1st Anniversary of His Death

As a mom I have anticipated, planned, prepared, dreaded, and lamented over the next approaching milestone a year brings in order to buffer as much as mommy-powers can and prevent any unwanted emotions for my Brooke.

This is empathy. It is protection. It is compassion. It love for my little girl.

There are no rule books on how to handle each situation that arises or that prepares you for the dreaded unplanned moments that blindside bringing fresh tears and raw emotions to life again.

I’ve planned ahead and worried for today.

Does Brooke remember the anniversary date?  I look into her eyes days ago to ask the question. Sometimes I forget to breathe when I am trying to look calm and happy. Inside the pressure in my chest wants to suffocate me.

Brooke answers very matter-of-factly, “Yes I remember, my calendar is marked.”

Calendar?  Not prepared for her okay-ness which through me off, then she has a calendar?

Tonight Brooke will get her first spa experience of a mommy & daughter massage. We will get our massages, pick up ice cream sundaes on the way home where we will watch our DVR’d SpongeBob episodes in remembrance of her dad.

Today I woke up unexpectedly happy. Instead of dread, I woke up to the realization that our year of firsts is over!

We made it!  The past year is now a memory.

Grandma drove Brooke to school today and sent me this email …

Driving Brooke to school we got about 50 raindrops on our wind shield...Just as we pulled up to her school she noticed a huge rainbow…( just beyond school parking lot)  When she noticed it , it was vague....it become brighter and brighter and it almost glowed!!!! As soon as she walked inside the school , it faded......I told Brooke , I bet that’s from your Dad saying how happy he is in Heaven.....I made sure I didn't say it in a way to make her feel bad and she was fine with it.. While she ate her scrambled eggs she turned on sponge Bob ..:)

I haven't felt Keith's presence in over six months. Brooke said she hasn't either. Today though, we did get a message from heaven.

Love remembers.

One Year

One year.

December 19, 2010, the anniversary of Brooke’s dad’s death.

I am so thankful one year is almost a memory.

One year of milestones. A father-daughter dance. Birthdays. Holidays. Father’s Day. A first birthday without a daddy. A year of no more weekends with him. A lot of firsts with uncertainty and no rule book on how to handle them with care.

One year of living through a tragic death and picking up the pieces again.

One year of fear. One year of running to the battle line. How do I protect her heart?

I need to get this one year behind us.

I thank God it is one year later.

Lou Gehrigs Disease

It was just a few short weeks ago that I received another life-changing phone call.

My ex-husband, my Mariah’s dad, called to give me his diagnosis from five months of testing … Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

This was not familiar to me, so I asked, “What does this mean?” He replied, “It means I have 2-3 years to live.”

A simple phone call. Life changes. Forever.

It was less than a year ago that I received the phone call that my youngest daughter Brooke’s dad died.

There is a unique blend of feelings that collide during a phone call like this. It is suffocation. It is pain. It is memories. Tears become uncontrollable. Breathe. My daughter. Her dad. It is letting bygones be bygones. It is forgiveness. It is, “How do we get through this?”

As we approach the anniversary of Brooke’s dad passing, we have another tragic death approaching. This death won’t be sudden like the other. This one will be aggressive, a loss of quality of life to a tragic end. 

I have two hearts that hurt, my Mariah and my Brooke. I have two daughters that will experience life without a dad.

It doesn’t seem real to experience such loss and pain with one child, let alone both.

Life in perspective. Letting bygones be bygones.

A new journey called Lou Gehrigs Disease.

Caramel

“There are two kinds of people in this world, those who like caramel and those who don’t”, I stated.

That’s pretty much how our friendship started standing in line at Starbucks. We were discussing Starbuck’s new Salted Caramel Mocha. 

I categorize. I don’t like caramel. You either like it or you don’t.

Which lead me one step further, “It’s like science fiction, you either like it or you don’t.”

That is pretty much how the humor in our friendship began and since then, life became categorized.

You eat meat or you don’t. He was vegan. I am not.

You like coffee or you don’t. I tend to cringe inside when someone says they don’t drink coffee.  Not a friendship breaker, but a category I have to remember in the future.

You drink milk or you are either lactose intolerant or a super vegan.

You either like cats or you prefer dogs.

Our lists go on and on.

Either you are really funny or you are not.  I think I am really funny. He agreed. 

See? We did have common ground.

You have better opportunities or you do not.

JA, I wish you the very best and I miss you very much.

Smartmouthfullness

I laughed when Mariah commented this morning, “I have been watching my smartmouthfulness with you lately” she innocently said like the better child as she was very frustrated with her morning moody sister.

Smartmouthfulness.

I like this word. 

Mariah is my sweeter child. Happy. Good-natured. Funny. Sweet.

Brooke is a bit more like me personality wise. I try to explain to her frustrated sister that Brooke is moody.  Nobody can deal with Brooke’s mood swings well, but me.  That’s because I ignore her. 

When I am feeling a little on edge, I would prefer for everyone to stay out of my path and not talk to me.  It’s rather simple. 

You cannot get moody to go away, especially by confrontation. It goes away on its own with time like the morning fog.  Then balance is restored and we now have a bit demanding Brooke.  I don’t blame Brooke, she comes by it naturally. She is strong and independent with occasional mood swings.

I am often thankful Mariah is more sweet-natured like her dad.

WARNING:  Smartmouthfulness may cause reaction and me to not ignore mood swings.

Ahhhhh … the life and beauty of having a teenage and a pre-teen daughter. 

Love In Her Tears

Last night one of my dearest friends called me and told me she had to share something then she began to cry.

Her tears were love. Her tears were frustration for me. Her tears were the tears of true friendship in a message she did not want to deliver.

Disappointment I can handle.  Love and warmth in the pure tears of a friend holds a special healing balm.

Not knowing what I was about to hear, calm came over me and I asked her to please not cry, regardless I will be fine.

In life we have many disappointments and heartbreaks.

Disappointments and heartbreaks are the result of something good that doesn’t end well. It is the good in the disappointment that I cherish.

Take away my capacity of pain

 and you rob me of the possibility of joy.

There is a purpose for everything that happens.  It is the purpose that fills me with wonder.

Today I read:

If you are living and breathing, your purpose has not yet been fulfilled. No matter what you have done or what has been done to you, God does have a plan for your life.

Single Is a Season

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: … a time to plant and a time to uproot … a time to tear down and a time to build … a time to embrace and a time to refrain … a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend … a time to love 

                                                                        ECCLESIASTES 3:1-3, 5-8

Being single is a gift. A gift to be lived. A time to appreciate. It is only a season.

A time to allow yourself to heal before you attempt to love.

I appreciate this time in my life and often wonder if I would be climbing the walls if I were in the confines of marriage. I’m guessing I would be. I love love. I also love the freedom of unlimited opportunity.

For the most part I am routine, structure and calm. Then the wind blows … and my unsettled spirit comes alive.

So many choices in life. Unlimited options, I embrace you.  

One of my favorite authors, Michelle McKinney Hammond writes:

In other words, take the time that you’ve been given to become the best you that you can be.  Redeem the time.  Don’t just tread water, go somewhere. Move forward and upward. Prepare yourself. Occupy your life fully until someone asks you to make room for him. Enjoy this season, for you know not when the weather will change. Yes, my sister, keep time and know that change is inevitable.

For my friends who look at single as a negative of being “alone” … change your perspective and look at it for the blessing of what it really is.

Make the most of this season.