessity to get natural A’s and B’s. This year has been a bit tough though. Brooke, very much like me, holds very high standards for herself. I have softened & buffered the moments this year when she doesn’t do well on a paper. Nobody is harder on Brooke than Brooke, so my job is to put it into perspective so stress doesn’t consume her.

I understand Brooke. Recently I dropped a course after a couple weeks into it because a professor gave me a 90% on a paper.  Infuriated, I proposed a strong argument to the university who allowed me to transfer my course to a new instructor at no cost. I ‘get’ Brooke. I ‘get’ less than an A is not acceptable, but those are standards I only hold for myself.

Mariah on the other hand has strengths in many other areas.

Academically, not so much; however, Mariah is breezing through Child Development while the rest of her class is struggling. Mariah has an amazing heart and her area’s of strength have been carefully watched and admired by this mom. J  I also take my own moment of pride & credit in the fact that she was raised well and learned first-hand.

Brooke has only one class she is not doing well in, the others are natural A’s & B’s. I hush Mariah’s ‘happy dance’ moment due to Brooke raging at her own shortcoming this grading period.

Mariah deserves her moment of glory and I will take her for sushi to celebrate this life’s celebration-worthy moment.

What has been a neat observance from my viewpoint is Eric’s new-found attitude with Mariah’s grades. Once upon a time he went nuts with her grades, threats made every grading period. Now, grades have lost their powers when it comes to the overall grand picture in life.  Grades are important, yes. In the face of death, they don’t matter.  Grades are put into perspective thanks to Lou Gehrig’s.

As parents, we know our children’s strengths and weaknesses. It is our job to encourage them to be their very best in life, but I would rather my Mariah excel in child development naturally and be an amazing mom to my grandchildren, then high pressure her to excel in every class when her happiness lies in her natural athletic abilities, natural tendencies with child development and her loving and happy heart.

Will her GPA make it to Harvard?  No.

Will she give my grandchildren a Harvard quality upbringing?  Absolutely!  

Congratulations Mariah for getting your GPA up and a high-five for beating easy-A Brooke this grading period!

A Moment of Fun

I am in a season in life where I work non-stop and hard yet sometimes it feels it doesn’t pay off.

My hectic job that I enjoy, I am finding no more enjoyment in. Maintaining 100% in my Life Science course, but just going through the motions. There is always a chore to be done to run a household, which normally gives me satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment, that I now look at as endless. My girls always need something, because kids do.

I am empty.

Sometimes it takes very little to give a heart a lift.

I have had plans for weeks to go out with friends last night. A winter snow storm threatened everyone to stay in … not a chance! I needed a night out, a moment of fun.

There are three things that I accomplished in my moment of fun:

I have a very thankful heart for fun & fantastic girlfriends!

Last night I had the most fun letting go and looking completely ridiculous dancing with my new friend, Luka. There are therapeutic powers to letting go and embracing a moment of fun! He will never know how much I appreciate his carefree and fun personality. It was permission to dance, twirl, laugh and be completely carefree for hours.

Then, my heart that felt empty started to fill up again ... I have crush. A crush on a boy named Miro who is the most refreshing breath of fresh air I have found in years. Bosnian made, American approved! I smile when I hear from him, but what are these fireworks that go off inside me every time he is in my presence?  He is so incredibly sexy, that accent …magical! Smart, confident, sweet, thoughtful, responsible, kind, funny, witty, masculine … I can go on. I deeply adore him!

Life is tough sometimes and sometimes the heart needs a lift. I am thankful for even just a moment of fun.

Mission Accomplished!

One year later, with one tragedy behind us and another approaching, Brooke had her 1^st counseling session.

This private session took an interesting twist in conversation at one point with a unique answer to what was supposed to be a common question.

Brooke was presented the question, “Do you fear losing your mom?”

A very matter of fact Brooke doesn’t skip a beat and very honestly says, “No.” She was given comforting words from her counselor, “It is a very common fear in children, as well as adults, that when one parent dies most fear losing the other.”

“My mom is very healthy, she doesn’t drink or smoke,” Brooke provides a very candid supporting answer.

Thatta girl, mission accomplished!

I have planted seeds in both my girls since they were little with many thoughts:

I love them more than anything in this whole world.

There are no secrets from mom.

            I can handle any situation.

            There is no place they can go that I will not come after them.

I will trust them until they invite me to play in their sand box.

I will run to the battle line on their behalf.

To never start a fight but that they may finish it.

The list goes on.

It is the very comfort I have from my own dad to know he loves me more than anything, while also instilling the most fear in me. My dad is a rock in my life. He is unconditional love and security.

In the face of her daddy’s death, Brooke doesn’t have the least bit of fear in losing me. I am a mighty force in her mind. The exact comfort of love and security I want them to embrace.

Mission accomplished.

A Sick Sense of Humor

Eric and I have enjoyed immensely sharing a sick sense of humor, often at each others expense.

Recently, Michael has been telling Mariah that he wants to ask her dad for her hand in marriage before he loses his ability to speak.  Not to get married right away, but for after college when they are both old enough. A *huge hug* for Michael’s sweet heart. I do adore that boy!

Michael is also afraid of Eric not appreciating his request.  I tell Mariah to wait until her dad can no longer talk and have Michael ask him then! To tell Eric to blink once for “yes” and not to blink at all for “no” … then blow in his eyes! J

It sounds mean, but there is only one person who will appreciate that, it’s Eric. He laughed when Mariah told him. Mariah doesn’t fully appreciate the sick sense of humor we share.

I’m not the only one.

Mariah was two years old when we divorced. When I would call over to his house to talk to Mariah, he would shout in the background for Mariah to stop playing with the knives and come talk to me. He thought he was funny.

Then came the holidays, Eric would ask every year what I was going to get him. His gift ideas varied year-to-year with a common theme:  One year it was a one-way ticket to Afghanistan, then, there was the one-way flight on a suicide bomber. He always had some sort of get-rid-of-Dawn gift ideas up his sleeve, too.

Ahhhh, the years of attending sport banquets or being at places together for Mariah were we would dine together. I would smile and tell him to enjoy his dinner, that he may start to feel drowsy, but to just go with it, go to the light. I especially had fun at his expense when handing him a beverage, “You may get very sleepy.”

It is like unlike anything that I can describe to have been married, divorced and share a lifetime raising a child learning to team parent out of love for Mariah, then to be blindsided that a disease will take his life far too soon. 

Eric wants things to remain as normal as possible. So I will continue to be me with him and he will continue with his sense of humor with me.

We had a conversation recently on our cell phones. Seconds went by and I couldn’t hear him, so I asked if he was there?  He replied, “I was in a dead zone.” Others don’t find it funny, but I thought that was a great comeback!

In the end, we have learned to raise a child together and team parent like champs.

We have learned to let bygones be bygones and cry together through needed conversations.

We have learned to keep our humor for the sake of remaining normal.

"Mom!"

It never ceases to amaze me, the motherly instinct of hearing my child across a sea of people.

Last night Brooke and I went to the movie theatre. The lobby was packed full of movie-goers chatting endlessly while waiting in line at the snack bar. There were 5 rows of people, Brooke wanted candy for the movie. It was then, above the chatter, across the room, I heard “Mom!”

Mom is a common term, but instantly my head turned, it was my oldest baby girl. Mariah was in the far line getting pop & popcorn.  She ran over to Brooke & I to say hello when she said she was there with her dad to see the Adam Sandler movie “Jack and Jill.”  We were, too!

Mariah gets their popcorn and pop when I tell her, “As soon as your dad drinks the pop, thank him for me for the first sip!”  She chuckles, I smile in satisfaction.

Eric, Mariah, Brooke and I all sit together in the theater. Eric leans over to sip his pop when I leaned across Mariah to thank him for a drink. He only laughs.

Eric and I have spent the last 15 years since our divorce getting one-up on each other when it comes to our bad sense of humor.

All four of us sat in the theater together laughing at a comedy.

It was less than a week ago when I was desperately trying to figure out a way all of us could get together without it being awkward under the disguise of buying cherished time. I am also trying to get Eric to make a video for Mariah, it seems something too hard emotionally for him to do. I still want the girls to have last fond memories of time together, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries … a new behavior I am learning since his diagnosis.

Only a few days ago when I couldn’t figure it out myself and I had to hand it over to God. “Please make opportunity arrangements were the girls both have last good memories of all of us together.”

I do believe in divine intervention.

 I do believe it wasn’t a coincidence that all of us showed up at the same movie theater, the same time for the same movie.

I’m hoping more of these opportunities present themselves.

Multi-Symptoming

It takes a good hearty virus to stop me in my tracks, but it happens once in a blue moon and it happened this week.

For weeks I have been miserable with multi-symtoms and living on meds that make me light-headed in order to function and get through my busy days. As a mom, I cling to the jingle, "I haven't got time for the pain."

After several nights on the couch after work with everything hurting and not being able to sleep, I went to the doctors. Severe bronchitis + a sinus infection.  A double whammy! A diagnosis enough to slow me down.

Sleeping on the couch so I could sleep sitting up, I set my alarm clock to get Brooke off to school. Brooke struggles between wanting to be helpful and over complaining, I believe that she isn't used to not being the center of attention. She is very helpful and thoughtful as long as it is on her terms & conditions.

We often say that we pray for Brooke's future husband. He will be a man of great patience and must excel in acts of service. Brooke wouldn't have it any other way!

Brooke takes her shower then proudly states, "I am going to pack my own lunch today! I need the practice for when I am in college and you may not be around every day to pack it for me!" 

Honest words spoken by a very honest Brooke.

Brooke and I will both be relieved when life gets back to normal.

Mama Said

“ … there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this my Mama said”

“You will have days you will be happy and completely fine, then you will have days that your heart will hurt and you will cry,” I told Brooke.  Cry when you need to. Mommy still cries for you and your daddy, too.

She said everyone thinks she is strong and she is trying to be. “A strong person is one that is true to their emotions and feels the things they should,” I am trying to teach her, through the murky waters of her dad’s death. 

It started last night when the three of us were talking about Eric’s worsening Lou Gehrig’s. Mariah telling me the things she needs and wants to happen for her dad’s death that she is not able to tell him. I am her trusted liaison. Mariah sharing her heart and her thoughts of her dad being in heaven someday.

Eric’s struggle and continuing downward spiral with Lou Gehrig’s is resurrecting emotions Brooke does not want to deal with.

Last night she was very quiet, this morning weepy and today she called me from school. I could barely understand her, when she repeated in a broken whisper, “Remember you said there would be good days and bad days? I’m having a bad day,” she sobbed. I was at the school in 35 minutes.

She needed me.  She needed to be in the comfort of home. She also needed a super fun & new desert to shake off the depression. I whisked her away to Don Pablo’s for a fried ice cream and hot chocolate lava cake! New atmosphere, two new deserts to try, just what mom (the doctor) ordered!

I could tell the depression had been shaken off and as we walked out of Don Pablo’s, Brooke’s arm hooked in mine, she said, “I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.”

“Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this my Mama said”

That's why God made chocolate!