Smartmouthfullness

I laughed when Mariah commented this morning, “I have been watching my smartmouthfulness with you lately” she innocently said like the better child as she was very frustrated with her morning moody sister.

Smartmouthfulness.

I like this word. 

Mariah is my sweeter child. Happy. Good-natured. Funny. Sweet.

Brooke is a bit more like me personality wise. I try to explain to her frustrated sister that Brooke is moody.  Nobody can deal with Brooke’s mood swings well, but me.  That’s because I ignore her. 

When I am feeling a little on edge, I would prefer for everyone to stay out of my path and not talk to me.  It’s rather simple. 

You cannot get moody to go away, especially by confrontation. It goes away on its own with time like the morning fog.  Then balance is restored and we now have a bit demanding Brooke.  I don’t blame Brooke, she comes by it naturally. She is strong and independent with occasional mood swings.

I am often thankful Mariah is more sweet-natured like her dad.

WARNING:  Smartmouthfulness may cause reaction and me to not ignore mood swings.

Ahhhhh … the life and beauty of having a teenage and a pre-teen daughter. 

Love In Her Tears

Last night one of my dearest friends called me and told me she had to share something then she began to cry.

Her tears were love. Her tears were frustration for me. Her tears were the tears of true friendship in a message she did not want to deliver.

Disappointment I can handle.  Love and warmth in the pure tears of a friend holds a special healing balm.

Not knowing what I was about to hear, calm came over me and I asked her to please not cry, regardless I will be fine.

In life we have many disappointments and heartbreaks.

Disappointments and heartbreaks are the result of something good that doesn’t end well. It is the good in the disappointment that I cherish.

Take away my capacity of pain

 and you rob me of the possibility of joy.

There is a purpose for everything that happens.  It is the purpose that fills me with wonder.

Today I read:

If you are living and breathing, your purpose has not yet been fulfilled. No matter what you have done or what has been done to you, God does have a plan for your life.

Single Is a Season

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: … a time to plant and a time to uproot … a time to tear down and a time to build … a time to embrace and a time to refrain … a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend … a time to love 

                                                                        ECCLESIASTES 3:1-3, 5-8

Being single is a gift. A gift to be lived. A time to appreciate. It is only a season.

A time to allow yourself to heal before you attempt to love.

I appreciate this time in my life and often wonder if I would be climbing the walls if I were in the confines of marriage. I’m guessing I would be. I love love. I also love the freedom of unlimited opportunity.

For the most part I am routine, structure and calm. Then the wind blows … and my unsettled spirit comes alive.

So many choices in life. Unlimited options, I embrace you.  

One of my favorite authors, Michelle McKinney Hammond writes:

In other words, take the time that you’ve been given to become the best you that you can be.  Redeem the time.  Don’t just tread water, go somewhere. Move forward and upward. Prepare yourself. Occupy your life fully until someone asks you to make room for him. Enjoy this season, for you know not when the weather will change. Yes, my sister, keep time and know that change is inevitable.

For my friends who look at single as a negative of being “alone” … change your perspective and look at it for the blessing of what it really is.

Make the most of this season.  

Thank You Power

A good day at work. A good day at school for my girls.

A favorite meal cooked and dinner is spent at the table laughing and talking as a family.

Warm and sunny outside. Windows open.

Happy. Healthy.

My littlest one comes and stands in my arms for a hug.

My oldest observes and wants a hug, too. A family hug.

Peace. Happiness.

Thank you power.

The Holiday

I vividly remember sitting in the movie theater when The Holiday came out a few years ago. Alone and broken, I sat with unexpected tears streaming down my face, my heart relating to words I understood too well …

Iris: Listen, I know it’s hard to believe people when they say "I know how you feel", but I actually know how you feel. You see, I was seeing someone back in London. We work for the same newspaper and then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah from the circulation department on the 19th floor. Turned out that he was not in love with me like I thought. What I am trying to say is, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Miles: That's what you’re doing here, your getting over somebody.

Iris: Yeah! This is me in good shape.

Miles: Is this the guy who sent you pages from his novel?

Iris: Yeah. He needs me.

Miles: So he stays in touch?

Iris: All the time.

Miles: So that makes it impossible to forget him; which is great for him but sucks for you.

I love this scene. Written by experience.

Brooke put this movie on tonight and I couldn’t help but watch this scene that Kate Winslet performed wonderfully.

How many times this scene played in my life? Different leading men in the role; me, left empty and feeling as insignificant as humanly possible.

Time fading … they get back in touch.

The Birds On 9-11

Today I experienced a moment that took my breath away with a group of teens.

A moment that had such an impact on me that I felt chills, pride and love for this group of kids I am just getting to know.

I sit on the Board for the Stark County Urban Teen Leadership Academy (SCUTLA). A group of 28 teenagers from 6 local area high schools that participate in a 7-month program with each day being dedication to a selected topic (Travel & Tourism, Government, Manufacturing, Diversity, Current Issues, Higher Education, Personal Success). This program is the first leadership group of its kind in Stark County for teens. Today was the first day of the first class. The Class of 2012.

Today was “Travel & Tourism” and I had the honor of hosting this very first day.

Our event-filled day ended with an ArtsinStark tour of galleries in downtown Canton.

Here is where my moment began …

We enter an art gallery filled only with art as a tribute to the upcoming anniversary of 9-11.

As in each gallery, the teens are engaging in quiet conversation and enjoying themselves.

I approach a unique piece hanging in the middle of the room. Two tiles representing the Twin Towers with birds dangling below. The gallery owner encouraged me to read the letter on the wall, the description of the artist’s inspiration for her piece.

Reading the inspiration behind this piece, chills came in waves over my body.

Soft chatter among the teens filled the gallery and I gathered and encouraged them to read about this unique piece themselves.

A couple of the guys wandered over, others followed. The one that had been there first, the loner of the group, the quiet one, that had been reading to him self started at the beginning again and began to read to the others in a hushed tone.

Silence filled the gallery and I witnessed a moment that took my breath away. The boy, with a speech impediment, read the letter. A moment I captured in a photograph.

The artist, a mom, asked her little girl what she remembered the most about 9-11. The little girl told her mommy she remembers all the birds in the sky by the Twin Towers. The mom was perplexed as she knew there were no birds flying in the air after the first plane hit, then the second.

Her daughter described the birds in the air when the artist realized her little girl was actually speaking of the people. Human beings that jumped out of windows to their own death. Escaping the heat and horror of what had struck them. America watching in horror.

A tragedy forever etched in our minds.

An artist’s tribute to her daughters memory of 9-11 hanging in the middle of a gallery. An artist, a mom, hoping her little girl never realizes that it was not birds as she remembers, rather people.

Each of those teens stood in silence. The gallery was silent, but for the voice a student.

I realized I was holding my breath.

A moment that took my breath away.

A moment and a memory I had to capture.

“May I please take a picture of this?” I whispered to the gallery owner. She nods her head.

I remember suddenly my battery is dead in my camera. Maybe it has life for one photograph?  Please God. My camera captures the moment then loses power.

Patriotism. History. Respect. Teens.

An artists tribute to 9-11.

Sassy, Single & Satisfied

I am always reading books to stretch my mind and grow as a person.

As I have embraced and entered the 40’s and fabulous stage in my life I have learned, mostly over the last few years, to truly love at a deeper level.

No longer is just love about a feeling, an emotion, a sight. Love is a verb, an action word. What are my actions when life happens?

In Sassy, Single & Satisfied, Michelle McKinney Hammond writes:

The purest delight of love is pouring out all that you have on one who recognizes the worth of your offerings, but that might not always be the case. Give anyway.

When you give love to someone, they will never be the same because of you. Love is deep, profound, and life-changing. Not everyone has the capacity or the ability to respond to it adeptly, yet it never fails to affect all that it touches. For some, the effect of love is more immediate. For others, it reshapes their hearts. You will never know the full effect of your love in the lives of some.

Years later, the recipient will pause to remember a word you spoke, a gesture you offered and ponder its effect on their lives. Love is everlasting.

Such is the cycle of true love, to give and give again. It is in the giving that you get what you are looking for.

~ 

That doesn’t sound very happily ever after, to give and give again; but, love is a verb, an action word. 

The invisible cord that keeps hearts connected.  

Feast or Famine

Dating has its seasons. I refer to them as feast or famine.

Feasting is the season where opportunities are plenty, rich in abundance and where we dwell in gratification and delight. 

Feastings contradictory polar opposite, famine, is its very definition, extreme scarcity.

Both are very real seasons in dating. I reside in feasting. For the moment.

Old.  Familiar. New.

Experience says not to let this go to my head, but to handle with care.

Slightly blindsided from an unexpected phone call this morning, “Do you like being single or do you want me to come back?”  Holy Spirit … 911! 

Head over heart decision. Logic versus love.

Or, is it love versus logic … heart over head?

Seasons do not last, handle with prayer.

Only time will tell.

Realization

re·al·i·za·tion

 

• the act of realizing or the state of being realized.
• an instance or result of realizing.

Friday night football and Brooke asks to go hang out with her friends.

No, she is only 11 years old.

Mariah and I are driving to drop her off at the game when Mariah asks why Brooke doesn’t want to go?  I explain that a very disappointed Brooke is too young.

Mariah reminds me that I let her “see & be seen” at football games when she was Brooke’s age.

I did?

Realization hits me. Hard.

Yes, Brooke is in the middle school.  A natural progression in life after elementary school.  Old enough to hang out with friends at a game?  I am uncertain why that feels so significant to me.

I call Brooke and tell her she can go and to quickly get ready.

Spirit wear is important!  We raid Mariah’s closet.  Finding a shirt, wild socks and tennis shoes.  Mariah sees her sister and asks if she had fun raiding her closet? Brooke beams.  She is alive and she has arrived!

Friday night football. A sea of purple and gold. Lights. Excitement. Kids everywhere.

I sit in the middle of the grand stand seating. Safely where my kids are cool and independent.  Under watchful eye for safety sake.

Fortunately, at half-time Brooke had enough. She doesn’t do well in crowds and was getting hot and feeling claustrophobic. 

Thrilled I let her see & be seen, Friday night football was pure satisfaction.

Another unexpected realization that both my girls are truly becoming independent young ladies.

Laundry List

I am getting my fire back.

I am making my laundry list of the things I want to do, the fun I want to have and embracing the world of unlimited options, again.

It is a pattern in my life when relationship ends.  I allow myself time to be true to my heart and heal a bit. Not to run around with my hair on fire, meeting to new people that I am not emotionally ready for.  That is another whole mess breaking another’s heart.

Handle one emotion at a time then jump back into life with both feet!

That is exactly where I am at now. 

Life is full of unlimited options.

Today, I am going to join a gym. Social outlet.  Mental therapy.  I need it.  A no kid zone!

Driving into work today I had a phone conversation with one of my morning commute girlfriends, often the best time of day to talk without interruptions. She is going to Put-in-Bay this Labor Day weekend.  I love Put-in-Bay … the little Key West of the north!

A must add to my laundry list of fun.

I am lucky to have handful of girlfriends that are single right now, it makes being single even better.

Autumn is coming.  Football games. Zip lining. End of summer concerts. Motorcycles.  Live music. Wineries I haven’t been to.  Art shows.  Basketball season. The list goes on …

I am a resilient being.

A strength of being an eternal optimist.

Today I warmly embrace my clean slate, new laundry list in life.

The single laundry list.