Perfect Plans, Perfect Timing

I'm sharing this because I do believe perfect plans have perfect timing.

The New York Times
Lysa TerKeurst

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

Have you ever wondered if the dreams tucked in your heart will ever come to be?

Me too.

I still remember sitting on my bed as a young girl and staring down at an old typewriter my dad brought home. I was fascinated with the way the keys struck the paper. I started to string together words — sentences — paragraphs. I whispered, "Maybe one day a whole book."

But the whisper got buried in a tangle of other things.

All the while the Lord had a plan. A hope. A future. If only I would seek Him, I would find Him, if I would seek Him with all my heart. Not just my Sunday heart. Not just my quiet time heart. But, seek Him in it all.

Seek Him.

Surrender to Him.

Trust Him.

Turn to Him.

Obey Him.

Say yes to Him.

Realize how significantly God can use inconvenience, interruption, and unlikely twists. Instead of always praying, "God bless me," I started praying, "God unsettle me. God inconvenience me, interrupt me, and redirect me."

The road was bumpy and hard. There were years of quiet service with no light on the horizon that God would ever use me beyond my own mailbox.

While others were chasing dreams, I was scraping dried up Cheerios from underneath the sticky farm table. And in that place I learned so much. "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14, NIV).

Maybe you are in that place right now? Waiting and wondering if your calling will ever come to be. The road ahead seems so long... almost impossible. Sweet sister, take heart. The years of quiet service are a treasure. God must develop our character in the quiet if we're ever to be used effectively in public.

Yes, there were years of quiet for me. And those years were so very crucial. There was a rich purpose to the wait. There always is.

Then one day I saw a lady share her story at my church and I dared to whisper to my husband, "Could I? Should I try?"

His smile said, "Yes."

And I remembered the old typewriter. The words. The sentences. The whisper of a book. Of all the moments that rushed by long forgotten, that one snagged in the corner of my mind and lingered.

Seventeen years later, I wrote a book I thought only a handful of people would ever want to read. The message I never dreamed I could live. A book about my raw and secret struggles with food and how I learned to crave God above all else. My mess, touched by the Messiah, turned into a message.

And after years of waiting, I find myself staring down once again. This time my tears leak over one little square inch of newspaper... the New York Times bestseller list. An unlikely nod from the world that very rarely even looks in the direction of a Jesus message.

Today I whisper, "Thank You Jesus... thank You for the years of quiet service. Thank You for Your reminder to wait on Your timing. Thank You for healing me and allowing me the honor of breathing hope into so many other women with the same struggles. It was all worth it. Every day spent waiting, learning, developing and trusting. And in the end, the great joy isn't hitting a best seller list. The great joy is discovering how good and necessary times of waiting really are."

Blessed

bless·ed

1.                  divinely or supremely favored; fortunate

2.                  blissfully happy or contented

3.                  bringing happiness and thankfulness

Last night my girls and I spent a normal evening at home and I couldn’t help but reflect on how blessed we are.

I love to listen to my daughters carrying their own conversation with one another and laughing together. Mariah sharing with me her love letters from her boyfriend Mike and her expressions of her feelings for him. Both girls loving each other. The three of us comfy and watching a chick flick together.

Our home. A place of refuge, a shelter from life’s storms, our retreat. Our favorite place to be.

I admit I had a moment where I was secretly thankful it has just been my girls and I. No outside interference in raising my daughters the past 16 years and dealing with a man I didn’t want in my life.

Our lives are blessed in a million wonderful ways.

This thought made me reflect on Easter Sunday, the celebration of Christ’s resurrection. When Jesus arose from the dead and went to his disciples, he approached Thomas …

John 20:27-29 Then He said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen me, you have believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.”

Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

An inheritance. Divinely or supremely favored. Blessed.

Live & Active

I am very proud of both of my daughters who have made the decision, each on their own, to eat healthier!  They have been doing it for months now.

Brooke gave up eating ice cream every day and sweets in her lunch box.

Mariah has backed off soda and making better eating choices.

Both get plenty of exercise. Mariah runs at track 6 days a week and Brooke plays outside until dark. Both hit our elliptical. 

I personally am Go Red for Women and heart-smart!  I am thrilled my girls have made this choice being important in their lifestyle as well.

I prepare balanced meals almost daily. The cost of eating healthy definitely reflects on our grocery bill!

This week I sound like the Yoplait commercial … this week I’ve had Boston Crème Pie, Pina Colada, Orange Crème, Red Forest Cake, and today Chocolate Mousse … Mmmm!

I’m eating my delish Chocolate Mousse, reading the container “Vitamins A & D.”  Proud I made a healthy choice.

Then I read, “Contains:  Live & Active Cultures.” 

Really, was this necessary?  I literally dropped my Yoplait and now I will have live & active ants in my office now that there is yogurt in my carpet.  

I know yogurt has live cultures.  I try to not think about that and I surely do not want reminded of it when I am enjoying my snack!

Maybe I will drop a quick email to the President & CEO of Yoplait.

EYES ARE THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL

Eyes are the window to the soul
Throughout my life I’ve been told
To see into another’s heart
Eyes are the place to start

Be they hazel, green or blue
Black, brown color changing too
Matters not what color they may be
They show what one needs to see

Through these windows the truth lies
Emotionally nothing hides
Clear for all too recognize
Displayed to the world in ones eyes

Evident are anger, lust and surprise
Fear, truth, hope and despise
Happiness, sorrow, and confusion
Inside familiar eyes there is no illusion

To gaze deeply is an intense moment
For the eyes are an intimate component
Although prominent noticed by all
Often the feature hardest to recall

                                    - Vern Eaker

I Am His Oasis

Tattoo’s 4-day visit is over and he went back home.  I can’t say enough what a great guy and friend Billy has in him. Tattoo is full of personality, funny, outgoing, talkative and friendly.

They came over for dinner Wednesday evening and stayed much longer than expected, we were having such a good time together.

A few things surprised me about this evening:

1.                  Billy being so openly affectionate walking over to me all evening to hug me, kiss me and just be near me. I guess I assumed he would play it more cool, but he didn’t and that made me very happy.

2.                  Tattoo said he can’t believe the difference in Billy when he is around me and in my home. That Billy is totally different. Billy and Tattoo are total guys together. He has only seen Billy as his friend smack talking and acting like a total guy. He has never seen the affectionate, calm and loving side of him … until now.

In the book The Power of Femininity it talks about the priceless art of being a woman and how it has become a near-extinct and priceless treasure.

We woman have a unique power over our children and men in our lives. “Femininity is definitely strength under control. Femininity is strength wrapped in a velvet glove. It does not insist on its own way, but most of the time it gets it.”

Feminine women are strong women because their influence is deeply felt. We need to be equipped to inspire the man in our life to be the man he’s supposed to be.

There is an art to all this. Women need to get back to the basics and be what we were created to be, regardless if we are in a corporate office all week. It is our role in life to nurture and make our home a home. A place of refuge. An oasis. God said so!

People go to college to study to be a teacher, a doctor and a lawyer. I study how to be a better me. I study love. I study how to grow stronger and better as a person.

Why is it that people will seek only studying and learning for a job and not do the same for the most important relationships in their lives?

Build your home.

Michelle McKinney Hammond writes …

The man in your life should feel that his heart, his secrets and his emotions are safe with you. You should be the one to contribute to regulating his emotions and decisions, cooling him down when he’s hot under the collar and fanning the flame to stir up his passion for God, his ambitions and his home. You should be his haven of consistency, the one who is always there, the one he can always count on. He knows what to expect from you because your character is so sound. He should not come home every day to find a different woman who he can’t figure out living in his house. He should have access to your heart, your softness, your reassurances, and your counsel all the time and vice versa. You should be his oasis. He should be refreshed in your presence. And because of your good example, he wants to be the best he can be for you. Nothing on the face of the earth affects a man life the softness of a woman. Of all the things that he may acquire in his lifetime, nothing can bring him more joy or pain than to be welcomed or spurned by the woman he longs after. She is a sanctuary, a beautiful garden in which he loved to get lost. This is where he found his peace.

Billy came over last night to relax, refresh and rejuvenate in needed “our” time.

I know I am his oasis.

A Song Brooke's Daddy Sang

Today is Keith’s birthday. A day that Brooke cannot handle recognizing this year. 

Brooke has been asking to make a cake, so I have intentionally put it off until today.  I won’t mention his birthday today, but I will take pictures of her making the cake and putting the icing on it.  When she asks, I will show her the pictures to let her know we did celebrate though she wasn’t able to.

Debbie and I were talking the other day about Brooke growing up and she told me that she would tease Keith about that happening and that Brooke would be dating soon.  Keith would say to her, “Yah and I will be cleaning my gun!” and he would then sing this song …

Cleaning This Gun (Come On In Boy) lyrics by Rodney Atkins:
The Declaration of Independence
Think I could tell you that first sentence but then I’m lost
I can't begin to count the theories
I've had pounded in my head that I forgot

I don't remember all that Spanish
Or The Gettysburg Address
But there is one speech from high school
I'll never forget

Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me about yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now?
Yeah, we think she's something else

She's her daddy's girl
Her momma's world
She deserves respect
That’s what she'll get, ain’t it son?

Now, y'all run along and have some fun
I'll see you when you get back
Bet I’ll be up all night
Still cleaning this gun

Well, now that I’m a father
I’m scared to death one day my daughter
Is gonna find that teenage boy I used to be
That seems to have just one thing on his mind

She’s growin' up so fast
It won't be long before
Yeah, I’ll have to put the fear of God
Into some kid at the door
Yeah, come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me about yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now?
Yeah, we think she's something else

She's her daddy's girl
Her momma's world
She deserves respect
That’s what she'll get, now ain't it son?

Now y’all go out and have some fun
And I'll see you when you get back
Probably be up all night
Still cleaning this gun

Now it's all for show
Ain’t nobody gonna get hurt
It’s just a daddy thing
And hey, believe me, man, it works

Come on in boy sit on down
And tell me about yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now?
Yeah, we think she's something else

She's her daddy's girl
Her momma's world
She deserves respect
That’s what she'll get, ain't it son?

Now y’all run along and have a little fun
And I'll see you when you get back
Probably be up all night
Still cleaning this gun

Son, now y'all buckle up
And have her back by 10:00, uh
Let's say about 9:30
Drive safe

What a precious memory I will save for Brooke. Her daddy loving her in ways she didn’t yet understand. 

While I am thinking of ways to recognize his birthday today, she gets a gift of his love from him.

Happy Birthday Keith

God's Plan, Not Mine

I am the worst kind of commitment phobic. 

I am the “I am not afraid of making a commitment” because I can and do. I am the kind that proclaims I want it. I truly believe it, then I choke when permanency gets too close for comfort.

This has actually happened several times. I love the challenge and stimulation of the catch and thrive in the heart of the relationship until conversations turn too real.

Forever? Forever is a mighty long time.

This definitely explains why I make the choices I do. 

All this to say, my loving and doting significant other, has been dancing on the waters and talking about our future. He thinks about it a lot. I think about it a lot.

I love him. I do admit though that I get rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, and panic sets in if I thought it was really any time soon.

The future is the future.  Isn’t the future a far-off term anyway? 

This is a Holy Spirit … 911 conversation.  Only God knows what I can handle and what I cannot. I love the fact that He puts up roadblocks that I cannot penetrate when the answer is “No” and that He opens doors of opportunity when the answer is “Yes.” A lot of the time the answer is “Not now.”  Those are familiar boundaries that I can breathe in.

This was on my mind pretty heavy this morning. “God, I need your magical highlighter today.”

I don’t want to plan or pick my future, I want God to. I’m not even certain exactly what it is I truly want.  I have lots of desires and ideas that contradict themselves often, but my final plan?  Please God take control of those decisions and give me extraordinary!  I want the dreams that I may have forgotten, too.

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote in today’s “Living Love” message:

What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You've heard, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cares, cares right down to the last detail.   —JAMES 5:10-11, MSG

I am confident I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life. 

I am confident that God will bring it all together in the end for me, too! 

A Bizarre Week

What a bizarre week!

There is a boy out there that is exactly like me who lavishly expresses words of affirmations. That boy is my Mariah’s new boyfriend, Mike.

Mike hugged her, kissed her, slipped and said “I love you” today. A milestone in her life. Her first I love you from a boy.

I can say it over and over, I really like this boy. Mike is so smitten with Mariah. He cannot get enough of her and walks around with stars in his eyes. She reads me endless texts from him expressing his heart in every way he knows telling her how beautiful, wonderful and amazing she is. How much better his life is now that he found her.

Mike's mom shared a super cute email with her from the coach telling her that her son is walking around like a love-sick puppy dog at school over a girl.  That her name is Mariah and she is a really nice girl.

Mike showers her with these words of affirmations every day. I’m so thankful her first real boyfriend has set the bar so high and is spoiling her.

In track today, Mariah raced the state champ and the state qualifier in the 200 and placed 2^nd, which means she beat one of them!  I’m praying for a track scholarship!

Today, my Brooke became a young woman. Another milestone in life.

I talked to Roann, today would have been her & Keith’s 5 year anniversary. She is hurting.

Keith’s birthday is in two days, April 21^st.

Last night I met Billy’s best friend, Tattoo, who lives in Minnesota and has been a part of our daily conversations this past year. They talk every day and I get to hear about those funny conversations.

I was so impressed, what a nice guy!  I can see why they are so close. What I didn’t expect was Billy wanting me a part of everything. He couldn’t wait for me to come over and spend the evening with them and tried to get me to go to dinner tonight. I love how he clings to me and genuinely thanked him for really wanting me to be a part of everything with him & Tattoo, but they need guy time together.

As soon as they were home from dinner he called. He misses me. He needs familiar words to bring balance back into normal. Our normal.

The invisible cord that connects us emotionally.

Tomorrow I look forward to the guys coming over for dinner.

Thursday is Keith’s birthday. Brooke does not want this day mentioned, but we will bake a cake. Hopefully next year will be easier for her.

Good Friday. Two special programs at church I can't wait to attend.

A girlfriend lunch date on Saturday with a good friend. Much needed girlriend time.

Easter Sunday. The very purpose of our faith, Christ's resurrection and love.

It’s been a bizarre week. A week of much reflection.

Bedroom at Her Daddy's

It has been four months since Keith’s death. 

Today my dad and I met Debbie over at the condo, loaded up all of Brooke’s things in her bedroom at her daddy’s and brought them home.

Stress is funny. About an hour before I left to head over there, I began getting very hot. Then chest pain set in.  Driving over I found I kept holding my breath.

Breathe.

As soon as I stepped inside I knew I wasn’t capable of remaining unemotional.  I couldn’t breathe as I walked through Debbie & Keith’s condo. Keith’s worldly possessions everywhere.

Debbie took me into his walk-in closet lined with his clothes and told me to take anything I wanted. I could smell Keith. My olfactory sense kicking in and flooding my mind with memories.

So many clothes.  Specific clothing with distinct memories of when we were together and when I was pregnant. I couldn’t handle it.

Deb & I just stood there hugging each other and crying.

So much pain and so many unanswered questions.

A suicide.  A pending investigation of potential foul play.

Deb was wonderful. “Take anything you want” she said and she genuinely meant it.  The thing is, I don’t know what to take?  I don’t know what items are precious memories to Brooke.  While she doesn’t want anything now, she is still young.  One day, she may wish I would have kept more of her daddy’s things. 

Brooke is still in her room.  Alone. 

She is going through her memories from her bedroom at her daddy’s. She came out and cautiously asked how it was over there.

Sometimes the heart breaks and you simply cannot help it. 

While I wanted to say it was fine, fresh tears reminded her that I loved her daddy very much. My heart breaks for Brooke.  My heart breaks for Keith.  My heart breaks for the many years of memories that shouldn’t have ended so tragically.

Today, Brooke is again facing her daddy’s death through her own memories of her things from her bedroom at her daddy’s.

Baby Face

My Mariah and I came home early from track yesterday evening after her team placed 1^st in the “4 by 200”. She had the flu the day before yesterday which took so much out of her during the competition. 

She was upset leaving early with all of her family attending to watch, especially her first official boyfriend, Mike, as he always watches her track meets. 

Previous boys were dance dates or boys she would talk to, but Mike is much different.  He is her first official boyfriend and they are so cute together!

Mariah and I come home and I lay across our chair/ottoman tired with a headache.  Too many nights running endlessly, long days and it’s the end of the week!

Mariah is lying across the couch feeling badly.  She comes over and snuggles in my arms for about a ½ hour talking about all kinds of things. 

I watch her expressions as she is talking, laughing and telling stories.  The same beautiful face of my baby girl so many years ago, growing up into a young lady.

Sometimes I look at her and I see her as a baby, wide-eyed and alert, not missing a thing in life. Other times I see her as a little girl, independent and wanting to do things on her own. Then I see her as a teenager and I wonder where the years have gone.

A boy has caught her heart. I watch the two of them together, his eyes lighting up watching her.  Staying close to one another talking sweetly and caring. I really like Mike.

He walks her to all her classes, kisses her and runs off to his own classes. Her friends praise her for her catch, she beams with pride.

Getting to ride in his truck to get ice cream or go to the park is the beginning of a whole new world for her. 

Happy. Funny. Athletic. She really is the all-American girl next door.

Still she snuggles in my arms, sharing secrets and her thoughts.

My beautiful baby girl is growing up.

"Baby Face, You've got the cutest little baby face
There's not another one could take your place, Baby Face
My poor heart is thumpin', You sure have started somethin'
Baby Face, I'm up in heaven when I'm in your fond embrace
I didn't need a shove 'cause I just fell in love
With your pretty baby face!"

Our 1st Anniversary

“Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life,

love gives us a fairy tale.” – Anonymous

Today I am walking on sunshine.  Today is our 1^st anniversary.

One year ago today, an ordinary day turned extraordinary!

The first day Billy & I met and I laid eyes on him, my soul sang!  I remember my senses bursting to life at first sight and the words echoing in my mind, “Thank you, God!  Thank you, God!  Thank you, God!”

He was full of life, breathtaking, and beautiful!

It was a day of magical firsts.

I was looking for summer fun as I turned “40 and fabulous!”  When I met this pretty boy covered in tattoos, his tongue pierced and a smokin’ hot body, he was everything that shouted fun to me!  In addition to this fun package was a gift more than I could have imagined!  What I received was a super sensitive, affectionate, funny, magical, masculine, logical and loving best friend that complements my life.

I couldn’t wait for Billy to kiss me the moment I saw him. The determining power of chemistry rides on that first kiss. This boy still makes me dizzy when he kisses me.

I have such a crush on him and he still lights up as bright as the northern lights every time we see each other.

Falling in love with Billy over the last year has been an incredible journey of life, love and two worlds blending.

Anniversaries are extra special.  They are not just a nationally recognized holiday, but a special and personal day recognized by two hearts with lives forever changed.

An ordinary day turned extraordinary! 

I reflect back and thank God for unanswered prayers when I think of where I would be in my life had it been left to my control. 

This is why God is God and I am not.

My life is full and rich today because I am in love with my best friend. The very one who fills my heart every day with romance, intimacy, passion and love.

I can’t wait to see him tonight.  To stand in his arms, as the world slips away and feel his lips against mine.

Our 1^st Anniversary.

How To Plant A Seed

As I reflect over the process of Billy & I planting a seed to grow an oak tree, I can’t help but recognize the many parallels of our relationship.

My making a milestone a memory. Him participating in full admiration and appreciation of my creativity.

The kit comes complete with all the essential items, wrapped in a beautiful box with all the special touches of tissue paper, bows, and presentation.

We are sitting outside in the sun when I present to him my gift. A legacy of love.

He wants to plant it right now. 

Sitting on the front porch in the sunshine, I open the box and set out all our items. Billy states he feels we should plant our tree inside where it is not so windy. I laugh, “It’s just a breeze. Let’s plant it out here, its beautiful outside.”

I pick up the directions and read step-by-step the planting instructions. All the I’s are dotted and the T’s are crossed. He is studying the soil and telling me how moist it is supposed to be and feel as it grows.

He opens the littlest gift box to plant the seed, it has a tiny root!  Carefully planted in the healthy & moist soil we cover it in moss.  It is ready for the first ½ cup of water.

Billy is carefully watching that I measure the exact amount of water the seed is supposed to receive.

The seed is now carefully planted.

I tell him how much water he will need to give it every 3 days.  OH NO, he makes it clear the plant is not coming home with him! He loves it, he appreciates it and does not want something to happen to it left in his care.

He paces my house finding the perfect south-facing window that our plant will thrive in. We agree on the perfect window. He says he likes the fact that it is a window I open often that will allow plenty of fresh air in.

He thanks me. He loves our legacy and praises me for my always coming up with the perfect touch in creativity.

Our relationship is that gift. Ours came complete with all the essential items, wrapped in a beautiful package that took my breath away the first time I met him. All the special touches of his strengths and mine that make us complete.

He wants our relationship to stay safe inside with no wind. I embrace the sunshine and call it a breeze. I would rather bask in the sunshine and risk the wind than to not feel the warmth of the sunshine at all.

I carefully pour over the instructions to not miss a single step ensuring the success of our seed. He reads the details of the soils instructions, the details I am vaguely familiar with and wouldn’t have paid attention to. His active participation. He picks up where stop.

It is my natural tendency to take over. He is watching and wanting to participate, I should have let him pour the soil into the pot. So I let him remove the seed from the box, then I take the seed out of his hand to make sure it is planted correctly. I am not happy with myself during this reflection, I should have shared more in the planting process.

Here I go again, I’m pouring the water. He is carefully observing though to make sure I have it right. He knows I can handle this, but he is still watching.

He finds the perfect setting of the sun for our plant to thrive. We agree on the perfect window and he is happy it will get the right sunshine and fresh air.

What he doesn’t know and I wouldn’t dare tell him, that window gets incredible winds and could potentially blow the pot over. I like the fresh winds and am confident in the risk I place our prized possession in.  If it blows over, I will simply clean up the mess. Our oak tree will survive.  That is the beauty and purpose of an oak tree, to grow strong and weather all seasons.

He has faith in my confirmation it is a great location and would be frustrated with me if he thought I risk it in high winds.

Give me sunshine, give me winds! Take away my capacity for pain and rob me of the possibility of joy.

I bring quality of life into our relationship. He lavishly praises me with love and adoration.

Planting this seed is so very much like us.

I have faith in our oak tree.

Seeds of Life

Our 1 year anniversary and I want to leave a legacy.

Giving it much thought I decide upon a metaphor recognizing our relationship, I want to plant an oak tree and I want to do it from a seed.

Where can I get acorns?  Local nurseries do not carry such things, but where there is a will, there is a way!

Seeds of Life. A website that mailed a beautiful package to my home with an acorn harvested and stored at a farm to ensure successful germination.  

Tonight we planted a seed and made a memory.

An oak tree can live between 200 – 500 years. Better than a grave stone leaving our mark on this earth, an oak tree that provides shelter and shade in the midst of life’s busy storms. A legacy of life and love.

We planted our seed together and I can’t help wonder how many years in my life I will I get to watch our tree grow and remember this day.

Will it grow beautiful and strong?  Will others passing by look up in awe and recognize its beauty?  Will we sit underneath its shade together when we are old? Will my grandchildren tell their children the story of two nuts that grew into a mighty oak?

His gift card read:

Nuts when planted in rich soil, nurtured and properly cared for will turn into a mighty oak. Like us, I cannot wait to watch our roots grow deep and transform into a mighty oak that weathers all seasons.

                                                                        Happy 1^st Anniversary

A Simple Fact

It is a simple fact, men and women are different.

This week is our 1 year anniversary. A milestone. A reflection of a beautiful memory of one year ago and our journey through this past year.

His strengths which have become mine and mine his. Mannerisms of my spirit in him and he in mine.

Billy is like me, yet different.

He has the most interesting way of looking at things!  He is artist and he is detailed. I will look at something as a whole in awe and describe its breathtaking beauty. He will look and point out the details of what captures him. How could I have overlooked such details before?

I watch and listen in silent observance of him. Hearing his passion and interests as he talks for hours. He loves to talks and share, I prefer to listen.

We are opposites that complement.

I am early morning, best before the sun comes up. He comes to life at night when I am in a deep slumber. Our cherished alone times, untouched.

He is such a pessimist, I am an eternal optimist. Balance.

Hockey is his hobby, I have no hobbies. We share his.  He reminds me that “he” is my hobby. He loves that and reminds me that I do have a hobby when he “thinks” I am feeling bad that I don’t have one.  He means it in the best way and I love how sweet & special that makes him feel.

I can be mission-driven, direct and demanding. He is sensitive with fragile feelings. I slow down in his presence. Relax.   

He longs for affirmations. Words of affirmations is my love language. Like the rain in spring, I shower him. As the sunshine and rain in spring bring life after winter, healing and restoration fills his eyes and his heart. He longs for my love and my words of praise.

Somewhere between our pasts and our future, I am lost in an oasis of being me. Matched with the one I love and share my life with, content to let go and just be a woman.

I am a woman on purpose. Our relationship has purpose.

It is a simple fact, men and women are different. 

It is a simple fact, Billy and I are different.

It is our differences that make us our best.

Things

Easter is fast approaching.

Another holiday where Keith would have gone overboard on buying Brooke another new Easter basket along with lots of little extra gifts.

Keith always bought things.

Brooke never came home from a weekend visit where he didn’t take her to the store to buy something to bring home, even if it was the Dollar Store for some sort of token. Brooke loved this!

Brooke has more things than I have room for in her bedroom. I would get frustrated with him and ship bags of toys back to his place as a reminder that I don’t want endless amounts of things and to prevent him from buying more.

He never stopped. Giving gifts was Keith’s love language.

As a kid, he was really spoiled and was given things.  This is how he expresses love to Brooke along with tons of hugs & kisses. 

Gifts are not my love language and fall to the bottom of my love language list. As a clutter-free person, his trait was really annoying to me.  His love language continued to trickle into my home, junking up her room.

How many stuffed animals can a child have?  I have given away trash bags full through the years to charity. Life size stuffed animals that she treasured as a very little girl that she could completely lay on.  Those really took up space!

Brooke treasures little things.  Her daddy did such a good job filling that love language in her life.  I look around her room, things everywhere, her daddy everywhere and I am so thankful for his love language that his love is still all around her.

I look around my office: Three handmade notes on my wall, a hand-cut heart-shaped “Mom you are my sunshine. You are my world.” “Good morning Mommy.  I made you some coffee. Love, Brooke” “Good morning coffee is in the microwave. Love, Brooke”  Homemade projects grace my desk:  a plant in a brightly colored chair, flowers made out of paper, flowers made out of some object. Most recently a barite desert rose she brought home as my souvenir gift from her Spring Break. 

Little things. Brooke expressing her love.

I’m thankful for all these little things now.  I hope her daddy knows in Heaven that I am sorry for being so frustrated with him in the way he best expressed his love to our daughter.

All of these little things now mean everything.

Little things do mean a lot.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Yesterday was weigh-in for our corporate Biggest Loser contest.  I talk a lot of smack and my competitors stopped by to see if I was “good” with the weigh-in.  I wasn’t.

My moments are equally balanced from being driven to eat healthy & exercise hard as well as my love & enjoyment of food.  I explain that being 40 years old, I am pretty comfy with myself.

Sure I would like a flawless, perfect by “Cosmopolitan” body. Those girls also have photo shop work done on their pictures. 

What really kills me is my boyfriend has a smokin hot body and the thought of bikini season makes me want to crawl in a hole. There’s honesty!

By 8:00 a.m. this morning, I have already talked to Billy twice and received several loving texts.  He is happy, thinking about our life together and our future.  He is in an “I love you, I love us” moment.  He feels it, has thought a lot about it and shares it with me.

I may cringe in the mirror, but love says “Wow, you are so beautiful” and “You are the BEST ever!”

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Today Sharon Jaynes writes:

In the Song of Solomon, we meet a King who is riding though his kingdom and spies a young maiden working in the fields. Suddenly he is captivated by her beauty and smitten by her form.  Her hands are stained with grape juice of the vineyard, her skin is tanned from the mid-day sun, and her clothes are soiled from the dirt of the field. But the King sees beyond all that. While the King is enthralled with her beauty, she begs him not to stare at her. She does not feel worthy of such attention.

No matter what she thought of herself, the King was mesmerized and wooed her to become his bride. For centuries, commentators have noted a parallel between the Lover and the Beloved and Jesus and His bride.

The Shulammite maiden in the Song of Solomon represents you, and in the words we discover just how much Jesus loves us. You may blush a bit, but listen to a few of the passionate pursuer’s words about the woman of his dreams. Soak in his description of her beauty.

• Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. (1:10)
• How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!  Your eyes are doves. (1:15).
• Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. (2:2)
• Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. (4:1)
• Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing.  Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. (4:2).
• Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. (4:3)
• Your neck is like the tower of David built with elegance (4:4)
• Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. (4:5)
• Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue (4:11)
• How beautiful your sandaled feet, (7:1)
• Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman’s hands. (7:1)
• Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies. (7:2) [This is my favorite verse.  A mound of wheat, mind you, not a flat plain!]
• All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. (4:7)

This woman’s betrothed adored her rosy cheeks, her long neck, her black flowing hair, and her ruby lips. He adored the fact that she had all of her teeth, shapely legs and small breasts. He even thought her poochy tummy was adorable.

But what did she think of herself? Not very much. “Do not stare at me because I am dark,” she said, “because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected” (1:6).

She felt inferior to others because she was darkened by the sun. To be tan in those days was not desirable. Women went to great lengths to shade their skin from the scorching sun. This woman, however, was very dark. Because she was forced to take care of her brothers’ vineyards, she had neglected to take care or herself. But amazingly, in the end, she began to see herself as her bridegroom saw her. Oh, that we would do the same.

Is the Song of Solomon our song? I think so. Jesus, the lover of our soul, looks at us and thinks we are absolutely beautiful. However, we tend to look in the mirror and see our flaws. I read a quote once that said when a man looks in the mirror; he focuses on his best features. When a woman looks in the mirror, she focuses on her worst. I don’t know how men see themselves, but I do know that most women focus on their negative features instead of their positive ones. We need to look into the only mirror that matters, the Word of God, and He thinks we are beautiful. I keep a card in my Bible with the following prayer: “Lord, help me see myself as You see me, no matter how beautiful it is.”

The Shulammite maiden in the Bible and Cinderella in our childhood story book, both had difficulty seeing their beauty. Cinderella mistakenly believed her beauty was dependent on her dress and perfectly arranged hair. The Shulammite maiden mistakenly believed her beatify was dependent on fair skin and a tidy appearance. But in both scenarios, the Prince knew differently. Jesus sees our true beauty and is captivated.

Shut Up!

I was in the middle of a persuasive speech making a point to Billy when I hurled, “Shut up (OMGosh, I just said shut up, keeping talking and pretend that didn’t happen), I’m trying to explain to you …”

He doesn’t miss a beat and says, “Did you just say shut up?” “Yes!” I confirm. I continue my speech when he starts laughing and says how he cannot believe I said shut up!

I’m surprised, too. 

As ridiculous as that sounds, it is a reflection of our relationship over the last year. We simply do not speak disrespectfully to each other. In heated discussions, even when we were separated. We do not name call. We do not take cheap shots to belittle each other.

Truth be told, he will not argue. If I am on a war path, he avoids me until all is calm.

That is a needed quality for me, because I was raised in a family that who ever is louder is right-er!  Yelling is communicating. Family get-togethers are always fun, but loud!

With Billy & I, in general conversation, words are not buffered. But, we carefully chose our words at all times when it comes to conversations directed to one another.

When we were separated, during a heated conversation, he called me Hitler.  The only name he has called me in a year. It was so out of character and such an odd name to be called, I chuckled!

No relationship is flawless, but I am so thankful for the small things that mean so much. Respectful conversations. Respect in our chosen words. His mom’s confirmation, Billy has never once said an ill word or made a disrespectful comment about me.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and friendship make a solid foundation for a loving relationship.

A 2nd Perfect Evening

Wednesday night was wonderful. I had high expectations for last night as well.

Wanting to ensure another perfect evening, I tap into God for His intervention.  I don’t want a replay of Wednesday with a winter wonderland setting, the snow is melting. I want something different and something special, but I’m not sure what?  It is for me to simply ask.

Billy comes over and I meet him outside like I always do, just beaming and anxious to see him.  He lights up, “Wow! You look beautiful!”  I am in a comfy yoga outfit, but it is working for him.

Two days in a row he doesn’t shave, for me.

Dinner presentation was beautiful, he lavishly compliments throughout our meal by candlelight.

Fireplaces are the perfect touch when all the lights are out. Snuggled on the couch we put in a movie, Due Date.

One scene in the movie takes place at the Grand Canyon when ashes are being tossed in the wind. During the sentimental scene the tune of Amazing Grace is played capturing the moment.

Sitting behind me, Billy begins to sing the words in my ear.

He loves to hum melodies and once in awhile I will catch him singing a quick jingle, but not often. He sings the words to Amazing Grace, more words that I have ever heard him sing before and his voice is so pretty.

I wish time would have stopped. A moment I didn’t want to end.

A window into his heart. Words he hasn’t forgotten.

My special moment.

A 2^nd perfect evening.