Sleepover

My son-in-law, Jeremy, was in Mexico doing renovations at an orphanage with a group of guys this week and I spent the week with my daughter and grandbabies.

This photo was cute and reminds me of Sofia's excitement to have me sleepover, specifically in her room with her. Bedtime was exciting and she liked going to bed early and would announce when it was time to go to bed, which was one-on-one time, just her and I.

Beds pushed together, we'd say our bedtime prayers. Who do you want to pray for? Sofia would say, "aUnT bRoOke, gRiNnY pApA, aNnA eLsA oLaf." Then, she'd get comfy and gradually end up nestled next to me. I loved her happiness. 

The happy and sweet moments during the week and the quiet time rocking my sweet babies to sleep. Multi-symptoming or not and just like my own girls, I still lavishly hug and kiss them. She made me smile when she ran into my arms and said, "mY gAmMa!" 

Sleeping was rough. I had a hand flop across my face, a finger shoved in my nose, and last night her hand flopped straight on my eyeball and I saw a flash of light (from pain) and I wasn't sure for a moment if there was going to be damage.

Between midnight and 5:30 a.m. this morning my Fitbit had me at 3,200 steps. That was with Rowan. Both kids are multi-symptoming and he isn't sleeping well, so I took turns with Mariah getting up with him.

It's hard having little ones and it's extra hard when they aren't feeling well. At 2-1/2 years and 7 months old, my daughter has her hands full. 

Jeremy comes home tonight. It's a good thing because I am living on caffeine and meds to function. I'm not sure if I'm sick or just worn out and multi-symptoming. I will know tomorrow after I sleep tonight.

The weather forecast has high winds and rain tonight, perfect sleeping weather. It was a busy week with clubhouse renovation projects where I scraped wallpaper off for two days straight, still working a crazy busy season with brides from holiday engagements, hosted a couple events, and when I wasn't working I was at my daughter's with my grandbabies. 

My butt is officially kicked, my whole body hurts and I'm exhausted. 

I hope the thunderstorms begin soon, this girl is ready for bed!

Zen

"Is that why you're still single, Dawn?" I was asked at work today while working with a handful of colleagues on a renovation project. 

Their phones kept tinging from spouses/partners texts, nagging conversations and those who complained openly after the calls, and those who don't complain but never say anything good and you just know it isn't a good relationship. It went on and on and on. I wanted to say say,"Good grief, why do you choose to live like this??"

I hear it all the time. People needing more out of their partners than what they are getting, the real life day in and day out stuff with another person that has some advantages, but mostly disappointments and shortcomings. 

This is the tip of the iceberg surface stuff. What about all the thoughts that junk up their mind and the frustrations, conversations, and arguments where everyone is wanting the other to fill a void they are not capable of filling. 

I've become so anti-drama in my single life that I find I protect it at all costs. It would take a miracle from God to find a partner I would want and I'm not even looking.  

Peace is underrated. Freedom from disturbance. Tranquility, stillness, calm and quiet, it's very zen. It's a season of clarity. 

So, when I was asked today, "Is that why you're still single, Dawn?" My answer was, "I will be single until I find someone sweeter than my solitude." 

Calling Hours

It was a morning that felt like slow motion, as if it took so much longer to get ready for calling hours than needed. It's amazing the memories and details we remember. I turned on the hot shower ...

It was in 2000, we had just began working together when I met Dawn. She became blond Dawn and I of course was dark-haired Dawn. That's how our kids would refer to us. Brooke wasn't even 1 years old yet. The first thing we ever did together was planning a play date at the park, having kids the same age. I vividly remember her asking me, "How do you do it as a single mom?" I knew what she was hinting at, but being new colleagues and friends I didn't ask questions.

She went through an awful divorce to an angry, controlling and jealous much older husband who would make life difficult for her to present date. It was a tough journey, but our friendship grew. Stephanie just moved to the area and the three of us became a strong support system as best of friends with little ones the same ages we learned to be single moms together and had play dates, sleep over parties, working out at the gym, going out still being very much young and alive. We were three single moms doing our very best. Our kids were: 1, 2, 3 4, 5, 6 years old. McLaren, Brooke, Micaela, Austin, Mia and Mariah. 

Outlasting each dating relationship and marriage was our friendship.

[Today] I slip on a black dress and put on pearl earrings getting ready for calling hours and feel a strong need to see her, even though she has the absolute best husband ever whom I think is happy, healthy, stable, fun-loving, adores her and has made her life so much better being in it. I know he's with her. They've been married for almost 2 years. He knows her now in the role of her husband, I've known her for decades and I am Switzerland when it comes to secrets, matters of the heart, and this is where having best friends is so critical in life. 

The church was out in the country and already had a long line of guests paying their respects. She looks worn out, but she is well put together and composed greeting guests. I expected nothing less. 

I'm watching guests and I'm observing where her family is positioned standing greeting guests. Dawn is one of five sisters. Their respective spouses and kids all together and Dawn by her mom at the casket. She's strong enough to be front and center and a rock of support for her mom and she is.

Finally, it took a while to get to her and I just hugged her. She said, "I was going to call you last night, I needed to get out of the house, but I didn't have it in me to talk." I had been thinking of calling her, but didn't knowing how busy she must be in all the preparation. I told her we can walk, watch movies, we don't have to talk at all. In fact, let's get out of town and go away for a night or several nights. That's the beauty of this season in life. Buy a plane ticket and just go. Note to self: tomorrow I will get her out of the house.

Hugging her husband, Tom, and thank God for Tom! He whispers, please call her and I tell him I will. He stood behind her doing motions for me to call her, several times which leads me to believe, he's tapping into a needed support system for her. I heard and I saw his desperate attempt to relay the message, believe me I caught on immediately. I got this. 

I didn't stay for the service. There were so many people and her family needs one another, so I slipped out the church door.

I knew she was in a bad place before I spoke to her, saw her and was tipped off. I've been around for decades. I know she will pull through, we've certainly been in the trenches before, but this is going to take a long time. It was her dad passing away, not a dysfunction guy who broke her heart. 

The heavy cloud coverage is making for another dark and dreary day, it's perfect for my heavy heart. 

A text came through from Mariah and I am going to watch her play alumni basketball tonight with the girls she graduated with. This will be a fun distraction and I can't wait to see my grandbabies.

"hOnEy sUcKeR?"

The other day I was watching my Sofia at her house when she asked, "hOnEy sUcKeR?" I smiled. Oh my sweet granddaughter, I love honey suckers, too. So I told her when she comes over I will give her a honey sucker. Her eyes lit up and she shook her head, "YES!" 

When we were in Gatlinburg for our holiday vacation, my daughter and I stopped at the Savannah Bee Co. and I simply fell in love with the store. It was one of those moments where I didn't know which direction to start in. Do I walk straight ahead to the honey bar and start sampling, start to the right where the honey skin care products were, or to the left with bottles in every shape and size and flavor of honey. I was in heaven. 

Making a few purchases, we both grabbed a honey sucker for our drive back to the cabin. That's when my love affair with honey suckers began. So, I ordered several bags of honey suckers for Christmas when I got home. 

Two people know of my stash of these delightful treats, Sofia and Brooke.

Brooke stopped over one day and walking through the door in a very faint voice asked if I had a spoon full of honey she could have to help her throat. Okay, this momma knows her little girl and I asked if she would like a honey sucker, to which she woefully replied that she didn't have one.

That's when I lost my composure and called her out. She smiled. Miss Brooke & little Miss Sofia know I have a hidden stash. 

It's a special sweet treat and if it makes my sweet granddaughter happy in her heart knowing there are honey suckers for her at Gamma's house, I will clearly have to keep a constant supply or learn how to make these. 

You

The weather is perfect outside. It's the January blend of a thick blanket of gray cloud coverage, constant drizzle and a chill in the air. Perfect to stay in. 

I just got home from work and have an entire evening ahead of me. For dinner, I'm doing a BBQ pork with sweet corn and corn bread is in the oven baking. Slipping into a favorite comfy outfit, a pot of coffee is freshly made, and I'm about to binge-watch You on Netflix. I'm addicted!!

A couple good books and at some point I will take a break between episodes, tie up my hair, and soak in a tub with a delicious smelling bath bomb. 

Quite honestly, it's a perfect evening ahead of me and I would rather be alone and enjoy the wordless routine of a glorious winter hibernation, then run around in crappy weather trying to find something to do to have fun. Or, worse yet, shop for happiness. I hate shopping and I have everything I need and want. 

Cheers to know what makes you happy and doing it!

Loss

In the midst of getting ready for work today, my phone rang. When I saw her name on my phone, I could feel my heart break for her and I was a mess before I even answered and said, "How are you?"

She apologized for not calling sooner, but with her father's blindsiding heart attack that killed him days early, one of my very dearest girlfriends, has been in the blur of the unexpected death of her father, who was a really, really great dad. 

She shared the details and the raw panic of that day and if you've ever lost someone significant in your life, those visions are often permanently etched in your memory. For respect of her privacy, I will keep those details private. 

There is a place with best friends, when you can safely break and bare your soul. I knew when I didn't hear back for days, it's because she didn't have the strength outside of making arrangements for him to call. So, I would send her daily texts letting her know she was in my continued thoughts and prayers and that I loved her. 

There are no magical words. Flashbacks to deaths and loss I've experienced, and while I don't remember any of the words that were shared, I remember my girlfriends coming over, and just being present. You remember the ones who stepped in and filled the gap to just listen and let me cry as long as I needed. 

Unexpected deaths bring a panic, a sense of confusion, and chaos of their very own. 

She was blessed with a wonderful father and a great man who loved life and his family. His passing will take a toll on her. 

They say time heals the heart. I believe, time lessens the rawness of the pain. When the world is back to normal for everyone else, and the months and year's have passed, others think your heart has healed and is fine, sometimes it isn't. 

When you deeply love, you learn how to live with the loss. 

I know Saturday morning I will see her at calling hours and I can't wait to hug her. Decades of best friendship will turn into tears and unspoken words I know she has broken. 

Standing in the store looking at sympathy cards with words like: sympathy, your loved one, peace ... all sounded so generic, cold and impersonal. I found only one card that read of the right now, when your loss is so fresh, because I wanted a card that speaks to the right now when the world feels like it's collapsing for her to know, I'm here, for every time she needs to talk, cry, or just be present, and I'm praying. Not the emoji of praying hands everyone overly uses on social media for show and you know the half-hearted intention is lost the moment the next post appears, but really praying. 

Until then, 

please remember

there's a circle of friends

surrounding you

who are embracing you

and lifting you up in prayer.

New Years Eve

New Year's Eve day started off watching my grandbabies. Rowan is 6 months old and I am in love with my sweet grandson who is always happy and has the greatest fuzzy, duckling hair!! He's so sweet and happy and love this Gamma's snuggles, playing, and kisses. 

My Great Gatsby New Year's Eve Celebration was total success! Stunned that 98% of the guests came totally dressed for the Roaring 20's, as guests arrived happy and ready to celebrate.

I created these frosted boxes and it's hard to see in the photo there are lights inside of them and they are actually glowing. I thought it was a very fun presentation to walk into.

Music filled the air as guests walked through the door, sounding as if they were walking into a speakeasy. Setting the tone and giving the feel that you wanted to run to the dance floor and do the Charleston.

The room lit up and draping in pearls and ostrich feather plumes, great music, the scent of delicious food in the air and the open bar, my guests were ready to party. Believe me, they partied! 

Brooke & Alex had fun dressed as a flapper and I believe my daughter was happiest on the dance floor. It was fun watching her dance, she's always had amazing rhythm.

Even after the party was over, guests didn't want to leave. 

Most of the ladies were flappers, but here are some of my personal favorite 20's outfits. This guys was a riot and came with a party of 18. 

This couple was so cute in classic 20's attire and were fabulous on the dance floor.

People watching was entertaining, they partied like crazy! A countdown clock to midnight, champagne toasts and pork and sauerkraut at midnight and I finally pushed them out the doors by 2:15 a.m. 

I guess when it's a good party, nobody is in a hurry to leave. I'm also guessing there are a lot of worn out people today. 

Me, it's New Years Day and Christmas is officially down and all is clean. 

Welcome 2020.